The Yin & The Yang

I came home from rehearsal today feeling beaten up and sore from spending my energy cleaning the theater. I didn't quite make a dent.. it's needing some heavy-duty work, but I got a head start on the company cleaning project for next week. Made me feel like things were a bit more in order and ready for this next show's opening, which is this Friday. The show isn't ready.. but I can't do anything about that so I cleaned instead.

My OCD was on a rampage so I let it take over and it continued once I got home. I cleaned everything I could. It didn't help that when I walked in the door, Miss Emma Kitty had left me, I kid you not, at least seven kitty barf messes. And one that was not barf.. Um. Hmmm. If that doesn't get you into cleaning, I swear to God, I don't know what will. I can't be mad at Miss Kitty.. the non-barf item was shown to her and her proper place for that as well. Sometimes she seems to forget for the spry thing she is.

It kind of reminded me of my new Ebay situation - the non-barf present. Ebay and Amazon have never let me down. You buy from random people, cute little stores, and you spend your money and the appropriate person or business sends you whatever you selected since you so promptly paid for it. Ebay, of course, is a bit different being that you have to bid and watch said item so you can, hopefully, win it. I don't use it often, but when I have bought jeans or phone batteries, or whatever, I've never ever had a problem. Not once. I'm rated a good buyer by everyone.

And then I felt I needed a new Mac Box Set to kick-start this little MacBook of mine. She's slowing down a bit in her old age of three whole years. Baby needs an upgraded pony. A new Mac is out of the question being that I'm still unemployed.. but wouldn't you know that you can bid on the box set, which is normally $165 retail and get it for a fraction of the cost. What I didn't know is that when I won said item at $107, including shipping, and paid for that baby, that would be the end of the transaction.

Like I said, I rarely buy things online and when I do, I read the fine print. This said 'Seller sends within 3 days of cleared payment'. At three days, I emailed the seller asking when to expect the item and added the appropriate 'please' and 'thank you' where needed. He wrote back the next day and said he'd been out of town on the win day (a Thursday) and would send on Tuesday. He didn't say he wasn't back so I didn't know why Monday wasn't an option and emailed back asking if that was possible. No response. Tuesday at 5pm and no email from him with the shipping info came so I emailed again, asking for a status. Then I looked up the item, found he'd re-listed either mine or a 'similar item' and really didn't understand. I emailed him again, now concerned that I really needed to know when this was being sent because he seems to have re-listed what I already paid for.

You'd think he might've been understanding. Sellers are supposed to send promptly, especially when you pay promptly. But I didn't get an ounce of that. What I did get was an email filled to the brim with snark saying he 'didn't live and breathe Ebay' and didn't appreciate 'all' my emails because two in one day was apparently overkill. Um.. I'm sorry, two emails are a bother, but taking my money and then NOT SENDING what I just PAID FOR isn't a problem? Hm.. Ok. Right. I'm the crazy one. He added he'd send the item that day and I shouldn't 'threaten' him with negative feedback. I didn't threaten him. I simply said I'd follow up with feedback if there were further issues. He hadn't done what he said he would, which is what feedback is for and the sellers set their terms, which he, himself, had not met. I'm still at a loss how that's unreasonable.

I asked for the eta and the shipping info to be sent by end of Wednesday, now six days after purchase. He immediately writes back and asks why he should send it at all now since I already posted the negative feedback, which is true. And, since they only give you a single line for this, all I said was, 'Been 5 days since won/pd for item and no shipping info sent. Really unhappy', which could've been fixed HAD HE SENT IT. But INSTEAD, tells me he WAS going to send it two-day air, but NOW I WON'T RECEIVE THE ITEM UNTIL HE 'FEELS LIKE SENDING IT'. This is after mocking me for shortening the word receive to rec'v, which in my former line of work, is normal and any moron would understand what I meant, but he said I clearly was saving time on using extra letters because he knew I 'had other people to piss off today'. Wow. Ok.. well.. actually, that's a pretty good zinger, but hardly the point because of course that wasn't what I was doing. So there. Then he proceeded to tell me my 'standards were to high' and 'you'll get it wen you get it'. I'm guessing 'wen' will be.. something around the time of never? But the guy was only good for one insult and the rest grammatically went down from there. I sure learned my lesson about who the smarter one of us is. I bet he's a real winner when using your and you're and there and their.

Um.. to my rescue was NOT Ebay or PayPal. Their policy is to wait seven days, which is fine, but they're auto response is that your item is 'probably on its way' and in the midst of being shipped. Um.. no, it's not. He told me it wasn't. But there's no match for that when you search for your 'question' of 'asshat seller who refuses to send purchased item out of retaliation and essentially just stole $107 from me'. No no, there is not.

Actually, 'they' are 'looking into it' and 'will attempt' to get to it 'in 30 days'. The status today says the seller has until June 27th to respond now. Because you know what? He hasn't. Color me shocked.

What I would like 'looked into' is just getting my money back. Do you think Apple would've given me this problem? Not in the slightest. You give them money, they give you stuff. That's how this retail type of world works. Because taking money and NOT giving you said wanted thing is actually A CRIME. It's called STEALING. Or in online situations, and within a fucking thesaurus, A SCAM. It's pretty clear the rules of selling on Ebay kind of look down on that practice (tho yeah, I probably shouldn't have written negative feedback BEFORE I received notice of the item being shipped.. ahem.. I know, ok?!).

Oh and in case you're wondering why I just didn't call PayPal or Ebay, I thought of that first. Like.. duh. But there is no number to reach Ebay or PayPal. Not even a teeny tiny customer service group out of India with strong accents I'd have trouble understanding. No hold music, no 30-minute wait. Simply no number to call. Ever. Genius really.

So here I am, NOT thinking about how much faster this little baby would move had something been sent in the mail in a timely fashion or all the cat puke stains on my bedroom carpet or the calamity on stage about to happen Friday. Here's why:

I made super yummy non-fat brownies for the cast for tomorrow's tech rehearsal.

I also made blueberry cornbread muffins. Also yummy. Broken all over the place tho but oh well. Muffin tops are the best anyway.

My house is totally clean.

Emma is the cutest kitty currently all curled up on the couch all mouse-like and I could just eat her up.. sort of. Not really.

I think I have no wrinkles on my face because seriously? This lotion, Neutrogena Healthy Skin with Alpha-Hydroxy/spf 15 might be the most amazing thing ever. Not new to me, just sharing. True story. I dare you to find a single crow's foot anywhere around my eyes. Pretty good for 38. Just saying.

I've been invited to my first ever gay wedding. Stoked!

Breathe (extended version) by Telepopmusik is simply one of the best songs ever. Provides instant relaxation for some reason and I always feel better listening to it.

A friend just bought me a massage. Just because. Hi. How awesome is that?! SO awesome, that's how! I kind of wanted to cry I need it so bad. More thank you's are in order for that.

I love my new theater friends. They are truly talented, which I admire, but they are just really good people. Sometimes, you have moments where things line up perfectly and perfect people come into your life. I just like that.

A local bartender just named a drink after me at one of my favorite little speakeasy bars. It's originally called the St. James Cooler, but I don't love whisky so Jameson is out. Instead he substituted brandy to the rest of the St. Germaine, lemonade, soda and mint. Try it. You might think it's refreshing and rather 'angelic' as well.

Off to bed thinking positively now.. I know I'm supposed to try a bit harder not to let the negatives get to me, but I also know myself and venting is cathartic. As long as I end on something happy, I think that's improvement. Sweet dreams kittens!

Reality Check

So that authentic person I was talking about being? Yeah.. sometimes that authentic person is just plain bitchy. Like for realz. I'm sure it's a dysfunction of my upbringing and it's something I've been fighting since I was in college when someone had to point out how negative I could be.. but ultimately, it's my fault now and up to me to fix because even I know it makes me not fun to be around. I don't have to be Pollyanna, but I don't have to be catty. I mean, sometimes catty has its place, but most of the time, it's just mean. But it's also sooo easy to be that way. Being nice takes effort. Being warm and genuine.. well.. has to come from a genuine place and maybe I don't always feel that towards certain people or certain situations and when I can't speak up and be honest, it manifests itself into nasty things like passive-aggressive comments and catty insults.

Hi, rude much? I kind of am. And I'm kind of calling myself out on it.

The other things I've noticed recently that go along with all this negativity are that I'm a raging control freak. Especially on projects that aren't mine. I think I know a better way to do it, everything is wrong about how the other person or people are doing it, and it just exponentially continues to make me into this stressed-out-beyond-understanding monster. I feel some sense of made-up ownership and I literally have to say the following outloud in order to stop: 'Why are you letting this get to you so much? If something is wrong, it's not all your responsibility. You've participated, you've assisted where you could, you were present. This. Is. Not. Your. Stress.. so stop worrying for chrissakes. Plus? It's not all wrong. This is fine. Things will be fine. Everything will work out. Because it will.'

Breathing helps.

Yes, I really did say a version of that to myself tonight. Did it stop me from being bitchy? Nope. But I had this feeling come over me as I was going home that I could've prevented most of that behavior and I chose an easier route of putting others down in a poor attempt of making myself look better.

Add to that my OCD-ness is getting slightly maddening and mixed with a project plus the control freakiness and I'm a little crazy intense maybe. I notice people just stop arguing with me because they've given up and whatever it's about isn't as important to them as it is to me. But it shouldn't be that important to me either. Seriously.. I've mentioned this issue with being bad at picking my battles and thought I was getting better at it, but I really don't think that's the case. Sometimes I have good reason, but I have to find a better way to go about it.

I'm not completely beating myself up here. Most of these realizations come with taking on company positions with the theater I'm working with and trying to help revitalize awareness about them. And the new ones of us who've joined have made some good strides in being available to help, coming up with productive ideas for new projects, assisting with the choosing of the next season and finding new directors and designers. All really good progress.

But change takes time and when you've been asked to help, you can't just take over. And for some reason, I keep thinking that's my role. And it's so not. No one wants to work with anyone who dictates. It has to be collaborative, which means you won't always agree on everything, but you have to maintain diplomacy so as to preserve order and stay productive.. otherwise people's feelings get hurt, resentment breeds rapidly and nothing comes together as it should.

I have to slow down sometimes in order to see these patterns in myself and theater's a funny beast. You only get so much time to create a show and it starts out like you have plenty of it and then suddenly, you're one week away and you don't have all the costumes, props aren't completed, the cast is sooo not ready.. but it always seems like it won't come together - and sometimes it works out anyway and sometimes it doesn't because it's just not a great show. It happens for varying reasons - but it does no one any good to add the weight of more negativity to that situation. When I slow down and stop taking so much ownership of things, I realize I have to be part of the solution and not part of the problem and I can only control what I can control, which is myself. All that energy spent on that much negativity just sucks the fun and happy out of me.

Then I just end up drinking a lot in order to unwind because it's so readily an option and geographically convenient to the theater as well as my own neighborhood. But it's the most immediate (see: unhealthy) way to deal with stress because when I'm this wound up, it's easy to over-do it. Like.. last night, for example, when a friend took me out. Drinks kept getting handed to me and even tho there weren't that many (they pour almost a two-shot standard, which I didn't know), after finally feeling relaxed, smiling and getting down on the dance floor with my friends, shortly thereafter I knew I was in trouble. Ugh.. I hate that feeling. As a result, I spent ALL day today recovering horizontally for the most part, unable to get out of bed til early afternoon, had three rounds of painkillers for my explody-feeling head and I'm doubting that's the way to regularly relieve that kind of internalized pressure. No no, it is not. Take heed, children.

Don't worry. I'm no alcoholic. That's not denial, honestly. I've always been a cheap date when it comes to booze and sometimes, I have to remind myself I've already been there, done that with that level of drink and I'm not in my 20's anymore. Thank God.. So, lesson re-learned and I'm soon back to my usual trick of one drink, then water, second drink, then done because the better over-all solution to all this would be to figure out how not to get so tightly wound in the first place. Be more a team player, less a steamroller. Yes.. right?

There's the rub. Epiphanies are all well and good, but you have to put in some effort to stop repeating destructive patterns. It's challenging and disorganization continues to push my OCD and control buttons, but I'll start trying to take on the things I can in more manageable chunks - something I learned in my Theater Business class. Works on so many levels.. but still, easier said than done, for me at least.

Man.. this being an adult stuff is hard.

Unanonymous

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog for the right reasons.. well, ok, scratch that. I did. I started it for me. To work thru things, to be who I wanted, have my own sense of grammar where I made myself laugh at the dumb things I did or said and didn't take myself too seriously. When I first started, I think I definitely took myself too seriously.. and I made blogging mistakes and soon learned being on the fancypants interweb that there is a sense of etiquette even if you're mad at someone you'll never talk to again.. because you might make up. Or, if there's no making up to be had, people could use the words you wrote on said fancypants interweb against you somehow. Of course, it would've helped had I started it anonymously in the first place.

But I didn't. And I did it that way to keep myself accountable. To myself. For me at least, in order to be genuine, you had to know me. Know more than just my relationships thru made up code names and tho I never talked a lot about my day jobs really, it's because they never identified me anyway. They just gave me a reason to feel like a contributing member of society. But with my words and creating them here, I could hone a personality that literally put anything I wanted 'out there' but I forced myself to just be as real as possible because I honestly don't know any other way to be. I could pretend, but it's actually harder to do and the writing would be so forced.

So I'm just me. As I try to be in Real Life. I write what I live and hope it's not boring as all get out because no one wants to read drivel like that. I try to be true to myself and recognize that as I'm getting older, I'm calming down, maturing from this little girl I used to be, and I'm happier with who I've become. I'm not done figuring things out by any means.. it's just nice to feel more settled with who I am.

That said, sometimes things are boring. Sometimes they're so challenging, it's hard to write them out again because I don't want to relive them.. or so much has happened it'd take 20 posts to explain it all and that seems daunting. And sometimes there are just random things that don't seem to go together, kind of like now, and I just write and hope it all ties together.

This weekend, I came home tipsy at 3am from the closing night party of the last show I stage managed and I felt it was time. It really didn't take that long to write, but from start to finish, I summarized most of the last year and then said I didn't understand why we hadn't done this already, after all I thought we'd meant to each other. I said I hoped we could figure out how we might be able to reconnect and be friends someday.. and off that email went to The Boy.

I don't regret it. It needed to happen. It's been almost a year since we've seen each other face to face and I actually knew it would take this long. And of course, I hadn't written something like that before to prove I was stronger than that pull he had on me and because once you send it, you're only waiting for the response and I didn't want to be that girl. So I waited til I knew not only was I stronger, but my heart was healed and I wouldn't live or die based on whether he wrote me back or not.. And no, I'm not dead, of course, and it barely crossed my mind today til I thought about writing and I realized I haven't received any response. And it's fine. But there's that teeny part of me.. that part only I can tell is still there like a scar that if you press it, you can still feel the memory of the hurt..

I wrote Carmen to catch her up on most of the things happening lately as well because life has ramped up and I've been busy with the theater and taking on some big company roles, which is pretty thrilling.. but I thought maybe soon I could come down to visit her while getting in some time with my mom. Since it's been some time since Carmen and her family have had to absorb that I'm the daughter Carmen gave up for adoption and would like to know her, I asked if maybe I could meet two of the four half-siblings I have who live in the area. And for some reason I expected that with a couple of months, they would be just as curious as I was to meet and connect with them.. but it turns out, not so much. They really have no interest in meeting me at all.. at least not right now. It's weird to feel disappointed and also apathetic at the same time. I don't know them so it doesn't seem like a huge deal.. until I put some thought into it and then not ever having siblings who look like me or have any blood relation before, I'm excited by the idea - but I also don't allow myself to hope that of complete strangers. They're so virtual it doesn't hurt.. but the rejection of meeting me does, if that makes any sense at all and I'm not sure it does.

I could start over - another blog that is. Where no one knows me and try another voice and another approach, but it wouldn't be me. I don't hide much of anything and eventually a similar personality would appear if anyone cared to compare them.. not that anyone would. But sometimes, I envy the moments where I know others can do and say anything with no consequences to face going from the virtual world to the Real Life them. But I just don't know how to do that. I want to connect by being real even in this computer-generated circle because I'm a connector in Real Life too. Even if the boyfriend of almost a year lets another whole year pass by in complete silence after we're over, I wonder why that much space is necessary and feel like being friends would be worthwhile. And, even if it's not an instant family reunion after finding my bio mom, I still want to see if some sense of family might come out of it.

I could've let The Boy continue to think I'm invisible, but I was over letting time pass without knowing each other to some degree. I could've done the same thing with Carmen. Not ask to meet her or not care if my siblings aren't ready to know me.. but I don't know how to live anonymously like that. I don't know how to give up or prevent it from effecting me, no matter how mature I get. It won't destroy me, but it certainly challenges a spark in me to stay lit when it wants to fade and give up. So I keep trying. I speak up. I say how I feel when I feel it. I try to act like a grown up when dealing with difficult situations. And I want last year's ick to be so far buried under the good that's created from working at things like these situations so I keep reaching out and hoping the connections I'm trying to make are reciprocated and stick.. and if they're not or if they don't, well.. I know I was as authentic as I can be.

It's risky - the fact that I don't hide much and you can find a lot about me here.. sometimes saying it way too loudly in caps and over-emphasized with too many swear words.. trying to extend myself with those who I think matter, but might not think the same of me.. but that's the point. It's where it gets interesting. I just can't blend into the crowd. The attention whore in me won't allow that especially when there's just no challenge in being anonymous. No one knows who that is. I like the challenge of being myself because I think that girl kind of rocks.

List-less

I don't think I've made a list in a while.. or talked to those cute girls in the UK who I adore and who's blogs I've neglected (they know who they are) and those girls were the ones who were always my listy inspirations. But I saw this list on another blog called Employment FAIL - which you should also read because why? Wayyy funnier than me - but they didn't create the list either so I had to steal it because helloooo.. funniest thing I've seen since oh.. being unemployed in January. And that's saying a lot. Not that there's been a lot to laugh about, tho Karma has been a helping hand lately and not kicking me while I'm down, but here I am, laughing, feeling good and feeling listy. So let's get to it.

Um.. I may have also stolen the post idea from one of Employment FAIL's guest bloggers. Hey, I never said unemployment provided any extra creativity or anything.. just time to think, wow.. I'm so not creative right now. Thus.. here we are. So.

Things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. Mangos are really really good. And only 99 cents at Trader Joe's right now. I personally think that's a bargain for a little Hawaii (or wherever they come from.. I suck at geography) in your mouth.

2. Miss Emma Kitty seems happier with me around more. Not that she notices when I'm not because she'd be sleeping for 8-10 hours, but still.

3. There's way too much traffic at 5pm. What is UP with that?!

4. I have really bad circulation. You know how I figured this out? HOURS of SITTING on my kitchen stool being 'productive' on the laptop by looking for work. And I say it that way because if the people paying $12 an hour would even return my resume submissions, maybe there'd be some hope.. but it's been pretty bleak. Why isn't there an internet cafe in my apartment in a cushier place? Oh right.. there is. It's called THE COUCH, which I avoid because the threat of napping my troubles away doesn't usually work even tho a nap always sounds better than looking for a stupid job.

5. Ok.. jobs are not stupid. They just don't seem to be lining up at my door. Stupid empty line.

6. Not worrying every second about money and bills for the moment is nice.

7. What isn't nice? Poopy diapers.. but over not working at all, I'll take it.

8. Nannying may not be the ideal job for me, however, to get paid for playing trains or super heroes or laughing while a 1-year-old climbs all over you giggling? Yeah.. doesn't suck. 180 degrees less stressful than any office job I can think of.

9. Not all floss is made the same. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, save yourself a measly dollar by purchasing the Target brand Glide floss.. seriously not as good. Splurge the extra buck and get the real thing. I love me some good Tar-zsay deals.. don't get me wrong, but here, I'm forced to draw the line. You are welcome.

10. Happy hour is awesome and you lucky full-time employed people just can't enjoy it like the rest of us. I'm sad for you.

11. I do end up drinking a lot more. Friends take me out, cute boys, etc. Is this good for me? Probably not.. but due to too many drinks more often than not at 100 calories a glass at least, it does make me hit the gym a lot more often. I say that's a decent trade off.

12. That said, bartenders are good friends to have.

13. Shockingly, I can't seem to catch up with my Netflix queue or the dvr recordings waiting patiently for me. I have all the season finales I need however, I like that I haven't been spending my free time in front of the tv. I've been making theater, being creative, fostering it in others actually.. and that's all kinds of awesome.

14. And looking for work is a given. It's just frustrating, like everyone who's unemployed knows. You keep looking for a needle in a haystack, something that speaks to you, something challenging, and which you might have a chance at that 3000 other people aren't qualified for, but you, of course, are. I keep doing it because I have to keep hoping. You have to keep trying. I want to work. I think it's human nature to want to contribute.. but do you wait for the right thing or take whatever might be available? You can't even bus tables without sending a resume and I haven't worked in a restaurant in probably 12 years. How can I be both under and over-qualified for that? Sigh.. I honestly don't know.

15. I've at least found one new direction. Yours truly, besides being a fantastic bosser-arounder, actually has a good eye with seeing what works and what doesn't in theater. The Boy sometimes made me think I didn't because he was also good at what he knew and rather self-absorbed.. but being outside his world and creating my own has made me feel stronger in my own opinion. I've been allowed to move around autonomously a bit in this current show and I've received a ton of positive feedback regarding how I relate and work with this cast. Maybe it's a fluke, but I'm hoping I can shadow the projects of some of the directors I know eventually. I'm kind of excited about those possibilities.

16. Also, if you aren't watching Modern Family, may I ask you WHY NOT?! Have you seen the episode where they all go to Hawaii?! I mention too much that I went to college with Ty Burrell and that he's the nicest guy ever. I don't harass him or anything (simply because I don't have his email), but honestly, it's the funniest thing on tv. True story.

17. Ok ok and tho it seems like I'm watching tv a lot after saying I wasn't, here's the best new equation: Betty White + SNL = OhMYGod! The Delicious Dish muffin sketch? Unbelievable! Not to mention Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon are in it too.. but if you haven't seen it, Hulu that asap!

18. I'm an awesome person, a kick ass friend, a great employee (when I'm not late), and an even better stage manager. I struggled with believing these things at the beginning of the year because people - and by that I mean a lot of them - told me otherwise. That's a large weight to process especially when you're still filtering a wounded heart you think you'll never get over and the loss of other people who simply choose not to be in your life any longer. It's nice to know that the numbers who believe in me well outnumber those who don't.. and the negative perspective may not change, but it doesn't effect me like it did a few months ago because the positive feedback just keeps coming my way and unsolicited, I might add. But honestly, I know I lost who I was. I saw that happen, but I couldn't stop it because sometimes you just have to be sad. And now, that super strong and happy girl has finally, FINALLY returned.. and she's even better than I remembered.

My Kind Of Math: Sun + Karma + Blogversary = Happy!

Today could not possibly be more gorgeous. The weather is perfect - a very warm 65 degrees that knocked on my door this morning and beckoned me to come outside my funky victorian apartment with Miss Emma Kitty and absorb some of its magical rays. So we rolled out of bed to do so - after coffee first of course - and I dressed passably enough to not be in pajamas, by which I mean I put a bra on, put the t-shirt back on that I wore to bed and added some cute little cargo pants and some flips. I might've even brushed my hair.. I mean, I'm not completely white trash. Add a flamingo lawn ornament and maybe a mojito in my hand and I could be in a postcard you'd wish you were getting.

Today feels different than the rest of this week but I started to feel this sense of independence yesterday. I don't get it often. I'm not a girl who likes to be alone much. But I imagined a lazy morning, some sitting in the sun on my semi-porch (and thus since starting this post, have burnt my arms for being out so long. Note to self: at least spf 15 is required in this Global Warmed World even with my Mexican skintone. Gah.), a little cardio at the gym and then a night of stage managing the fun cast I've been working with on Poona the Fuckdog. And so far, it's good. I take this feeling when it happens. Sort of like the one I get when I just start cleaning. I don't stop myself because I get on this roll and it just feels good. So when I'm happy being alone, it's not only welcomed, but it's a relief knowing that I'm stronger than I realize sometimes. I'm fine on my own or dating or being out with a group of friends. It also might be that I'm finally letting go of the hurt and insecurity that came with the last heartbreak and that's a giant weight lifted.

I run into people associated with Boy's theater occasionally and sometimes they're weird and sometimes they're super cool depending on who they are. Leaving that world shook me. I thought I'd still be connected despite the break up and/or leaving the company, but I found that wasn't the case due to the fact most of those relationships weren't very real and maybe I wasn't all that well liked considering my boyfriend was the executive director and I guess people thought he was babying me. Who knows.. moreover.. who cares..

That said, not everyone is like that in the theater world and just making new connections and starting to feel refreshed is something positive. I'm considering auditioning again, tho I hate it - as do most actors - but if I get my shit together I could start to get a feel if I really do suck or if this is something I could at least do once in a while. Being a stage manager is good when I need a bossy kick.. but it's not very creative. I need an attention whore outlet once in a while, I have to admit, and it's been long overdue.

In the meantime, unemployed is what I still call myself since the nannying is just part-time and I'm not sure I'll continue it long-term. I require my own nap after looking after children all day.. and by all day I mean maybe six hours sometimes. It's a level of exhaustion I didn't expect - not that I don't adore them and their families, because I do, but you can't take your eyes off them for a second or they could fall down the stairs, blind themselves or a sibling with the tail of a plastic alligator, hit their chin on a table corner, fall off a stool.. I mean, dear God - they should be enveloped in bubble wrap for safety at all times in my opinion - tho I'm sure Children's Services would have something to say about that.. but it's just a suggestion.

Dating is still there.. some new options have made themselves known, but I'm not thinking about it too much or putting too much pressure on anyone. Maybe it's this gorgeous sun shining down on my face and making my freckles pop that inspires an extra boost of happy just in being with myself or just another girlfriend to make everything feel like it's working these days. I love the idea of finally letting last year go and even tho this one came with a rocky start, it seems that's how my years tend to begin so I should just know by the time spring arrives, everything will smooth itself out.

Speaking of which, tho I'm about a week late - it was the last day of April five years ago was when I began this blog. A lot has happened. I've grown up a bit, I think I was funnier then, but whatever - I'm all at the same time cockier and more self-deprecating. I'm not sure if there's a word for that other than perspective. I think I'm awesome, but yeah.. I'm a complete dork who makes a kajillion mistakes and I fall down a lot in public. It's a trade off. But overall? I'm happier, I feel good that I'm still here, still writing honestly and doing my best to be true to myself. I'm proud of that. And I hope you are too.. my FOUR readers. Hey, that's fine with me. I'm no prima donna, but I do love love.. so I'll take whatever I can get. Happy Blogversary to me!

As usual, please feel free to send wine or money.. or wine-flavored money.. whatever.

Awesomeness Pending..

When you need some cheering up.. when things seem like they're not falling into place - trust that they will eventually because, I have to tell you - whatever it is comes back around your way, bad times will suddenly become a memory, the sun will shine, the clouds will part and rainbows and bunnies and unicorns will become a daily visual occurrence.

I WON the unemployment benefits appeal.. Thank you VERY much!

I can hardly stand it, it's SO awesome!

Stuff Goes Here

As per usual, I'm in the middle of tech week for the next show I'm stage managing, Poona the F@#kdog (true story AND the play is AWESOME I might add), and have no time whatsoever to catch up with my favorite virtual world. For you who are real, eesh.. my apologies! I suck.

I haven't read your blogs, haven't written anything new in my own and with the nannying I just started.. seriously? Write at the end of the day? Hi.. sleep is the first priority. It'd happen if I wanted to or not anyway. I'm sort of comatose as soon as I walk in the door at the end of the day. I write in my dreams, people! It's now a luxury! Who knew?!

I spend my day looking after the welfare of small humans, which is actually quite rewarding but extremely exhausting and then I go to rehearsal after a teensy tiny break. Yesterday I fit in 25 minutes at the gym and it was a freakin miracle I made it to rehearsal on time. Because.. helloo.. have you tried to park in Belltown?! Brings you to tears if you actually get a spot within three blocks of where you'd like to be any given day of the week. I can't even talk about weekends and the last two days I got rockstar parking in front of the theater. NEVER happens. I heard choirs of angels singing..

I digress.. AND I need to get in the shower, down some coffee and prep some chai for the rest of my day. Three hours with one family. A one hour break. Three hours with another family and then maybe, naptime for me. What? You learn to appreciate the value of naps so much more when you put kids down daily. Especially for little boys.. wow they are high energy All. The. Time. And they throw things. But naps are my new favorite thing.

Ok.. off I go! Next time.. something wayyyy more substantial and possibly interesting! Yes!

Living Proof

I've had a couple of weeks now to absorb the idea that she does exist, my birth mother. She's very much alive, has always thought of me, prayed for me, and hoped that I'd been given a good life since she gave me up for adoption. It's a nice feeling - seeing her face, her smile, her eyes.. all of which resemble the face I've seen in the mirror for 38 years. She's been able to see that in her other children but I've never known that feeling and I'm not sure I even have words yet to express that sense of satisfaction. I knew I'd look just like her. I just knew.

I drove down to my grandmother's house that week, near the end of March, and met both her and my mother there. It was all very every day, like they see me all the time even tho they don't. The only thing that was odd was when I mentioned needing to get some lunch since they'd already eaten, Mom handed me $20 without even thinking. She knows I'm unemployed but I sort of felt 17 again and she was just being a mom. It just made me wonder, in a matter of hours, how my birth mother would welcome me.. not that I expected her to give me money.. that would just be weird, but would I feel the connection of mother to child at all or would she just be a complete stranger I was meeting for the first time?

I headed to Mama C's house for dinner that afternoon. She lives in a quiet neighborhood in a pretty suburb of Portland and I stopped at the top of her street because I honestly couldn't breathe. My heart was beating outside my chest and I needed an extra boost to make it the rest of the way so I called my friend, Anthony, who reminded me this is what I've been dreaming about for the last 10 years and there was nothing to be scared of. I could totally do it. Right. Yes. Gasp.. gasp. Ooook.

I'm not sure what kind of casual you're supposed to be when meeting the woman who gave birth to you a lifetime of years ago whom you've never met.. but I was trying to embody that when I pulled up to her house. Heyyy.. yeah.. I'm totally cool. Not having ANY issues NOT breathing AT ALL! Nope! Not even! Whoooo..

I walked up to the house, a lovely colonial, and the door sort of just opened before I could knock and there she was. She'd just had hip surgery and was using a walker, but immediately I was looking into eyes that were exactly like mine. That's the first thing I noticed.. and that basically, I was looking into my own face about 30 years from now. I. Can't. Even. Begin.. explaining the feeling that gave me.. like I could almost feel the missing piece of me being filled. And then we both tried to have a normal chat between two women who've never met before that moment and catch up years of lost time. Mostly, we just sat there trying not to stare at the other in amazement even tho that's exactly what we were doing.

How does one take this all in? She asked so many questions and because I was simply overwhelmed and she seemed so much calmer in her own setting, I talked about myself because that's easy. 'No, not married, no children.. I had this awful year.. um..' and she handed me a tissue because suddenly I was crying out of no where relaying the Cliff's notes from then to now - loss of a lover, a stepfather, a broken mother, loss of stable employment - and I was realizing I came with nothing. I mean, you lose so much you just feel like a loser. And there I was with nothing to offer the woman who decided to carry me for nine months and unselfishly let me go to another family who could provide for me when she couldn't.

They had pictures of their family and friends all over the house. She showed me my four half-brothers and sisters and I could see the resemblances between us. I just nodded and kept thinking, finally, I see it. I saw pictures of their children and then my biological grandparents who are no longer living. My grandmother looks happy and spry in all her pictures including one for her graduation when she went back to school to finish her degree. Her dress was appropriate for her grandmotherly age, but hot pink and she wore matching heels. In that picture she looks like she'd be the last one to leave the dance floor. I can definitely see where I get my spirit from. It was unbelievably cool.

I also saw pictures of Mama C as a nun and then after beginning her life with her husband, Charlie. She was always smiley and bubbly and is wearing the cutest a-line dresses I was coveting. She told me about her sisters as well. Helen, the youngest, committed suicide some years ago and was bi-polar and the oldest, Josephine, is alive but suffering from a degenerative muscle disorder. Both situations made me sad for her. All their pictures as young women are so pretty, but Helen sort of reminded me of Raquel Welch when she was younger - that type of wow pretty with no effort. I loved seeing everyone - my mother, her sisters, my grandmother - living their lives.. even in just black and white or 1975 tinted color.. I just wanted to keep them all in my memory.

She told me none of her children were ever told about me til the day before I arrived and my sister and brother who live in Portland were still digesting the news. The other two live in Virginia and she's figuring out how to tell them since that might be better conveyed in person. I can understand how it would be quite a shock to be told you're not the oldest or first child anymore.. and she says now they're absorbing it well, but I haven't met them yet. Baby steps..

Mama C gave me the best piece of information when we talked on the phone the day before: my ethnicity. I've been asked a zillion times and could never answer the question. I romanticized it and thought Mexican and Irish, Portuguese or Spanish something or other and wholesome Cracker.. ? But I know now. My grandfather was Mexican and my grandmother was Mexican and French. My father, she remembered, was Jewish and tho I don't think it adds up to a whole, it equals something to the effect of slightly more than a third Mexican, possibly half Jewish, and an eighth French. That equals ALL kinds of awesome, doesn't it? I was never good at math, but just knowing the combination makes me feel like a pretty fantastic collection of people.

The story of my conceptioin is the tough part to explain because it wasn't a happy situation for her. She'd given up her vows as a nun about a year and a half prior, she'd previously been fairly sheltered, and she was a young Catholic woman in the world trying to make something of herself. At 30 she looked much younger and it's possible too she was just naive having come from her previous world. Either way, she went out with my father once, never saw him again, and realized she probably should've known him a bit better. She's embarrassed by the details I'm leaving out so that's the most I can really say, which is still probably too much.. but I was right when I guessed she didn't tell him so he never knew about me. She doesn't even remember his name and I think that's the best thing for her. She feels blessed that something good came out of it and I'm ok leaving it at that for both of us. With no information about him, my father would be impossible to find and besides that, I always felt she had all the answers I was seeking.

We went back and forth with stories and questions, sometimes interrupting to find out random bits - if I liked British mysteries - she does, I've no opinion really; if she sings - I do, she does, but I don't think as often or like I'd strived to do in theater and bands, but she's musical - likes jazz piano, which she's learning. I used to take piano when I was a kid. She reads, writes, likes the arts, history, has at least one or two more volumes of the complete works of Shakespeare than I do (I have three), and she became completely annoyed when the Gypsy Kings came on the cd player. I tried not to laugh but I thought the same thing - they have their place, but at that moment, it was just noise. She had me turn it off. Later, at dinner, her husband was just bringing the last item and she put her hand on mine and said, 'I think I'm a little OCD,' and I replied in shock, 'No.. I say that ALL the time! What makes you say that?' And she looked towards the cupboard where Charlie had left one open and she said, 'He'll do that, leave the cupboard door open and it drives me crazy,' and she firmly told him to make sure he shut it and he even more firmly told her to let it go in response. Ahem. 'Sometimes I risk it,' she whispered coyly after that and I giggled because I do the exact same thing. Press people. Since she was laid up and unable to move much, her daughter was coming over the next day to help her clean the house the way she likes it and again, I knew exactly what she meant. Clearly I'm not the only woman cut from that Cloth of Crazy.. and by crazy of course you know I mean we just require the people who love us to be very, very patient.. even tho we don't know the meaning of the word ourselves. What?

Charlie, besides being 10 years younger, did all the fussing about dinner and dessert. It was very sweet and he was just as welcoming with me. I could tell he was very protective of her especially in her condition of being unable to get around much. He left us alone the majority of the time to talk and joined us briefly when the subject of religion came up. It's something they're both deeply passionate about and it's elemental in their lives. It's one thing we don't have in common, but I've always felt on the fence about it and drawn to issues of God and the devil, heaven and hell, and I've decided for myself what exists for me and what doesn't. She was understanding where I was with my own spirituality even tho her faith is very cemented and the beliefs surrounding that as well. For example, they don't agree homosexuality is God's plan for people, but they know they're in the minority these days. I don't think she approves of people living together before marriage, but again, she realizes it's what people do. I don't think her own children grow up that way because they all mostly follow along the same religious path and she tells me they're all successful and happy. And then there's a moment when I think she thinks the most obvious loss to her, the lack of God in my life, has lead to my sense of feeling lost altogether. She never said that.. it was just a look.. and we both let it go.

When it was time to leave, I remembered I needed a picture. The woman, I kid you not, BOLTED, for her lipstick and said she had to get it. Her husband started to protest and I just shook my head and said, 'No, really, it's fine.. I completely understand,' having done that oh, a thousand times myself before a picture. We may look younger than our years, but we are a tad vain. It's so funny what turns out to be inherited behaviors..

I went back the next morning before I had lunch with my family just to chat a bit more and talk about the possibilities. We'd both really let it settle in, this idea of starting a slow relationship of getting to know one another. She said she was overwhelmed and emotional about it, but she seemed pretty calm and collected. I'm not often that way when I'm emotional so there are certainly bits I wonder about getting from my father or maybe more my grandmother.. but it was good to be back there again, even if only for a short visit.

We traded emails and numbers and I recommended a book she should read, The History Of Love. I told her I'd send her the link. My other favorite, David Sedaris, is probably not her style.. in the slightest.. so I thought this was one she could share with me for it's endlessly gorgeous writing and she'd like the mystery that unravels til the twist is revealed at the end. It's seriously the most beautiful book I've ever read.

We hugged. She blessed me (not kidding). There was lots of looking into the big eyes we share and trying not to cry, but just feeling the happy of that moment. Knowing the search is over. It's huge. She's in my life.. where I always hoped she'd be. It's such an incredible gift.

So.. that's that. We're staying in touch and so far, so good. I'm looking forward to the possibilities.

I actually just sent her that book tonight. I really hope she likes it.

Falling Off The Wagon

So my lovelies.. this won't be a long post. I just wanted to update you quickly that things have gone by the wayside as it were - keeping up with my favorite bloggers, my writing of my own blog, hell, getting to the gym this last week or so has been impossible with the meeting of the bio mom, Passover fun and this really annoying house guest of a head cold that hit me last Thursday and is still clinging on for free rent today. I think it's on its way out tho, if I have anything to say about it that is..

BUT - don't give up hope! At least not where the blogging is concerned. Finding me a job? Well, that's another craptastic story because I still don't have one and lately, it's getting more and more discouraging that you can't even wash dishes without sending in a resumé that you have experience doing so. Pffft..

I'm just trying to get everything done around here. I might've mentioned I'm currently stage managing a show and we go into our last weekend coming up but they begged me to stage manage the next one as well after the current SM had to step into a part unexpectedly due to one of the actors getting seriously hurt when part of a downtown building fell on him and two other people last Friday. He was hit on the head as the news article says.. but they missed the rest which included 16 (SIXTEEN, people!) other broken bones and is still in the hospital. Miraculously, he won't need surgery and is going to be fine. I'd say the building owner won't be so lucky. Buildings are NOT supposed to just FALL DOWN ON PEOPLE. No. No they are not.

So as I sit here trying to type something quick, I'm neglecting revising my resumé for a server position and things like personal hygiene. I mean, a shower today would be a good idea I think and then I'm headed to the neighbor's house to do some light cleaning and take her demon dog to the park even tho I still feel a bit like death warmed over, but at least I can breathe thru my nose now. Stupid cold.

There's lots to talk about.. new boys, the mom saga, an idea in the making.. and things are looking up.. mostly. The only problem is the unemployment that's getting close to being oh-so scary because I don't have the funds for this to go on much longer even tho I'm appealing the benefits denial. Everything of that nature seems to be that uphill battle scenario and thinking positively is difficult. I'm doing what I can tho and keeping everything crossed, sending word out to the universe and hoping the right thing is almost here. I'm sure a few more good thoughts sent my way wouldn't hurt if you have any extra to spare.

More soon, kittens..

This Is It!

She called. It's really her..

She's as happy and overwhelmed as I am.

I'm driving down to Portland to see her tomorrow night.

I don't have any waterproof mascara.. damn.

More to come my pretties. This is truly a monumental occasion. As soon as I'm able to find words after my first meeting with her, you'll all hear the story.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. You helped give me the courage to go thru with this and this is.. everything..

Mwah!

Music Share: Win!

So I'm on this iTunes sharing kick.. and wow.. this is going to be challenging because already at the b's, I have a lot of favorites. So I'll just get going (I'm leaving out the album because hi, y'all have the interweb and your search engines aren't broken..)..

B's

Baby I Love You - Aretha Franklin: Because hi. The woman can sing. Duh. This is a classic.

Baby, It's Cold Outside - I personally love Dean Martin's voice, but my favorite version is from the movie, Elf, because Zooey Deschanel's voice is so dreamy.. I fully covet it. It's my favorite holiday song.

Baby's Got Sauce - G. Love & Special Sauce: This song always makes me think of second boyfriend in Seattle, Anthony - now not so much into monogamy, but I got him well before that. Never had Movie Love before I met him. We still sing this song to each other and smile.

Back Together - Citizen Cope: You'd think I listened to a lot of this guy, but I really don't. Til I alphabetized, I didn't realize I dug so much of his music. The beginning of this sounds straight out of something by Love & Rockets. Yeah, um.. you young'ns won't know who they are..

Backbone - The Tremens: When I met my friend Fatima, I met her rockstar boyfriend at the time and I started dating his drummer, Curtis. Curtis and I were short-lived, but I still have fond memories. He was in this band prior to Fatima's boyfriend's band, Dorkweed, and this was their only cd, Lipsicate. Fuckin great song. It's not on iTunes, so if you want to hear lyrics as great as 'It's in your backbone, I'm singing sha la la, puttin' butter on your scone', email me and I'll send you a copy. You won't be sorry.

Backfire - Aimee Mann: Anthony and I were really into her a few years ago and I still think Bachelor #2 is one of her best cd's. This is just a catchy little thing. She's also married to Michael Penn, brother to Chris and Sean Penn, and who I saw in a small club in Portland in high school and who still is awesome in his own right. So.

Bad Romance - Lady Gaga: Ok, sure, this is just guilty pleasure pop, but the woman not only can play piano gorgeously, but her voice is kick ass.

Baker Baker - Tori Amos: One of the most touching and lovely songs she ever sang I think.

Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson: I love me some sexy man voice and a guitar. Nothin. Hotter. Plus? He's just singing to his love a happy song about pancakes. Hello?! Awesome.

Bathwater - No Doubt: Ah the days before Gwen was solo. She rocks now, but she always did.

Battle of Who Could Care Less - Ben Folds Five: Saw them open for Counting Crows. Let's just say they were much better than the headliners. He took off his belt and played the piano with it. And even the name is a crack up. They were only three guys. Way to buck the norm, Ben.

Be The One - The Ting Tings: Just fun. They got me thru last summer, in a loud way.

Beautiful Dirty Rich - Lady Gaga: I know, I know. Another. Pfft. You try not to like her.

Because - The Beatles: Just love the fullness and harmonies.

Because I Told You So - Jonatha Brooke: The version from her Live album is much more raw but she's by far one of my favorite singer/songwriters. Her voice is like butter and I'm so jealous of how she writes music. This song is bittersweet and embodies so many endings of my relationships.

Behind The Wheel - Depeche Mode: A classic and I was at this concert too.. also probably in high school. God love Dave Gahan and all his angsty gorgeousness.

Belief - John Mayer: This boy needs a PR rep like nobody's business so he stops putting his foot in his mouth, but before that and still really, he can play guitar like.. damn. I love the second verse.

Belle - Jack Johnson: Less than two minutes, few lyrics, and I'm instantly in Paris as soon as it begins.. ahh.

Beta Boy - Misstress Barbara: Just kick ass electronic. Plus, this woman doesn't mess around. I saw her spin years ago at an enormous rave a friend threw. MB demanded a few things including a room at the W Hotel, 12 bottles of her favorite beer on ice, and four hours to spin. She wasn't getting four hours regardless, only two, but her set? Fucking phenomenal.

Better After All - Jonatha Brooke: Might be bordering on that AC (adult contemporary) label, but there's just something about her I love.

Better Together - Jack Johnson: Weird.. there sure are a lot of B songs by J named people here. This is in the same vein as Banana Pancakes for me.. sweet, lovely, and I want someone with a sexy voice and a guitar to write and sing me a song like this.

Better Version Of Me - Fiona Apple: Love her, love her voice, love everything she does. I have no idea what she's singing about thru most of the song, but it ends with the title and it's sometimes my motto for the day.. Here's coming a better version of me..

Between Sheets - Imogen Heap: I love the way she sings 'absolute bliss'.. and I want some.

Between The Bars - Elliott Smith: More Good Will Hunting. He put out some good stuff then.

Between The Lines - Sarah Bareilles: She has an honest voice I gravitate to, plus she plays piano beautifully.. This one is simple, a little pop, but touching.

Big Lie, Small World - Sting: My friend Sharon and I have an obsession with this man. This song could border on boring, but try to count it.. it's not in 4/4 time.. he does that a lot and I have no clue how. Plus the lyrics are all about a break up letter and this whole comic adventure trying to get it back.

Big Time - Peter Gabriel: He's just kind of a genius. And this video was amazing at the time.

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order: God love the 80's, I mean, I don't know if the song itself is happy, but hearing it always makes me feel that way. Love the lyrics, love the feel, and it never gets old.

Black Celebration - Depeche Mode: Ahh.. a classic.

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall: This song was her big break out. Still one of her best tho not sure what the hell she's singing about, but saw her play it live, she looped all the backgrounds on her the thing she calls the wee bastard and her voice fuckin rocks.

Blackbird - The Beatles: I like Sarah McLachlan's version because it's terribly lovely and slower than the original, which I think it needed.

Bleu - Mark Farina: One of my favorite dj's. Nerdy as all get out, but he knows what he's doing.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice: Always a haunting type of guy, but this song made even more so used at the end of the movie Closer for some reason.. I love the strings in it.

Blue Monday - New Order: My other favorite of theirs.. So so high school. In a good way.

Blue Skies - Landon Pigg: Wrote Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop. I'm a sucker for boys who write girly lyrics and sound all broken about it.. sort of like Joshua Radin.

Bombo - Orishas: Spanish and sometimes French hip-hop.. love it.

Bottle It Up - Sarah Bareilles: A little more poppy and radio-friendly, but whatever. I like her.

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson: Her voice is perfect and I've missed listening to her for oh, eight months or so because The Boy introduced me to her music.. but she's lovely and girly. Love her.

Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick: Completely over-played, but still her best song.

Breathe - Telepopmusik: Probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I relax every nerve in my body when I hear it and I've really needed that lately.

Breathe In - Frou Frou: Who Imogen Heap was before she was solo I assume. Groovy.

Breathe Me (Mylo Remix) - Sia: Don't have anything else by her, but I love this version of this song.

Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung: Seriously one of the most perfect love songs ever.

Brown Derby Jump - Cherry Poppin' Daddies: Anthony and I cut quite a rug when swing was popular. Saw them in college and they were a good and sexy dirty too. Didn't know how to swing dance then, but, I went not too long ago and couldn't remember a damn thing.

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat: Sickeningly sweet, sure.. but when I'm in love, it's fuckin adorable, ok? Pffft.. you don't know.

Bulletproof - Rilo Kiley: Random and cute.

Burrito - Pete Yorn: He opened for the Foo Fighters once and he's awesome in his own right but still sort of obscure-ish. Not sure why. Any song combining burritos and love should rock.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - Indigo Girls: A political statement, one of many they're known for making, but I love my lesbian folk rock chics.

Buster Voodoo - Rodrigo y Gabriela: If you don't know who they are, find out. Just guitar and kick ass at that. The cd never does them justice because live, they're fucking phenomenal. Look them up on youtube and find out yourself. Trust me.

But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode: So 80's, but probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. Always makes me happy.

Butterflies & Hurricanes - Muse: If I could marry a voice, this man's is one I'd choose. He kills.. Plus the level of music they create is crazy genius. Listen to the classical piano solo mid-song. Makes you go 'Wtf?' but also, 'Do it again!'

Ok. Bed. Now. Zzz.

Set Backs Could Stop.. Anytime Now.. Thanks

There's a bunch of positive energy going around and you'd think karma might kick in and I'm still holding out hope it will.. but as it always goes, sometimes there's just another shoe waiting to drop or someone else waiting to kick you down as you try to get up. So on the same day I reached someone at the house of the woman who might be my birth mother (not her), I also got the letter from Employment Security saying they backed my former employer and are denying my unemployment benefits.

One step forward.. knocked two back.

Sigh. I need a job.

I may hear next week regarding one that I have to admit I'm holding my breath for.. The timing would be great and I think it's a position that's not only in the field in which I have experience, but one I could really sink my teeth into. I let them know I reached this epiphany without saying exactly why, but they've also worked with me in the past being a vendor of my last employer so they know how I fight for my clients and this could be an advantage to them. I'm really crossing everything possible and whatever god is out there, collective energy of souls.. I hope they hear my prayers.

So this morning was gorgeous, in the upper 50's and headed to mid-60's they say. I had my coffee, was awake enough and thought.. ok, let's do this. I dialed Carmen's number again. This time her husband answered and I almost couldn't breathe. It was an awkward conversation trying not to give away too much and also not seem predatory. She just returned home from the hospital last night after undergoing surgery. He said she was resting and asked if it could wait a couple of weeks, asked if I was an old friend from school and I said, "Um.. no, not from school, she doesn't know me.. I'm more.. a relative. But I've been looking for her for a while so I can wait a while longer to make sure she's the right person, no problem.." He sounded a little less guarded knowing I wasn't a collector or telemarketer maybe, but he was protective. I was so close.. but I'll call again next Saturday. I'm not giving up now.

************************

To distract myself - and possibly you, my dear readers, I've taken the iTunes off of shuffle as someone else's idea made me reorganize alphabetically by song. Ingenious, I thought, and I'm making myself go thru the whole thing til I've hit the end. I'm only into the B's and I've been listening for a couple of weeks. I have to say, I have a great collection I'm happy with and thought sporadically, I'd share the best with you. Keep in mind I like a variety of things - pop, dance/techno from my raver days, really good damn rock, 80's from growing up because.. helloo.. I'm old, people, some things you might call adult contemporary a.k.a slow, mellow, borrrring to some maybe but whatever, and singer/songwriter types some of which are good for chilly Sunday nights or broken hearts or pms days with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. I also like things that sound different, am a musical theater soundtrack whore and have some classical mixed in.. so if you care, search them all up and take a listen. I know I'm such a trendsetter that you'd all follow me in a heartbeat (Ha! As if! Hi last person EVER to get a dvd player/cell phone/rollerblades and see Avatar), but don't blame me if you spend a zillion dollars downloading from iTunes and I'm too quirky or lame for your personal taste. I won't be offended. Seriously. My gift to you.

A's

Again Again - Lady Gaga/The Fame - She seriously has an amazing voice here.

Aha! - Imogen Heap/Ellipse - I love the sound of this one.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - Bill Withers/Greatest Hits - My ex, Ali, put this on his voicemail when we dated years ago so when I would call, I would hear it and know he was thinking of me. God love that man.

All Dressed Up - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - Just feels good.

All My Life - Foo Fighters/One By One - Just a great rock song and one of the best concerts I've ever seen in my life. Dave Grohl is just hot in my opinion.

All These Things That I've Done - The Killers/Hot Fuss - Any song with a choir in the background should royally kick ass and this one does.

All My Loving - The Beatles (tho the version I have is from the movie, Across The Universe sung by Jim Sturgess, but we'll just say the original is damn catchy.

All You Need Is Love - The Beatles - This truly is a timeless song for me..

Angel - Jack Johnson/Sleep Through The Static - I put this on a cd for The Boy - it doesn't hurt as much anymore.. and he wondered why he didn't find it for me, but it's still a perfect song.

Angel On My Shoulder - Kaskade/Strobelight Seduction - Love most everything Kaskade spins. The gays of our lives and I saw him live not too long ago and danced our asses off.

Angel's Heap - The Finn Brothers/Finn - I love Neil Finn, formerly of Crowded House, a lot. He writes amazing lyrics. His brother, Tim, sang with him on this album, who also doesn't suck.

Angeles - Elliott Smith/Good Will Hunting Soundtrack - Just another good one.

Anything I'm Not - Lenka/Lenka - This girl is just cute all over. I like the way she writes.

Apres Moi - Regina Spektor/Begin To Hope - This song makes me think of big Russians for some reason.. but I love it. Totally different.

Ashes - KT Tunstall/KT Tunstalls' Acoustic Extravaganza - Almost country, not quite, but I love the cussing in this one.

Astair - Matt Costa/Songs We Sing - Discovered him while dating The Boy and he's addicting.

Atlantic - Keane/Under The Iron Sea - I liked the album before this, but didn't love them til this one. Just find this one moving.

Au Pays De Gandhi - MC Solaar/Mach 6 - French rapping. What else could you possibly want?

Australia - The Shins/Wincing The Night Away - The very beginning you can barely hear they say 'Time to put the earphones on' in this very almost bossy German voice and this teeny tiny little girl's voice says emphatically, 'NO!' It's just awesome.

Awe - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - This guy just kinda grooves. I love it. And there's horns in it.

Ok - off to the gym to work out this strange day. Love to you, kittens!

Questions.. For Someone.. People Maybe..

I called.

Mom, Gram, all y'all told me to. So I did. Two days ago. In the middle of the afternoon. She should be 69 so.. why wasn't she home? Lunch special at Sizzler? Wtf? And um.. she didn't call back. So my guess is.. she won't? Yeah.. something like that.

What makes her different from the last lame guy?

Well.. besides the obvious.. yes, but.. still..

These might be the thoughts I've had since the moment I hung up the phone after leaving a voicemail with just my basic info and for her to call me back (because yeah.. that would make anyone call back.. a complete stranger.. not asking for anything with much specificity AT ALL.. right, I'd be right on that immediately):

* Crap. I just left the woman who could be my birth mother a voicemail.

* She hasn't gone by her maiden name since 1974. So to have someone ask for her, the her whose maiden name might be Chavez, might turn on a light/clue her in/cause anxiety she hasn't felt in 38 years.

* Seriously.. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL?! AM I INSANE?! Gah.. Don't answer that.

* She left the Bay Area around three months pregnant - probably before she was showing much - and I know she couldn't be in the relationship with whomever my father was.. but maybe she left without telling him.. about the not showing yet.. about me.

* Uh.. yeah.. why is that thought JUST NOW occurring to me? Wow.. could she have.. ? Really?

Until about 10 years ago, she was the only person I was looking for. I assumed she was probably around 17 and in 'trouble' at the time. And then I sent away for my pre-adoption record and she was 30. That changed the perspective. At 17, it's a necessity. But at 30? That's a significant decision. So I just assumed they made the choice together, broke off their relationship for whatever reason (he was married to a woman.. or to God maybe - really, it's possibly an insanely good scandal) and that was that. But what if she never told him and therefore he wasn't part of that choice..?

Eeesh..

These are just the inner-workings of my overactive thinking.. questions going 'round my head like.. why are there so many damn buttons and clasps on business pants? Seriously.. it's like getting into/out of Fort Knox when you have to pee.. wtf? Also does anyone else like The Marriage Ref like I do? Holy crap! The guests tonight were Larry David, Madonna and Ricky Gervais. High-larious. Also also? Saw Alice In Wonderland tonight and maybe remembered a couple of important points about it: a) It was one of my favorite stories ever as a child and I should re-read it and b) there was no dancing in it. None. I mean, I'm pretty sure. So I'm all for free reign with the artistic license and whatnot - because it was a 98% perfect movie - EXCEPT for the dancing. Two moments. Two very awkward moments. Tim. I ask you. Why? Seriously.. don't you people screen that stuff? Just saying. Two percent under perfection. Are you happy now? Had to have your dancing, didn't you? Pffft..

Also, I'm still feeling the caution pictures. They most accurately represent this risk-taking, and apparently the possible decapitating (of sorts) venture of mine.

Also also? I've been on that teeter-totter at Burning Man. Seriously scary and fun. Except more the former and less the latter.. but hellloo.. TEETER-TOTTER OF DEATH! As if you see THAT every day, right? I mean, I'm right, aren't I?

Lost & Found

When I was about six or seven, my parents told me I was adopted. For a while, when I would meet new friends, I told this story with a matter-of-fact sort of distance. I remember saying, '.. and those people adopted me,' like they were kind strangers I toddled right up to and noticing I had no actual parents and I was brand new to the world, it was a logical decision to take me in. In fact, being nothing like that, of course it was a loving decision and they very much wanted me. But knowing that much also means that someone else did not.

Enter in: Abandonment complex.

However subconscious that is, it's there. Possibly heightened by those parents who loved me so much, but didn't know how to always show it correctly because they were so messed up themselves and thus all my failure buttons were created. My demons in a nutshell: Do something right and people stick around. Fail for whatever reason - mostly, by being yourself - and they don't - but it was because you're stupid, an airhead, or worthless anyway. Translate that to keeping friends or lovers and they can disappear because they have no obligation to stay like my parents. So when I say I want to make a t-shirt that says, "Without me, it'd just be 'aweso' ", sure, I seem to have a healthy ego, but I think sometimes I toot that horn that loudly because I have to make sure I hear it myself.

So the dating. Yeah.. it was going ok. I mean, I'm doing it. Usually first dates only. I don't know how many of you darling four readers are single, if any of you, but I've honed some skills - one being to know if I'm drawn to someone in the first few minutes. Some I'd even say seconds.. it's really quick. These are online sorts of things of course where there's no time to build up anything remotely friendly before you're sharing a table, a couple of drinks and small talk. I'd known The Boy for two months and worked along side him in his theatre before my first meeting with him as part of the company where we both noticed a real spark we thought could become more. But it's not impossible to have a lasting connection with someone brand new right away - it just doesn't happen that often.

But, when it does..? I might get excited about it. I might be sort of girly about it, giggly even when it goes so well I don't want to leave.. or when he wants to make me dinner the next night.. or we kiss after what I thought was a near perfect evening and it was more than awesome. And I might be inclined to check in a couple of days later and say 'hey, how are things,' all breezy of course - because apparently, breezy is part of the game. And tho he responded only to answer the question - I should've read that as.. hm.. he didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask to see me again and despite the 20 minute make out that was fantastic, thank you very much, too bad - done and done. But do I think that? Duh.. no. I think it's fine. He asked me out, he made dinner so I might've gone ahead and asked if there was any room in his schedule to hang next week. And when there was no answer to that question for TWO DAYS, I might've completely over-thought it, texted him again and said I must've misread his interest, was glad to have met, thanks for having me over, hope he was enjoying the sunny day - and according to everyone, EXCEPT my best gay boyfriend EVER, Loren, who I know now always has my back (seriously, if you don't have a best gay boyfriend.. dear God.. get one), that's when I crossed the line into Crazytown.

1. I don't think it was crazy.

2. Crazy is a really rash term.. hello.. NOT crazy over here. And it's just kind of mean.

3. Online Boy and I share the same birthday and are similar people (and by that I DON'T mean THE SAME or that he MUST be my soulmate for chrissakes) but he tells it like it is, like I do.. so yeah, it surprised me when instead of being direct and saying, 'Hey, had a nice time, didn't feel a connection (despite said makeout - whatever), but thanks,' or something to that effect, he is Completely. Silent. And heretofore: a jackass.

4. Why am I still shocked men do this shit?

5. Seriously - I'm not fucking crazy.

6. I'm actually a great person to date and I rock as a girlfriend.

7. So there.

8. I liked the jackass.

Ugh.

Tho I had his answer when he didn't get back to me in the first place, I stand by the fact that I was only communicating and there's nothing wrong with that. I might've done it in the wrong way, but communication is something that makes you an adult. This isn't the movie Swingers, people. Who the fuck is waiting for six days to call their 'babies'? If they are, they're not worth you're time because THAT'S STUPID. I'm not saying stalk people, but don't blow a girl off. That's just rude.

Am I impatient? Sure.. I liked him. We had great conversation, we're both in theatre, we knew some of the same people and I thought there was a spark for sure. But here's where my demon steps in and I start thinking I said or did something wrong, I showed my hand too soon, it was too obvious I liked him.. Pffft - whatever. I'm sorry - I never read The Rules. I don't know how to pretend I don't like someone when I do. And truly, if he liked me at all, it wouldn't have mattered what I said and he would've responded because all of this dating stuff makes everyone nervous - we're human. It's hard to be vulnerable. Cut a girl some slack, ok? Fuck.

I know, I know.. I'm 42 cats shy of being Bitter Old Cat Lady. Fine.

Next built-in, self-fulling, I-could-screw-this-up prophecy story:

Around the holidays, a tv show called Find My Family began that reuinted lost family members, adoptees, etc. From the creators of Extreme Home Make-Over, it was sure to be another exploitive primetime tear-jerker. But, having been looking for my birth mother for close to 10 years now, the possibilities were intriguing. The network did all the research and the approaching to see if the lost wanted to be found, reunions were set up and many tears were had. I had no desire to be on tv. I just wanted to find her. I even went as far to fill out the application - and I think I have a pretty compelling situation surrounding my adoption that would make it a good story - but I never got around to sending it in and the show seems to be off the air now.

This week there was another show starring celebrities this time that traces back their genealogy and it made me think, like I often have, that I can't do that. My brother traced back my adoptive family, but it's not my story. His roots are German, Irish and Scottish. I was jealous when he did that because it's not something I can do. He knows his story, he knows where he gets his ability to draw (Mom) and his temper and tone-deaf ear (Dad). He's the spitting image of Dad and he even has his voice. I know not all blood-related families share heaps of similarities, but the only resemblances to my family I came away with are behavioral - and as discussed - rather dysfunctional.

I got online and googled Find My Family again. I don't know why really - but I found a registry unrelated to the show, registered with the info I had and a couple of hours later, the woman who runs the site emailed me saying she found a marriage certificate that seemed to match who I was looking for. I've written her three times now (yes, yes, we know I'm an over-communicator, that's been established, thank you) asking questions with no response from her, so I contacted J for her opinion.

J found me some years ago thanks to another online adoption registry while she was also looking for my birth mother. They were friends in college and the fact she knew I was Carmen's daughter literally took my breath away. Intermittently, both of us have put in effort here and there to get more detail, but we found nothing terribly conclusive. And tho we've probably been connected for a few years now, we'd never actually spoken on the phone until yesterday. She sounds like I thought she would - warm and kind and most importantly, supportive of this need of mine to find her. And now with this new marriage record, we had a real lead.

We spent over an hour on the phone, hitting the internet from each side til we thought not only could we support the record I received might be the right person, the right age, the right details, but that she actually lives in Portland, Oregon - just three hours away - with her husband (who's 10 years younger by the way - hellooo - sound like anyone you know?!). And, one of the best things ever - they had a daughter in 1976, which means I could have a sister. And there in black and white was her phone number clearly listed as well.

I told Mom today who agrees with J that I should just call. And here's where I'm erring on the side of caution for once. I think J should call. She can soften the blow of I'M YOUR DAUGHTER by distracting her with long lost friend news and then a casual, oh hey, while trying to find you, I found someone else first who really wants to meet you.. and then I can drop the I'M YOUR DAUGHTER bomb because then she'll have decided, yes, she does want to meet me after digesting the idea. I think this is a good plan. J's argument is that it's time. Surprisingly simple, right? I'm not sure if that sounds more like the thru line in a sappy tv show or what, but she says it so calmly, I kind of want to believe that's enough to think this could work. Yes, I can make the call and we'll all have a happy reunion and go out to brunch or something.. and then I wake up and realize, this isn't tv and people have a tendency of freaking the fuck out when you deliver CRAZY news like, hello, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption 38 years ago.. how are you? Yeah.. seems a little rash to me.. but what do I know?

If you can't tell, and I'm sure you can, I'm sort of freaking out. This is a big deal. It's freakin huge, ok? And people don't get it, which is a bummer. I just can't explain it to them because they know what it's like to have a family connection. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my family and all our flaws. Mom will always ALWAYS be my mom. But my birth mom is MY story and I want to discover her. She holds keys to my identity that I don't have. It won't change who I am.. not inherently. I know who I am with or without her - but will it change everything if she's willing to open her life to me? Absolutely. How could it not?

And there's the possibility.. well.. that she could also say no. And here I am again, getting excited, but trying not to get my hopes up.. because it matters if she picks up or doesn't return my call. This isn't a guy not worth the price of the lipgloss I put on.. this could be my mother. There's only one of her. And that changes the whole game.

Needed: Just A Little Luck

So my pretties.. it's shocking that I've been even too busy to write these days. Looking for work is a full-time job itself. There's also some good time spent with friends, working on oneself internally as well as externally, and maybe a little dating here and there, which has all proven to be really positive. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty discouraged there for a while and certainly, the financial sitch keeps me motivated, but there seems to be a bit of good karma finally coming my way and without taking it for granted, I've noticed smiling has become more frequent and my head isn't too heavy to hold up these days. It's a nice change.

I also may have started the first season of Dexter because I thought as the last person on the planet who hasn't seen the show, it might be best to find out what everyone was talking about. And Oh. My. God. Did you guys start having dreams about it once you found out who the real Ice Truck Killer was?! I mean, I was trying to tell Dexter, finding, of course, as you do in dreams, that you have no voice and can't remember what you wanted to say, but played out most of a creepy episode created by my subconscious. Upon waking up, felt slightly disturbed, but I can't wait to watch the next episode.

So I'm keeping busy, throwing out the optimistic vibes to the Universe and hoping it responds favorably really soon - even if it did let me down in the US vs Canada hockey game, but the trash talking over texts with my Canuck friends while it was going on was totally worth it.

I'm also putting out creative energy into another direction and auditioning for a band this Saturday. It's something like 60's retro-pop sort of stuff and I really dig it. I love theater, but producing it can make you think that's all there is when there are other ways I can generate art and shine in my own light.. one where I'm a lot more sure of my own abilities. Color me extremely excited!

Anyway, I haven't died or jumped in front of a passing bus yet. Life hasn't become that dire, thank God.. but please cross all your fingers/toes/extra digits for me, if you wouldn't mind.. (primarily for the second interview I think went uber well today and hoping they short-list me or just plain offer me the job - pleasepleaseplease!) or send wine.. or money.. or wine covered in money? Whatever. Neither would hurt.

Off to continue to take on the world yet again!

A Belated Valentine's Day List

Because Valentine's was just another day, I made a list. I love love. I do. I don't hold anything against the couples who can't contain their affections because I've been there.. tho it seems like a long time ago now, but I would be fully disgustingly gushing if I was in love. Tho it's over-marketed, the world can always use more love, in my opinion. So there's no boyfriend this year. Meh. So what? I have so many other people - friends, family and a pudgy kitty that mean the world to me. I mean, ok, if there's no boyfriend by next year, sure.. I might start making one up, but til then..

A List for Valentine's (a day late):

* Even on a dark and rainy day in the last couple of weeks, the one song that always manages to bring a smile to my face is the theme song to The Office. It's the ringtone for my text messages. How can one be sad hearing that song? One can't. Try it. I challenge you.

* Have you ever just hit shuffle on your entire iTunes library? I just did while getting ready to go out. I didn't realize how much awesome music I have. And how awesome I am. I'm just saying.

* On that note, I heard some great music at a restaurant this weekend and asked the waitress about it who said she'd be happy to burn me a cd. I thought it was so nice that I decided to make her one too.. you know.. thinking it was a positive thing. Actually, saying it outloud sounds kind of stalkery now. Hopefully she won't think I'm trying to hit on her when I drop it off and will realize I'm just spreading the nice..

* The painting of the kitchen that is taking a KAJILLION years is almost done! Seriously! And it's looking sooo good! I only have like a 6 x 7 space left, but it's all about committing to it because the oven has to come out each time. That doesn't sound like much but, dude.. it's a small space. Come over if you don't believe me. I've got an extra brush.

* And I would've finished it this weekend, but I discovered Dead Like Me. A short-lived Showtime series that's.. hellooo?? Awesome. Take the gratuitous cussing out and it could've been on mainstream tv so I'm sad for it because it's smart and original and I have this thing about death and God and all that.. so it fully suits me. Halfway thru the season and I think I've made more progress on the show than the last bit of painting I have yet to do. I can't help it. It's addicting.

* Now that I think about it.. can I drop that cd off for the waitress and not have her think I'm a stalker? I mean.. I'll still do it.. but tell me, would you think it's just good karma coming back if someone of the same sex did that for you? Hm.. get back to me on that.

* Hellooo.. can you say Olympics? The US already has 7 medals and I'm pretty excited to see Apollo Ohno try to get more today. NBC insists on delaying most of the live coverage for evening timeframes which is my only grievance. I've found I do love being a complete girl and fawning over the ice skating, but the half-pipe snowboard stuff is pretty damn cool too. The opening ceremonies had a lot to make fun of (I mean, seriously KD Lang - really? Hallelujah? Does that scream 'olympic feeling' to you? Not to mention the two Canadian icons, Anne Murray and Bryan Adams, who South Park loves to mock, had to be present as well. The latter writing and singing one of the most boring songs ever with Nelly Furtado, a very pretty girl, but from the shoulders down looked like a drag prom date.), but they also felt inspiring and creative. If you're going to put on a show like that, Vancouver is filled with amazing visual and technical artists - because hi - did you SEE those whales?! So cool right?!

* Kario and my nieces came over today to bathe me in love and lunch. They are always a joy to have around and my nieces are turning out to be quite the characters. I may not be the richest or best auntie they have, but I love my best friend who's always there for me and my girls who've been part of my life since the day they were born. I'm chillin with them all weekend and I just have to make sure they are tattoo and piercing free when I hand them back to their parents.

* My mom actually has more dates these days than I do. She's seeing TWO guys apparently. The effect romance has on her always bleeds over into good things for me. She seems quite a bit happier and I'm relieved because she's less lonely. She even called this morning to reassure me if my work situation isn't resolved soon, that she'll help me figure things out financially. It took her a couple of weeks, but she offered that on her own. She knows I'm not a failure and tho she doesn't expressly say that directly, I know she realizes this is hard for me. It felt good to know I could count on her without asking. She was just being a good mom and it kind of overwhelmed me with love this morning.

* The Universe is being a little fickle but I'm trying to maintain patience that She'll come around my direction. There's a possible interview with another telecom, but they haven't confirmed when yet and another set for Wednesday with a placement firm for contract work. Regardless, I'm mentally preparing, thinking only of past mistakes as stepping stones to making me a better person all around and asking Ms. Universe to bring me only positive opportunities. As my acting teacher used to tell me, all I can do is give my gift. I just have to believe I have one to give.

* Since I haven't gone to bed yet even tho it's after 3am, I'm going to count this last entry for Monday - but I think I finally finished painting the damn kitchen! Like just now! Can you say it with me??! YAY!

And yeah, I'm going to end there because a girl's gotta go out on a high note.. or go to sleep on one. Either way.

Happy belated Valentine's kittens.. I hope you were all appropriately adored. Mwah!