Only two more days

Oh believe it. I'm already counting down. Sorry.. maybe you like your family. Hell, maybe you even love them. Don't get me wrong. I love mine, but I don't in any way like them most of the time... and spending the holidays being around them just seems to remind me of this glaring fact that I forget when I'm in my sassy little world.. oh.. without them.

At the moment I entered the house today I'd apparently interrupted some conversation between my mother and my aunt, which didn't stop with my arrival even tho I hadn't seen anyone since Thanksgiving. In fact, Gram asked about my drive and somewhere in the middle of my story about the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF STANDING WATER and ALL THE HYDROPLANING that I thought could likely lead to MY OWN PERSONAL AND AGONIZING DEATH that SCARED ME TO THE POINT OF A CRUMBLY GIRLY MESS, Mom didn't even acknowledge I'd walked in the door. Of course immediately after bringing in my things, I literally felt myself regress to a snotty brat of 17, sat on the couch and grabbed the nearest magazine in hopes it might swallow me whole somehow. Or with just my reading skills I could ignore everyone til it was time for dinner.. whichever came first.

Hi! Welcome home!

After another young cousin arrived with her two very chatty children (TWO people.. the girl is just 21! Hellloooo..) and her father, my uncle, the zoning out was a success.

I know.. I'm completely rude.. especially since after they left, we all opened presents with my brother and his wife. That was the fun part and I think most everyone was happy with their gifts - even if I'm convinced Mom will take the really very cute and so soft jacket from me back the first chance she gets. She did feign she liked it for a bit.. that's all I could ask for.. at least she tried. Tho she'll most likely leave it in the bag for three weeks first before she remembers she never tried it on and then she will, but it won't fit and then she'll take it back but maybe leave it in her trunk for another month after that. Did I mention her birthday is also a couple weeks before Christmas? Yes, well.. December is my personal hell when it comes to my mother. Sigh..

Should I even begin with my brother? I'd think not, but I can't really help myself. It started after the holiday movie catch up we usually do, which means watching all the movies I wouldn't have EVER paid to see but Mom seems to think she'll BUY cuz she says it's actually um..cheaper (someone please explain this to me like I'm a 6-year-old), one being Mr. & Mrs. Smith - not nearly as bad as people made it out to be. Not deep or anything, but hey, I enjoyed it.. and The Brothers Grimm - ugh.. bleh! Trash! Get it out now! I wouldn't use this script to clean out Emma's kitty box.. good God.. this was SO bad I was actually annoyed.. I kept telling the tv to shut up.. bad movie, no biscuit!

And when it was FINALLY over.. my life shortened unnecessarily by three painful hours.. the news was reporting some shark attack near Seaside. I simply made a comment after they'd said the man was rushed to the nearby hospital about how he's probably worse off since hospitals on the coast over there - and we lived there for 10 years so we've heard the stories - aren't so great. You know.. someone goes in for appendicitis and comes out sans right foot or something. Oh I don't know all the details.. I heard it as a kid and there was a doctor there named Dr. Hazzard. What the hell does that say? I'll tell you.. nothing good. Pffft!

But then.. my brother had to argue with me. This is our routine when we're in the same house together for times like these and I usually count how long we go til we get into one of these inane discussions. This time = about 6 hours. Record.

Todd: Actually Angel, I personally know two friends who've been saved by the hospitals over there.

Me: For what?

Todd: Shark attacks.

Me: Ok.. whatever *turning back around to the computer where I'm venting oh so creatively and thinking to myself.. oh yes.. ALL your friends are shark attack survivors.. yes yes.. yawn*

Todd: *still going on..I have no idea what he said here*

Me: Ok.. I'm not listening. You can stop talking now.

Todd: *muttering some insult in Russian cuz he thinks he's so smart since he married a Russian girl - who, by the way, I happen to really like - but it doesn't matter cuz he's still my brother and a retard at that*

Me: Um, hello.. it wasn't a personal attack on you, Todd..

Todd: I didn't say it was.

Me: You sure act like it *Interrupted by -

Mom: ALRIGHT, BOTH OF YOU.. KNOCK IT OFF.

*ahem*

So yeah, yesterday I braved two inches of rain that sounds not that bad but it made the roads really, really scary for miles and my arms were so tense from gripping the wheel so tightly and I was so terrified after swerving severely multiple times that I thought I was going to kill myself and many other people, which wouldn't be so nice for all their families or, you know, me.. so I pulled off the nearest exit and when I finally got somewhere I could stop I just broke down and cried. Yes.. hi.. sad moment.. I mean, it was REALLY scary, thank you! But boy called, tried to calm me down, and convinced me to get a hotel and just leave in the morning. This was very good advice. Boy = smart. Well.. boy is many things in addition to smart, but smart comes in so handy when dealing with a cute but borderline hysterical girl.

At this moment, I wish I was back there.. right now. The hotel had waffles. Calls from boy help too.. but nothing can go wrong when you have waffles. Waffles make everything better.

Ok - really.. last time.. happy family time to all of you.. and um.. if you have a sec.. send help. Or some waffles.

Christmas is upon me. No really.. like.. get it off me! Now!

Ok.. let's start out with the beginning of December. Uh, hi.. sneaky! Suddenly it was just... there. I knew it was coming, but just didn't think about it.. and WHAM! There it was.. like.. like.. um..well, like something very unexpected.. ok?! And I really do enjoy the holidays.. no one died - oh wait - someone actually did one time.. hmm.. but you know, that was a long time ago and we've all sought therapy and we're all ok with that now.. and I'm fine with the sing-songyness in every possible person and thing that surrounds me that I couldn't get away from it all unless I left the planet anyway so why fight it..? I mean, the holidays are cute.. we have a cute little tree that's cutely decorated and there are stockings hung up - Emma even has one in the shape of a kitty paw - and tho I'm happy cuz really, things are pretty good, I've marked December as a month of delusion to which I just have to resign myself..

Let's start out with something small.. Christmas songs. Have you heard 'Here Comes Santa Claus' lately? I'm not talking about something new and full of disco pop. It's just the regular old Gene Autry version and uh, let me just tell you.. there's a little something in it I've never caught before.. yes indeedy.. a verse in there that you might not expect. Oh it's sugary innocence from childhood that is recognized immediately, but like those Bugs Bunny gags that flew right over your head as a wee tot that you now fully understand as an adult.. the third verse of this Santa jingle hit boy and me as we were driving along last weekend, completely minding our own business while we sang along to whatever Christmas tune came on cuz hey, there's nothing wrong with a little holiday cheer.. there was happiness and smiling.. la la la la.. here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane.. la la la la la la la la so let's give thanks to the Lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight.. whaaaaaaaaat??

Ok.. I know it's all about the birth of the baby Jesus and the three wise men and oh suuuuure Mary was a virgin and all that.. I mean, I've been beaten about the head with it since the day after Thanksgiving.. but please tell me what God and Santa are doing in the same song! Isn't there irony (if that's the proper usage.. I don't need any Alanis backlashing now..) in the fact that here is a nice little holiday song about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER involving.. um.. GOD.. a UNIVERSAL IDEA. Now.. before you start.. you could also argue the opposite point that Santa is universal and that God, is in fact, a fictional character and that's fine - believe what you will - I'm all for free thinking here, but my point is there's no church of Saint Nicholas around the corner however widely accepted he is. Terrorists don't go around doing their terroristy-type nastiness in the name of Santa (tho I bet if they did, it'd be a whole mess o' nice around the world, which hey.. wouldn't suck), no one prays to him (wishing for presents once a year doesn't count), and no one's calling out his name like they do God's in the throes (throws?? I looked it up.. it didn't help) of passion if you get my drift.. are you picking up what I'm putting down?? I'm just sayin'.. that's all.

Anyway.. that's where it started.

And that was the easy stuff.. obviously..

Now.. speaking of throws (now seriously.. is it throws or throes? I can't figure it out..) of passion.. boy (the one I named recently who is quite achingly hot by the way, but was still sort of taken aback by seeing his name in one of the most recent posts to which I reminded him that he'd said it was ok and then I added he should be careful what he wished for noting he's still quite adorable even when squeamish for a few seconds over the cyber-outing) and I are creating enough electricity to light up the entire city, which let me tell you, rocks.. to put it simply. However, there are.. um.. some small issues - and no no NO.. don't go there.. THAT is NOT what I'm talking about.. That actually is very.. um.. fine.. better than fine if you really need to know.. Ok?! Sheesh.. let's just be clear. No no.. what I mean is sometimes there are issues with the condoms.. and I hate them and I'm sure he hates them but we have to use them unless of course you people want some little Miss D's running around and ohdeargodbiteyourtongue we do not! I mean there are plenty of prophylactic choices out there, but yours truly just thought it easier to keep with the latex option when physical contact was more a spontaneous thing.. unless the day should find me with the same person for a while, which seems to have happened. So now it's a bit more plausible to think about other alternatives cuz condoms are only working like two-thirds of the time.. which, if you do the math, and I usually don't cuz hey, I studied theatre, is a whole lot less than 100%.

See.. they come off. The condoms. Or they've broken.. and either of those happening ruins the mood cuz guess what.. we both 'calmly' freak the fuck out.

The solution is that we call my nice doctor (Dr. Wise - isn't that great??) who nicely calls over to the pharmacy with a little prescription for 'Plan B', which so far has happened twice (and if you're offended by this, really, keep your opinions to yourself or I'll be forced to cover my ears and yell out jibberish til you stop.. and you'd hate that.). Now, it's not like we're doing this on purpose.. these are definitely accidents and tho it sounds like ALL kinds of fun thinking every little change in my body is reason enough to think I'm pregnant, I'm also the one who has to take the pill to prevent that after both said accidents. This would be fine if it just left me alone and didn't fuck around with my hormones and make me oh.. EXTREMELY depressed for FIVE. ENTIRE. DAYS. Drop of a hat and it was waterworks people.. the computer froze and suddenly I was a total failure in life.. I held it together luckily cuz I had some sense of reason trying its best to prevail while telling myself this was just temporary and my reactions were just hormonal.. but good God.. I might've killed someone if I hadn't gotten a frickin hug every day. And, I should add, boy is really, really good at this necessity. It works like a charm. Seriously.

In the middle of every possible emotion I could be feeling, there was quite the display of aggravation towards the roomie when we got into a fight about the heat that escalated to the point where I actually slammed her door - or um.. tried to - they're old doors and it wouldn't slam - this was especially frustrating as the goal was to make a good amount of noise and all I heard was a slight whooshing sound - and that only served to heighten any irritation that caused me to almost spontaneously combust. Not my proudest moment - it certainly wasn't maturity that was oozing out my pores.. oh no.. and it made for a very quiet and tense rest of the week at home. Ahh.. the curse of hating living alone and at the same time wishing you could have the house to yourself.. I'm still working that one out.

This again, wasn't the worst thing that happened.. like you didn't know there was more..

On the way back home Friday night from a friend's Christmas party at her new GIGANTIC house (seriously - it looks like a life-size version of the dollhouse I had as a kid.. wow) in Issaquah (small SMALL town east of Seattle), boy and I are driving thru town, so not speeding at 25 mph and I notice the unmarked police car that I pass - yeah, I noticed it.. hi.. not born yesterday, nuh-uh.. but I'm so innocent and not hitting things.. look! But what does she do? Oh, nothing except pulls out RIGHT BEHIND me and immediately turns on her lights. For a millisecond, boy thought she'd go by me, but come on.. we all knew better. Fifteen minutes later, after asking me at least three times how much I'd had to drink cuz I was fumbly with all my paperwork.. helloooo.. nerves people.. I had a really nice green ticket in hand from the very, very mean police lady for

1. No lights on the back license plate (her first reason for pulling me over and by the way.. WHO sees when those are out?!)
2. Expired tabs (from August .. and YES, I knew they were expired.. but if you'd like to pay for them you might notice they are only like $200 EVERY YEAR and on my budget, that's just more funny than something that actually happens - plus there was a matter of three parking tickets I had to pay for first and geez lady.. I just got the letter saying NOW I could get tabs.. grumble grumble)
3. AND oooooh.. this is the BEST part.. an expired driver's license! Cuz SOMEONE just had a birthday, which when I told mean police lady she sarcastically said, 'Uh.. in November..' Ok.. but Ms. Very Nice Police Officer I work 8-5, and you know, coincidentally, so does the DMV. It's a little difficult, ok? Can't you be nice for just ONE second?! This I said in my head or she may have cuffed me right there for insubordination or some other word with a lot of syllables.. and I was already scared enough.. so instead I said very sadly, 'Um.. yes.'

NOW Ms. Mean thought I was a problem drinker cuz my hands were apparently too spasmy to handle all my legal documents AND I was sans legal license, so she made boy change seats with me since he'd brought all this upon himself by making the oh-so-wise choice of me as his current company (she didn't say that but you could see it in her eyes.. judgement was there.. mean mean lady cop!) so he could drive his criminal date and her just as incriminating vehicle back home to the not so Christmasy tune of $7HUNDREDand32DOLLARS which is not very easy to sing along to.. no, no it is not..

And you might think it was over.. cuz maybe this would be enough, you would think.. but you'd be thinking SO wrong. Yes you would!

THEN.. Mom calls not to guilt-trip me, but to tell me my cute, little, sassy-about-everything Grandma, the ONLY grandparent left standing so to speak, who's in the hospital for KNEE SURGERY people, which is NOT a big deal and that was supposed to keep her there for a maximum of three days, is still in the hospital cuz her kidneys AND her liver decided team playing was for sissies and if they just went into RENAL FAILURE they could lengthen their cushy hospital stay. Gram, in all her spitfiryness, is not pleased with them one bit and tho no one's saying it outloud, we know which internal organs won't be getting any homemade canned goods for Christmas.. uh-uh..

But don't fret now.. today is looking decidedly less emotionally hung up, praise Jesus!, things will be taken care of with the Issaquah courts before some unknown court date next month where I will beg and plead and dress oh so nicely to show I'm a good and upstanding citizen even if I break some very very small laws, roomies and I will just have to figure out how to get along, God and Santa will co-exist somewhere happily ever after.. and Gram should actually pull thru all the scary stuff.. It was just a big week.. Could you tell?

Til next time - Merry Christmas y'all! Hope you have a happy and safe holiday, getting everything you want and nothing you need (blatantly stolen from Victoria's Secret - um.. hint hint..)!

Aaaack!

Sorry to scare you there for a second.. just needed your attention.

Ok.. if you haven't noticed.. it's December and that = Christmas which = really dang busy.. and like 18 parties to attend and budgets to manage (And by manage I mean not buying anything til the next pay day.. grrr... AND just realizing the bonus we were supposed to get at work is actually NOT going to be a real bonus of cash in hand but cash in my newly acquired 401k - and yes, that's very good for later and it's nothing to sneeze at, sure, but now it doesn't help me. No, it doesn't. Not at all. Double grrr..) and ideas for presents to come up with (Seriously, what do you buy the mother who has everything and if she doesn't have everything she buys that for herself?? I'm taking suggestions!).. and you see where I'm going with this? Busy girl, not-so-calm girl, trying-to-keep-it-together girl over here.. send help! Send chocolate! Send someone with an oversized check of a million dollars written in my name!

Or.. please wait patiently for the new and sure to be lengthy next post.. cuz you know I have stuff to say.. oooooooh.. yes.. yes I do.

Snow, movies, snow in the movies..

It snowed in Seattle yesterday. Ugh... here we go.

If you know anything about Seattle you know that:

a) Snowing this low to sea level is rare in this area.. oh..um..well, any area close to sea level I imagine.. God I'm stupid. Hey.. at least I caught it.. you hush up now.

b) No one in Seattle can drive in it (I mean, we (and by 'we' I mean everyone else but me, thank you) can't drive in the rain and it rains 10 months out of the year here people!))

c) EVERYONE freaks out - including the news and their INSANE "Winter Storm Watch" reports.. as in scary-music-hide-the-children-run-for-your-lives-this-is-our-Katrina sort of storm or something when really it's just a little snow flurry for half a day and it DOESN'T even STICK. Um.. hi, I've seen colder elements in Dairy Queen. Puh-leaze..

And d) because of b, the smart people call in to work and stay off the roads cuz none of us have 1. snow tires (We don't have air conditioning or pools either. It's the curse of moderate weather. No extremes here..usually.), 2. the patience to deal with the people who choose to drive like idiots - they may be able to drive in it, but remember, we all brake the same - and usually brakes + ice = overly arrogant assholes in the ditch, which is a great source of entertainment for me this time of year, or 3. a burning ethical or moral reason against lying to our bosses to whine sympathetically about how we couldn't possibly get out of our driveways and up the hill/down the road/around that bad corner and to the office. Yay! Snow day!!

Course, like I said, it didn't stick so guess who still had to come into work today.. pfft.. yeah. And here I am.. working away.. yup.. but um, in case my CEO reads this, seriously, I'm REALLY happy to be here.. and by the way, I'm on lunch currently.

ANYWAY...

In other news.. the Thanksgiving holiday was spent with the mother and grandmother units and was virtually fight free.. *applause* Thank you! It wasn't so tough this time, but four days with them is about my limit even when one day is usually filled with eating to the point of not needing to talk about anything at all cuz you're too busy napping and digesting. Did I mention my cranberry sauce kicked ass? Oh, it did.. let me tell you.

So, usually, I'm much better with three days at the ranch of Mom. It did help that at least five hours of that long weekend was spent at the movies - Harry Potter and Yours, Mine & Ours. The former was much better than the latter, tho the latter was still cute and again, I wasn't going to complain about movie choices when it meant snacks and movie magic rather than possibly fighting about whether Sheryl Crow actually sings COUNTRY MUSIC sometimes, which Mom thinks for some deluded reason, or not, which I think since most likely Mom's just thinking of the wrong person cuz that's what she does ALL. The. Time. I know it sounds crazy, but we really had that argument til Gram snapped and told us both to shut up. That's Gram's soft side for you..

Back home with cute boy, Brandon (he said I could name him), has been really nice. Cold weather is the best excuse, not that we really need one, for warmth and affection and he's been happy to oblige me often. One of our dates this week was to see the movie RENT cuz we're both big fans of the Broadway show (DON'T start! He's NOT gay!). So we went.. and um.. some parts were good.. tho it was sort of painful in others. I mean, the musical itself is actually more a rock opera and I wish people would treat it as such, meaning just about everything is sung, there's very little dialogue and that's how it should be. Then, there's the movie, which fucks that right up. People are speaking the lines they should be singing and it just deflates the opening sequence completely. And that's just the beginning people.. somewhere in the middle, we just gave up when it turned into a bad rock video. We couldn't excuse that at all.. no, no.. we could not. But the clincher, was about 3/4 of the way thru the movie and I realized while two of the main characters were singing their big moment out in an alley in the middle of New York City in December while it's snowing that the steam from their breath was so regular .. wow.. that's a little stra.. HEEEEEEEEEEY! THAT'S FAKE! Like who creates fake breath?! WTF is THAT? Tho, ok there were some good things about it I really did like, namely the actor who plays Collins is awesome and the new cast member who plays Joanne has an amazing voice.. and..well, Taye Diggs is just fine with three syllables.. mm-mmm-mmmmmm.. oh yeah, and he can sing too.

And besides the movie, there was Brandon, being all frickin cute and cuddling with me in the movies, which hello, is tough to do the way the seats are you know.. and at one point while I was quietly singing cuz yes, I'm a dork and I know the ENTIRE score, he just looked at me in this way that would've made my knees melt had I been standing and told me to sing for him. I sort of put my hand over his face dismissing his thought out of embarrassment for myself and whispered for him to watch the movie. But he kept looking at me intently and told me again he wanted me to sing for him. I told him I would.. just not right then.. silly. And there I was, blushing in the dark. The guy already gives me butterflies, but at that moment, they multiplied exponentially..

So for the weekend, I thought it appropriate to celebrate the Winter Storm of 2005 by heading to yet another movie - more snuggling together while we watch the best inclement weather story, and one of my all-time favorites, Singin' In The Rain at this funky new theatre, Central Cinema on the hill that plays.. well, whatever the hell they want, honestly.. I love it! Yes, another musical and mmmmmm.. Gene Kelly. DON'T laugh! I had a HUUUUUUGE crush on him when I was a kid.. dude, he's hot. Oh, shut up..

Oh.. would you look at the time... lunch was over hours ago is now over so I'm back to work.. Happy Friday y'all! Mwah!

Insights

So I had this conversation with my friend Dave the other night.. that guys have different categories for the women in their lives and I'm not talking about relatives or friends. These are the categories of various levels of lovers.. the women they fuck, the women they date, and the women with whom they fall in love and marry. Yeah.. only three. You know.. more than that would be.. well, too many for them.

Now.. I see your confusion.. cuz that look on your face right now.. yeah.. I had that. My cute little brow was oh so furrowed cuz I just wasn't aware of this grading system. Women are always discussing with each other how we don't understand men and why they do what they do and say what they say.. which, you know, can frustrate us to no end.. but every now and then I'm reminded, usually by a male friend, that really, men aren't that complicated. They don't sit around over-analyzing our actions.. there isn't any reading between the lines since they have trouble reading the lines that exist already. They will call you if they like you and you won't hear from them if they don't. It's that simple. So when Dave told me there was this.. like.. philosophy, so to speak, a plan, if you will.. I was rather floored. No, it's not complicated at all.. but there's a semblance of organization to it, which, yes, ok, I'm going to be completely sexist now and just say it for the sake of this post, I thought was mostly attributed to the female, at least where the opposite sex is concerned. As far as I know, men are just happy when they find a girl who isn't psycho first of all and who's still willing to go out with them, who's decent in bed and thrilled if they can cause her to make a bit of noise in their favor, AND is someone whom they can still safely bring home for their mother's approval.

Ok.. yes, I'm so obviously not the expert on men.. they could possibly be deeper than this.. well, some of them.

See.. I've been in all categories at different times, but currently, my position is among the datable - better than a roll in the hay once a week, but not quite marryable. This is due in part to my own design of being open to dating a few people at the same time and also being told by one of those people that's just how he sees me. Yeah.. he said it.. and yeah.. that didn't not suck for a minute.. maybe a couple of minutes.. but it was honest, even tender, and I would rather know than not. Besides that, tho I'm pretty girly and I've wondered if there's ever going to be a partnership in my life that will span its majority, I still don't look for or expect that out of anyone I date. I don't think marriage is the be all, end all for me tho I don't completely rule it out. This girl has gone a few years having three to four week relationships and I figured, hey, it's probably time to try to break that pattern and that's been the sole purpose of this exercise, which, hello.. I'm actually succeeding at.. so yay! That right there is something I'm proud of - preventing myself from having unrealistic expectations, learning to pace how I care for and get to know someone, practicing patience, and not getting desperately carried away. These are the lessons I need to learn before I see myself in the til-death-do-us-part circle anyway. I mean, I like to plan a little bit ahead, but forever isn't what I'm thinking right now anyway. I'm really enjoying living in the moment.

Since late last week, I've reduced my dating companions down to one person I happen to like a lot, but I didn't stop seeing the others for that reason. I couldn't help but compare and contrast between them and I just found the other situations to be more one-dimensional and based more on the physical aspects than any actual connections I thought we had. Mainly, the connections just weren't developing and I wasn't getting to know them any better so at that point, there's nothing more to do but end it unless a fuck buddy is what I'm looking for.. and tho I'm trying to keep things on a casual level, that's a little too casual for me. Been there, done that. I may think this one is a bit special, but for now, we're both going to allow ourselves to see other people.. not that either of us are, but I understand why he wants to and I'm keeping an open mind.

Really, I'm pretty content with my romantic life, but the conversation with Dave led me to question how one might cross over into the last, and one would think, more favorable, category of really belonging to someone.. forever.. or um.. just a really, really long time. I'm just curious how that works. Is there an obvious way someone moves up in rank? Does a new person have to see you only as marryable and not even consider the other options? Or is there some sort of promotion and review process possible within the other categories once an undetermined amount of time is invested?? I have a few questions.. that's all. Oh, like you don't... pffft.

According to Dave, it's just about whether a guy has realized what you are to him. Um...or not. That's all it is.. So of course Dave and I continued to discuss if waiting around for someone to see if they find that potential in you is not the STUPIDEST thing ever. Um.. yeah, he really seemed to think not, which fully surprised me, but he had a good point and said if you were having a good time with the situation you're in, there shouldn't be a problem cuz you're not really waiting anyway. And I have to admit, looking on my own relationship and the time I'm having which equals good, I couldn't really argue with that logic. But I have another friend who would say what I'm doing is waiting and yes, that's completely idiotic.. even tho he and his girlfriend are the prime, and rare, I might add, example of that exact thing.. waiting, that is. She did the fuck buddy thing with him for a long time.. they moved up to dating, but weren't exclusive and after a pretty long time of doing that, she got tired of it and gave up. Walked away. And, in the classic you-don't-know-what-you-have-til-it's-gone move.. he realized damn, he loved her. Cue the sappy soundtrack.. cuz wow, crazy longshot on her part, but apparently, it does happen. Tho again, this sort of thing = rare.. ok? Got it? Don't try this at home kids.

Now, it's wrapping up time and I hope I've done my part to educate the female gender a bit more about how men operate. Of course, there are no definitive answers.. I, personally, think sometimes, those categories and the minds of those who put us in them are a little.. oh.. mutable maybe.. However, I'm the first one to say to a friend, what the hell?? It's YOU, not him, who decides what you're worth and maybe you should find that person out there who agrees with you.. that's what we all deserve!

*Steps off soapbox*

But, on the other hand, yours truly has always looked for just a smidge of patience within herself, which, accidentally, she may finally have found.. so who says a little bit of that ever hurt anyone? Exactly. That's all I'm saying..

Just say no

Attention can be nice. Compliments are flattering. What woman doesn't want to hear she's a doll... that she's beautiful and attractive? Who wouldn't want to be gazed at adoringly by a man she's just met who seems completely dazzled by her presence and feels extremely lucky he was seated next to her in a mixed birthday group of strangers and friends?

It was all very unexpected in what was mostly a homosexual collection of Loren's work associates and on-the-town boys and girls and therefore, unusual that my gaydar was so far off. I mean, he was wearing a turtleneck for chrissakes. I think that automatically qualified him as not playing for my team. I don't mean ALL circumstances where one, being male, would don the standard cold-weather-neck-covering sweater would, but I mean, really.. there are instances you just.. know.. and clearly, I thought this was one of them.. mistakenly.. especially considering the witty banter initiated, the quick, affectionate put-down comebacks that indicated not only was he a card-carrying member of Gays Of Our Lives, but his best lines were probably picked up from watching too much Will & Grace. I know this cuz that's where my best zingers come from. Where else will you hear 'oh honey, coulda, woulda, Prada..' or 'Love you like a cold sore!' The latter one's my favorite and I used it that night on Loren's boyfriend, Sean, with whom I have a love/hate/hate/hate relationship - as he's coined it. Well, at least we agree on something.. and I savored the small moments after while he held his tongue thinking of something better.. even in knowing my insult was plagiarized.

And then.. somewhere in the conversation, the man next to me must've dropped the fact he was straight three times in a matter of seconds.. and I felt this looming feeling over me - the sense that very soon I'd be barraged by his attempts to hit on me. Silently and without any sudden moves, I tried to see him all brand new like I'd just met him and see if just like.. well, magic I suppose.. it'd work and I would know .. Oh! You're not gay! I don't know what I was thinking! Yeah.. um.. didn't fix anything. Still gay. Hmm..has that ever happened to you? You get a perspective, your first impression.. and it's just not easy to change that once you think you know what to make of them.. right? And their sexual preferences? Right.. you get it.. you're quick like that.

I got away only for a short time while we changed locales and did my best to sit in the middle and near the birthday boy once we reassembled so others might give me a little relief in their company. In that time, I'd also figured out from Loren that it had basically been his oh-so-bright idea to try to set us up once he realized there I was all single.. and there his friend was all single.. so HEY! Why not, you know, set them up TOGETHER?! Yay!! To which I respond:

Me: So.. that's very sweet and all honey if not for the fact that oh.. he's GAY! Wondered if maybe you noticed.. No? Didn't pick up on that?

Loren: No no.. he's not.. he's sooooooooo nice.. really..

Me: Yeah.. he seems that.. but again, oh, I don't know.. STILL GAY! You know.. warn a girl next time will you? Maybe BEFORE she decides someone is or isn't gay based on his sweater choices.. Say something to the effect of.. see that STRAIGHT guy? He's SINGLE.. and NOT gay! Ok? Warning = good!

Loren: *just laughing*

Ugh.. I love Loren for many, many reasons.. but his talent for match-making is not one of them.

So the man sat across from me, next to Loren's boyfriend - who again is not my biggest fan and who so enjoys watching me squirm. It didn't take long for him (the man, not Sean) to get bored talking with the others and focus on me (Sean would do just the opposite actually), which I thought might happen, but still hoped for some sort of deus ex machina to save me anyway. And at that point he pretty much announced to the table when he asked me to come sit next to him - beginning the Suffocation Period - that he was going to hit on me. Yup.. told me just like that.. but hey, he asked if it was ok. Oh, well in THAT case... and then Sean just offers up his seat and tells me to come on over.. um... thanks, yeah.. thanks SO much for making it easy on me.. It's a wonder I haven't perfected the squinty-eyed-head-blowing-up stare yet... damn.

Actually I have to give the guy credit for being so direct. For a girl who really tries to live that way, a lot of the time I'm not as direct as I'd like..and even more so, passive-aggressive at times.. Plus it's tough for a guy to always be the pursuer and I feel for them.. sometimes.. He's a very nice guy tho, I have no doubt, yet his approach quickly became unwelcome cuz it stopped being fun and friendly and was more clingy and obsessive. I was completely on the defensive not long after I was goaded to sit next to him. I was just some cute little carrot he was chasing. The more I denied him, the more intent he became.. and hi.. tho that's always the game they tell you to play, girl, I wasn't playing it.. and it sort of freaked me out a little.

I noticed after a while I was literally leaning back into the left arm of my chair to counter his leaning out towards me from the other side and he was pretty much trying to convince me to go out with him. Ok.. that's your first sign of 'no'.. don't you think? And at first I said sure, sounds like fun. I thought you know, it couldn't hurt to go out with him once.. who knows.. but I let him know I was currently seeing a couple of other people and this is the way it was going to be for a while. His reaction was less than amused but he thought about it for a second. Then he was dismissive and wished me luck...kinda sarcastically too, which didn't win him any points. But I thought ok.. cool. He wants one thing, I'm doing another and this won't work for him. Fine. Case closed.. that's that. Phew!

We began to join other conversations but just after a few minutes, he thought he'd try another tactic..

Him: So you're just done now.. ?

Me: Um.. huh? *looking very confused*

Him: You're done with me now. You've moved on.

Me: Oh.. um.. no... but um.. I thought the going out thing was sort of settled.. right? You don't want to go out with me if I'm seeing other people, which I am. So.. did I miss something?

Him: What about a third? You can date a third guy, can't you? I mean, I'm going to steal you away anyway.. so..

Me: Oh, well, yes, a third person is fine - not sure how much more time I have, but I like the two I'm seeing currently.. so neither will be ending anytime soon that I know of.. Just don't see the stealing happening.. sorry. Besides, you just said..

Him: Yeah, I know.. I'm fine with it.. but I'll steal you away. No I will.. trust me. I'm a great catch.

Me: *laughing* I'm sure you are.. but your first reaction was that this wouldn't work for you.. so be honest with yourself.. really. You aren't going to be ok with it so why bother?

Him: Well I think I've met my soul mate.

Me: Really? You think so? *smiling AND getting a bit freaked out now - soul mate?? wtf?!*

Him: Yup.. Seriously, c'mon.. give me your number and we'll go out. Dinner, drinks and the Nutcracker.. sound good?

Me: *thinking.. ohMYGod.. REALLY gay now!* Hmm.. You know.. no. I'm not going to.

Him: What? Why not?

Me: You've already said you aren't ok with me seeing other people and we haven't even gone out yet. I can't tolerate seeing someone who gets jealous. I won't do that. So you're going on your trip Monday (he brought that up previously).. when you get back, if you're still certain you want to do this, give Loren a ring and he'll have permission to give you my number.

Him: *really shocked now* No! That's crazy! I'm absolutely not going to go thru other people to get your number. Just give it to me.

Me: Nope..

Him: Why?! C'mon.. I really like you.

Me: Ok.. now I've told you why.. please listen.. I said no and I think that's enough.. you think about it and then Loren here will be happy to oblige, but I think you'll agree when you're back, you'll be fine without it. Ok?

This is of course summarized for effect but it's pretty close to how it happened over the course of dinner and then leaving the restaurant where he continued to whine (no really.. he whined! - a grown man of 37!) and pretty much did everything but stomp his feet in protest on the sidewalk in front of those of us who were left. It's too bad, but once I started to feel suffocated, it was too late to save himself. At that point, all I wanted to do was wash off the virtual cling, shivering in relief with every single step that took me further away from that I-can't-breathe feeling. Bleh!

As we were walking away, I smacked Loren in the arm..

Me: Thanks a lot! You created a monster!

Loren: *giggling like a girl* Ok ok.. I won't try that again, I promise!

Well, at least Loren was entertained. It was his birthday. Man, the things I won't do for a friend..

Processing

Saturday night, smiling big and flying high on a cloud of baby-girl-pink sort of happy due to much birthday celebration and oh maybe just a little wine (2 bottles) and maybe a ginger mojito and a chocolate cake shot thrown in (I'm a lightweight people - that's a lot for me), I ended up at a little house party for an acquaintance who's birthday was also just after mine. I didn't know anyone but the two friends who accompanied me and with more wine in hand I scanned the room for familiar faces while getting down with my bad self on the dance/dining room floor. And there, near the dj table, a man I'd glanced at about 30 minutes prior just casually, finally nodded to me as if to say, 'Yes, we already locked eyes for a second but you didn't even recognize it's me and we've only known each other for like, oh 3 years. Duh.' Ok, I added the 'duh' cuz that's how I felt for not even distinguishing this man from a stranger especially since the history, not to mention chemistry, we had (have) has been (and still is, to be perfectly honest) pretty hot, which is probably why we've had more of a fuck-buddy type past, but it's never prevented us from just genuinely liking each other and being friends.

So there was that. Mind = racing due to .. 'thoughts'.. um.. I probably shouldn't have been thinking considering one of my 'friends' was really my date and I need another person to occupy my time like I needed more liquor. Girl is getting plenty of attention. Really. NOT that I'm complaining. No no no.. don't get me wrong.. but shockingly, tho I'm not in the least bit unsatisfied, there remains a lot of sex on the brain for some reason. I feel that even with riding high a top (all puns intended) my woman's prime that my imagination and dreamy subconscience are those of a pubescent 13-year-old boy. Not sure if that's what's supposed to be happening... but hey, whatever keeps a girl young..

Then, right in the midst of my friendly and slightly sexy reunion, it turned into some unwelcome 'It's Your Life' moment and standing against a wall in mid-conversation was someone I wasn't as eager to run into so unexpectedly and most certainly, someone I didn't want to see. Like, at all. Don't be disappointed after such build up when I tell you it was just an ex-boyfriend AND that when it ended almost 2 years ago now, that I'm the one who cut the cord cuz I just wasn't feeling it. But guess who was completely crushed and guilt-ridden and really, really heartbroken by his absence for oh, three months.. Yup. Me. I know.. sounds stupid.. but we were close and had built up what I thought was a decent friendship for a while before we started dating. I adored him and thought we could work romantically, but honestly, and it really did come as a surprise to me, I couldn't maintain those feelings. What can you do tho? You just can't force those things. It wasn't fair to anyone.

We tried to be friends.. something I truly believe in always attempting unless there are circumstances for which I can't get past and forgive. From talking to my friends, I'm also one of the only people they know who is willing to put out this effort, but tho it's usually difficult for someone, I think it can only be viewed as something positive... eventually. And, in this situation, it was much easier for me, obviously. Pretty quickly I caught him lashing out at me in a very cruel and passive-aggressive way. I felt insulted and worse than that, dismissed. I think people are entitled to be angry when they're on the crappy end of a break up, but I asked him directly - many times - if he needed some space and time to heal and we could try again in a couple of months. But he insisted he was fine, no worries, all was ok. But it wasn't ok and after enough times of complete flaking and direct mud-slinging on his part, yeah.. I'd had enough. He came back a couple of months later asking if we could try being friends again, but simply didn't want to discuss anything that had gone on in the past and in order for me to feel better about it I had to talk it out. I didn't think it was a lot to ask, but he refused so hey.. really, thanks for trying there.. like SO much.. yeah.. putting out ALL that EFFORT..

And we disintigrated completely right there and we haven't spoken since.

Out of the blue last week he sent a request to add him to my group of friends on myspace.com (and no, I'm not going to link to it cuz the site bugs). Not even a message attached. Hellooo.. I may be very stupid sometimes, but honey, this girl has a fabulous memory and no penchant for adding people all willy nilly.. I fired off a one word question back without even so much as a blink, 'Why?' He sent back apologies and a long spiel about what he'd been up to, asked how I was, etc., but I was stuck on the apology part cuz at this point.. sigh.. I don't know if I care and once you reach a certain point where people aren't even a speck on your radar anymore, what is the purpose of bringing them back from the dead? When, completely unaware, we'd been occupying the same room in the same house for 45 minutes and upon recognition it catches me way off-fucking-guard... really, why would I pursue that relationship in any way? I'm a compassionate girl, a big-hearted and loving girl, but as I get older, I find I'm less tolerant of the cruel things people will do and say out of anger and it's not my job to always be the bigger person. No I don't see 'bigger person' tattooed to my little forehead people.. I would like someone else to do that before they say and do things they eventually regret. Yes, that's what I would like. I don't usually dismiss people without a good reason and I'm all for the big talk of let's move forward and positive actions blah blah blah.. but my gut clearly said, nope this wasn't a good thing and when your gut talks, you should listen..

We left on the advice of the talking gut and I shook it off like a bad dream of creepy crawly spiders and ants all over me.. bleh! I know it's not the same thing, but ew.. Conflict! Confrontation! Did NOT want to deal. Besides that, I know the one creating all that would be me. Why can't I simply just let it go?? He seemed happy and fine and smiley and oh YAY for him. Me.. yeah, not so much. Just needed to breathe. Air. Good.

I don't like being surprised like that. Usually, yes, surprises are great when they're pink and fuzzy and wrapped with bows and in tiny little bags with printed tissue and funny cards and such.. but catch-your-breath-this-room-couldn't-be-smaller-
I-couldn't-leave-any-quicker sort of surprises don't come with cards and yeah.. no. I don't like.

I know. I'm being ridiculous. You can say it. This isn't the worst thing in the world - absolutely. I don't know why all these complicated feelings sort of attacked me with his mere presence but the best explanation I can muster is there was no closure due to the fact we both just walked away..but the more complete part of that is I haven't yet processed how to do the latter portion of the 'forgive and forget' when someone hurts me deliberately. I can say I've forgiven, and truly, I feel I have.. but if I can't forget, do I really, in fact then, forgive at all? Chew on that, will you? Get back to me when you have a good answer.

Others would say, hey, this is karma. I hurt him first and broke his heart - and a week after that bit of awful, he lets me know that he realized he'd fallen in love with me. Yeah. Put that in your pipe baby.. NOW ask me how much worse I felt.. I dare you.. c'mon. So yes, I would also agree with you that possibly this is the proper punishment - maybe - if I hadn't tried with every nerve in my being to treat him as I had wished others had treated me when they felt the need to sever a close relationship.. and there was class and honesty and care taken. People.. there was care! And you know what? I was STILL the bad guy.

This weekend was a good reminder of many things. First and foremost - this town is too fucking small sometimes. To end up at a party with someone you're currently dating, someone else you.. well.. didn't date.. exactly.. as well as someone you loved dearly.. at the house of an acquaintance! I mean, what sort of punishment is that? Throw in the boy who spread rumors about me being a prude cuz HE didn't hold my hand at the movies in the 8th grade and maybe the girl in high school who threatened to beat me up once.. and I'd practically have myself a Sartre play or at the very least, a decent joke.. OR I could view Saturday as another confirmation that every year I'm stronger, more complete, hell.. happier even and with all I take in and come to realize, yes, I still have a long way to go. And I'm not discouraged.. it's challenging actually.. and that I like.

It was great to have an entire week dedicated to just being the birthday girl.. but it's time to get back to reality and back to being the work in progress that I really am. Maybe I'll put on a tiara for extra effect.

My favorite day ever

Please note your calendars cuz today is November 2nd and therefore, my birthday. Did you get that? Miracle Ear turned on? Cuz birthday = Mine! It's also the Day of the Dead in Mexico for all you fact finders out there. I don't know what significance that holds.. I just know that Mexico and I share this very same day as something to celebrate wildly and since I'm some sort of a Spanish mutt anyway, I raise my virtual glass in honor of us all with my dearest and most affectionate camaraderie.

Oh AND it's also rapper, Nelly's, birthday too. Like you could forget.. So um.. Go, go, go, go shawty, it's your birthday.. I'm not sure where I'm telling him to go.. maybe since he's like a kazillionaire.. um somewhere he can get me gifts! And Nelly, in case you're reading this and looking for ideas regarding that get-me-a-gift thing, I will now blatantly steal lines from my favorite blogger Miss Doxie to help you, "..my favorite color is 'large diamonds' and my birth stone is 'money.'"

Anyway, back to ME... and this is where I officially welcome you to my birthday! Scorpio-dom in all its glory! 34 years to the day I was brought into the world and smacked on the ass for the very first time (tho certainly not the last..). And I reserve the right to be as attention-whorish as I want since it's my day. And tho they still haven't begun a parade in my name (I'm on a waiting list to speak to the mayor about this gross oversight), in lieu of that, my personal celebration gets a little bit longer every year and is currently lasting well into a week's time or however long I deem it appropriate. So there! Pffft! Stop shushing me!

There are events planned.. don't think that there aren't. Sexy tiaras, sexier people, sexy wine and God knows some sexy desserts. This is my birthday people. Chocolate - and lots of it - will be directly involved. Oh and my favorite sexy bartender I adore - Leilani - from Black Bottle, my new favorite spot in the city. She makes a great ginger mojito and every male friend I've taken there wants to date her (or some other 4 letter word..), but she's better than that. Come to think of it.. I probably am too, but they're still my friends so I have to put up with them.

And then there's the just slightly serious moment where I wonder a little if my birth mother remembers me as I do her. And I send her a little silent thank you and hope she's well with her family and friends and happy in the choice that she gave me a life she may have not been able to provide me 34 years ago - even tho I do think I'm a baby of scandal and affairs.. but this is my Lifetime television event to twist into a tearjerker if I want. So grab a tissue and send over a nice bottle of something, won't you? Think of the children! Seriously, if you want to.. I do sorta have a tiny little thing of a wishlist on Amazon.. oh.. like here if you're so inclined.. you know, to browse.. or.. something. I do like my music and currently slobbering over the new Fiona, Brandi Carlile, Beck and dying, I tell you DYING, for both of The Shins cuz apparently I'm the last one to realize how great they are and yours truly does not have the budget.. no she does not.. and has to wait once a year for the required birthday money in order to splurge on her listening pleasure. Aren't you just so sad for me right now? But no, no please.. don't cry for me Argentina.. really, it's ok. I'll be.. fine.

Wow.. milking it, I'd say.. Sally Struthers should be doing the voice over for this..

So.. needless to say, my favorite day has arrived, I'm a little ball of energy and smiles cuz this day never sucks - and I'm grateful for that. I know it's already slated for everyone to be grateful in a few weeks, but I do take stock on my birthday as well. I have the love of friends and family, I haven't yet gone insane or have any mental defects that aren't completely tolerable, I get a few kisses here and there, and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and maintain a positive outlook (not that I don't have my bitchy days.. I mean, we all do..). Color me appreciative of that AND the fact that I'm only 1, that's O.N.E. year away from oh.. 35 (!!!), but I still get taken for about 10 years younger.. so yeah, ew.. 40.. God.. that's getting close, isn't it? Ugh.. ok, I'm going to freak the fuck out here in a second.. so back to Yay! Yay! It's my birthday! Yay! And we'll leave it at that. Whoo hoo!

Perfectly Imperfect

One of the most beautiful things about being human is that none of us can claim with actual certainty that we are perfect. There are those who strive to live up to some sense of perfection that they think could be obtainable.. and there are those who are misguided and really think they're beyond working at it cuz they're already there, but most of us realize that sort of goal is unrealistic and trying to get there simply results in a vast amount of disappointment.. so we sort of just skip all that overachieving.. I mean.. God.. isn't that exhausting?

So here I am, Miss D herself, not far from my 34th birthday and I'm not perfect. However, I can feel a new sense of realization - it's like a learning I can feel moment by moment... a sort of Alice-thru-the-looking-glass-warpy feeling or even the clichéd lightbulb turning on (however dim), but it's happening and it's .. well, not easy, but it's definitely acknowledged as a good thing. I mean, who are we if we don't assume that there is still much more to learn, much more to grow from in life than we already know so that we may actually become better people? We're stupid to be so arrogant - and by we, I mean the general public, which by the way, isn't anyone I know since all my friends realize we're proud to be The Mistake Makers and revel in what we learn from the many we make.. and by revel I mean, you know... getting ragingly drunk and crying our eyes out.. but same diff..

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.. back to saying that we can't be so arrogant to think we have nothing left to learn about ourselves or those around us. And it's so true that the older you get the more you realize how little you do know.. and you shouldn't have said those things to your mother when you were 17 and you shouldn't have called your boss at the cafe a coke addict even if that was actually true cuz he wasn't worth the breath you spent to say it, and you should've said 'I love you' more often, etc., etc. And you just accept your fallibility more readily as you age cuz you know what? It's ok.

Take, for example, what I'm trying to accomplish in my love life.. or rather, what I call my 'love' life when there's no actual love per se really in it.. trying to clumsily learn how to protect myself by keeping everyone a little more at arm's length and continuing to see more than one lucky guy at a time.. (I can hear you commenting out there.. shhh..) My theory is - and stop me if you've already thought of this - that if I can keep myself a bit more at a distance rather than running full speed into something that burns out in a matter of weeks, I'll really get to know who I'm seeing, creating more of a solid base built on friendship and just general 'in like' and 'you make me so happy' feelings and then nothing feels rushed and suddenly, after some undetermined amount of time (and I'm still not sure how to well.. determine that part), that plain old dating evolves into something real that might last a while.. or a lifetime.. who knows.. and tho I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.. it's mostly going rather nicely.

The one side effect of this that, you know, should be obvious, is that I'm not getting very close to anyone. Yes, quite the quandry - keep them at a distance = unclose.. hm.. who'd have thunk? I know, so I'm a little naive, but it's not like I'm not spending time.. I mean.. there's tiiiiiime.. and it's spent.. like.. over tiiiime... so why do I feel I may just shoot myself in the foot here and maintain a distance so well the 'dating' simply boils down to a lot of drinks and dinners out and half-watched movies interrupted by 45, maybe 57, minutes of highly aerobic and horizontal physical activity??? I don't know.. it's just a feeling.. But the point is these relationships aren't ideal.. well, not my ideal or what I'm used to, but it changes my perspective and sometimes you have to shake things up in your world like it's one of those snow globes.. and everything settles around you differently and maybe in that you find the answer to whatever it is you've been wondering for so long...um.. whatever that is.. sorta..

Outside the romantic hopes I have my friends, who, in my opinion, should be stability personified.. I should never doubt them in any regard or question why I've put them in the category of 'friends' cuz how I understand it, they accept me and I accept them and that's that. But - and you knew there was a 'but' coming - when you spend some time reflecting on.. oh.. the last year of your life.. and maybe the fact that some serious time was wasted on going around and around with someone that just has no idea or solid definition of what it takes to be a friend, do you let them go or try to help them understand what you need from them? Thank you, but we only have minimal time for all your opinions in this short bit that is my personal prattling on so I'll just tell you what I think.. since you're here for that anyway.. You work at it. This is my one gold nugget of advice everyone should at least try to heed - unless of course you think all your efforts are as worthwhile as banging your head against a wall.. then of course, maybe put on a helmet or stop once you notice the bleeding.. but the idea is that you have faults and they have faults but goddamn there is no 'opt out' box when things get complicated! Why? Say it with me.. cuz that is NOT the definition of a friend... unless you're in Bizarro World, which is where I thought I was recently, but hi.. I wasn't..

And just in case you thought, 'Hey.. this girl has no idea what she's talking about..', which is true most of the time, I'll give you that, but let's just go quickly to www.dictionary.com and I'll show you..

• friend ( P ) Pronunciation Key (frnd)n.
  1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
  2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
  3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
  4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
  5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

Ok.. so the Quaker part was certainly news to me.. but hey isn't that exciting that we could all be Quakers? That's sorta fun, isn't it? Ok.. just saying.. geez..

Ali (see: definition above, #3 to be exact), in his attempt to comfort me on my recent dismissal by someone I considered a good friend, offered this little tidbit, "You can't take stock at the end of every business day and determine who is and isn't your friend because they should be taken as a whole and every once in a while you look on the relationship you have with that person and you say to yourself.. yeah, he's alright."

Well..hmm.. it sounded wise to me at the time.. maybe you had to be there.. but I get it.. pffft..

So, to recap what we've learned in this chapter: Angel is not perfect, we should realize we don't know everything, dating a few people is kinda tricky, not as tricky as say making balloon animals, but hey, it's something new, friends suck if they simply give up on you and therefore aren't friends at all, and Ali is a sweetheart who's advice is probably sorely misquoted.. oh and you too can be a Quaker.

Yes, that's quite a bit to absorb so I should let you get to it. But I leave you with one more little gem of a quote I think is quite sweet:

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect
person perfectly. --Sam Keen

Or as Stuart Smalley used to say, 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!' Don't ever change, baby..

The weekend of Mom

Well, I knew it was coming. It's been quite a while and finally nearing the time a visit to Mom's was going to be required. You people out there may not miss these cute puppy-dog eyes of mine, but my mother sure does. You know how I know? Guilt trips. LOTS of them. Here - let me give you a shining and recent example of my mother's inherent ability to lay the smackdown on her unsuspecting offspring. This was one of our recent phone conversations:

*phone rings on my way to work about 7:45am*

Me: Hello?
Mom: Hey, it's Mom. You up and at 'em?

*Mom always thinks I'm lazy and sleeping in on a regular basis - even on weekdays when I like.. um.. have to work.. like at 8am.. like.. BE there AT 8. I don't get how she still doesn't realize this sometimes.. It was like a Tuesday for chrissakes..*

Me: Yup, as usual..what's up?

*Now..wait for it.. waaaaaaaaiiiit..*

Mom: Oh just thought I'd call my children since they must not love me at all cuz neither of them ever call me..

And BAM! There it is! Just fucking blatant, isn't she? Holds nothing back. And why should she? She is a mother after all... my mother... and she wouldn't be my mother if she didn't know how to unabashedly place a good top-of-the-morning-guilt-trip phone call. Nope. I mean, I didn't even see it coming. Barely had my chai ingested enough to allow the caffeine to hit and wallop! Hits me right over the head as if she was sitting right next to me. The woman has no mercy... but she does have a gift.. what can I say? And it's all mine. Oh yeah.. I know you're jealous.

So I combined my trip to visit college friends in Portland, where I'd see the second production of their fledgling theatre company, Third Rail Repertory, and mixed it with a short but sweet visit with Mom and Gram. Keith, one of my best friends and former roommates in college, came with me to make the trip since our friend Stephanie, who owns Third Rail with her husband, was also one of our friends and roommates back in the heyday of our undergrad theatre training.

He and I piled into the car last Thursday night and took off down the long and dreary path south to Oregon.. seriously.. most boring drive ever.. not just embellishing for, you know, writing style here.. dull dull dull. And, wouldn't you know it.. after the recent month long ebola like illness I've had.. I get yet another fucking cold. No really.. I'm not kidding you. Half way thru the drive I couldn't breathe thru my nose anymore, was popping Alka-Seltzer cold meds when I could, but the plague that wouldn't die was re-setting in and hitting me hard. Thank God we didn't have to drive further than Portland that night. I think I was hallucinating at one point cuz I was so tired.. uh yeah.. good stopping point there.

We stayed at Tim's house, another former college friend of Keith's and someone I slightly knew from back then, but he was a few years older and had graduated before me. He and his wife couldn't have been nicer or more accommodating - even had toast and juice with echinacea for sickly little me in the rather bright morning the next day. We said our thank you's, I dropped Keith off in downtown Portland for an audition he had arranged with Portland Center Stage and said I'd see him later that night for Steph's play. Then I was off to meet Mom in Salem.

Ok.. here is the best part about my mother - despite her brazen guilt trips.. she frickin loves me. To. Pieces. Yes, she does. Hell, they adopted me. They HAD to love me one would think. And I walked into the store where she works, practically falling asleep where I stood in all my not-breathing-and-sniffling grandeur.. and instantly she takes charge and is leading me down the vitamin and cold remedy aisles filling her arms up with what I must have and what she must buy me.. and am I going to stop her? Um.. do I LOOK stupid?! Ok.. don't answer that.. but hi.. no! And she took me out to lunch and we had peppermint tea and went back to her house to visit Gram and they both told me to lie down and rest and they'd wake me up when it was time for us to go and it was so nice and ahh.. that's what I felt right then.. just...ahh..

Now please don't confuse my house with one where sweetness oozes out of the grandma and mother figures, where cookies are made daily and affirmations are read and cheeks pinched.. cuz honey, let's be honest - it' ain't that. Both Mom and Gram are where I get my firecracker sass and sailor-like mouth, not to mention all the guilt-tripping talent one could dream of, but they have their moments where I'm the baby and they take good care of me and when you're an adult and you have roommates and house meetings and friends who can't decide if they want to be your friend anymore and 19 orders to enter at work and boys who want to date you but don't want to get much closer than that and car trouble and heartburn...... home with the family can be really really great.

After a much needed nap, Mom and I head back up to Portland to see Stephanie's production of John Patrick Shanley's, Dirty Story. I knew nothing about this at all other than it was a comedy and thought Mom would enjoy it. We said hello's to Steph and after promising to see her at intermission, made our way to our seats and waited to be awed.

Um.. first let me say.. Mom and I both didn't get the first act.. tho in her defense I caught her falling asleep a few times. But I was completely awake and still .. it wasn't sinking in what the hell was going on. I felt a bit stupid.. but thought, ohmygod.. please let the rest of the play get better.. what to say if it didn't?! At the beginning of intermission I had an uber quick mini pow wow with Mom where we spoke but barely moved our lips at how she wasn't allowed to say anything negative, we were there to support Stephanie, even if it sucked and she nodded her head in agreement like we were a TEAM I tell you.. then went to visit and talked about anything but the play. But hey, the 2nd act improved drastically and by the end I had this 'ah ha!' moment and figured out it was all political and the people were symbolic of countries and it was about the issues between Israel and Palestine and *yaaaaawwwwwn* I know.. you're getting bored and falling asleep on me right now... but really, it picked up and was very funny and smart tho I wish I could've figured out the symbolism earlier.. and you know.. gotten it in the first act.

Afterwards, we chatted it up with the old college friends I hadn't seen in easily 10+ years, one who said I looked great and I said he did too, even tho I thought to myself.. wow, you've really let yourself go buddy.. and it serves you right for dumping me way back then and using me to cheat on your then girlfriend whom I didn't know about and well, here we are and la di da! Again.. this was ALL in my head.. vivid imagination I have.. um.. yes..*ahem*

AND then it was time to go.. and we had the SLOWEST drive home of my life cuz Mom was driving. I swear time went backwards while in the car and I think I may have gotten younger. But God forbid I drive cuz all it takes is going over 25mph and the woman would white-knuckle it all the way home and make up things like they just passed a law that they'll now be giving out traffic tickets for those who run yellow lights.. Um.. ok Mom.. whatever color the sky is in your world.. She has so used that on me before tho.. I swear.

And that was that! The plague finally left the next day after some rest and breathing normally resumed. After playing with the 2 cats and 3 dogs who live in the house, I decided to forego the rest of the petting zoo on the farm this time, saving it for Thanksgiving. You think I'm lying... come with me sometime and you'll see they could charge some serious cash to play with the llamas, miniature donkeys and goats that they have in the field. The ad could read: 'Useless Animals! Come Pet Them For Only $5! If You Lose A Finger, No Refunds!' But that's another story.. Shunning the tall and short furry things that spit, I left the small town country side to pick up Keith in Portland and head back home to the metropolis of good old Seattle.. and.. somehow I have to tie this up cleverly, but it's late and I can't think of anything.. so um.. hey.. call your mother. She misses you.

Restoration

Ahh.. recovery. It's a great feeling not to be ill anymore. Ok, well, almost not ill. I'm functional and certainly not as sick as I have been the last two weeks. My voice is coming back from the dead, which is such a relief for someone who's a talker and singer in cars and such. Really - losing my voice is equatable to losing a limb. It's that paralyzing for me. Girl needs to express herself audibly and that's just a tad difficult when you sound like a mute. An adorable one, hopefully, but mute nonetheless. I'm sure some people might've actually been grateful for the quiet.

SO.. what has happened with me in the few weeks before the global warming type cold took over and ravaged my unsuspecting self you might ask..? Well.. you might..

Believe it or not, all of 5'3" of yours truly was in a fashion show for starters. These were designs created by my lovely friend Kam who has some strange and quirky ideas, but they were really fun when put together and hey, she asked me to pretend I was a model for an evening. The extroverted attention whore in me could hardly turn her down.

The big night took place at Barca, a Capital Hill bar where our other friend, Wazhma, pulled her popularity strings and secured. Of course, as soon as I arrived, I situated my purse near the back wall where the only crack the size of Texas seemed to be and I watched it fall and take its little tumble turning upside down dropping everything that was important, like uh, helloo.. lip gloss.. into an unretrievable hole. Did I almost completely panic? Uh yeah. Luckily, the owner was there and after quickly surmising said idiotic move by moi, he actually busted a hole in the wall down below and retrieved the things that were actually more important than lip gloss like, oh, my KEYS and my rather spendy little number of a DIGITAL CAMERA.. But lip gloss was really was a slight priority seeing that I was going to be parading around in tights and stuff in front of strangers you know.. geez..

After that bit of distraction, the evening went on rather smoothly. Of course, none of us had ever done any modeling, but we all figured we'd watched America's Next Top Model enough that we probably had it down. Oh yeah.. like it's hard.. But then the 'real' models showed up.. If you think by 'real' models I mean bitches, then yeah, you're on the right track. But being the non-traditional type models we were, we decided to go against type, be ourselves, and just drank ourselves silly - mostly to calm our nerves a little. We got down with our bad selves in our funky designer clothes and our fabulous printed rubber boots (mine were pink polka-dotted) and cheered when we were done - very unlike the other, rather stoic, 'real' models who had very little to express other than their disdain for us, which we thought was rather humorous. But I do have to admit, most of those girls looked good. But, you know if Tyra wants to give me a call.. I might consider it... maybe..I mean, modeling's ok.. I guess.

Two days later, my best friend, Fatima, was married. This was something I was so excited to be involved in as they'd chosen to keep the ceremony very small with only their families present and a few, carefully chosen, good friends. I felt honored she'd asked me to attend. But the day before the wedding, she sort of.. stressed me out. God love Fatima.. and I mean, I love this girl, she's family to me, but she was very concerned about the relationship between her fiance and me... cuz there isn't one.. like, at all. I can count on both hands how many times, and probably close to as many minutes, I've spent in the same room with him in the last year and half they've been together. She once thought I didn't like him, which wasn't the case. We just don't know each other well and have nothing in common other than the fact we both love her to pieces. And after 'hi, how are you?' and 'goodbye'.. um.. I'm stumped on what else to discuss.

So the day before the wedding, she emailed me asking me to make sure there wouldn't be any tension for me regarding the fiance and I'm pretty confused at this point cuz I thought we'd already settled this some time ago. And tho I do want her to be honest with me and I understand this bothered her, it sort of made me a nervous wreck. I mean, I wasn't thinking ANYTHING like that WHATSOEVER and after her call, that's ALL I could think about. So, you can see where this was going..

I was on edge all day of the wedding wondering if I looked alright, if I would say anything wrong, or do anything stupid cuz that's just me. Overthinking = lots of trying too hard not to make a mistake which = making lots and LOTS of mistakes. I didn't get so drunk I made a pass at her husband or dance on the table or anything like that. I just didn't say the things she wanted to hear - even when I said she looked beautiful, cuz truly, she was absolutley stunning, she didn't hear me anyway and that STILL put her off for a good 30 minutes. So whether I said the right thing or not, it wasn't working for me. I just wanted everything to be perfect for her and I already knew she was strained with all the family in town and every other detail she had to deal with, but nothing I could say or do seemed right or calmed her at all. I should've relaxed, I should've taken the chance I wouldn't have been a complete drunken fool and just drank more, but as it was, I tried to keep my flustered self restrained and quiet and kept to my two-drink minimum.

The ceremony was really beautiful. At one point, I could tell they were just SO into each other it almost became uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - love was doing the usual oozing out of their very pores I'm sure, but I almost tapped her on the shoulder to ask, 'uh.. are we intruding?' I thought for sure they were going to grab each other and make out right there - but of course, they didn't. They were very sweet honestly, but when I left, I was a little sad thinking for some reason, her and I had suddenly grown apart. We talked about a week later and cleared the air cuz I knew it wasn't just all in my mind - but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought. Weddings just make people crazy. I'm never doing it.. ok.. well, maybe not never..

With all the lovey dovey thoughts running thru my head, the following weekend my other best friend, Loren, and I headed up to Vancouver, BC. We'd both become fairly sick with the nasty cold I've already discussed, but thought we could spend the time relaxing anywhere - so why stay in Seattle when we could run away for the weekend to Canada? We figured the change was bound to heal us! Well, ok, it didn't - in fact, I was completely worse by Monday morning, but the inbetween was well worth it. We dined, met up with friends, shopped when necessary - all the things you're supposed to do when on a mini vacation. Including spending time with exes. What? You don't see your ex on your vacations? Oh..well, um.. when you've dated all of Seattle and half of BC... you know..

Ali's just a given part of my life. Probably the one person I'll always love no matter what. I can't say for sure why we didn't last other than the distance between here and Vancouver wasn't good for either of us - but we could've been something big for each other. I mean, we were.. but sometimes I wonder why there are these people you never get out of your system, and for whatever reason, love just isn't enough to keep you together. It doesn't help that every time I see him my old crush is renewed and I'm reminded how great we were years ago. BUT, and there's always a 'but', this is how it's supposed to be. Really. We aren't a good match over a long period of time. We even tried again a couple of years after, but I think he only did it to humor me and it quickly burned out. So we figured out how to maintain a close friendship and I tell him he's off limits to the rest of the female population and he feigns jealousy when I'm dating someone new.. Still, it's not a bad thing for my ego, when someone has recently dumped me, to know there's always Ali, who never ceases to be amazed why a guy would be so stupid as to leave me. Call me crazy, but I love that he does that for me. He recognizes the irony in his own statement.. but again, this is how it should be and I kiss him and BC goodbye til next time.

So I had a few challenging adventures before this last week of invalid hell - and tho I've been miserable health-wise and sounded more like a female Tom Waits, my spirits have been up. I have a few new things to wear, a restored ego simply from my choice of company, and I just feel like I can breathe easier. The winter is looking decidely brighter..

Me and Demi Moore's voice.. sorta..

Wow.. seems I've been away - sorry y'all.. life, weekend trips, etc.. and I wish I could say this is going to be a fabulous and detailed entry with plenty of humorous moments to spare, but it's short-lived cuz this girl is SICK! Not sick as in slang for 'cool' like all the kids say these days.. and not sick in an I-like-to-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass icky way.. It's just the usual coughing and sneezing and unable to sleep and oh yeah, throw in sounds like Demi Moore after smoking 23 packs of cigarettes sort of sick. The almost-gone and whisper-by-way-of-forcing-the-sound-out scratch I have left may be a plus when your job consists of lots of phone sex or I don't know.. STALKIING.. however, since I work for a phone company and have to be, you know, ON THE PHONE.. um, ALL THE TIME, it's a TAD bit of an issue.. just a little one. Said missing voice just stays missing when I'm forced to continually overuse (see: not resting) it and every customer can't wait to get off the phone cuz they're suddenly and unexpectedly overwhelmed with the urge to down a big glass of water. Tomorrow's Amber Alert will be notifying America of my missing voice.. carried away by a psychotic cold that even with zinc, Alka Seltzer, and some strange Canadian purple cough syrup I mistakenly purchased in BC that reminds me of childhood and is the SOLE reason I detest Chambord now, could not restrain. No! This cold is tenacious and irritating and like the Republican party, just will not go away. It's kicking my girly little ass, which honestly.. really.. is it difficult? No.. I'm hardly a champion fighter.. more like a back-alley scrapper..I pull hair.. but still - helloooo.. white flag's been waving for close to a week and I just want to feel better and function normally and sing in my car and sound like cute little girl rather than cute little monster..

Grr.. argh.. ack! COUGH HACK COUGH COUGH HAAAAAAAAAAACK.....

*ahem*

So take your vitamins and eat your spinach cuz you don't want this nasty viral thing I have.. and yes, I'm STILL talking about the COLD, people! Don't be dirty!

Wish me lots of get betters and I'll blow you virtual and infected kisses from here!

Dusting off.. again

I'm back to single-dom. Well, I don't think I ever really left, but I did have a semi-lovely three weeks with a handsome, but fucking CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF, Brit. Now, I KNOW what you're thinking... three weeks isn't long but it's enough time for someone to start to get under your skin and the butterflies are going - at least that's what happens when I'm sprung on someone.

So there I was visiting that cute and cuddly world where my hand was held, there were sweet, adoring gazes, long, slow kisses, good conversations and even a couple of misunderstandings thrown in to work thru and balance it all out. It was exciting and magnetic.. but good God, I am DENSE! Sorry - am I stating the obvious? Cuz you already saw this coming, right?? Just take my advice.. when someone says they only broke up with their ex of THREE years, who was also LIVING with them, just a FEW months ago, which actually, more correctly, was barely TWO months ago... run, I say, RUN THE HELL AWAY! Because, hi.. they LIE! Well, they don't mean to lie.. but then they are just unintentional liars and that's just as bad. He was so NOT ready.. no matter what he said otherwise and I KNEW that but chose to defy my own cute little brain where logic really does reside, believe it or not, and I said self - um.. this could be a potentially damaging situation.. hellooooooooo.. but self tuned out the warning. Bad self! Bad! And with all the touching and kissing and lusty feelings rising up from.. well.. *ahem*.. you know where.. distraction ensued.. and Christ.. it's difficult people.. ok?!

So the fool went back to his ex. Cuz she um.. called. And asked. In a nice way. I guess.

He already broke it off once with me after about two weeks saying he wasn't ready, found out his ex was dating and she didn't tell him even tho they had some sort of agreement and that really upset him and he broke down and blah blah BLAH.. Um, hello.. WHO is the girl here in this seeing-each-other relationship thing we had going? Someone PLEASE tell me.. So I said ok, was appropriately disappointed, but it sounded like something he needed to work out. Nothing you can do in those situations but give them time and yes, I was bummed cuz hey, I liked the guy. Sue me.

I checked in later that week and he seemed fine.. sounded like he was dealing with things, but mostly, doing ok and I left it at that. If anything were to come of it, he needed to let me know. It certainly wasn't my place to confuse either of us further and trust me, Miss D = plenty confused already by that point.

So, days pass and wouldn't you know it.. out of the blue, more than a week after his initial decision to break things off, he calls and asks to see me. I go and am not surprised he wants to go back to where we left off, cuz I undeniably ROCK, except that he wants to start like right now.. and expects me to just be ok with everything.. just about oh.. instantly. Like, not even giving me time to digest it all and I was starting to think, hmm.. maybe he likes things on his own terms and that should be a flag of sorts.. like maybe even a red one.. but then that was buried in a hole somewhere in the back of my brain as the kissing again ensued and FUCK I AM DUMB. Still, the confusion was beginning to run rampantly and apparently, I just thought I'd run along side it.. maybe get in a quick jog and start up a friendly conversation.. how's the wife, the kids.. and you know, never even thought to ask why confusion's sole purpose in life was to PLAGUE ME. Nope..

I gave it another shot with my guard back up, so I thought, and we started again in that place where you live blissfully, but tentatively until you can really be vulnerable and certain that what you're offering won't be thrown back in your face.. broken in a few more pieces than you remembered. But I'm not good at the upkeep of the guard. In fact, I think my guard is defective and in need of replacement. I think my guard came from Ikea where things look like a really great idea but when you get it home, there are not enough pieces or directions and the directions that are there are in Swedish - so you know, that's sort of a problem and you put it together anyway with what you have and it looks nothing like the picture and is sort of.. bent. I think my guard is like that. And I only get tea lights from Ikea.. just saying..

So I tried.. tried to keep my distance amidst provided affection, pretty words, and time spent enjoying each other's company.. which seemed to conflict with trying to be genuine for me, tho I think they can be mutually exclusive in the name of protecting one's self.. right? But again, I'm just not skilled at the maintenance and construction of said protection and therefore, it's fairly flawed cuz goddamn, I always end up with the fucked up ones the most. Do I think I can fix or help them? Do I see something in them that is familiar and therefore, attractive? Even if that familiarity is what causes the demise of each budding promise of something???

*Sigh* I don't know.. I don't want to fix anyone.. but I think I just don't listen to my gut enough when trying to give people an honest chance because people aren't going to be everything you want. So what if he barely noticed the three times I mentioned my blog and he never once asked a single question about my writing or if he could read it.. So what if he barely asked me any questions about my past or my family and friends.. It was early. He had other great qualities that were more prevalent and there was plenty of time to evaluate if this was a one-sided type of person. But then where do you draw the line? I don't like to give up. I like to try all the options before I say ok.. enough.. this isn't working.. and that's what I was doing cuz I don't want to move to any extreme where I'm excessively bitter and unhappy and no one is good enough. But it'd be nice to recognize the subtle deal breakers that are often just inherent characteristics in a person you'll never change and just won't work with you. You think?

I also don't want to jump on the next train and force myself to date whomever comes along via whatever medium just so I can convince myself there are other possibilities cuz I already know there are. It's just blatant self-pity to think anything else. And I wish I'd put those clues together and seen this coming cuz they were there, but when you're in it, you don't always see what's right in front of you and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I know for a fact I deserve better, this saved me a lot of heartache in the long run, it's for the best, and it really had absolutely nothing to do with me..

But it still stings.

However, I'm an optimist and a hopeless romantic. I'll never not be hopeful. It's just not in my nature. I can tend to feel sorry for myself for a little bit, but I try not to let that go on for too long cuz it's not productive. The past is the past and I have to believe it won't continue to be like this EVERY time (God I hope not anyway.). If some people want to take the easy way out and move backwards to what they're familiar with, fine. I certainly wish them the best of luck trying to find out now what they don't think they've realized about the other in the last THREE YEARS.. um yeah.. oooook.. But it's not my choice to make tho I'd like to think, in the same situation, I would've made the harder choice of moving forward, working thru the yuck, and actually learning something. Hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, if anything at all, but I'm a strong girl, spunky, a hell of a kisser from what I'm told, and a fucking great catch. And, when the right person comes along, if that's all it takes, we'll carve out something new that looks nothing like what was obviously, in retrospect, doomed from the beginning.

I mean really.. as my friend Matt said the other day, there's another bus in five minutes..

What's really important

I started a post yesterday and couldn't finish it - mainly cuz I ran out of time and you know, had life to be living, things to do, etc. - but also, cuz I'm just starting to sound like a big whiner. In light of all that's happened in New Orleans and to everyone who lives there, I have absolutely no right to whine about something trivial like roommates flirting with my exes or those stupid exes flirting back despite me smacking them upside the head and telling them not to OR cute boy dating me and then freaking out and NOT dating me then calling me 9 days later on Monday and telling me he missed me and said freak out was just 'a bad day'.. no no no.. I seriously have no rights at all. I feel so badly that I'm still so fucking broke I can't even donate anything right now to help and must wait til the next pay check, which is really fucking sad since I JUST got paid.. (I know people.. you don't need to tell me..) but temporarily, I'm stopping the whine and posting this very very extensive list supplied by the nice people at CNN if you care to check out where you can donate, search for the missing (which sounds so dreadfully sad), etc.. so please look HERE if you're interested and can afford to help.

And, when you're done with that, you will need a laugh. I know this cuz I've needed many laughs after reading all the news stories so, if I haven't made you a fan of Miss Doxie yet, you are CRAZY.. but that's beside the point and you really should read her last two posts.. you will DIE laughing. No really.. ok.. maybe not die, per se.. but maybe just pee your pants and do that silent laughing thing where you're laughing but obviously.. silently.. cuz she's THAT good. And I'm not kidding.. so go there.. right now.. click on the little link to the right that clearly reads Miss Doxie.. DO IT NOW!

And, just saying, I wish wish wish I could do more, but right now, it's really amazing to know that so many people have offered money, their homes, and their hands to assist all those who need it right now. The whole thing brings me to tears every day.. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this awful disaster.

The learning curve

I'm trying to grow as I get older. And for all you smart alecky first-sentence-jumper-on-ers I don't mean vertically cuz I think I know at 5' 3" I've probably capped out.. so shush! But rather, as a person, I'm trying to improve or eliminate all the shortcomings within myself. As I'm sure most of you know already from your own experiences, that's easier said than done.

As I've mentioned before, I'm one of those very assertive people. Assertiveness can be taken many ways but when it's an integral part of a woman's personality (and I wish I knew how this demon in me came about cuz kids, trust me.. I used to be so shy!) it can, a lot of the time, be incorrectly labeled as bitchy, hormonal, hysterical, irrational.. to name a few derogatory adjectives - take your pick. An assertive man is confident, powerful, and direct, but God forbid a woman knows what she wants and how to get it, and whether or not someone wants to give what is requested, she can find a way to make them. This, of course, is a subject for another time, and I'm not so much digressing but acknowledging that tho this perception is discouragingly flawed, I recognize that even I'd like to find that fine line of getting what I want without damaging myself and/or pissing people off in the process.

For example, the new property management company does NOT want to talk to me. I'm probably the most assertive one, but apparently, also the scariest one. Yes, tho little, I am fierce. Stop laughing. And tho the wife of the owner is a complete LUNATIC and talks to everyone like they are her abused children, I haven't talked to her or any of her people since she and I got into a large battle of who could speak over the other better a few weeks ago when we argued about her audacity in telling Holly that she didn't want to be bothered by our calls anymore (Oy! I ran out of breath just typing that incredibly long run-on sentence!). Um.. yeah.. ok.. rude! They still had a few things to address - the bigger ones being a second toilet issue, the keys not working in all the locks, and our oven STILL not working. BUT I could've handled it all better. Yes, I admit, I probably wasn't in the right state of mind to effectively manage staying out of any possible conflict. I just wanted a livable house with no problems and having come out of two other dreadful situations, the exhaustion and stress from moving clearly lessened my ability to be flexible, compassionate, and you know.. nice.

Looking back on that, I should've listened to Holly when she asked me not to call our crazy landlady cuz tho I wasn't mad - and I really wasn't - I was probably firm enough for her to hear a certain tone in my voice and that just set her off and escalated from there (course it's her fucking fault). You get more flies with honey they say.. but I'd still like to swat that one back to Hell where she came from.. *ahem*

So this is me - a girl who grew up so passive and shy that when boys said hello I'd just put my head down and keep walking til one day I evolved, and I thank the theatre training that brought out the extrovert in me, and crossed over to the extreme other side of unstoppable loudmouth. And with a name like Angel, I'm just a sucker punch waiting to happen people.

This hasn't served me well in my romantic life either cuz along with being assertive comes a lack of patience. I mean, if there was a patience store, I would be there ALL THE TIME. I would. I need instant gratification.. you know, like, instantly. Why should I wait for something or someone when I can simply go get it or him myself? Well, let me tell you from experience kids, it doesn't work that way. To grossly generalize, as opposed to just a regular 'ol sized generalization - men still like to think they're in control and no matter what any book tells you, they like to be the one doing the chasing. Once in a while, a man is flattered I'm pursuing him.. but nothing ever comes of it. Then we're all confused who pays for dinner and who buys the condoms.. no no no.. just leave it to the simple caveman ways and it's MUCH easier. Phew! However, this is really REALLY hard for me cuz .. Hi.. cute guys! And if you knew me.. uh yeah.. boy crazy since I was a wee tot.. like.. teeeeeensy. But when you're a kid, you can let your crush put his arm around you AND your best friend during show and tell. It's sweet.. but once you get to *gasp* your 30's, like me, it's not so easy anymore. There are games to play and days to wait til you call or they call and are you in with their nice friend and what was his stupid name anyway cuz GOD I'M BORED NOW!? Um, yeah.. can we please just cut to the chase - like me or don't already. Ok, well I'm not quite THAT harsh about it.. but I am direct.

At the beginning of the year, my heart finally soared and then was quickly broken cuz I still couldn't see the short-sightedness of rushing full-throttle into something. The impatience kicked in and he and I were on the crazy ride of wow-your-just-so-amazing and pet names and hoards of long distance calls since he was in BC. But he came to his senses sooner than I did and let me go acknowledging the fact we probably weren't right for each other even tho I didn't see it. Stupid, stupid stupid.. and I told myself, THIS time.. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to relax cuz there is absolutely no substitute for really knowing someone. I don't know how other people take the time when there's an attraction that's so strong you have butterflies all day, but people do it. They get married, have lives together.. um.. if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.. yeah.. well, I probably wouldn't be here bitching about the fact I didn't..

Point, point, POINT... Yes! Getting there!

I met someone I like. It's VERY early. But the good thing, after some talking.. we're so much alike it's freaky.. but also, you know, a relief! He's impatient, he gets riled, he rushes into things.. but he thinks, and I have yet to see this for sure, he's slowed down a bit, managed himself so well he's figured out how to practice a bit more patience due to learning from his past mistakes. I know! A REAL adult. I was shocked! But what struck me, out of many things we discussed, was his suggestion of how I could help myself move towards my goals by simply writing down who I wanted to be.

I will be patient.
I will think things thru before enacting upon them.
I will not be argumentative.
I will RELAX!
I will date Jesse Metcalf.. Oops! How'd that get in there?!

Ok ok, so there's probably a few other things (see closer to 15) my friends could add to that, but hey, it's a start. I just thought to myself, you know, what a good idea. I know it's 3rd-grade simple. It's silly even, but sometimes the simplist ideas are the most effective - especially when you know, you're talking about me.. which, if you've been reading this blog, is what I do here.

So that's the goal. I like the guy, who is great so far.. but I'm staying grounded even if I maybe sorta really dig him... just a little.. and I'm consciously - which is just fucking painful - holding my quick tongue and thinking, maybe it's possible I don't have to react to absolutely EVERYTHING that happens around me. I don't need to control it or be the one leading. I'm going to just sit back and let someone else make a few of the moves and oh maybe breathe before responding to a particular situation.. that's always good. I think it's time to learn that sometimes the stronger choice can be doing nothing at all. I'm going to try that.