Well, I knew it was coming. It's been quite a while and finally nearing the time a visit to Mom's was going to be required. You people out there may not miss these cute puppy-dog eyes of mine, but my mother sure does. You know how I know? Guilt trips. LOTS of them. Here - let me give you a shining and recent example of my mother's inherent ability to lay the smackdown on her unsuspecting offspring. This was one of our recent phone conversations:
*phone rings on my way to work about 7:45am*
Me: Hello?
Mom: Hey, it's Mom. You up and at 'em?
*Mom always thinks I'm lazy and sleeping in on a regular basis - even on weekdays when I like.. um.. have to work.. like at 8am.. like.. BE there AT 8. I don't get how she still doesn't realize this sometimes.. It was like a Tuesday for chrissakes..*
Me: Yup, as usual..what's up?
*Now..wait for it.. waaaaaaaaiiiit..*
Mom: Oh just thought I'd call my children since they must not love me at all cuz neither of them ever call me..
And BAM! There it is! Just fucking blatant, isn't she? Holds nothing back. And why should she? She is a mother after all... my mother... and she wouldn't be my mother if she didn't know how to unabashedly place a good top-of-the-morning-guilt-trip phone call. Nope. I mean, I didn't even see it coming. Barely had my chai ingested enough to allow the caffeine to hit and wallop! Hits me right over the head as if she was sitting right next to me. The woman has no mercy... but she does have a gift.. what can I say? And it's all mine. Oh yeah.. I know you're jealous.
So I combined my trip to visit college friends in Portland, where I'd see the second production of their fledgling theatre company, Third Rail Repertory, and mixed it with a short but sweet visit with Mom and Gram. Keith, one of my best friends and former roommates in college, came with me to make the trip since our friend Stephanie, who owns Third Rail with her husband, was also one of our friends and roommates back in the heyday of our undergrad theatre training.
He and I piled into the car last Thursday night and took off down the long and dreary path south to Oregon.. seriously.. most boring drive ever.. not just embellishing for, you know, writing style here.. dull dull dull. And, wouldn't you know it.. after the recent month long ebola like illness I've had.. I get yet another fucking cold. No really.. I'm not kidding you. Half way thru the drive I couldn't breathe thru my nose anymore, was popping Alka-Seltzer cold meds when I could, but the plague that wouldn't die was re-setting in and hitting me hard. Thank God we didn't have to drive further than Portland that night. I think I was hallucinating at one point cuz I was so tired.. uh yeah.. good stopping point there.
We stayed at Tim's house, another former college friend of Keith's and someone I slightly knew from back then, but he was a few years older and had graduated before me. He and his wife couldn't have been nicer or more accommodating - even had toast and juice with echinacea for sickly little me in the rather bright morning the next day. We said our thank you's, I dropped Keith off in downtown Portland for an audition he had arranged with Portland Center Stage and said I'd see him later that night for Steph's play. Then I was off to meet Mom in Salem.
Ok.. here is the best part about my mother - despite her brazen guilt trips.. she frickin loves me. To. Pieces. Yes, she does. Hell, they adopted me. They HAD to love me one would think. And I walked into the store where she works, practically falling asleep where I stood in all my not-breathing-and-sniffling grandeur.. and instantly she takes charge and is leading me down the vitamin and cold remedy aisles filling her arms up with what I must have and what she must buy me.. and am I going to stop her? Um.. do I LOOK stupid?! Ok.. don't answer that.. but hi.. no! And she took me out to lunch and we had peppermint tea and went back to her house to visit Gram and they both told me to lie down and rest and they'd wake me up when it was time for us to go and it was so nice and ahh.. that's what I felt right then.. just...ahh..
Now please don't confuse my house with one where sweetness oozes out of the grandma and mother figures, where cookies are made daily and affirmations are read and cheeks pinched.. cuz honey, let's be honest - it' ain't that. Both Mom and Gram are where I get my firecracker sass and sailor-like mouth, not to mention all the guilt-tripping talent one could dream of, but they have their moments where I'm the baby and they take good care of me and when you're an adult and you have roommates and house meetings and friends who can't decide if they want to be your friend anymore and 19 orders to enter at work and boys who want to date you but don't want to get much closer than that and car trouble and heartburn...... home with the family can be really really great.
After a much needed nap, Mom and I head back up to Portland to see Stephanie's production of John Patrick Shanley's, Dirty Story. I knew nothing about this at all other than it was a comedy and thought Mom would enjoy it. We said hello's to Steph and after promising to see her at intermission, made our way to our seats and waited to be awed.
Um.. first let me say.. Mom and I both didn't get the first act.. tho in her defense I caught her falling asleep a few times. But I was completely awake and still .. it wasn't sinking in what the hell was going on. I felt a bit stupid.. but thought, ohmygod.. please let the rest of the play get better.. what to say if it didn't?! At the beginning of intermission I had an uber quick mini pow wow with Mom where we spoke but barely moved our lips at how she wasn't allowed to say anything negative, we were there to support Stephanie, even if it sucked and she nodded her head in agreement like we were a TEAM I tell you.. then went to visit and talked about anything but the play. But hey, the 2nd act improved drastically and by the end I had this 'ah ha!' moment and figured out it was all political and the people were symbolic of countries and it was about the issues between Israel and Palestine and *yaaaaawwwwwn* I know.. you're getting bored and falling asleep on me right now... but really, it picked up and was very funny and smart tho I wish I could've figured out the symbolism earlier.. and you know.. gotten it in the first act.
Afterwards, we chatted it up with the old college friends I hadn't seen in easily 10+ years, one who said I looked great and I said he did too, even tho I thought to myself.. wow, you've really let yourself go buddy.. and it serves you right for dumping me way back then and using me to cheat on your then girlfriend whom I didn't know about and well, here we are and la di da! Again.. this was ALL in my head.. vivid imagination I have.. um.. yes..*ahem*
AND then it was time to go.. and we had the SLOWEST drive home of my life cuz Mom was driving. I swear time went backwards while in the car and I think I may have gotten younger. But God forbid I drive cuz all it takes is going over 25mph and the woman would white-knuckle it all the way home and make up things like they just passed a law that they'll now be giving out traffic tickets for those who run yellow lights.. Um.. ok Mom.. whatever color the sky is in your world.. She has so used that on me before tho.. I swear.
And that was that! The plague finally left the next day after some rest and breathing normally resumed. After playing with the 2 cats and 3 dogs who live in the house, I decided to forego the rest of the petting zoo on the farm this time, saving it for Thanksgiving. You think I'm lying... come with me sometime and you'll see they could charge some serious cash to play with the llamas, miniature donkeys and goats that they have in the field. The ad could read: 'Useless Animals! Come Pet Them For Only $5! If You Lose A Finger, No Refunds!' But that's another story.. Shunning the tall and short furry things that spit, I left the small town country side to pick up Keith in Portland and head back home to the metropolis of good old Seattle.. and.. somehow I have to tie this up cleverly, but it's late and I can't think of anything.. so um.. hey.. call your mother. She misses you.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Restoration
Ahh.. recovery. It's a great feeling not to be ill anymore. Ok, well, almost not ill. I'm functional and certainly not as sick as I have been the last two weeks. My voice is coming back from the dead, which is such a relief for someone who's a talker and singer in cars and such. Really - losing my voice is equatable to losing a limb. It's that paralyzing for me. Girl needs to express herself audibly and that's just a tad difficult when you sound like a mute. An adorable one, hopefully, but mute nonetheless. I'm sure some people might've actually been grateful for the quiet.
SO.. what has happened with me in the few weeks before the global warming type cold took over and ravaged my unsuspecting self you might ask..? Well.. you might..
Believe it or not, all of 5'3" of yours truly was in a fashion show for starters. These were designs created by my lovely friend Kam who has some strange and quirky ideas, but they were really fun when put together and hey, she asked me to pretend I was a model for an evening. The extroverted attention whore in me could hardly turn her down.
The big night took place at Barca, a Capital Hill bar where our other friend, Wazhma, pulled her popularity strings and secured. Of course, as soon as I arrived, I situated my purse near the back wall where the only crack the size of Texas seemed to be and I watched it fall and take its little tumble turning upside down dropping everything that was important, like uh, helloo.. lip gloss.. into an unretrievable hole. Did I almost completely panic? Uh yeah. Luckily, the owner was there and after quickly surmising said idiotic move by moi, he actually busted a hole in the wall down below and retrieved the things that were actually more important than lip gloss like, oh, my KEYS and my rather spendy little number of a DIGITAL CAMERA.. But lip gloss was really was a slight priority seeing that I was going to be parading around in tights and stuff in front of strangers you know.. geez..
After that bit of distraction, the evening went on rather smoothly. Of course, none of us had ever done any modeling, but we all figured we'd watched America's Next Top Model enough that we probably had it down. Oh yeah.. like it's hard.. But then the 'real' models showed up.. If you think by 'real' models I mean bitches, then yeah, you're on the right track. But being the non-traditional type models we were, we decided to go against type, be ourselves, and
just drank ourselves silly - mostly to calm our nerves a little. We got down with our bad selves in our funky designer clothes and our fabulous printed rubber boots (mine were pink polka-dotted) and cheered when we were done - very unlike the other, rather stoic, 'real' models who had very little to express other than their disdain for us, which we thought was rather humorous. But I do have to admit, most of those girls looked good. But, you know if Tyra wants to give me a call.. I might consider it... maybe..I mean, modeling's ok.. I guess.
Two days later, my best friend, Fatima, was married. This was something I was so excited to be involved in as they'd chosen to keep the ceremony very small with only their families present and a few, carefully chosen, good friends. I felt honored she'd asked me to attend. But the day before the wedding, she sort of.. stressed me out. God love Fatima.. and I mean, I love this girl, she's family to me, but she was very concerned about the relationship between her fiance and me... cuz there isn't one.. like, at all. I can count on both hands how many times, and probably close to as many minutes, I've spent in the same room with him in the last year and half they've been together. She once thought I didn't like him, which wasn't the case. We just don't know each other well and have nothing in common other than the fact we both love her to pieces. And after 'hi, how are you?' and 'goodbye'.. um.. I'm stumped on what else to discuss.
So the day before the wedding, she emailed me asking me to make sure there wouldn't be any tension for me regarding the fiance and I'm pretty confused at this point cuz I thought we'd already settled this some time ago. And tho I do want her to be honest with me and I understand this bothered her, it sort of made me a nervous wreck. I mean, I wasn't thinking ANYTHING like that WHATSOEVER and after her call, that's ALL I could think about. So, you can see where this was going..
I was on edge all day of the wedding wondering if I looked alright, if I would say anything wrong, or do anything stupid cuz that's just me. Overthinking = lots of trying too hard not to make a mistake which = making lots and LOTS of mistakes. I didn't get so drunk I made a pass at her husband or dance on the table or anything like that. I just didn't say the things she wanted to hear - even when I said she looked beautiful, cuz truly, she was absolutley stunning, she didn't hear me anyway and that STILL put her off for a good 30 minutes. So whether I said the right thing or not, it wasn't working for me. I just wanted everything to be perfect for her and I already knew she was strained with all the family in town and every other detail she had to deal with, but nothing I could say or do seemed right or calmed her at all. I should've relaxed, I should've taken the chance I wouldn't have been a complete drunken fool and just drank more, but as it was, I tried to keep my flustered self restrained and quiet and kept to my two-drink minimum.
The ceremony was really beautiful. At one point, I could tell they were just SO into each other it almost became uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - love was doing the usual oozing out of their very pores I'm sure, but I almost tapped her on the shoulder to ask, 'uh.. are we intruding?' I thought for sure they were going to grab each other and make out right there - but of course, they didn't. They were very sweet honestly, but when I left, I was a little sad thinking for some reason, her and I had suddenly grown apart. We talked about a week later and cleared the air cuz I knew it wasn't just all in my mind - but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought. Weddings just make people crazy. I'm never doing it.. ok.. well, maybe not never..
With all the lovey dovey thoughts running thru my head, the following weekend my other best friend, Loren, and I headed up to Vancouver, BC. We'd both become fairly
sick with the nasty cold I've already discussed, but thought we could spend the time relaxing anywhere - so why stay in Seattle when we could run away for the weekend to Canada? We figured the change was bound to heal us! Well, ok, it didn't - in fact, I was completely worse by Monday morning, but the inbetween was well worth it. We dined, met up with friends, shopped when necessary - all the things you're supposed to do when on a mini vacation. Including spending time with exes. What? You don't see your ex on your vacations? Oh..well, um.. when you've dated all of Seattle and half of BC... you know..
Ali's just a given part of my life. Probably the one person I'll always love no matter what. I can't say for sure why we didn't last other than the distance between here and Vancouver wasn't good for either of us - but we could've been something big for each other. I mean, we were.. but sometimes I wonder why there are these people you never get out of your system, and for whatever reason, love just isn't enough to keep you together. It doesn't help that every time I see him my old crush is renewed and I'm reminded how great we were years ago. BUT, and there's always a 'but', this is how it's supposed to be. Really. We aren't a good match over a long period of time. We even tried again a couple of years after, but I think he only did it to humor me and it quickly burned out. So we figured out how to maintain a close friendship and I tell him he's off limits to the rest of the female population and he feigns jealousy when I'm dating someone new.. Still, it's not a bad thing for my ego, when someone has recently dumped me, to know there's always Ali, who never ceases to be amazed why a guy would be so stupid as to leave me. Call me crazy, but I love that he does that for me. He recognizes the irony in his own statement.. but again, this is how it should be and I kiss him and BC goodbye til next time.
So I had a few challenging adventures before this last week of invalid hell - and tho I've been miserable health-wise and sounded more like a female Tom Waits, my spirits have been up. I have a few new things to wear, a restored ego simply from my choice of company, and I just feel like I can breathe easier. The winter is looking decidely brighter..
SO.. what has happened with me in the few weeks before the global warming type cold took over and ravaged my unsuspecting self you might ask..? Well.. you might..
Believe it or not, all of 5'3" of yours truly was in a fashion show for starters. These were designs created by my lovely friend Kam who has some strange and quirky ideas, but they were really fun when put together and hey, she asked me to pretend I was a model for an evening. The extroverted attention whore in me could hardly turn her down.The big night took place at Barca, a Capital Hill bar where our other friend, Wazhma, pulled her popularity strings and secured. Of course, as soon as I arrived, I situated my purse near the back wall where the only crack the size of Texas seemed to be and I watched it fall and take its little tumble turning upside down dropping everything that was important, like uh, helloo.. lip gloss.. into an unretrievable hole. Did I almost completely panic? Uh yeah. Luckily, the owner was there and after quickly surmising said idiotic move by moi, he actually busted a hole in the wall down below and retrieved the things that were actually more important than lip gloss like, oh, my KEYS and my rather spendy little number of a DIGITAL CAMERA.. But lip gloss was really was a slight priority seeing that I was going to be parading around in tights and stuff in front of strangers you know.. geez..
After that bit of distraction, the evening went on rather smoothly. Of course, none of us had ever done any modeling, but we all figured we'd watched America's Next Top Model enough that we probably had it down. Oh yeah.. like it's hard.. But then the 'real' models showed up.. If you think by 'real' models I mean bitches, then yeah, you're on the right track. But being the non-traditional type models we were, we decided to go against type, be ourselves, and
just drank ourselves silly - mostly to calm our nerves a little. We got down with our bad selves in our funky designer clothes and our fabulous printed rubber boots (mine were pink polka-dotted) and cheered when we were done - very unlike the other, rather stoic, 'real' models who had very little to express other than their disdain for us, which we thought was rather humorous. But I do have to admit, most of those girls looked good. But, you know if Tyra wants to give me a call.. I might consider it... maybe..I mean, modeling's ok.. I guess.Two days later, my best friend, Fatima, was married. This was something I was so excited to be involved in as they'd chosen to keep the ceremony very small with only their families present and a few, carefully chosen, good friends. I felt honored she'd asked me to attend. But the day before the wedding, she sort of.. stressed me out. God love Fatima.. and I mean, I love this girl, she's family to me, but she was very concerned about the relationship between her fiance and me... cuz there isn't one.. like, at all. I can count on both hands how many times, and probably close to as many minutes, I've spent in the same room with him in the last year and half they've been together. She once thought I didn't like him, which wasn't the case. We just don't know each other well and have nothing in common other than the fact we both love her to pieces. And after 'hi, how are you?' and 'goodbye'.. um.. I'm stumped on what else to discuss.
So the day before the wedding, she emailed me asking me to make sure there wouldn't be any tension for me regarding the fiance and I'm pretty confused at this point cuz I thought we'd already settled this some time ago. And tho I do want her to be honest with me and I understand this bothered her, it sort of made me a nervous wreck. I mean, I wasn't thinking ANYTHING like that WHATSOEVER and after her call, that's ALL I could think about. So, you can see where this was going..
I was on edge all day of the wedding wondering if I looked alright, if I would say anything wrong, or do anything stupid cuz that's just me. Overthinking = lots of trying too hard not to make a mistake which = making lots and LOTS of mistakes. I didn't get so drunk I made a pass at her husband or dance on the table or anything like that. I just didn't say the things she wanted to hear - even when I said she looked beautiful, cuz truly, she was absolutley stunning, she didn't hear me anyway and that STILL put her off for a good 30 minutes. So whether I said the right thing or not, it wasn't working for me. I just wanted everything to be perfect for her and I already knew she was strained with all the family in town and every other detail she had to deal with, but nothing I could say or do seemed right or calmed her at all. I should've relaxed, I should've taken the chance I wouldn't have been a complete drunken fool and just drank more, but as it was, I tried to keep my flustered self restrained and quiet and kept to my two-drink minimum.
The ceremony was really beautiful. At one point, I could tell they were just SO into each other it almost became uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - love was doing the usual oozing out of their very pores I'm sure, but I almost tapped her on the shoulder to ask, 'uh.. are we intruding?' I thought for sure they were going to grab each other and make out right there - but of course, they didn't. They were very sweet honestly, but when I left, I was a little sad thinking for some reason, her and I had suddenly grown apart. We talked about a week later and cleared the air cuz I knew it wasn't just all in my mind - but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought. Weddings just make people crazy. I'm never doing it.. ok.. well, maybe not never..
With all the lovey dovey thoughts running thru my head, the following weekend my other best friend, Loren, and I headed up to Vancouver, BC. We'd both become fairly
sick with the nasty cold I've already discussed, but thought we could spend the time relaxing anywhere - so why stay in Seattle when we could run away for the weekend to Canada? We figured the change was bound to heal us! Well, ok, it didn't - in fact, I was completely worse by Monday morning, but the inbetween was well worth it. We dined, met up with friends, shopped when necessary - all the things you're supposed to do when on a mini vacation. Including spending time with exes. What? You don't see your ex on your vacations? Oh..well, um.. when you've dated all of Seattle and half of BC... you know..Ali's just a given part of my life. Probably the one person I'll always love no matter what. I can't say for sure why we didn't last other than the distance between here and Vancouver wasn't good for either of us - but we could've been something big for each other. I mean, we were.. but sometimes I wonder why there are these people you never get out of your system, and for whatever reason, love just isn't enough to keep you together. It doesn't help that every time I see him my old crush is renewed and I'm reminded how great we were years ago. BUT, and there's always a 'but', this is how it's supposed to be. Really. We aren't a good match over a long period of time. We even tried again a couple of years after, but I think he only did it to humor me and it quickly burned out. So we figured out how to maintain a close friendship and I tell him he's off limits to the rest of the female population and he feigns jealousy when I'm dating someone new.. Still, it's not a bad thing for my ego, when someone has recently dumped me, to know there's always Ali, who never ceases to be amazed why a guy would be so stupid as to leave me. Call me crazy, but I love that he does that for me. He recognizes the irony in his own statement.. but again, this is how it should be and I kiss him and BC goodbye til next time.
So I had a few challenging adventures before this last week of invalid hell - and tho I've been miserable health-wise and sounded more like a female Tom Waits, my spirits have been up. I have a few new things to wear, a restored ego simply from my choice of company, and I just feel like I can breathe easier. The winter is looking decidely brighter..
Monday, September 26, 2005
Me and Demi Moore's voice.. sorta..
Wow.. seems I've been away - sorry y'all.. life, weekend trips, etc.. and I wish I could say this is going to be a fabulous and detailed entry with plenty of humorous moments to spare, but it's short-lived cuz this girl is SICK! Not sick as in slang for 'cool' like all the kids say these days.. and not sick in an I-like-to-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass icky way.. It's just the usual coughing and sneezing and unable to sleep and oh yeah, throw in sounds like Demi Moore after smoking 23 packs of cigarettes sort of sick. The almost-gone and whisper-by-way-of-forcing-the-sound-out scratch I have left may be a plus when your job consists of lots of phone sex or I don't know.. STALKIING.. however, since I work for a phone company and have to be, you know, ON THE PHONE.. um, ALL THE TIME, it's a TAD bit of an issue.. just a little one. Said missing voice just stays missing when I'm forced to continually overuse (see: not resting) it and every customer can't wait to get off the phone cuz they're suddenly and unexpectedly overwhelmed with the urge to down a big glass of water. Tomorrow's Amber Alert will be notifying America of my missing voice.. carried away by a psychotic cold that even with zinc, Alka Seltzer, and some strange Canadian purple cough syrup I mistakenly purchased in BC that reminds me of childhood and is the SOLE reason I detest Chambord now, could not restrain. No! This cold is tenacious and irritating and like the Republican party, just will not go away. It's kicking my girly little ass, which honestly.. really.. is it difficult? No.. I'm hardly a champion fighter.. more like a back-alley scrapper..I pull hair.. but still - helloooo.. white flag's been waving for close to a week and I just want to feel better and function normally and sing in my car and sound like cute little girl rather than cute little monster..
Grr.. argh.. ack! COUGH HACK COUGH COUGH HAAAAAAAAAAACK.....
*ahem*
So take your vitamins and eat your spinach cuz you don't want this nasty viral thing I have.. and yes, I'm STILL talking about the COLD, people! Don't be dirty!
Wish me lots of get betters and I'll blow you virtual and infected kisses from here!
Grr.. argh.. ack! COUGH HACK COUGH COUGH HAAAAAAAAAAACK.....
*ahem*
So take your vitamins and eat your spinach cuz you don't want this nasty viral thing I have.. and yes, I'm STILL talking about the COLD, people! Don't be dirty!
Wish me lots of get betters and I'll blow you virtual and infected kisses from here!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Dusting off.. again
I'm back to single-dom. Well, I don't think I ever really left, but I did have a semi-lovely three weeks with a handsome, but fucking CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF, Brit. Now, I KNOW what you're thinking... three weeks isn't long but it's enough time for someone to start to get under your skin and the butterflies are going - at least that's what happens when I'm sprung on someone.
So there I was visiting that cute and cuddly world where my hand was held, there were sweet, adoring gazes, long, slow kisses, good conversations and even a couple of misunderstandings thrown in to work thru and balance it all out. It was exciting and magnetic.. but good God, I am DENSE! Sorry - am I stating the obvious? Cuz you already saw this coming, right?? Just take my advice.. when someone says they only broke up with their ex of THREE years, who was also LIVING with them, just a FEW months ago, which actually, more correctly, was barely TWO months ago... run, I say, RUN THE HELL AWAY! Because, hi.. they LIE! Well, they don't mean to lie.. but then they are just unintentional liars and that's just as bad. He was so NOT ready.. no matter what he said otherwise and I KNEW that but chose to defy my own cute little brain where logic really does reside, believe it or not, and I said self - um.. this could be a potentially damaging situation.. hellooooooooo.. but self tuned out the warning. Bad self! Bad! And with all the touching and kissing and lusty feelings rising up from.. well.. *ahem*.. you know where.. distraction ensued.. and Christ.. it's difficult people.. ok?!
So the fool went back to his ex. Cuz she um.. called. And asked. In a nice way. I guess.
He already broke it off once with me after about two weeks saying he wasn't ready, found out his ex was dating and she didn't tell him even tho they had some sort of agreement and that really upset him and he broke down and blah blah BLAH.. Um, hello.. WHO is the girl here in this seeing-each-other relationship thing we had going? Someone PLEASE tell me.. So I said ok, was appropriately disappointed, but it sounded like something he needed to work out. Nothing you can do in those situations but give them time and yes, I was bummed cuz hey, I liked the guy. Sue me.
I checked in later that week and he seemed fine.. sounded like he was dealing with things, but mostly, doing ok and I left it at that. If anything were to come of it, he needed to let me know. It certainly wasn't my place to confuse either of us further and trust me, Miss D = plenty confused already by that point.
So, days pass and wouldn't you know it.. out of the blue, more than a week after his initial decision to break things off, he calls and asks to see me. I go and am not surprised he wants to go back to where we left off, cuz I undeniably ROCK, except that he wants to start like right now.. and expects me to just be ok with everything.. just about oh.. instantly. Like, not even giving me time to digest it all and I was starting to think, hmm.. maybe he likes things on his own terms and that should be a flag of sorts.. like maybe even a red one.. but then that was buried in a hole somewhere in the back of my brain as the kissing again ensued and FUCK I AM DUMB. Still, the confusion was beginning to run rampantly and apparently, I just thought I'd run along side it.. maybe get in a quick jog and start up a friendly conversation.. how's the wife, the kids.. and you know, never even thought to ask why confusion's sole purpose in life was to PLAGUE ME. Nope..
I gave it another shot with my guard back up, so I thought, and we started again in that place where you live blissfully, but tentatively until you can really be vulnerable and certain that what you're offering won't be thrown back in your face.. broken in a few more pieces than you remembered. But I'm not good at the upkeep of the guard. In fact, I think my guard is defective and in need of replacement. I think my guard came from Ikea where things look like a really great idea but when you get it home, there are not enough pieces or directions and the directions that are there are in Swedish - so you know, that's sort of a problem and you put it together anyway with what you have and it looks nothing like the picture and is sort of.. bent. I think my guard is like that. And I only get tea lights from Ikea.. just saying..
So I tried.. tried to keep my distance amidst provided affection, pretty words, and time spent enjoying each other's company.. which seemed to conflict with trying to be genuine for me, tho I think they can be mutually exclusive in the name of protecting one's self.. right? But again, I'm just not skilled at the maintenance and construction of said protection and therefore, it's fairly flawed cuz goddamn, I always end up with the fucked up ones the most. Do I think I can fix or help them? Do I see something in them that is familiar and therefore, attractive? Even if that familiarity is what causes the demise of each budding promise of something???
*Sigh* I don't know.. I don't want to fix anyone.. but I think I just don't listen to my gut enough when trying to give people an honest chance because people aren't going to be everything you want. So what if he barely noticed the three times I mentioned my blog and he never once asked a single question about my writing or if he could read it.. So what if he barely asked me any questions about my past or my family and friends.. It was early. He had other great qualities that were more prevalent and there was plenty of time to evaluate if this was a one-sided type of person. But then where do you draw the line? I don't like to give up. I like to try all the options before I say ok.. enough.. this isn't working.. and that's what I was doing cuz I don't want to move to any extreme where I'm excessively bitter and unhappy and no one is good enough. But it'd be nice to recognize the subtle deal breakers that are often just inherent characteristics in a person you'll never change and just won't work with you. You think?
I also don't want to jump on the next train and force myself to date whomever comes along via whatever medium just so I can convince myself there are other possibilities cuz I already know there are. It's just blatant self-pity to think anything else. And I wish I'd put those clues together and seen this coming cuz they were there, but when you're in it, you don't always see what's right in front of you and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I know for a fact I deserve better, this saved me a lot of heartache in the long run, it's for the best, and it really had absolutely nothing to do with me..
But it still stings.
However, I'm an optimist and a hopeless romantic. I'll never not be hopeful. It's just not in my nature. I can tend to feel sorry for myself for a little bit, but I try not to let that go on for too long cuz it's not productive. The past is the past and I have to believe it won't continue to be like this EVERY time (God I hope not anyway.). If some people want to take the easy way out and move backwards to what they're familiar with, fine. I certainly wish them the best of luck trying to find out now what they don't think they've realized about the other in the last THREE YEARS.. um yeah.. oooook.. But it's not my choice to make tho I'd like to think, in the same situation, I would've made the harder choice of moving forward, working thru the yuck, and actually learning something. Hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, if anything at all, but I'm a strong girl, spunky, a hell of a kisser from what I'm told, and a fucking great catch. And, when the right person comes along, if that's all it takes, we'll carve out something new that looks nothing like what was obviously, in retrospect, doomed from the beginning.
I mean really.. as my friend Matt said the other day, there's another bus in five minutes..
So there I was visiting that cute and cuddly world where my hand was held, there were sweet, adoring gazes, long, slow kisses, good conversations and even a couple of misunderstandings thrown in to work thru and balance it all out. It was exciting and magnetic.. but good God, I am DENSE! Sorry - am I stating the obvious? Cuz you already saw this coming, right?? Just take my advice.. when someone says they only broke up with their ex of THREE years, who was also LIVING with them, just a FEW months ago, which actually, more correctly, was barely TWO months ago... run, I say, RUN THE HELL AWAY! Because, hi.. they LIE! Well, they don't mean to lie.. but then they are just unintentional liars and that's just as bad. He was so NOT ready.. no matter what he said otherwise and I KNEW that but chose to defy my own cute little brain where logic really does reside, believe it or not, and I said self - um.. this could be a potentially damaging situation.. hellooooooooo.. but self tuned out the warning. Bad self! Bad! And with all the touching and kissing and lusty feelings rising up from.. well.. *ahem*.. you know where.. distraction ensued.. and Christ.. it's difficult people.. ok?!
So the fool went back to his ex. Cuz she um.. called. And asked. In a nice way. I guess.
He already broke it off once with me after about two weeks saying he wasn't ready, found out his ex was dating and she didn't tell him even tho they had some sort of agreement and that really upset him and he broke down and blah blah BLAH.. Um, hello.. WHO is the girl here in this seeing-each-other relationship thing we had going? Someone PLEASE tell me.. So I said ok, was appropriately disappointed, but it sounded like something he needed to work out. Nothing you can do in those situations but give them time and yes, I was bummed cuz hey, I liked the guy. Sue me.
I checked in later that week and he seemed fine.. sounded like he was dealing with things, but mostly, doing ok and I left it at that. If anything were to come of it, he needed to let me know. It certainly wasn't my place to confuse either of us further and trust me, Miss D = plenty confused already by that point.
So, days pass and wouldn't you know it.. out of the blue, more than a week after his initial decision to break things off, he calls and asks to see me. I go and am not surprised he wants to go back to where we left off, cuz I undeniably ROCK, except that he wants to start like right now.. and expects me to just be ok with everything.. just about oh.. instantly. Like, not even giving me time to digest it all and I was starting to think, hmm.. maybe he likes things on his own terms and that should be a flag of sorts.. like maybe even a red one.. but then that was buried in a hole somewhere in the back of my brain as the kissing again ensued and FUCK I AM DUMB. Still, the confusion was beginning to run rampantly and apparently, I just thought I'd run along side it.. maybe get in a quick jog and start up a friendly conversation.. how's the wife, the kids.. and you know, never even thought to ask why confusion's sole purpose in life was to PLAGUE ME. Nope..
I gave it another shot with my guard back up, so I thought, and we started again in that place where you live blissfully, but tentatively until you can really be vulnerable and certain that what you're offering won't be thrown back in your face.. broken in a few more pieces than you remembered. But I'm not good at the upkeep of the guard. In fact, I think my guard is defective and in need of replacement. I think my guard came from Ikea where things look like a really great idea but when you get it home, there are not enough pieces or directions and the directions that are there are in Swedish - so you know, that's sort of a problem and you put it together anyway with what you have and it looks nothing like the picture and is sort of.. bent. I think my guard is like that. And I only get tea lights from Ikea.. just saying..
So I tried.. tried to keep my distance amidst provided affection, pretty words, and time spent enjoying each other's company.. which seemed to conflict with trying to be genuine for me, tho I think they can be mutually exclusive in the name of protecting one's self.. right? But again, I'm just not skilled at the maintenance and construction of said protection and therefore, it's fairly flawed cuz goddamn, I always end up with the fucked up ones the most. Do I think I can fix or help them? Do I see something in them that is familiar and therefore, attractive? Even if that familiarity is what causes the demise of each budding promise of something???
*Sigh* I don't know.. I don't want to fix anyone.. but I think I just don't listen to my gut enough when trying to give people an honest chance because people aren't going to be everything you want. So what if he barely noticed the three times I mentioned my blog and he never once asked a single question about my writing or if he could read it.. So what if he barely asked me any questions about my past or my family and friends.. It was early. He had other great qualities that were more prevalent and there was plenty of time to evaluate if this was a one-sided type of person. But then where do you draw the line? I don't like to give up. I like to try all the options before I say ok.. enough.. this isn't working.. and that's what I was doing cuz I don't want to move to any extreme where I'm excessively bitter and unhappy and no one is good enough. But it'd be nice to recognize the subtle deal breakers that are often just inherent characteristics in a person you'll never change and just won't work with you. You think?
I also don't want to jump on the next train and force myself to date whomever comes along via whatever medium just so I can convince myself there are other possibilities cuz I already know there are. It's just blatant self-pity to think anything else. And I wish I'd put those clues together and seen this coming cuz they were there, but when you're in it, you don't always see what's right in front of you and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I know for a fact I deserve better, this saved me a lot of heartache in the long run, it's for the best, and it really had absolutely nothing to do with me..
But it still stings.
However, I'm an optimist and a hopeless romantic. I'll never not be hopeful. It's just not in my nature. I can tend to feel sorry for myself for a little bit, but I try not to let that go on for too long cuz it's not productive. The past is the past and I have to believe it won't continue to be like this EVERY time (God I hope not anyway.). If some people want to take the easy way out and move backwards to what they're familiar with, fine. I certainly wish them the best of luck trying to find out now what they don't think they've realized about the other in the last THREE YEARS.. um yeah.. oooook.. But it's not my choice to make tho I'd like to think, in the same situation, I would've made the harder choice of moving forward, working thru the yuck, and actually learning something. Hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, if anything at all, but I'm a strong girl, spunky, a hell of a kisser from what I'm told, and a fucking great catch. And, when the right person comes along, if that's all it takes, we'll carve out something new that looks nothing like what was obviously, in retrospect, doomed from the beginning.
I mean really.. as my friend Matt said the other day, there's another bus in five minutes..
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
What's really important
I started a post yesterday and couldn't finish it - mainly cuz I ran out of time and you know, had life to be living, things to do, etc. - but also, cuz I'm just starting to sound like a big whiner. In light of all that's happened in New Orleans and to everyone who lives there, I have absolutely no right to whine about something trivial like roommates flirting with my exes or those stupid exes flirting back despite me smacking them upside the head and telling them not to OR cute boy dating me and then freaking out and NOT dating me then calling me 9 days later on Monday and telling me he missed me and said freak out was just 'a bad day'.. no no no.. I seriously have no rights at all. I feel so badly that I'm still so fucking broke I can't even donate anything right now to help and must wait til the next pay check, which is really fucking sad since I JUST got paid.. (I know people.. you don't need to tell me..) but temporarily, I'm stopping the whine and posting this very very extensive list supplied by the nice people at CNN if you care to check out where you can donate, search for the missing (which sounds so dreadfully sad), etc.. so please look HERE if you're interested and can afford to help.
And, when you're done with that, you will need a laugh. I know this cuz I've needed many laughs after reading all the news stories so, if I haven't made you a fan of Miss Doxie yet, you are CRAZY.. but that's beside the point and you really should read her last two posts.. you will DIE laughing. No really.. ok.. maybe not die, per se.. but maybe just pee your pants and do that silent laughing thing where you're laughing but obviously.. silently.. cuz she's THAT good. And I'm not kidding.. so go there.. right now.. click on the little link to the right that clearly reads Miss Doxie.. DO IT NOW!
And, just saying, I wish wish wish I could do more, but right now, it's really amazing to know that so many people have offered money, their homes, and their hands to assist all those who need it right now. The whole thing brings me to tears every day.. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this awful disaster.
And, when you're done with that, you will need a laugh. I know this cuz I've needed many laughs after reading all the news stories so, if I haven't made you a fan of Miss Doxie yet, you are CRAZY.. but that's beside the point and you really should read her last two posts.. you will DIE laughing. No really.. ok.. maybe not die, per se.. but maybe just pee your pants and do that silent laughing thing where you're laughing but obviously.. silently.. cuz she's THAT good. And I'm not kidding.. so go there.. right now.. click on the little link to the right that clearly reads Miss Doxie.. DO IT NOW!
And, just saying, I wish wish wish I could do more, but right now, it's really amazing to know that so many people have offered money, their homes, and their hands to assist all those who need it right now. The whole thing brings me to tears every day.. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this awful disaster.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
The learning curve
I'm trying to grow as I get older. And for all you smart alecky first-sentence-jumper-on-ers I don't mean vertically cuz I think I know at 5' 3" I've probably capped out.. so shush! But rather, as a person, I'm trying to improve or eliminate all the shortcomings within myself. As I'm sure most of you know already from your own experiences, that's easier said than done.
As I've mentioned before, I'm one of those very assertive people. Assertiveness can be taken many ways but when it's an integral part of a woman's personality (and I wish I knew how this demon in me came about cuz kids, trust me.. I used to be so shy!) it can, a lot of the time, be incorrectly labeled as bitchy, hormonal, hysterical, irrational.. to name a few derogatory adjectives - take your pick. An assertive man is confident, powerful, and direct, but God forbid a woman knows what she wants and how to get it, and whether or not someone wants to give what is requested, she can find a way to make them. This, of course, is a subject for another time, and I'm not so much digressing but acknowledging that tho this perception is discouragingly flawed, I recognize that even I'd like to find that fine line of getting what I want without damaging myself and/or pissing people off in the process.
For example, the new property management company does NOT want to talk to me. I'm probably the most assertive one, but apparently, also the scariest one. Yes, tho little, I am fierce. Stop laughing. And tho the wife of the owner is a complete LUNATIC and talks to everyone like they are her abused children, I haven't talked to her or any of her people since she and I got into a large battle of who could speak over the other better a few weeks ago when we argued about her audacity in telling Holly that she didn't want to be bothered by our calls anymore (Oy! I ran out of breath just typing that incredibly long run-on sentence!). Um.. yeah.. ok.. rude! They still had a few things to address - the bigger ones being a second toilet issue, the keys not working in all the locks, and our oven STILL not working. BUT I could've handled it all better. Yes, I admit, I probably wasn't in the right state of mind to effectively manage staying out of any possible conflict. I just wanted a livable house with no problems and having come out of two other dreadful situations, the exhaustion and stress from moving clearly lessened my ability to be flexible, compassionate, and you know.. nice.
Looking back on that, I should've listened to Holly when she asked me not to call our crazy landlady cuz tho I wasn't mad - and I really wasn't - I was probably firm enough for her to hear a certain tone in my voice and that just set her off and escalated from there (course it's her fucking fault). You get more flies with honey they say.. but I'd still like to swat that one back to Hell where she came from.. *ahem*
So this is me - a girl who grew up so passive and shy that when boys said hello I'd just put my head down and keep walking til one day I evolved, and I thank the theatre training that brought out the extrovert in me, and crossed over to the extreme other side of unstoppable loudmouth. And with a name like Angel, I'm just a sucker punch waiting to happen people.
This hasn't served me well in my romantic life either cuz along with being assertive comes a lack of patience. I mean, if there was a patience store, I would be there ALL THE TIME. I would. I need instant gratification.. you know, like, instantly. Why should I wait for something or someone when I can simply go get it or him myself? Well, let me tell you from experience kids, it doesn't work that way. To grossly generalize, as opposed to just a regular 'ol sized generalization - men still like to think they're in control and no matter what any book tells you, they like to be the one doing the chasing. Once in a while, a man is flattered I'm pursuing him.. but nothing ever comes of it. Then we're all confused who pays for dinner and who buys the condoms.. no no no.. just leave it to the simple caveman ways and it's MUCH easier. Phew! However, this is really REALLY hard for me cuz .. Hi.. cute guys! And if you knew me.. uh yeah.. boy crazy since I was a wee tot.. like.. teeeeeensy. But when you're a kid, you can let your crush put his arm around you AND your best friend during show and tell. It's sweet.. but once you get to *gasp* your 30's, like me, it's not so easy anymore. There are games to play and days to wait til you call or they call and are you in with their nice friend and what was his stupid name anyway cuz GOD I'M BORED NOW!? Um, yeah.. can we please just cut to the chase - like me or don't already. Ok, well I'm not quite THAT harsh about it.. but I am direct.
At the beginning of the year, my heart finally soared and then was quickly broken cuz I still couldn't see the short-sightedness of rushing full-throttle into something. The impatience kicked in and he and I were on the crazy ride of wow-your-just-so-amazing and pet names and hoards of long distance calls since he was in BC. But he came to his senses sooner than I did and let me go acknowledging the fact we probably weren't right for each other even tho I didn't see it. Stupid, stupid stupid.. and I told myself, THIS time.. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to relax cuz there is absolutely no substitute for really knowing someone. I don't know how other people take the time when there's an attraction that's so strong you have butterflies all day, but people do it. They get married, have lives together.. um.. if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.. yeah.. well, I probably wouldn't be here bitching about the fact I didn't..
Point, point, POINT... Yes! Getting there!
I met someone I like. It's VERY early. But the good thing, after some talking.. we're so much alike it's freaky.. but also, you know, a relief! He's impatient, he gets riled, he rushes into things.. but he thinks, and I have yet to see this for sure, he's slowed down a bit, managed himself so well he's figured out how to practice a bit more patience due to learning from his past mistakes. I know! A REAL adult. I was shocked! But what struck me, out of many things we discussed, was his suggestion of how I could help myself move towards my goals by simply writing down who I wanted to be.
I will be patient.
I will think things thru before enacting upon them.
I will not be argumentative.
I will RELAX!
I will date Jesse Metcalf.. Oops! How'd that get in there?!
Ok ok, so there's probably a few other things (see closer to 15) my friends could add to that, but hey, it's a start. I just thought to myself, you know, what a good idea. I know it's 3rd-grade simple. It's silly even, but sometimes the simplist ideas are the most effective - especially when you know, you're talking about me.. which, if you've been reading this blog, is what I do here.
So that's the goal. I like the guy, who is great so far.. but I'm staying grounded even if I maybe sorta really dig him... just a little.. and I'm consciously - which is just fucking painful - holding my quick tongue and thinking, maybe it's possible I don't have to react to absolutely EVERYTHING that happens around me. I don't need to control it or be the one leading. I'm going to just sit back and let someone else make a few of the moves and oh maybe breathe before responding to a particular situation.. that's always good. I think it's time to learn that sometimes the stronger choice can be doing nothing at all. I'm going to try that.
As I've mentioned before, I'm one of those very assertive people. Assertiveness can be taken many ways but when it's an integral part of a woman's personality (and I wish I knew how this demon in me came about cuz kids, trust me.. I used to be so shy!) it can, a lot of the time, be incorrectly labeled as bitchy, hormonal, hysterical, irrational.. to name a few derogatory adjectives - take your pick. An assertive man is confident, powerful, and direct, but God forbid a woman knows what she wants and how to get it, and whether or not someone wants to give what is requested, she can find a way to make them. This, of course, is a subject for another time, and I'm not so much digressing but acknowledging that tho this perception is discouragingly flawed, I recognize that even I'd like to find that fine line of getting what I want without damaging myself and/or pissing people off in the process.
For example, the new property management company does NOT want to talk to me. I'm probably the most assertive one, but apparently, also the scariest one. Yes, tho little, I am fierce. Stop laughing. And tho the wife of the owner is a complete LUNATIC and talks to everyone like they are her abused children, I haven't talked to her or any of her people since she and I got into a large battle of who could speak over the other better a few weeks ago when we argued about her audacity in telling Holly that she didn't want to be bothered by our calls anymore (Oy! I ran out of breath just typing that incredibly long run-on sentence!). Um.. yeah.. ok.. rude! They still had a few things to address - the bigger ones being a second toilet issue, the keys not working in all the locks, and our oven STILL not working. BUT I could've handled it all better. Yes, I admit, I probably wasn't in the right state of mind to effectively manage staying out of any possible conflict. I just wanted a livable house with no problems and having come out of two other dreadful situations, the exhaustion and stress from moving clearly lessened my ability to be flexible, compassionate, and you know.. nice.
Looking back on that, I should've listened to Holly when she asked me not to call our crazy landlady cuz tho I wasn't mad - and I really wasn't - I was probably firm enough for her to hear a certain tone in my voice and that just set her off and escalated from there (course it's her fucking fault). You get more flies with honey they say.. but I'd still like to swat that one back to Hell where she came from.. *ahem*
So this is me - a girl who grew up so passive and shy that when boys said hello I'd just put my head down and keep walking til one day I evolved, and I thank the theatre training that brought out the extrovert in me, and crossed over to the extreme other side of unstoppable loudmouth. And with a name like Angel, I'm just a sucker punch waiting to happen people.
This hasn't served me well in my romantic life either cuz along with being assertive comes a lack of patience. I mean, if there was a patience store, I would be there ALL THE TIME. I would. I need instant gratification.. you know, like, instantly. Why should I wait for something or someone when I can simply go get it or him myself? Well, let me tell you from experience kids, it doesn't work that way. To grossly generalize, as opposed to just a regular 'ol sized generalization - men still like to think they're in control and no matter what any book tells you, they like to be the one doing the chasing. Once in a while, a man is flattered I'm pursuing him.. but nothing ever comes of it. Then we're all confused who pays for dinner and who buys the condoms.. no no no.. just leave it to the simple caveman ways and it's MUCH easier. Phew! However, this is really REALLY hard for me cuz .. Hi.. cute guys! And if you knew me.. uh yeah.. boy crazy since I was a wee tot.. like.. teeeeeensy. But when you're a kid, you can let your crush put his arm around you AND your best friend during show and tell. It's sweet.. but once you get to *gasp* your 30's, like me, it's not so easy anymore. There are games to play and days to wait til you call or they call and are you in with their nice friend and what was his stupid name anyway cuz GOD I'M BORED NOW!? Um, yeah.. can we please just cut to the chase - like me or don't already. Ok, well I'm not quite THAT harsh about it.. but I am direct.
At the beginning of the year, my heart finally soared and then was quickly broken cuz I still couldn't see the short-sightedness of rushing full-throttle into something. The impatience kicked in and he and I were on the crazy ride of wow-your-just-so-amazing and pet names and hoards of long distance calls since he was in BC. But he came to his senses sooner than I did and let me go acknowledging the fact we probably weren't right for each other even tho I didn't see it. Stupid, stupid stupid.. and I told myself, THIS time.. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to relax cuz there is absolutely no substitute for really knowing someone. I don't know how other people take the time when there's an attraction that's so strong you have butterflies all day, but people do it. They get married, have lives together.. um.. if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.. yeah.. well, I probably wouldn't be here bitching about the fact I didn't..
Point, point, POINT... Yes! Getting there!
I met someone I like. It's VERY early. But the good thing, after some talking.. we're so much alike it's freaky.. but also, you know, a relief! He's impatient, he gets riled, he rushes into things.. but he thinks, and I have yet to see this for sure, he's slowed down a bit, managed himself so well he's figured out how to practice a bit more patience due to learning from his past mistakes. I know! A REAL adult. I was shocked! But what struck me, out of many things we discussed, was his suggestion of how I could help myself move towards my goals by simply writing down who I wanted to be.
I will be patient.
I will think things thru before enacting upon them.
I will not be argumentative.
I will RELAX!
I will date Jesse Metcalf.. Oops! How'd that get in there?!
Ok ok, so there's probably a few other things (see closer to 15) my friends could add to that, but hey, it's a start. I just thought to myself, you know, what a good idea. I know it's 3rd-grade simple. It's silly even, but sometimes the simplist ideas are the most effective - especially when you know, you're talking about me.. which, if you've been reading this blog, is what I do here.
So that's the goal. I like the guy, who is great so far.. but I'm staying grounded even if I maybe sorta really dig him... just a little.. and I'm consciously - which is just fucking painful - holding my quick tongue and thinking, maybe it's possible I don't have to react to absolutely EVERYTHING that happens around me. I don't need to control it or be the one leading. I'm going to just sit back and let someone else make a few of the moves and oh maybe breathe before responding to a particular situation.. that's always good. I think it's time to learn that sometimes the stronger choice can be doing nothing at all. I'm going to try that.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Speaking as an adult
I think I'm the only 33-year-old alive who can't keep her finances straight. *Sigh* I hate being overdrawn. Again.
It's not like this is the first time it's happened, obviously, but since college, I've had this constant worried feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm broke or soon will be. I had virtually no debt then since my parents paid for my school, but if I didn't want to live in the dorms - and no one did after freshman year - I had to get a job and pay for my own rent and books. Neither was cheap in my never-having-done-this-before opinion.
Still, it hardly compares to flashing forward to the present where I'm a 'real' adult these days. Apparently, that is what debt and bills and planning for retirement make you.. well, ok, 2 out of 3 isn't bad.. right? I have credit card debt I'm paying off - miniscule to some friends who owe literally ten times more than me and I'll be done next January, the car payment - and get this.. the car is worth $4K less than what I still owe on it.. yeah, nice! - car insurance for said worthless vehicle (If you ever heed ANY advice from me ever, please, for the love of all that's holy, DON'T BUY A FORD!), monthly gym fee, and the ridiculous cell phone package I have that 'saves' me money when I call my friends in BC. The saving part is actually true, tho the plan is still fucking expensive.
Let's not forget besides those bills, I still have to pay to live. Food, toiletries, utilities - gas, water, sewer, garbage, and light - tho since I've moved, we have yet to be billed and we're bracing ourselves to see what that will amount to when it comes in its 2 month increments. But truly you'd think that since I haven't paid utilities since the end of June cuz of all the cluster-fucked living situations I got myself into when I first moved that the benefit of those would be that I would've had some money left over.. and you'd probably be right.. except uh... yeah.. I don't. Um.. must've spent it.. hmm.. damn.
And where, with all of that I'm required to pay, do I find the cash to front the rest of the needed things in life.. like dinners out, wedding and birthday gifts, new clothing and shoes, haircuts and dyes, and you know, general socializing which requires extra money for covers, drinks, and coat checks? I don't.. not really.. and let me tell you how much that sucks.. A LOT! I don't go out nearly as much as I used to when I had a used car that was paid off or before I was laid off like 3 times in a row, which is how I acquired said credit card debt cuz you know.. unemployment really doesn't pay all that much.
When I have money, I spend it. It's that simple. Savings account for rainy days, retirement, Christmas.. uh.. what's that? I don't have one. Yes, I know.. I KNOW.. STUPID! But I don't make that much comparitively to the rest of this area's population from what I understand. Not that they should be put down for what they're making at Microsoft, Boeing, Washington Mutual, etc.. but I have tried to find other things that are more lucrative.. and, at least in my opinion.. having, for example, applied for an open position at the Gates Foundation where you have to KNOW someone to get an interview and I DID and STILL didn't get a call... it's not easy and I feel like what I have I should keep cuz I need it right now. But I realize there's nothing to cushion an unexpected car repair, kitty illness, or even the positive and fun things like *gasp* a vacation! I'm just afraid to have less now by planning for the future cuz as I discovered recently while checking my rights as a renter, I sort of make less than what is considered to be 'low income'. The ceiling for low income is actually $3K more than what I make now.. uh.. yeah. *Sigh*
So, the next RESPONSIBLE step I'm taking is talking to an advisor. Yes! Can you believe it? I'm going to take responsibility for myself instead of calling my mother.. and yes, go ahead.. make fun of me for calling her to bail me out once in a while.. or another friend much more established than me - and you can poke fun there too cuz there are currently two of those I owe more than $100 to cuz they saw the situation, wanted to help, and love me completely unconditionally. But when I've been more financially stable, I've also been the on the receiving end of those could-you-possibly-lend-me-I'm-good-for-it conversations and at that point you have to understand the key to lending any friend money is that you can't expect to be repaid. Not that it's a gift, but if you need that money, I recommend not lending it as it will not come back to you quickly and no one wants a rift that could damage the friendship beyond repair. No, not a good thing.. far from it..
Luckily, and coincidentally I might add, a lovely Fidelity man came by our office to discuss financial planning. He gave us a little survey to fill out that asked us if we'd be interested in .. well, planning, um.. financially.. for ourselves.. and since I can't seem to budget myself well enough to keep my ass in the black, I said yes. Like.. duh. And they called me last week, but I was so busy I haven't called them back.. which will also be remedied tomorrow, first thing, when I get into the office.
Um, hi, Fidelity.. yeah.. can you help me be an adult now? Yeah.. thanks!
It's not like this is the first time it's happened, obviously, but since college, I've had this constant worried feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm broke or soon will be. I had virtually no debt then since my parents paid for my school, but if I didn't want to live in the dorms - and no one did after freshman year - I had to get a job and pay for my own rent and books. Neither was cheap in my never-having-done-this-before opinion.
Still, it hardly compares to flashing forward to the present where I'm a 'real' adult these days. Apparently, that is what debt and bills and planning for retirement make you.. well, ok, 2 out of 3 isn't bad.. right? I have credit card debt I'm paying off - miniscule to some friends who owe literally ten times more than me and I'll be done next January, the car payment - and get this.. the car is worth $4K less than what I still owe on it.. yeah, nice! - car insurance for said worthless vehicle (If you ever heed ANY advice from me ever, please, for the love of all that's holy, DON'T BUY A FORD!), monthly gym fee, and the ridiculous cell phone package I have that 'saves' me money when I call my friends in BC. The saving part is actually true, tho the plan is still fucking expensive.
Let's not forget besides those bills, I still have to pay to live. Food, toiletries, utilities - gas, water, sewer, garbage, and light - tho since I've moved, we have yet to be billed and we're bracing ourselves to see what that will amount to when it comes in its 2 month increments. But truly you'd think that since I haven't paid utilities since the end of June cuz of all the cluster-fucked living situations I got myself into when I first moved that the benefit of those would be that I would've had some money left over.. and you'd probably be right.. except uh... yeah.. I don't. Um.. must've spent it.. hmm.. damn.
And where, with all of that I'm required to pay, do I find the cash to front the rest of the needed things in life.. like dinners out, wedding and birthday gifts, new clothing and shoes, haircuts and dyes, and you know, general socializing which requires extra money for covers, drinks, and coat checks? I don't.. not really.. and let me tell you how much that sucks.. A LOT! I don't go out nearly as much as I used to when I had a used car that was paid off or before I was laid off like 3 times in a row, which is how I acquired said credit card debt cuz you know.. unemployment really doesn't pay all that much.
When I have money, I spend it. It's that simple. Savings account for rainy days, retirement, Christmas.. uh.. what's that? I don't have one. Yes, I know.. I KNOW.. STUPID! But I don't make that much comparitively to the rest of this area's population from what I understand. Not that they should be put down for what they're making at Microsoft, Boeing, Washington Mutual, etc.. but I have tried to find other things that are more lucrative.. and, at least in my opinion.. having, for example, applied for an open position at the Gates Foundation where you have to KNOW someone to get an interview and I DID and STILL didn't get a call... it's not easy and I feel like what I have I should keep cuz I need it right now. But I realize there's nothing to cushion an unexpected car repair, kitty illness, or even the positive and fun things like *gasp* a vacation! I'm just afraid to have less now by planning for the future cuz as I discovered recently while checking my rights as a renter, I sort of make less than what is considered to be 'low income'. The ceiling for low income is actually $3K more than what I make now.. uh.. yeah. *Sigh*
So, the next RESPONSIBLE step I'm taking is talking to an advisor. Yes! Can you believe it? I'm going to take responsibility for myself instead of calling my mother.. and yes, go ahead.. make fun of me for calling her to bail me out once in a while.. or another friend much more established than me - and you can poke fun there too cuz there are currently two of those I owe more than $100 to cuz they saw the situation, wanted to help, and love me completely unconditionally. But when I've been more financially stable, I've also been the on the receiving end of those could-you-possibly-lend-me-I'm-good-for-it conversations and at that point you have to understand the key to lending any friend money is that you can't expect to be repaid. Not that it's a gift, but if you need that money, I recommend not lending it as it will not come back to you quickly and no one wants a rift that could damage the friendship beyond repair. No, not a good thing.. far from it..
Luckily, and coincidentally I might add, a lovely Fidelity man came by our office to discuss financial planning. He gave us a little survey to fill out that asked us if we'd be interested in .. well, planning, um.. financially.. for ourselves.. and since I can't seem to budget myself well enough to keep my ass in the black, I said yes. Like.. duh. And they called me last week, but I was so busy I haven't called them back.. which will also be remedied tomorrow, first thing, when I get into the office.
Um, hi, Fidelity.. yeah.. can you help me be an adult now? Yeah.. thanks!
Friday, August 05, 2005
Won't you be my neighbor?
Ahh..wilderness! This is my new neighborhood, Madison Park: the forest-in-the-city where scores of yuppies reside. Look it up. That's the definition. The arboretum is down the street and with it come the many soccer moms and their brood, the Microsofties, and the other avid sporty types who run, bike and hike thru the area. Then there is EVERYONE ELSE. Um, yeah, apparently this is like the most popular little get-away being that it's in the middle of the city as opposed to the other two parks, which are on opposing ends - Ballard and West Seattle. Those beaches - and I use that term loosely cuz beaches I know are CLEAN and BEIGE and SOFT rather than so charred from the many bonfires over time that it leaves your feet so black you look like you just washed in coal... not to mention they're strewn with broken glass and slivers of wood that your now APE-LOOKING FEET could injure themselves upon - are a pain to get to and, once there, it's difficult to find parking. And that's the ONLY thing there.. just the beach. Um.. hellooo.. bored now. Yeah, thanks.
So I love it here.. it's pretty damn cute. We've got cafes, a zillion little restaurants, shops, a couple of pubs, and of course, a beach. Ok, I really don't know if there's any sand. In fact, where there should be sand there's um.. grass.. but hey, that's ok cuz who likes sand everywhere? Not me.. nope! I LIKE the grassy beach. Much less cleaning to do afterwards. But clearly, the rest of Seattle likes it too. I should feel sorry for them since they're only temporarily getting away from their isolated/dreary/boring neghborhoods and here I am, lucky enough to be able to walk for a few minutes and I'm in the woods or near the water. So what if there's like a major vehicle thoroughfare running right in front of my house... whatever.. It's cool. I live in Madison Park. Pffffft.. so there!
Now all of us girls are finally moved in.. but you know.. don't think that means we're done with everything. Oh God no. There's recycling for ALL TIME still to be picked up, boxes of why-do-I-own-this? everywhere and trying to find a place to put them, cable or something like it still to be installed as well as a few things left for the property management to address like oh, ALL THE WINDOWS IN THE HOUSE. I was relieved earlier this week when they told me they were all being replaced! See? It pays to be pushy sometimes... it's still 3 weeks out, but hey, progress I tell you!
And we're all very different - Holly, Megan, Carrie and me. I'm trying not to be the mother hen, but as I get older, I'm becoming really obsessive-compulsive. They already leave out dirty silverware after a use, the empty box that contained their frozen dinner, etc.. and those things could start to wear on me, but I just have to remember that I maybe need to friggin relax. I mean of course I don't seem to be bothered by the fact my stuff is still lying about in the living room, dining room, and hallway. Why should that bother anyone? I know.. I'm terribly hypocritical here.. but don't forget, I'm still the one to get us new windows, ok?
The girls are super sweet and funny and responsible and nice and I think it's going to work out here for a while. Plus, they're hilarious when they're drunk cuz you know.. they're all of like 22. Ahh, reminds me of when I was their age.. and much, much more stupid.. but hey, memories!
So we've all had a little time with each other, just starting to get to know everyone's quirks and personalities. Holly and I actually spent an evening out together last week and she got to know mine. Every 5 min before we left I think I said, 'Gimme 5 more min and I'll be ready.' She finally stood at the door of the bathroom and just watched me til I became so damn uncomfortable I had to stop primping.. ok ok! God! Then, on the way to the gas station that's like a block or two from the house, this guy decides to drive his BMW right on top of me. Ohhh.. you know THAT started something. I tapped the brakes and he didn't back off.. tapped again, nada. Ok.. I pulled over right next to the gas station and this is our oh-so-friendly exchange:
Me: What the FUCK are you riding my ass for?!
Dumbass rich guy: You pulled out in front of me!
Me: Oh whatever dude! Get over yourself.. *I pull into gas station thinking that was a brilliant comeback on my part.. right..*
Dumbass rich guy: *pulls into second driveway of gas station and at an angle so I can't get past him*
Holly: *as I'm getting out of the car* Omg.. what are you going to do??
Me: Well, I have to get gas.. what's he gonna do? Yell at me to death? Please..
*to Dumbass rich guy* What do you want?
Dumbass rich guy: You cut me off!
Me: You know, if you don't leave us alone, I'm calling the police. This is harassment.
Dumbass rich guy: Oh call them. Go ahead.
Me: And what are you going to tell them? That you got mad that two little girls pulled out in front of your speeding BMW and you got upset cuz you didn't have time to slow down? That'd be a really interesting story... don't you think?
Dumbass rich guy: *Looking guilty* I wasn't speeding.
Me: *All self-righteous now* Really? Cuz you know it's 30 thru here and that should give you plenty of time to slow down to the legal 2 seconds of space you should've given me instead of riding my ass to make a point. I looked behind me and you were at the top of the hill. If you were going 30, you wouldn't have caught up to me at all.
Dumbass rich guy: But you pulled out in front of me!
Me: Yes, I think I got that part. Look, you look like you're very successful, you have a nice car, plenty of money.. I'm sure there are many things much bigger in life to be upset about than to be hassling me about how I cut you off for the millionth time, ok?
Dumbass rich guy: *starts to repeat himself again - non-interesting rambling*
Me: *cutting off Dumbass rich guy - apparently for the second time in a row* Ok buddy.. listen.. this is the problem. *holding right hand up vertically and to the side* And this is you - getting over the problem. *holding left hand up then jumping it over the right* I'm done with this bullshit.
I walk away to you know, pump the gas I sorta needed.
SO, that was Holly's first big impression of Angel - basically a very bitchy chihuahua when she gets riled.. Oh yeah, I'm not to be messed with. Uh-uh. I have many gay friends. I watch Will & Grace. This is where I get all my good lines so don't be fuckin' with me.. got it?
Me: *embarrassed and shaking like hell* Sorry Holly! That was a bit.. uh.. crazy.
Holly: *laughing* I just thought it was funny!
Great.. now I'm just the entertainment. Pefect!
Come one, come all to Madison Park where Miss D. will happily endure a rash of abuse just so you can see her fiesty reactions! She spits! She breathes fire! She banters condescendingly! You might never again see anything like this if you're smart enough never to drive with her!
Oh c'mon.. I don't bite.. til I know you better. Come on over... the water's fine!
So I love it here.. it's pretty damn cute. We've got cafes, a zillion little restaurants, shops, a couple of pubs, and of course, a beach. Ok, I really don't know if there's any sand. In fact, where there should be sand there's um.. grass.. but hey, that's ok cuz who likes sand everywhere? Not me.. nope! I LIKE the grassy beach. Much less cleaning to do afterwards. But clearly, the rest of Seattle likes it too. I should feel sorry for them since they're only temporarily getting away from their isolated/dreary/boring neghborhoods and here I am, lucky enough to be able to walk for a few minutes and I'm in the woods or near the water. So what if there's like a major vehicle thoroughfare running right in front of my house... whatever.. It's cool. I live in Madison Park. Pffffft.. so there!
Now all of us girls are finally moved in.. but you know.. don't think that means we're done with everything. Oh God no. There's recycling for ALL TIME still to be picked up, boxes of why-do-I-own-this? everywhere and trying to find a place to put them, cable or something like it still to be installed as well as a few things left for the property management to address like oh, ALL THE WINDOWS IN THE HOUSE. I was relieved earlier this week when they told me they were all being replaced! See? It pays to be pushy sometimes... it's still 3 weeks out, but hey, progress I tell you!
And we're all very different - Holly, Megan, Carrie and me. I'm trying not to be the mother hen, but as I get older, I'm becoming really obsessive-compulsive. They already leave out dirty silverware after a use, the empty box that contained their frozen dinner, etc.. and those things could start to wear on me, but I just have to remember that I maybe need to friggin relax. I mean of course I don't seem to be bothered by the fact my stuff is still lying about in the living room, dining room, and hallway. Why should that bother anyone? I know.. I'm terribly hypocritical here.. but don't forget, I'm still the one to get us new windows, ok?
The girls are super sweet and funny and responsible and nice and I think it's going to work out here for a while. Plus, they're hilarious when they're drunk cuz you know.. they're all of like 22. Ahh, reminds me of when I was their age.. and much, much more stupid.. but hey, memories!
So we've all had a little time with each other, just starting to get to know everyone's quirks and personalities. Holly and I actually spent an evening out together last week and she got to know mine. Every 5 min before we left I think I said, 'Gimme 5 more min and I'll be ready.' She finally stood at the door of the bathroom and just watched me til I became so damn uncomfortable I had to stop primping.. ok ok! God! Then, on the way to the gas station that's like a block or two from the house, this guy decides to drive his BMW right on top of me. Ohhh.. you know THAT started something. I tapped the brakes and he didn't back off.. tapped again, nada. Ok.. I pulled over right next to the gas station and this is our oh-so-friendly exchange:
Me: What the FUCK are you riding my ass for?!
Dumbass rich guy: You pulled out in front of me!
Me: Oh whatever dude! Get over yourself.. *I pull into gas station thinking that was a brilliant comeback on my part.. right..*
Dumbass rich guy: *pulls into second driveway of gas station and at an angle so I can't get past him*
Holly: *as I'm getting out of the car* Omg.. what are you going to do??
Me: Well, I have to get gas.. what's he gonna do? Yell at me to death? Please..
*to Dumbass rich guy* What do you want?
Dumbass rich guy: You cut me off!
Me: You know, if you don't leave us alone, I'm calling the police. This is harassment.
Dumbass rich guy: Oh call them. Go ahead.
Me: And what are you going to tell them? That you got mad that two little girls pulled out in front of your speeding BMW and you got upset cuz you didn't have time to slow down? That'd be a really interesting story... don't you think?
Dumbass rich guy: *Looking guilty* I wasn't speeding.
Me: *All self-righteous now* Really? Cuz you know it's 30 thru here and that should give you plenty of time to slow down to the legal 2 seconds of space you should've given me instead of riding my ass to make a point. I looked behind me and you were at the top of the hill. If you were going 30, you wouldn't have caught up to me at all.
Dumbass rich guy: But you pulled out in front of me!
Me: Yes, I think I got that part. Look, you look like you're very successful, you have a nice car, plenty of money.. I'm sure there are many things much bigger in life to be upset about than to be hassling me about how I cut you off for the millionth time, ok?
Dumbass rich guy: *starts to repeat himself again - non-interesting rambling*
Me: *cutting off Dumbass rich guy - apparently for the second time in a row* Ok buddy.. listen.. this is the problem. *holding right hand up vertically and to the side* And this is you - getting over the problem. *holding left hand up then jumping it over the right* I'm done with this bullshit.
I walk away to you know, pump the gas I sorta needed.
SO, that was Holly's first big impression of Angel - basically a very bitchy chihuahua when she gets riled.. Oh yeah, I'm not to be messed with. Uh-uh. I have many gay friends. I watch Will & Grace. This is where I get all my good lines so don't be fuckin' with me.. got it?
Me: *embarrassed and shaking like hell* Sorry Holly! That was a bit.. uh.. crazy.
Holly: *laughing* I just thought it was funny!
Great.. now I'm just the entertainment. Pefect!
Come one, come all to Madison Park where Miss D. will happily endure a rash of abuse just so you can see her fiesty reactions! She spits! She breathes fire! She banters condescendingly! You might never again see anything like this if you're smart enough never to drive with her!
Oh c'mon.. I don't bite.. til I know you better. Come on over... the water's fine!
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Interim..
Ok people.. I'm trying.. REALLY to find some time to write something new, but it's pretty fucking impossible now.. and you know I really mean it when I have to cuss. Between work - end of the month in telecom means STRESS and trying to recover from the hell that was July.. and you know, maybe a little dating here and there.. *blush* .. chica is working for YOU to get it together. That's right - all 4 (count 'em FOUR) readers of mine. But just so you know, I'm going to need a little longer yet.
In the meantime, please peruse the myriad of other fine blog selections to your immediate right.. no, you're other right... Some of them need readers like you and some of them have more than enough. I don't discriminate. I know any of them will keep you wildly entertained until I clone myself and can be in two places at once.
Hope you're all well and happy!
In the meantime, please peruse the myriad of other fine blog selections to your immediate right.. no, you're other right... Some of them need readers like you and some of them have more than enough. I don't discriminate. I know any of them will keep you wildly entertained until I clone myself and can be in two places at once.
Hope you're all well and happy!
Friday, July 22, 2005
My big mouth: pros and cons
You may not think so by first glance of my shorter stature (or reading my posts actually) but I'm sort of blunt - sometimes loud, sometimes obnoxious, but to the point. Somewhere in college I found my voice, assertive and defiant, amidst what used to be a naive and shy personality, and, to others' chagrin, haven't stopped using it since.
In my opinion - and I'm only speaking for myself - this is one of my best qualities. For example, the house my roommates and I just moved into had a plethora of issues and because of my oh-so-direct nature, most of these, of which a few were very major according to uh.. the SEATTLE BUILDING CODES, helloooo, were resolved this week. Yes, thank you, no really, don't get up.. please.. ok, well, if you must..
However, and I know you're shocked by this, my candid ways have earned me a negative title a time or two.. or maybe even resulted in the loss of my job once.. or 3 times.. maybe.. just hypothetically, of course. I jokingly term it A.W.A. or Angel With Attitude. And again - sometimes this is a GOOD THING.. but if your job, like mine might've been before, is to work in customer care in really, ANY industry, then there are times when maybe you should.. um.. maybe.. care and I.. well.. didn't. And really, that will only take you so far - like only as far as multiple customer complaints will get you - which is not far at all if you're getting my drift, people. No, it is not.
There are also times when oh, I sort of don't think before I speak and something maybe slightly, for lack of a better term, inappropriate comes out of my mouth for no reason whatsoever.. like the devil has sent his stupidest minion to possess me for the sake of pure entertainment. Like.. Tuesday when I told my boss that the next day I was going to wait in line with the multitudes of rabid fans of the Indigo Girls, most of whom were 'dykes'. Now I'm no homophobe and if you can believe it, I meant this in the best possible way as they certainly ARE rabid fans.. and they most certainly ARE dykes. This has been made clear to me by lesbians themselves who understood my usage and in this particular context. But, it just so happened that well.. my HR/CFO walked by me just as I was uttering this particular word. Um.. yeah, smooooth. Did I get a talking to? Oooooh yeah.. Did he force me to make a somewhat PUBLIC apology to my WHOLE DEPARTMENT yesterday?? Um... yes he did that too. BUT - did I offend ANYONE, including the actual LESBIANS in my office with whom I associate FREELY outside my office?! Surprisingly, no! They were not up in arms! I am not a bigot or gay basher or homo-hater of any kind! Phew.. I was a bit nervous there for a second.. Apparently 'dyke' is a fairly acceptable term, to these women anyway, which I kind of already knew and why I used the word to begin with, but please take my advice - maybe don't utter things like that from your cubicle, ok? Just sayin..
So it shouldn't surprise you that I continue to admire this outspoken trait within myself and that I also continue to use poor judgement when trying to put it to action.. Seriously, Tuesday just got better and better.
I went to my friend, Wazhma's, grand re-opening of her lovely store, Retail Therapy and proceeded to mingle with our other friends and make major purchases of very tiny pieces of jewelry, which I thought I deserved after the most recent week's move. And then I noticed him.. the tall drink of water, the man who could give our children an actual chance at body height taller than 5'3" if we were ever to procreate (well, really, me combined with just about anyone could too, I suppose..). I felt like a 2-year-old fascinated by.. well, whatever fascinates a 2-year-old.. and excitedly uttering the only word it knows.. 'PRETTY!' The guy made me nervous as hell so what else was I supposed to do? And since I couldn't actually produce too many words directed to him, I did the next best thing - drank. It wasn't so bad in the beginning.. over about 4 paper cups of champagne. I made nice, talked to our friends with him amidst fun conversation and chatted here and there. No, it was good until later when we left the store and went to another bar where Miss D + 2 cosmos + already ingested (and carbonated = go to head FASTER) champagne = bad.. and for some reason, I keep forgetting that.
So, you know what I did? No.. I'm sure you don't. This is why I'll tell you and you may learn yet another valuable lesson at my expense. At the end of the night, when he and Wazhma decided to leave and had already walked out of said establishment and were a good TWO BLOCKS UP already, I suddenly was afflicted, AFFLICTED I tell you, with courage to oh.. RUN AFTER HIM. And I hear you saying, 'NO! You didn't!'.. but oooh.. YES, I did! And I thought.. well, hey, I'm taking a chance, pursuing the opportunity given to me to do something.. right?! And I get up there and think ok, I'm here! Do the deed! Get the digits! And it goes something like this:
Me: I shouldn't really let you leave (like he didn't JUST do this) before getting your number.
Him: *stunned-deer-in-headlights look* Am I in trouble?
Me: *totally thrown by this reply* Uuuuuuh.. ?
Him: *still not looking flattered like I TOTALLY thought he would be and really not amused enough either* Well, am I in trouble?
Me: *still stammering* Umm.. noooo.. I'm just asking for your number so um.. I can ask you out sometime.
**Ok.. this is getting really bad now. Any vibe that existed - and there WAS a small one people - is suddenly very very gone.**
Him: *Provides number and very obviously, starts to back away..* Oook.. so.. there.
Me: Um.. yes.. there. Ok.. well, then.. ok. See ya.. *Confused*
Friends back at bar in UNISON: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!
Me: *Slightly taken aback - when aback can be taken* What, what?! Did I screw it up?!
Andrew: Well, that probably wasn't the best idea..
And they then start to pick my brave overture apart until I wanted to be swallowed up by the very ground on which I am standing. I mean, I've asked guys out before. It has worked on occasion and you know, SOME guys LIKE it! But if you're wondering, um.. no, he hasn't called back yet so there.. pfffffft.. what-ever. HAPPY?!
Obviously, I've not completely honed my skills and sometimes I'm like a puppy who keeps tripping over its big feet with my open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome, but I don't have any regrets. Ok, scratch that. I don't have many regrets. Ugh.. ok, there are regrets, people.. FINE.. but as the saying goes, 'When opportunity knocks..' um.. well, I forget the rest.. but aren't I PRETTY???
In my opinion - and I'm only speaking for myself - this is one of my best qualities. For example, the house my roommates and I just moved into had a plethora of issues and because of my oh-so-direct nature, most of these, of which a few were very major according to uh.. the SEATTLE BUILDING CODES, helloooo, were resolved this week. Yes, thank you, no really, don't get up.. please.. ok, well, if you must..
However, and I know you're shocked by this, my candid ways have earned me a negative title a time or two.. or maybe even resulted in the loss of my job once.. or 3 times.. maybe.. just hypothetically, of course. I jokingly term it A.W.A. or Angel With Attitude. And again - sometimes this is a GOOD THING.. but if your job, like mine might've been before, is to work in customer care in really, ANY industry, then there are times when maybe you should.. um.. maybe.. care and I.. well.. didn't. And really, that will only take you so far - like only as far as multiple customer complaints will get you - which is not far at all if you're getting my drift, people. No, it is not.
There are also times when oh, I sort of don't think before I speak and something maybe slightly, for lack of a better term, inappropriate comes out of my mouth for no reason whatsoever.. like the devil has sent his stupidest minion to possess me for the sake of pure entertainment. Like.. Tuesday when I told my boss that the next day I was going to wait in line with the multitudes of rabid fans of the Indigo Girls, most of whom were 'dykes'. Now I'm no homophobe and if you can believe it, I meant this in the best possible way as they certainly ARE rabid fans.. and they most certainly ARE dykes. This has been made clear to me by lesbians themselves who understood my usage and in this particular context. But, it just so happened that well.. my HR/CFO walked by me just as I was uttering this particular word. Um.. yeah, smooooth. Did I get a talking to? Oooooh yeah.. Did he force me to make a somewhat PUBLIC apology to my WHOLE DEPARTMENT yesterday?? Um... yes he did that too. BUT - did I offend ANYONE, including the actual LESBIANS in my office with whom I associate FREELY outside my office?! Surprisingly, no! They were not up in arms! I am not a bigot or gay basher or homo-hater of any kind! Phew.. I was a bit nervous there for a second.. Apparently 'dyke' is a fairly acceptable term, to these women anyway, which I kind of already knew and why I used the word to begin with, but please take my advice - maybe don't utter things like that from your cubicle, ok? Just sayin..
So it shouldn't surprise you that I continue to admire this outspoken trait within myself and that I also continue to use poor judgement when trying to put it to action.. Seriously, Tuesday just got better and better.
I went to my friend, Wazhma's, grand re-opening of her lovely store, Retail Therapy and proceeded to mingle with our other friends and make major purchases of very tiny pieces of jewelry, which I thought I deserved after the most recent week's move. And then I noticed him.. the tall drink of water, the man who could give our children an actual chance at body height taller than 5'3" if we were ever to procreate (well, really, me combined with just about anyone could too, I suppose..). I felt like a 2-year-old fascinated by.. well, whatever fascinates a 2-year-old.. and excitedly uttering the only word it knows.. 'PRETTY!' The guy made me nervous as hell so what else was I supposed to do? And since I couldn't actually produce too many words directed to him, I did the next best thing - drank. It wasn't so bad in the beginning.. over about 4 paper cups of champagne. I made nice, talked to our friends with him amidst fun conversation and chatted here and there. No, it was good until later when we left the store and went to another bar where Miss D + 2 cosmos + already ingested (and carbonated = go to head FASTER) champagne = bad.. and for some reason, I keep forgetting that.
So, you know what I did? No.. I'm sure you don't. This is why I'll tell you and you may learn yet another valuable lesson at my expense. At the end of the night, when he and Wazhma decided to leave and had already walked out of said establishment and were a good TWO BLOCKS UP already, I suddenly was afflicted, AFFLICTED I tell you, with courage to oh.. RUN AFTER HIM. And I hear you saying, 'NO! You didn't!'.. but oooh.. YES, I did! And I thought.. well, hey, I'm taking a chance, pursuing the opportunity given to me to do something.. right?! And I get up there and think ok, I'm here! Do the deed! Get the digits! And it goes something like this:
Me: I shouldn't really let you leave (like he didn't JUST do this) before getting your number.
Him: *stunned-deer-in-headlights look* Am I in trouble?
Me: *totally thrown by this reply* Uuuuuuh.. ?
Him: *still not looking flattered like I TOTALLY thought he would be and really not amused enough either* Well, am I in trouble?
Me: *still stammering* Umm.. noooo.. I'm just asking for your number so um.. I can ask you out sometime.
**Ok.. this is getting really bad now. Any vibe that existed - and there WAS a small one people - is suddenly very very gone.**
Him: *Provides number and very obviously, starts to back away..* Oook.. so.. there.
Me: Um.. yes.. there. Ok.. well, then.. ok. See ya.. *Confused*
Friends back at bar in UNISON: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!
Me: *Slightly taken aback - when aback can be taken* What, what?! Did I screw it up?!
Andrew: Well, that probably wasn't the best idea..
And they then start to pick my brave overture apart until I wanted to be swallowed up by the very ground on which I am standing. I mean, I've asked guys out before. It has worked on occasion and you know, SOME guys LIKE it! But if you're wondering, um.. no, he hasn't called back yet so there.. pfffffft.. what-ever. HAPPY?!
Obviously, I've not completely honed my skills and sometimes I'm like a puppy who keeps tripping over its big feet with my open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome, but I don't have any regrets. Ok, scratch that. I don't have many regrets. Ugh.. ok, there are regrets, people.. FINE.. but as the saying goes, 'When opportunity knocks..' um.. well, I forget the rest.. but aren't I PRETTY???
Monday, July 18, 2005
Cuss words, conflicts, and capitalizations!
Please stand by for a public service announcement...
I'M DONE MOVING PEOPLE!
This is not a test. There will be no more random internet solicitations for help with lifting large and inanimate pieces of furniture for small amounts of starchy sustinance in food or liquid form as payment. No, really.. it's COMPLETELY DONE! And this equals MUCH REJOICING!! WHOO HOO!
Yes, it's true. I can hardly believe it myself.. I've cleaned, I've packed and moved yet again and it's FINALLY. FUCKING. OVER. And it wasn't easy.. there were moments of frustration and just all out pain from being on my feet so long, words couldn't be combined into proper sentences, much dirt and stink acquired.. but it's at least over.
I took the day off Friday to do as much as I could alone, which let me say, was a lot. I made a good dent but couldn't get any of the big stuff. A friend helped with the bed that night when we then discovered *dun dun dun* um.. wow, this staircase is uh.. really narrow.. and actually.. hmm.. the only way we can fit the mattress upstairs to my room is to push it up vertically thru this 10 inch space - 10 INCHES PEOPLE - which BARELY fit and there was much grunting and heaving and pulling and panting.. and no one said EVER.. was it good for you? No.. that wasn't said at all! I didn't think any further that anything else but beds might have issues.. why didn't I think that? I don't know.. logic was very much not my friend til the next day.. and really I was still debating when the dresser that houses my cute, little pieces of clothing I WEAR would also not fit.. like up the stairs.. to where it should very much BE fitting! Ugh.. note to self: Need new dresser.. like something I have to BUILD from Ikea and um, LEAVE up there forever!
Anyway..
Saturday started to go well. I got up early, picked up one of the very nice friends from Tribe who offered to help, Ben, and then went to pick up many bagels ordered the night before (See? good plan, Angel, gooood plan!) to offer to all the helpers as gourmet and nourishing payment. Also, I took coffee orders.. oh, don't think I didn't.. before people will work in the morning on a dreary, but muggy Saturday for someone who's practically a complete stranger, they must be encouraged with round, flavored carbohydrates and litres of milky caffeinated beverages. And I provided them happily. Yes I did! Then Ben was dropped off to wait for anyone else who might arrive and my friend, Charlie, and I went to pick up the truck.
This is where things started to get ugly - but only on the inside cuz I was NOT about to let very grumpy ASSHOLES ruin my friggin PERFECT moving day.. no no.. I was calm thru the pissiness. It was a miracle cuz I should really warn you, there are PRICKS at Handy Andy. No.. Andy is NOT handy in my opinion.. Andy is a very RUDE guy I think.. if Andy was even there.. and if not, I bet he's just like the rest of his people with crappy attitudes and bad red neck hair.. I'm just betting.. I will not give them advertising tho, not putting a link to any possible website whatsoever. I will just say they are located near 107th on Aurora and they are ABSOLUTE JERKS who are MEAN and SNIDE and don't deserve anyone's money.. and that's fine cuz I will just pay more money for people at U-Haul or Budget to treat me a lot fucking better!
*ahem*
So we walk in and I let them know I have a reservation.. and they, right then, tell me I better have $150 allowable on my debit card as that's the deposit.. Um.. hey, they told me $20. I was very quickly told no, $150 is the right amount - course this guy, a real charmer I might add, also a mumbler and God, I HATE mumblers.. SPEAK THE FUCK UP OK? ANN-UNC-I-ATE already.. geez.. and I just said, 'oh, no one mentioned that when I called in to make the reservations.' Calmly. And Mr. I'm-just-standing-next-to-Mr.-Charmer-but-I-know-EVERYTHING butted in and snapped, 'He JUST told you!' And in my head I said 'Uh.. ok.. everything ok at home Buddy? Failing that anger management course are you?' But I didn't.. however, I had to say something.. HAD to cuz I WORK in customer care and people, that ain't it. So it just came out.. 'Wow, your customer care sucks, doesn't it?' in a very blunt and oh-so-direct-but-again-CALM manner. Mr. Charmer just looked at me and mumbly-like asked me to 'sign here' and then directed me outside to someone who realized consonants were invented for USING.. and gave me keys. Lovely. THANK YOU.. Fuck..
After THAT b.s. - Charlie and I drove both vehicles back and when I walked into the soon-to-be old place, like 15 really great people were sitting around munching on treats and drinking the orange juice and it was a friggin PARTY! I almost did my happy dance and almost, ALMOST forgot about the really MEAN MEAN ASSHOLES at Handy Andy's. And we moved.. they picked up whatever they could find, put it in the truck rather Tetris-like and were actually pretty darn happy about helping. And thus, so was I! And when everything was loaded, I remembered the best part: BEER!
Among items of nourishment to provide to strangers who help you move, beer is the most important item you can't forget. No, you cannot. Seriously.
So the beer was put into a vehicle to be opened at new place amidst all the moving in.. and when we were all finished, or at least, almost and just needed rest, said beer was thusly opened and drank and many 'ahhs' and much lamenting over stupid STUPID Handy Andy and other sad tales of moving woe shared. It was fucking beautiful!
Goodbyes and thank you's were given to all the Tribers who came to my rescue and off I went to the very not so fun place of Handy Andy's to return their lousy truck. Like I was going to STEAL it or something.. like I LIKE to move.. just do it for a fucking LIVING or something.. IDIOTS.. Here's your damn truck back, is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. No, kept it to a minimal 'thank you', uttered as kindly as possible, which I wanted to change to 'fuck you' but they did have my credit card number.
And then - I had to clean. Oh. My. God. I emerged 4 (yes that's FOUR) hours later from the abode in which I lived for 16 (that's SIXTEEN!) days only.. and I told the guys I'll clean the top floor if you do the bottom. Mind you, I have no deposit of which to receive back, so why this insane act of delirium? I don't know. Someone had to.. it was soooooo bad. I'm sure you don't believe me.. but as an example, I had to PRE-SWEEP the kitchen before the actual sweeping happened.. Yes, really.. I'm so not kidding. And there was still the living and dining rooms, the bathroom and all 3 upstairs bedrooms. I didn't clean when I lived there cuz I knew I was only staying a short time and I didn't want to have to do it twice. And maybe there are filthier people out there.. but um, I don't know where.
So the worst part is over.. I think.. um.. maybe.. Holly and I are moved in and still have a ton of unpacking to do, managing the maze of boxes, trying to find the one thing we absolutely need and is buried.. somewhere.. hmm.. not there.. no, not there either.. crap. But there are many many MANY issues with the new house. Oh here let me list them.
1. ANTS - as in EW!
We have an extra room upstairs with a skylight.. it's so cute and funky.. and there's this red dust on the floor just underneath and where's it coming from and OHMYFUCKINGGOD*asIcantgetfarenoughaway*WHATSONTHEWALL?!?! Yeah. Like BIG ones.. just.. crowded around this one corner, hanging out.. Blech!! *shivers*
2. Toilet leak - uh yeah.. the guys changed out some parts.. and maybe didn't like um.. check to see they did it COMPLETELY? It's only a slow leak.. but you know, I'm sorta PAYING for that water now.. hellooo?
and..
3. Oven = not working. This is no shocker. This thing is older than the invention of heat itself. I asked if it worked when we saw the place and was assured a resounding, 'Of course!' And I thought.. hmm.. we'll see. So amidst all the haggling of what they would and wouldn't replace before moving in - the downstairs carpet, no dishwasher, and after both those things WERE actually done, including a brand new sink and new counters we didn't even ask for, which I do appreciate by the way, and I wonder if we were in some crazy opposite world where 'No' means 'Yes', at least where carpet and new appliances are concerned, I am sorta surprised no one thought.. hey.. I bet this oven should hit the road too.. Yeah, not so much.. that would just be crazy talk.
So what do you think little, assertive and sometimes-bitchy-when-the-time-calls-for-it Angel did? I made a list. Ohhhhhh yes I did.. a big one. FOUR pages people - highlighting our favorites 1, 2, and 3 as stated above.. but making sure to say, um.. all these other things, yeah, still kinda important too... like.. um.. soon. And I taped the list onto the management property company's door this morning.
I was told later, 'The guys won't be coming today' by my roommate...
You know what's coming next, don't you? Miss D. is just getting warmed up and the matches are about ready to be lit under someone's ass.. Excuse me, Landmark? Yeah.. we need to talk... now.
I'M DONE MOVING PEOPLE!
This is not a test. There will be no more random internet solicitations for help with lifting large and inanimate pieces of furniture for small amounts of starchy sustinance in food or liquid form as payment. No, really.. it's COMPLETELY DONE! And this equals MUCH REJOICING!! WHOO HOO!
Yes, it's true. I can hardly believe it myself.. I've cleaned, I've packed and moved yet again and it's FINALLY. FUCKING. OVER. And it wasn't easy.. there were moments of frustration and just all out pain from being on my feet so long, words couldn't be combined into proper sentences, much dirt and stink acquired.. but it's at least over.
I took the day off Friday to do as much as I could alone, which let me say, was a lot. I made a good dent but couldn't get any of the big stuff. A friend helped with the bed that night when we then discovered *dun dun dun* um.. wow, this staircase is uh.. really narrow.. and actually.. hmm.. the only way we can fit the mattress upstairs to my room is to push it up vertically thru this 10 inch space - 10 INCHES PEOPLE - which BARELY fit and there was much grunting and heaving and pulling and panting.. and no one said EVER.. was it good for you? No.. that wasn't said at all! I didn't think any further that anything else but beds might have issues.. why didn't I think that? I don't know.. logic was very much not my friend til the next day.. and really I was still debating when the dresser that houses my cute, little pieces of clothing I WEAR would also not fit.. like up the stairs.. to where it should very much BE fitting! Ugh.. note to self: Need new dresser.. like something I have to BUILD from Ikea and um, LEAVE up there forever!
Anyway..
Saturday started to go well. I got up early, picked up one of the very nice friends from Tribe who offered to help, Ben, and then went to pick up many bagels ordered the night before (See? good plan, Angel, gooood plan!) to offer to all the helpers as gourmet and nourishing payment. Also, I took coffee orders.. oh, don't think I didn't.. before people will work in the morning on a dreary, but muggy Saturday for someone who's practically a complete stranger, they must be encouraged with round, flavored carbohydrates and litres of milky caffeinated beverages. And I provided them happily. Yes I did! Then Ben was dropped off to wait for anyone else who might arrive and my friend, Charlie, and I went to pick up the truck.
This is where things started to get ugly - but only on the inside cuz I was NOT about to let very grumpy ASSHOLES ruin my friggin PERFECT moving day.. no no.. I was calm thru the pissiness. It was a miracle cuz I should really warn you, there are PRICKS at Handy Andy. No.. Andy is NOT handy in my opinion.. Andy is a very RUDE guy I think.. if Andy was even there.. and if not, I bet he's just like the rest of his people with crappy attitudes and bad red neck hair.. I'm just betting.. I will not give them advertising tho, not putting a link to any possible website whatsoever. I will just say they are located near 107th on Aurora and they are ABSOLUTE JERKS who are MEAN and SNIDE and don't deserve anyone's money.. and that's fine cuz I will just pay more money for people at U-Haul or Budget to treat me a lot fucking better!
*ahem*
So we walk in and I let them know I have a reservation.. and they, right then, tell me I better have $150 allowable on my debit card as that's the deposit.. Um.. hey, they told me $20. I was very quickly told no, $150 is the right amount - course this guy, a real charmer I might add, also a mumbler and God, I HATE mumblers.. SPEAK THE FUCK UP OK? ANN-UNC-I-ATE already.. geez.. and I just said, 'oh, no one mentioned that when I called in to make the reservations.' Calmly. And Mr. I'm-just-standing-next-to-Mr.-Charmer-but-I-know-EVERYTHING butted in and snapped, 'He JUST told you!' And in my head I said 'Uh.. ok.. everything ok at home Buddy? Failing that anger management course are you?' But I didn't.. however, I had to say something.. HAD to cuz I WORK in customer care and people, that ain't it. So it just came out.. 'Wow, your customer care sucks, doesn't it?' in a very blunt and oh-so-direct-but-again-CALM manner. Mr. Charmer just looked at me and mumbly-like asked me to 'sign here' and then directed me outside to someone who realized consonants were invented for USING.. and gave me keys. Lovely. THANK YOU.. Fuck..
After THAT b.s. - Charlie and I drove both vehicles back and when I walked into the soon-to-be old place, like 15 really great people were sitting around munching on treats and drinking the orange juice and it was a friggin PARTY! I almost did my happy dance and almost, ALMOST forgot about the really MEAN MEAN ASSHOLES at Handy Andy's. And we moved.. they picked up whatever they could find, put it in the truck rather Tetris-like and were actually pretty darn happy about helping. And thus, so was I! And when everything was loaded, I remembered the best part: BEER!
Among items of nourishment to provide to strangers who help you move, beer is the most important item you can't forget. No, you cannot. Seriously.
So the beer was put into a vehicle to be opened at new place amidst all the moving in.. and when we were all finished, or at least, almost and just needed rest, said beer was thusly opened and drank and many 'ahhs' and much lamenting over stupid STUPID Handy Andy and other sad tales of moving woe shared. It was fucking beautiful!
Goodbyes and thank you's were given to all the Tribers who came to my rescue and off I went to the very not so fun place of Handy Andy's to return their lousy truck. Like I was going to STEAL it or something.. like I LIKE to move.. just do it for a fucking LIVING or something.. IDIOTS.. Here's your damn truck back, is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. No, kept it to a minimal 'thank you', uttered as kindly as possible, which I wanted to change to 'fuck you' but they did have my credit card number.
And then - I had to clean. Oh. My. God. I emerged 4 (yes that's FOUR) hours later from the abode in which I lived for 16 (that's SIXTEEN!) days only.. and I told the guys I'll clean the top floor if you do the bottom. Mind you, I have no deposit of which to receive back, so why this insane act of delirium? I don't know. Someone had to.. it was soooooo bad. I'm sure you don't believe me.. but as an example, I had to PRE-SWEEP the kitchen before the actual sweeping happened.. Yes, really.. I'm so not kidding. And there was still the living and dining rooms, the bathroom and all 3 upstairs bedrooms. I didn't clean when I lived there cuz I knew I was only staying a short time and I didn't want to have to do it twice. And maybe there are filthier people out there.. but um, I don't know where.
So the worst part is over.. I think.. um.. maybe.. Holly and I are moved in and still have a ton of unpacking to do, managing the maze of boxes, trying to find the one thing we absolutely need and is buried.. somewhere.. hmm.. not there.. no, not there either.. crap. But there are many many MANY issues with the new house. Oh here let me list them.
1. ANTS - as in EW!
We have an extra room upstairs with a skylight.. it's so cute and funky.. and there's this red dust on the floor just underneath and where's it coming from and OHMYFUCKINGGOD*asIcantgetfarenoughaway*WHATSONTHEWALL?!?! Yeah. Like BIG ones.. just.. crowded around this one corner, hanging out.. Blech!! *shivers*
2. Toilet leak - uh yeah.. the guys changed out some parts.. and maybe didn't like um.. check to see they did it COMPLETELY? It's only a slow leak.. but you know, I'm sorta PAYING for that water now.. hellooo?
and..
3. Oven = not working. This is no shocker. This thing is older than the invention of heat itself. I asked if it worked when we saw the place and was assured a resounding, 'Of course!' And I thought.. hmm.. we'll see. So amidst all the haggling of what they would and wouldn't replace before moving in - the downstairs carpet, no dishwasher, and after both those things WERE actually done, including a brand new sink and new counters we didn't even ask for, which I do appreciate by the way, and I wonder if we were in some crazy opposite world where 'No' means 'Yes', at least where carpet and new appliances are concerned, I am sorta surprised no one thought.. hey.. I bet this oven should hit the road too.. Yeah, not so much.. that would just be crazy talk.
So what do you think little, assertive and sometimes-bitchy-when-the-time-calls-for-it Angel did? I made a list. Ohhhhhh yes I did.. a big one. FOUR pages people - highlighting our favorites 1, 2, and 3 as stated above.. but making sure to say, um.. all these other things, yeah, still kinda important too... like.. um.. soon. And I taped the list onto the management property company's door this morning.
I was told later, 'The guys won't be coming today' by my roommate...
You know what's coming next, don't you? Miss D. is just getting warmed up and the matches are about ready to be lit under someone's ass.. Excuse me, Landmark? Yeah.. we need to talk... now.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
God likes voodoo dolls.. no really!
So I think God is out to get me. I just get this feeling I'm not on His 'favorites' list anymore. Maybe not my biggest fan. Yeah, not so much.. I mean, because of my name I have this thing for God, the devil, and all things of that nature. My moniker is just a play off of my name, or the opposite of my name and I don't mean anything by it..really God, NOTHING..it's a joke.. you know jokes, right? And I know I've got a mouth like a sailor, but you'd think, hey, He invented language, He's certainly heard everything under the sun, um.. literally, and God's been around a looooooong time. I'm betting He doesn't shock easily..
But I imagine Him up there, in Heaven, where God is supposed to be, and getting bored with hearing the same old choirs of angels He's heard since oh, the beginning of time, and wondering why the hell the angel Michael doesn't just change it up a bit - add in some funk or some J. Timberlake - he's got some moves you know, but Michael gets snippy when anyone asks for requests. So God is just sitting there, unsatisfied, and then He remembers His voodoo doll. Yes I said it. His voodoo doll. What, you don't think God believes in voodoo? How do you know? He does, ok?! And He calls over St. Peter and shows him this little voodoo doll, which He quickly labels with my name and says, 'Hey Pete, get a load of this!' and then stabs me violently in the nose and throat and you know what? He gives me a cold.. a big ol stinking - well not that I can really smell anything - coughing, aching, sneezing COLD. Meanie.
You'd think with a name like Angel I'd have the best 'in'.. like, forever. Not that He owes me anything.. not saying that, God. Just.. you know, saying.. I mean, we, meaning God and I, should have a special relationship...where He'd look upon me with a fondness like few others, like Jesus, or close to it.. like if Jesus had a baby sister.. or.. something. I mean, 'angel' means messenger of God for chrissakes.. so um.. where are my friggin messages?? Don't tell me it's in this little cold You sent me cuz all THAT clearly says to me is 'hey, better find the Kleenex and the Alka Seltzer Liqui-gels!'
And I'm sure You think this is all very funny.. yeah yeah, I can hear You snickering up there.. You know, You should take that act on the road.. no, really, not kidding. You're hysterical. Seriously.
God knows this is my week of rest.. the only one I've had in ages and you'd think even He would be getting tired of my whining - but um, apparently not. It's getting down to the wire and the days of the LAST MOVE OF MY LIFE this month are quickly approaching - like TOMORROW - and He AFFLICTS me with a friggin cold. Like I don't have a big enough cross to bear or anything! I know, I know.. there's a parable I read once (probably in some Christian related propaganda like oh, in the days I was forced to go to church cuz I was small and didn't know Catholics are um.. hypocritical at best, but that's another story), about a man who prayed to God saying his cross was too heavy and he couldn't bear it any longer. So God, being His loving and compassionate self, answered his prayers and offered the man another cross of his choosing. The man was very relieved, of course. So God took the man to where all the crosses were - possibly blindfolded and to some undisclosed location I'm sure cuz God doesn't want just anyone knowing where the crosses are kept.. cuz then there'd be stealing and black market prices and suddenly crosses would be the thing and Paris Hilton would have to have one.. and that'd be some sort of blasphemy.. or anarchy.. and He'd have to send us swarms of locusts and frog rain and somewhere there'd be a bake sale and a pancake breakfast.. and well, you get the picture.
So, my point.. and I DO have one.. so be quiet.. is that this cute little man is shown the room with all the crosses and sees this tiny one, way in the back corner. He points to it and tells God, 'That one, that's the one I'd like.' God, all parental and understanding, then lays the obvious on the poor sap and tells him, 'That's the one you just brought in.'
Isn't that a wonderful story? Doesn't it just warm your friggin HEART?? Didn't you just learn a BIG lesson right THERE in those LITTLE WORDS?? I know, you did, didn't you? Of course.. cuz God is great and good and kind and loving and omni-allkindsofthings.. and I would agree with ALL of that. Really I do God.. true story! But then why strike me down, right when I'm trying so very hard to pick myself back up, and You pick on the very tiny and cute and big-eyed sweeter than all that's sweet Angel and give me a friggin COLD?? Why? Why?? Right in the middle of all the very very important things I HAVE to do??
[silence]
Yes.. all those were rhetorical.. right..
See? He just gives me the silent treatment thinking that I'll figure it out I guess. It's not like I won't.. cuz it's not like He made me stupid or anything.. just you know, absent-minded sometimes.. and clumsy.. but maybe we need some family counseling to open the lines of communication. Maybe a night of seances or deep entrancing meditation or, I don't know.. maybe TALKING IN TONGUES WITH SNAKES to get thru to Him?? Cuz I tell you, the kicking, screaming, and crying til I'm blue in the face is definitely not working. Yeah, all my usual tactics don't work on God.. I, um, think He can see thru them. Unlike my mother.. whining does wonders with her if I lay the groundwork juuuuust right. Oh, don't look at me like that.. if you only knew my mother - trust me, I'm owed a tad bit of spoiling for some friggin talented whining.
But fear not (cuz I'm sure you were just sitting there, shaking in terror for my very life, right, right), I'm calm, I will not worry, I will prevail, I will TRIUMPH! I uh, sorta have no choice. Tomorrow will come, meds will be swallowed (I swear, that Alka Seltzer Liqui-gel stuff, if you can find it, works like a charm, tho you'll be a tad loopy - but hey, a pain-free noggin and actual BREATHING are good!), and boxes will again be loaded and unloaded, walked up and down 83-THOUSAND stairs and out of and into strange and new and soon-to-be-old places.
And tho irritated by this maddening situation, don't think I'm not grateful for this new place and (crosses fingers) great new roommates and all the yucky that happened that led me to this new and better situation. Really. Soooo thankful! Like BURSTING with heaps and heaps of appreciation! Honest! But um.. God? Yeah, just one thing.. um.. will You please PLEASE, put the doll down now?
But I imagine Him up there, in Heaven, where God is supposed to be, and getting bored with hearing the same old choirs of angels He's heard since oh, the beginning of time, and wondering why the hell the angel Michael doesn't just change it up a bit - add in some funk or some J. Timberlake - he's got some moves you know, but Michael gets snippy when anyone asks for requests. So God is just sitting there, unsatisfied, and then He remembers His voodoo doll. Yes I said it. His voodoo doll. What, you don't think God believes in voodoo? How do you know? He does, ok?! And He calls over St. Peter and shows him this little voodoo doll, which He quickly labels with my name and says, 'Hey Pete, get a load of this!' and then stabs me violently in the nose and throat and you know what? He gives me a cold.. a big ol stinking - well not that I can really smell anything - coughing, aching, sneezing COLD. Meanie.
You'd think with a name like Angel I'd have the best 'in'.. like, forever. Not that He owes me anything.. not saying that, God. Just.. you know, saying.. I mean, we, meaning God and I, should have a special relationship...where He'd look upon me with a fondness like few others, like Jesus, or close to it.. like if Jesus had a baby sister.. or.. something. I mean, 'angel' means messenger of God for chrissakes.. so um.. where are my friggin messages?? Don't tell me it's in this little cold You sent me cuz all THAT clearly says to me is 'hey, better find the Kleenex and the Alka Seltzer Liqui-gels!'
And I'm sure You think this is all very funny.. yeah yeah, I can hear You snickering up there.. You know, You should take that act on the road.. no, really, not kidding. You're hysterical. Seriously.
God knows this is my week of rest.. the only one I've had in ages and you'd think even He would be getting tired of my whining - but um, apparently not. It's getting down to the wire and the days of the LAST MOVE OF MY LIFE this month are quickly approaching - like TOMORROW - and He AFFLICTS me with a friggin cold. Like I don't have a big enough cross to bear or anything! I know, I know.. there's a parable I read once (probably in some Christian related propaganda like oh, in the days I was forced to go to church cuz I was small and didn't know Catholics are um.. hypocritical at best, but that's another story), about a man who prayed to God saying his cross was too heavy and he couldn't bear it any longer. So God, being His loving and compassionate self, answered his prayers and offered the man another cross of his choosing. The man was very relieved, of course. So God took the man to where all the crosses were - possibly blindfolded and to some undisclosed location I'm sure cuz God doesn't want just anyone knowing where the crosses are kept.. cuz then there'd be stealing and black market prices and suddenly crosses would be the thing and Paris Hilton would have to have one.. and that'd be some sort of blasphemy.. or anarchy.. and He'd have to send us swarms of locusts and frog rain and somewhere there'd be a bake sale and a pancake breakfast.. and well, you get the picture.
So, my point.. and I DO have one.. so be quiet.. is that this cute little man is shown the room with all the crosses and sees this tiny one, way in the back corner. He points to it and tells God, 'That one, that's the one I'd like.' God, all parental and understanding, then lays the obvious on the poor sap and tells him, 'That's the one you just brought in.'
Isn't that a wonderful story? Doesn't it just warm your friggin HEART?? Didn't you just learn a BIG lesson right THERE in those LITTLE WORDS?? I know, you did, didn't you? Of course.. cuz God is great and good and kind and loving and omni-allkindsofthings.. and I would agree with ALL of that. Really I do God.. true story! But then why strike me down, right when I'm trying so very hard to pick myself back up, and You pick on the very tiny and cute and big-eyed sweeter than all that's sweet Angel and give me a friggin COLD?? Why? Why?? Right in the middle of all the very very important things I HAVE to do??
[silence]
Yes.. all those were rhetorical.. right..
See? He just gives me the silent treatment thinking that I'll figure it out I guess. It's not like I won't.. cuz it's not like He made me stupid or anything.. just you know, absent-minded sometimes.. and clumsy.. but maybe we need some family counseling to open the lines of communication. Maybe a night of seances or deep entrancing meditation or, I don't know.. maybe TALKING IN TONGUES WITH SNAKES to get thru to Him?? Cuz I tell you, the kicking, screaming, and crying til I'm blue in the face is definitely not working. Yeah, all my usual tactics don't work on God.. I, um, think He can see thru them. Unlike my mother.. whining does wonders with her if I lay the groundwork juuuuust right. Oh, don't look at me like that.. if you only knew my mother - trust me, I'm owed a tad bit of spoiling for some friggin talented whining.
But fear not (cuz I'm sure you were just sitting there, shaking in terror for my very life, right, right), I'm calm, I will not worry, I will prevail, I will TRIUMPH! I uh, sorta have no choice. Tomorrow will come, meds will be swallowed (I swear, that Alka Seltzer Liqui-gel stuff, if you can find it, works like a charm, tho you'll be a tad loopy - but hey, a pain-free noggin and actual BREATHING are good!), and boxes will again be loaded and unloaded, walked up and down 83-THOUSAND stairs and out of and into strange and new and soon-to-be-old places.
And tho irritated by this maddening situation, don't think I'm not grateful for this new place and (crosses fingers) great new roommates and all the yucky that happened that led me to this new and better situation. Really. Soooo thankful! Like BURSTING with heaps and heaps of appreciation! Honest! But um.. God? Yeah, just one thing.. um.. will You please PLEASE, put the doll down now?
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
The Words Don't Exist
I heard it on the news yesterday morning and didn't really think much of it. Three climbers were killed in a landslide in the North Cascade mountains in an area called Sharkfin Tower about 90 miles northeast of Seattle. There were six of them.. the fourth is still in serious condition with head wounds from the rocks and amazingly, two of them were left completely unscathed. It's sad, but it didn't affect me. I came to work and plowed thru the first part of my morning when I got an email from one of my best friends, Loren. His office was shaken by this very story because one of the climbers killed was the husband of his co-worker and friend, Lori.
I mention this because Saturday Lori, the brunette in the middle, and Loren, along with their other close co-worker, Jenny, went sky diving. It was Jenny's idea, but Lori convinced Loren to do it... and don't they look excited here? This is the 'before' shot. I saw the video - I was nervous for them just watching it - after it was all over! But when he called to tell me that's what they were doing on Saturday I was like.. uh.. are you sure you want to jump out of an airplane??! 
Hello.. like, THOUSANDS of feet of um.. just AIR below you.. and oh LAND IS VERY FAR DOWN! But he couldn't be persuaded otherwise and I was listed as the 'emergency contact'.. just in case. The agreement was he'd call me afterwards to definitively say that no, in fact, he hadn't died. And yes, phew, they all made it thru, invigorated and proud of themselves as you can see right here. Doesn't Loren look gay boy hot in that suit?!
When he sent me the news yesterday morning, this story I have nothing to do with and which shouldn't really affect me, focused in very fast and I started to cry. All I could think about was this wonderful day three friends had together and how one would have no possible idea she would lose her husband the next day to such a tragedy. I mean, how could she? How could any of us?
When I was 23 I was finishing up my last straggling term in the fall at what is now Southern Oregon University. My friend, Nic, had transferred to Humboldt State in Arcada, California to finish his degree the year before. We'd met my sophomore year and dated a little, but I soon realized he was a bit of a player and we actually later ended up being roommates and much better friends. Our other friends thought it funny cuz they could give him advice or criticism and he'd be fine. But if I did the same thing, didn't matter what I said or how I said it, it had the opposite effect and pissed him off. I could make him mad like nobody else. In my own defense, he usually had the same effect on me. We always made up tho cuz no matter what, we really had a great love for each other as friends in spite of how stubborn we both were. He called me Angelica.. he was the only one who did and it always made me blush.
So one evening, at the end of November, I called Nic to check on him and his roommate answered. He said Nic had gone to Portland for his mother's funeral. I was shocked. He hadn't called to say anything and I was also confused. He and his real mother had always had a tense relationship and when he'd mention her, which wasn't often, I got the feeling he wasn't proud of her. But he adored his step-mother, with whom he was very close. The roommate quickly confirmed it was his real mother who'd been hit by a car and killed while crossing the street and my heart just broke for Nic. I knew this would be really hard for him. He had some unresolved issues with his mom and the one time we met up with her together, I could tell it was awkward for him. I don't know how many of his friends actually met his mother before. I was pretty sure not many. In his opinion, she had made some poor life choices for herself that included drugs, the wrong kind of men, etc. But he had to drop by for some reason and during that we decided to grab some food together. At the table, she called him Nicki and I couldn't help but crack up. It was the cutest thing ever and I could see him soften when she did it tho he quickly told me that I was the only witness to ever hear that and he very clearly didn't want me to repeat it. I knew he loved her, that was obvious. It was just complicated.. like most relationships are..
Nic's roommate said he should be back in about five or six days. For some reason, I asked about his dog, Storm, but the roommate said Nic had left in such a rush, he'd left the dog at home. This struck me as odd cuz he took Storm with him everywhere. I expected him to call on his way home at least and say he was stopping by to crash or say hello quickly since Ashland was on the way south and hoped I could offer some support. But I also knew he was working on a class project - a film in which one of our friends and former roommates, Keith, had participated and Nic needed to get back to finish.
About five or six days later, I did get a call, but it was from Keith. I was so happy to hear from him and since he wasn't living in Ashland anymore either and thought it must be to announce a pending visit. I noticed quickly, after my excited puppy dog greeting, that his voice was somber and he wasn't saying a lot. I asked what was wrong and the next words out of his mouth caused a big earthquake in my little world. He had some bad news to tell me. Nic had been on his way home from Portland after his mother's funeral, just about 25 miles out of Arcada, when he'd fallen asleep at the wheel of his VW van and hit a tree. He died instantly.
What happened after that is hard to describe and you can't understand unless you've lost someone close to you - not that you need to. Everyone goes thru something different. You have no control over the shock that sets in and probably don't even know it has. You feel like you're suddenly under water or in a quicksand sort of air that is holding all your limbs from moving any faster than slow motion. You feel everything and nothing all at once. You can't breathe, but somehow, you are. The auto-pilot feature we're all inherently built with comes in handy in situations like this. I still, of course, asked Keith to repeat what he'd just said as I was certain I'd heard it incorrectly and when he confirmed I wasn't wrong, I think I lost all feeling in my body and just collapsed to the floor. It probably seems like it took a lot of time, but it was all in a matter of seconds.
I don't know if anything can put things in perspective more than death and how it affects your life. Of course, it's a part of life, but it's certainly one of the most difficult obstacles we face, in my opinion. The loss of my friend is certainly not recent, but it binds me in a strange way to others when they lose someone they love, suddenly or not cuz I can relate to it immediately. The sudden ones are harder to understand especially when there was so much more life to be lived for those who are now gone. My friends and I still think if Nic had only taken the dog with him he would've made a few more stops on the way and been more alert.. and probably would've avoided his fatal accident. At his mother's funeral, Nic's father said tho he and Nic's mom didn't work out, the one thing he was grateful to her for was Nic. It's just not fair that 6 days later Nic was gone as well. Absolutely not fair. But I don't know of any better way to be human than to break down during such a loss or to show compassion and offer support to someone who's going thru it. The loss in London, Lori's husband, and also recently, my friend Jody's mother, who suddenly became ill and passed away as well.. to me, this is massive, tho people die every day.. but maybe just recently it's seemed to happen all at once and all I can think of to say is how sorry I am - and that can't possibly encompass everything I mean, but the words simply don't exist.
I think if you love those around you as much as you possibly can, even with all your faults, that's still enough and that's all that should matter.
To Lori, Jody, and all those who've lost someone recently including those in London, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I mention this because Saturday Lori, the brunette in the middle, and Loren, along with their other close co-worker, Jenny, went sky diving. It was Jenny's idea, but Lori convinced Loren to do it... and don't they look excited here? This is the 'before' shot. I saw the video - I was nervous for them just watching it - after it was all over! But when he called to tell me that's what they were doing on Saturday I was like.. uh.. are you sure you want to jump out of an airplane??! 
Hello.. like, THOUSANDS of feet of um.. just AIR below you.. and oh LAND IS VERY FAR DOWN! But he couldn't be persuaded otherwise and I was listed as the 'emergency contact'.. just in case. The agreement was he'd call me afterwards to definitively say that no, in fact, he hadn't died. And yes, phew, they all made it thru, invigorated and proud of themselves as you can see right here. Doesn't Loren look gay boy hot in that suit?!When he sent me the news yesterday morning, this story I have nothing to do with and which shouldn't really affect me, focused in very fast and I started to cry. All I could think about was this wonderful day three friends had together and how one would have no possible idea she would lose her husband the next day to such a tragedy. I mean, how could she? How could any of us?
When I was 23 I was finishing up my last straggling term in the fall at what is now Southern Oregon University. My friend, Nic, had transferred to Humboldt State in Arcada, California to finish his degree the year before. We'd met my sophomore year and dated a little, but I soon realized he was a bit of a player and we actually later ended up being roommates and much better friends. Our other friends thought it funny cuz they could give him advice or criticism and he'd be fine. But if I did the same thing, didn't matter what I said or how I said it, it had the opposite effect and pissed him off. I could make him mad like nobody else. In my own defense, he usually had the same effect on me. We always made up tho cuz no matter what, we really had a great love for each other as friends in spite of how stubborn we both were. He called me Angelica.. he was the only one who did and it always made me blush.
So one evening, at the end of November, I called Nic to check on him and his roommate answered. He said Nic had gone to Portland for his mother's funeral. I was shocked. He hadn't called to say anything and I was also confused. He and his real mother had always had a tense relationship and when he'd mention her, which wasn't often, I got the feeling he wasn't proud of her. But he adored his step-mother, with whom he was very close. The roommate quickly confirmed it was his real mother who'd been hit by a car and killed while crossing the street and my heart just broke for Nic. I knew this would be really hard for him. He had some unresolved issues with his mom and the one time we met up with her together, I could tell it was awkward for him. I don't know how many of his friends actually met his mother before. I was pretty sure not many. In his opinion, she had made some poor life choices for herself that included drugs, the wrong kind of men, etc. But he had to drop by for some reason and during that we decided to grab some food together. At the table, she called him Nicki and I couldn't help but crack up. It was the cutest thing ever and I could see him soften when she did it tho he quickly told me that I was the only witness to ever hear that and he very clearly didn't want me to repeat it. I knew he loved her, that was obvious. It was just complicated.. like most relationships are..
Nic's roommate said he should be back in about five or six days. For some reason, I asked about his dog, Storm, but the roommate said Nic had left in such a rush, he'd left the dog at home. This struck me as odd cuz he took Storm with him everywhere. I expected him to call on his way home at least and say he was stopping by to crash or say hello quickly since Ashland was on the way south and hoped I could offer some support. But I also knew he was working on a class project - a film in which one of our friends and former roommates, Keith, had participated and Nic needed to get back to finish.
About five or six days later, I did get a call, but it was from Keith. I was so happy to hear from him and since he wasn't living in Ashland anymore either and thought it must be to announce a pending visit. I noticed quickly, after my excited puppy dog greeting, that his voice was somber and he wasn't saying a lot. I asked what was wrong and the next words out of his mouth caused a big earthquake in my little world. He had some bad news to tell me. Nic had been on his way home from Portland after his mother's funeral, just about 25 miles out of Arcada, when he'd fallen asleep at the wheel of his VW van and hit a tree. He died instantly.
What happened after that is hard to describe and you can't understand unless you've lost someone close to you - not that you need to. Everyone goes thru something different. You have no control over the shock that sets in and probably don't even know it has. You feel like you're suddenly under water or in a quicksand sort of air that is holding all your limbs from moving any faster than slow motion. You feel everything and nothing all at once. You can't breathe, but somehow, you are. The auto-pilot feature we're all inherently built with comes in handy in situations like this. I still, of course, asked Keith to repeat what he'd just said as I was certain I'd heard it incorrectly and when he confirmed I wasn't wrong, I think I lost all feeling in my body and just collapsed to the floor. It probably seems like it took a lot of time, but it was all in a matter of seconds.
I don't know if anything can put things in perspective more than death and how it affects your life. Of course, it's a part of life, but it's certainly one of the most difficult obstacles we face, in my opinion. The loss of my friend is certainly not recent, but it binds me in a strange way to others when they lose someone they love, suddenly or not cuz I can relate to it immediately. The sudden ones are harder to understand especially when there was so much more life to be lived for those who are now gone. My friends and I still think if Nic had only taken the dog with him he would've made a few more stops on the way and been more alert.. and probably would've avoided his fatal accident. At his mother's funeral, Nic's father said tho he and Nic's mom didn't work out, the one thing he was grateful to her for was Nic. It's just not fair that 6 days later Nic was gone as well. Absolutely not fair. But I don't know of any better way to be human than to break down during such a loss or to show compassion and offer support to someone who's going thru it. The loss in London, Lori's husband, and also recently, my friend Jody's mother, who suddenly became ill and passed away as well.. to me, this is massive, tho people die every day.. but maybe just recently it's seemed to happen all at once and all I can think of to say is how sorry I am - and that can't possibly encompass everything I mean, but the words simply don't exist.
I think if you love those around you as much as you possibly can, even with all your faults, that's still enough and that's all that should matter.
To Lori, Jody, and all those who've lost someone recently including those in London, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Thought process
Ahh.. the calm before the storm.. and here I am trying to actually enjoy the weekend. I even went to a movie! Can you believe it?! No life drama, no fighting amongst people I call friends, no packing, no cleaning - NOTHING. Just drove to a movie with a girlfriend. And NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.
This scares me.
I've been going non-stop for about 3 weeks now. I mean, I'm NEVER this busy or this stressed. Usually, when I run into a string of bad luck, a few incidences seem to indicate a pattern occuring and I think to myself.. ok, hopefully things will turn around for the better soon. I'll get thru this. But this particular string of one thing after another just kept going up til last Tuesday at least when I realized at 5:15pm that I didn't have my car keys.
Let me just say, this car is of the newer sort.. less than 5 years old and with it came some handy beepy reminders to prevent things just like this.. cuz tho I have a sharp memory for the pissy comment you might've said while we were arguing and can recite it word for word and with the correct tone, I will still forget my coffee before heading out the door in the morning.. or my lunch or laptop, etc.. So these beepy reminders are of great necessity and because of them I've never left the lights on or locked the keys in the car - ok, well, almost never. The beepy thing doesn't work if I leave the keys on the passenger seat or half way pulled out of the ignition - like this time. *Sigh*
Upon walking to the lot, I see the keys thru the car window, just mocking me while hanging ever so slightly but firmly in the ignition..where they had been since 8am that morning. Twenty minutes standing around looking like an idiot, two minutes of actual work by the 12-year-old tow driver who came and broke into my car, and $50 later, I was shaking my head going.. stupid stupid stupid..
But you have to understand, I'm SO tired. My memory and motor skills are taking a hit.. it's like watching a car slowly start to malfunction - one light at a time comes on indicating a problem, then another and another.. til it just grinds to a debilitating halt... or, as in my case, til I can barely stand up any longer and my eyes slam shut for 24 full hours as the body rejects doing anything further - thanks for playing, take your lovely consolation prizes at the door, we must really close now, no really, get out.. and I'm horizontal in dreamy unconsciousness.
I mean, work was a joke this week. It was like the special Olympics trying to make it thru with me as the underdog competitor with the most maladies. I was making error after error on the computer at work and I type 85+ wpm.. nothing record breaking, but it's decent and I couldn't seem to find my groove of getting thru emails and simple data entry. I felt like I had two left hands with all thumbs. I multi-task all day with at least 15 to 20 little windows minimized at a time and moving around getting my work done smoothly. So this strange and advanced stage of Alzheimer's I'd suddently been plagued with at 33 uh..sorta threw me. I actually lost my train of thought in the middle of sentences.. like, words just stopped, I forgot what I was saying completely and would receive the strangest looks from my co-workers. At least three times on Wednesday I noticed I'd bring up a window and I'd forget why. I had to keep going back thru my last steps and I watched my productivity plummet to sub-par. I realized I had to consciously battle to get thru the days and when 5pm finally came around on Friday I did my little happy dance - except, only virtually cuz really, there was no way in hell I had any energy to actually stand up and wiggle joyfully - not that I didn't want to, but you can't do the happy dance half-assed.. you understand. I instead opted for a simple and relieved smile and I left the office in exhausted bliss..
On the way home the world couldn't have been more beautiful. I was sitting there thinking of the plans for the weekend and my recent worries: a meeting with an almost entirely broken up friend to see if we can repair things or at least clear the air, brunch with one of the gays of our lives I adore, the ex I had a disagreement with over the phone last week, the fact my most recent ex emailed when I thought he wanted nothing to do with me and trying not to be thrown by the memories that brought back, the fight with a friend in BC over pictures she didn't like but which I didn't have time to delete when I was working to excess and moving at the same time, and oh yeah.. dealing with moving AGAIN and how I'm going to get enough people to help me one more time next weekend, etc.. when I just noticed the sky. One side towards the U-district was the darkest and deepest indigo and from there as my eyes went west, it blended all the way thru to the lighter hues to the most perfect swimming-pool blue-green with the moon just a tiny sliver and I think Venus at an angle just diagonal from it. God.. it was absolutely stunning and I wanted to just sit in that for a moment... I thought you know, things are going to be ok. I have my health, I have enough money to get by, people who love me, and I should be grateful. My heart cracked at the thought of the loss of life in London so recently and how frightened they must be just getting to work and back. I have no troubles compared to that and it humbled me.
I have a small tattoo on my left shoulder that means 'strong heart' in Chinese and it's there for when I go thru times like these - to remind me to stop whining, don't make things bigger than they are or harder than they need to be and I'll be fine. Well.. once I get some sleep, which let me say, is a wonderous thing and is something I plan to get a lot of this weekend. I'll rest and relax to the fullest extent possible without going full on Rumplestiltskin (tho the thought of that is sooooo nice..) and break down the mountain of complications into manageable chunks, dealing with the issues as they come, one at a time.
Bring 'em on.. uh..after my nap, thank you..
This scares me.
I've been going non-stop for about 3 weeks now. I mean, I'm NEVER this busy or this stressed. Usually, when I run into a string of bad luck, a few incidences seem to indicate a pattern occuring and I think to myself.. ok, hopefully things will turn around for the better soon. I'll get thru this. But this particular string of one thing after another just kept going up til last Tuesday at least when I realized at 5:15pm that I didn't have my car keys.
Let me just say, this car is of the newer sort.. less than 5 years old and with it came some handy beepy reminders to prevent things just like this.. cuz tho I have a sharp memory for the pissy comment you might've said while we were arguing and can recite it word for word and with the correct tone, I will still forget my coffee before heading out the door in the morning.. or my lunch or laptop, etc.. So these beepy reminders are of great necessity and because of them I've never left the lights on or locked the keys in the car - ok, well, almost never. The beepy thing doesn't work if I leave the keys on the passenger seat or half way pulled out of the ignition - like this time. *Sigh*
Upon walking to the lot, I see the keys thru the car window, just mocking me while hanging ever so slightly but firmly in the ignition..where they had been since 8am that morning. Twenty minutes standing around looking like an idiot, two minutes of actual work by the 12-year-old tow driver who came and broke into my car, and $50 later, I was shaking my head going.. stupid stupid stupid..
But you have to understand, I'm SO tired. My memory and motor skills are taking a hit.. it's like watching a car slowly start to malfunction - one light at a time comes on indicating a problem, then another and another.. til it just grinds to a debilitating halt... or, as in my case, til I can barely stand up any longer and my eyes slam shut for 24 full hours as the body rejects doing anything further - thanks for playing, take your lovely consolation prizes at the door, we must really close now, no really, get out.. and I'm horizontal in dreamy unconsciousness.
I mean, work was a joke this week. It was like the special Olympics trying to make it thru with me as the underdog competitor with the most maladies. I was making error after error on the computer at work and I type 85+ wpm.. nothing record breaking, but it's decent and I couldn't seem to find my groove of getting thru emails and simple data entry. I felt like I had two left hands with all thumbs. I multi-task all day with at least 15 to 20 little windows minimized at a time and moving around getting my work done smoothly. So this strange and advanced stage of Alzheimer's I'd suddently been plagued with at 33 uh..sorta threw me. I actually lost my train of thought in the middle of sentences.. like, words just stopped, I forgot what I was saying completely and would receive the strangest looks from my co-workers. At least three times on Wednesday I noticed I'd bring up a window and I'd forget why. I had to keep going back thru my last steps and I watched my productivity plummet to sub-par. I realized I had to consciously battle to get thru the days and when 5pm finally came around on Friday I did my little happy dance - except, only virtually cuz really, there was no way in hell I had any energy to actually stand up and wiggle joyfully - not that I didn't want to, but you can't do the happy dance half-assed.. you understand. I instead opted for a simple and relieved smile and I left the office in exhausted bliss..
On the way home the world couldn't have been more beautiful. I was sitting there thinking of the plans for the weekend and my recent worries: a meeting with an almost entirely broken up friend to see if we can repair things or at least clear the air, brunch with one of the gays of our lives I adore, the ex I had a disagreement with over the phone last week, the fact my most recent ex emailed when I thought he wanted nothing to do with me and trying not to be thrown by the memories that brought back, the fight with a friend in BC over pictures she didn't like but which I didn't have time to delete when I was working to excess and moving at the same time, and oh yeah.. dealing with moving AGAIN and how I'm going to get enough people to help me one more time next weekend, etc.. when I just noticed the sky. One side towards the U-district was the darkest and deepest indigo and from there as my eyes went west, it blended all the way thru to the lighter hues to the most perfect swimming-pool blue-green with the moon just a tiny sliver and I think Venus at an angle just diagonal from it. God.. it was absolutely stunning and I wanted to just sit in that for a moment... I thought you know, things are going to be ok. I have my health, I have enough money to get by, people who love me, and I should be grateful. My heart cracked at the thought of the loss of life in London so recently and how frightened they must be just getting to work and back. I have no troubles compared to that and it humbled me.
I have a small tattoo on my left shoulder that means 'strong heart' in Chinese and it's there for when I go thru times like these - to remind me to stop whining, don't make things bigger than they are or harder than they need to be and I'll be fine. Well.. once I get some sleep, which let me say, is a wonderous thing and is something I plan to get a lot of this weekend. I'll rest and relax to the fullest extent possible without going full on Rumplestiltskin (tho the thought of that is sooooo nice..) and break down the mountain of complications into manageable chunks, dealing with the issues as they come, one at a time.
Bring 'em on.. uh..after my nap, thank you..
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Out of the frying pan..and damn, where did I pack that?!
Did I say I hated moving? I think that was a misunderstanding. I love moving! LOVE it!! In fact, I love it SO much, I think I'll continue to do it for the rest of July! Yes I will! Just for fun even! Don't think I won't!
**Please note: All words above are written by yours truly who's gone completely delirious from lack of sleep, lack of respect, lack of power to do ANYTHING about the fact that yes, she will be moving AGAIN and BEFORE THIS MONTH IS OVER - actually, IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!**
I'm crazy. I'm going insane. No really. It's a fun place. Certainly funner (yes I said 'funner' and yes I KNOW it's not grammatically correct - but do you really want to push a crazy person??! I didn't think so.) than real life where I am right now.
I'll try to be brief: New roommate, Sunny, oy - if he wasn't so damn cut and strong I would try to strangle him! Not that I could, being my weak-ass self..but I'm a scrapper - he'd at least have some serious bruises on his shins. But he LIED to the landlady.. LIED! Why do men insist on stretching the truth? It never works.. just be a friggin man already. And I talked to her cuz he kept whining too damn much - such a boy. She dug me, thought I was a quality gal without me having to convince her specifically - I gots skilz yo.. I tell you, she was impressed and tho frustrated with him, satisfied I wasn't playing games with her especially when I told her about my cat, Emma, whom, according to the lease, she DOESN'T ALLOW, not that I knew that, but she gracefully added her to my temp lease she sent later just cuz I'm so friggin great and honest AND she isn't some cold and heartless bitch who throws a girl out on her ass like uh, the day she moves in. *Sigh of relief that THAT is taken care of.. phew!*
NOW.. onto the other issues: The Sunny of said thoughts in my head having to do with strangulation blurts out last night that this oil heating costs so much now having to only split it amongst the three of us. After a bit of discussion, I'm educated, having never lived in a house with oil heating, that the lovely oil providers bill every single month for the oil-giving because apparently, it's FUCKING EXPENSIVE..so they, you know, break it out to make it reasonably affordable. Um.. $125 a month, even in oh SUMMER is what they call AFFORDABLE?! Helloo - will someone take the CRACK away from the skanky and mean scrooges of oil?!
That clinched it for me, besides the fact tho I like this house, there's no storage in the bathroom. Hell, there isn't even a BATHROOM COUNTER! Um, hi, we might've just met, but do I look like a girl who has no toiletries?! Exactly my point.. I need counter space people.. on which to put hair products, their lids, contacts, the toothbrush & paste, and for fucks sake, the hair dryer! Has anyone ever heard of a woman and her NEEDS?! JesusMary&Joseph..where am I?! In Bizarro World?!
The solution? Well, since I have no idea how to keep this brief like I said, I'll tell you. I'm moving again. I know you didn't believe me before cuz I was crazy when I started this.. seriously.. but it's true. On July 15th I will be going to another random place, this time, not so close to the last one - with new roommates I would like to say I have known forever and we're great friends and better roommates.. however, I met them when I went to see the house YESTERDAY and we got to talking, blah blah blah - and I realized today - ohmygod - I SO need to grow up, get a boyfriend who wants to have a life with me and we move in together and get a friggin condo so I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS AN-Y-MORE!!!!
But I'm doing it.. moving into this house with these girls and trying to find a fourth for the last room. This new place is quirky - pinkish on the outside with teal colored doors.. and in Madison Park of all places - like hey.. welcome to the upper class neighborhood everyone.. and then there's my house - the one they forgot to turn into a mansion or brick Tudor style, but stands stubbornly, like moi, cuz it's not 'new money' or 'old money' for that matter - just old.. still it's got a charm.
Did I mention it's COMPLETELY TRASHED on the inside? Oh yeah.. forgot that minor detail. The former tenants left so much crap it looks like they realized the cops were getting close and skipped town. Plus, wow.. people are pigs.
The good news - and yes, believe it or not, there's a small amount of good news - the property management company is taking care of all that. YAY! They're also ripping up the carpet in the halls and the living room and putting in..wait for it.. hardwoods, new linoleum in the kitchen, painting the kitchen and painting and carpeting the upstairs bedrooms!! We still have to convince them to put in new carpet in the downstairs rooms cuz the carpet is just tragic.. looks like the stuff underneath carpet, threadbare and bubbly.. just.. EW. And don't think I don't hear you thinking.. uh.. you're giving them money before any of this and you have NO IDEA how these changes, however cheap, will look. And you're right - tho remember, you are talking to a crazy person so .. you know, it should make some sense.. and the other rooms are painted really nicely - it could be really cute (crossing fingers, holding breath, and praying to God, Buddha, Zeus - whomever will listen)..
Ok, I'm simply hoping it all works out cuz when they're done financially raping me for the month - and that's everyone, both the new landlady and the newer new landlady - and I'm done moving for the 36th and a half time after picking up and putting down box after box and climbing stair after stair and my poor hands are done being dry and cracked from all the cleaning of every single sink, floor, and counter there is in the WORLD, and I've lost every friend I know cuz they're tired of being roped in to helping me do this shit to myself over and over and I then have to sign contracts in BLOOD to show I'd NEVER ask them to help me WITH ANYTHING again..it's going to be oh, September when I can AFFORD TO EAT again but it doesn't matter cuz I'm going to get myself the longest full body massage I've EVER had...and then collapse into a week-long nap. God, I can't fucking wait!
**Please note: All words above are written by yours truly who's gone completely delirious from lack of sleep, lack of respect, lack of power to do ANYTHING about the fact that yes, she will be moving AGAIN and BEFORE THIS MONTH IS OVER - actually, IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!**
I'm crazy. I'm going insane. No really. It's a fun place. Certainly funner (yes I said 'funner' and yes I KNOW it's not grammatically correct - but do you really want to push a crazy person??! I didn't think so.) than real life where I am right now.
I'll try to be brief: New roommate, Sunny, oy - if he wasn't so damn cut and strong I would try to strangle him! Not that I could, being my weak-ass self..but I'm a scrapper - he'd at least have some serious bruises on his shins. But he LIED to the landlady.. LIED! Why do men insist on stretching the truth? It never works.. just be a friggin man already. And I talked to her cuz he kept whining too damn much - such a boy. She dug me, thought I was a quality gal without me having to convince her specifically - I gots skilz yo.. I tell you, she was impressed and tho frustrated with him, satisfied I wasn't playing games with her especially when I told her about my cat, Emma, whom, according to the lease, she DOESN'T ALLOW, not that I knew that, but she gracefully added her to my temp lease she sent later just cuz I'm so friggin great and honest AND she isn't some cold and heartless bitch who throws a girl out on her ass like uh, the day she moves in. *Sigh of relief that THAT is taken care of.. phew!*
NOW.. onto the other issues: The Sunny of said thoughts in my head having to do with strangulation blurts out last night that this oil heating costs so much now having to only split it amongst the three of us. After a bit of discussion, I'm educated, having never lived in a house with oil heating, that the lovely oil providers bill every single month for the oil-giving because apparently, it's FUCKING EXPENSIVE..so they, you know, break it out to make it reasonably affordable. Um.. $125 a month, even in oh SUMMER is what they call AFFORDABLE?! Helloo - will someone take the CRACK away from the skanky and mean scrooges of oil?!
That clinched it for me, besides the fact tho I like this house, there's no storage in the bathroom. Hell, there isn't even a BATHROOM COUNTER! Um, hi, we might've just met, but do I look like a girl who has no toiletries?! Exactly my point.. I need counter space people.. on which to put hair products, their lids, contacts, the toothbrush & paste, and for fucks sake, the hair dryer! Has anyone ever heard of a woman and her NEEDS?! JesusMary&Joseph..where am I?! In Bizarro World?!
The solution? Well, since I have no idea how to keep this brief like I said, I'll tell you. I'm moving again. I know you didn't believe me before cuz I was crazy when I started this.. seriously.. but it's true. On July 15th I will be going to another random place, this time, not so close to the last one - with new roommates I would like to say I have known forever and we're great friends and better roommates.. however, I met them when I went to see the house YESTERDAY and we got to talking, blah blah blah - and I realized today - ohmygod - I SO need to grow up, get a boyfriend who wants to have a life with me and we move in together and get a friggin condo so I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS AN-Y-MORE!!!!
But I'm doing it.. moving into this house with these girls and trying to find a fourth for the last room. This new place is quirky - pinkish on the outside with teal colored doors.. and in Madison Park of all places - like hey.. welcome to the upper class neighborhood everyone.. and then there's my house - the one they forgot to turn into a mansion or brick Tudor style, but stands stubbornly, like moi, cuz it's not 'new money' or 'old money' for that matter - just old.. still it's got a charm.
Did I mention it's COMPLETELY TRASHED on the inside? Oh yeah.. forgot that minor detail. The former tenants left so much crap it looks like they realized the cops were getting close and skipped town. Plus, wow.. people are pigs.
The good news - and yes, believe it or not, there's a small amount of good news - the property management company is taking care of all that. YAY! They're also ripping up the carpet in the halls and the living room and putting in..wait for it.. hardwoods, new linoleum in the kitchen, painting the kitchen and painting and carpeting the upstairs bedrooms!! We still have to convince them to put in new carpet in the downstairs rooms cuz the carpet is just tragic.. looks like the stuff underneath carpet, threadbare and bubbly.. just.. EW. And don't think I don't hear you thinking.. uh.. you're giving them money before any of this and you have NO IDEA how these changes, however cheap, will look. And you're right - tho remember, you are talking to a crazy person so .. you know, it should make some sense.. and the other rooms are painted really nicely - it could be really cute (crossing fingers, holding breath, and praying to God, Buddha, Zeus - whomever will listen)..
Ok, I'm simply hoping it all works out cuz when they're done financially raping me for the month - and that's everyone, both the new landlady and the newer new landlady - and I'm done moving for the 36th and a half time after picking up and putting down box after box and climbing stair after stair and my poor hands are done being dry and cracked from all the cleaning of every single sink, floor, and counter there is in the WORLD, and I've lost every friend I know cuz they're tired of being roped in to helping me do this shit to myself over and over and I then have to sign contracts in BLOOD to show I'd NEVER ask them to help me WITH ANYTHING again..it's going to be oh, September when I can AFFORD TO EAT again but it doesn't matter cuz I'm going to get myself the longest full body massage I've EVER had...and then collapse into a week-long nap. God, I can't fucking wait!
Friday, July 01, 2005
No place like home
I thought everything was coming together. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like Ben and Jen 2. Like Michael Jackson and acquittals. I mean, I had one person, that's ONE friend people, committed to helping me move Saturday. It seems that moving isn't the thing to do on a projected-to-be beautiful Seattle morning. Who knew? And after what has been a week to top all weeks, a sort of send-me-to-the-mental-hospital-now-cuz-see-how-I'm-stabbing-myself-with-my-pen-cuz-it's-less-painful-than-this-problem-I-have-to-resolve-RIGHT-NOW potpourri of work issues, I thought I saw the proverbial light. I sweetly talked two of my co-workers into bringing their trucks over bright and early, saved myself, at minimum, $50 on a rented truck and did my little happy dance in the hall at 5pm relieved. Boy I was proud of my little eyelash batting.. you really missed a show kids.
I headed out of the office closer to on time than ever this week and that's saying a lot if you knew the kind of week I've had. On the way home, I could barely keep my eyes open and crashed for an hour long power nap once I got there. I woke to the sound of my cell vibrating (it's just the cell people.. keep your minds OUT of the gutter please!) and it was my soon-to-be roommate, Sunny. The short version of his message of bad tidings was that this 5-bedroom house is only leased to 3 people and, after the walk-thru today, the almost-invisible landlady decided to remind him that 3 is the maximum amount of tenants she wants. Seems there was no convincing her that 4 or 5 people could be as responsible and clean and almost exactly just like 3, except, well, not, and she was adamant that only 3 should be living there. After talking to me for a bit, he called her back, courage renewed, and tried to reason with her again.. to no avail. She, of course, had no time to really get into it and is going to call him tomorrow to discuss it further, but I'm guessing she's going to continue to stand her ground and we will all, in short, be fucked.
This..yes..this is definitely a problem. I don't like to move, as is stated very clearly a few times as of late. I can move in - apart from her blocking the access to the doorway - that wouldn't be hard. And, once I'm in, she'd have a difficult time getting me evicted without cause. Seattle is often on the tenant's side when it comes to a lot of rental issues - however, the cost would certainly be more than expected and yours truly needs to save save save - mainly cuz I suck at doing any actual real life saving, but I'm trying to maintain a budget here. AND who the fuck wants to deal with a bitchy landlady every month who doesn't realize she's making money off the people who live there and threatens that very income by being said bitch since uh, we can leave you know.. with only 20 days notice too..duh. Since some people are intent on shooting themselves in the foot, why not just let them? I love watching Darwinism in action, don't you?
So Sunny and I had a talk tonight. Sunny is a sweet guy - really - and you know, a guy. Guy roommate = killer of very small but scary spiders, bbq champion, and general fixer of any small household things broken. I need him. I've only lived with women the last few years and it sucks to throw a bbq party and realize, uh.. who's running the bbq? Three high-pitched 'not me's' later and you're looking at some under-cooked chicken and some irritated friends like.. well, this was probably not the best idea. Besides, the male energy is a nice change. Plus, we don't have to share a bathroom. This is key. Therefore, I proposed after Bitchy Landlady's call tomorrow, hoping she gives in, but if not, that we plan another course of action: finding a new place altogether for us to move into in August. He dug the idea. I told you I was good.
Cross your fingers July moves quickly or I will have nothing more to write about but the pain and anguish of moving forever. Dammit.. now where is that pen with which I can stab myself many, many times..?!
I headed out of the office closer to on time than ever this week and that's saying a lot if you knew the kind of week I've had. On the way home, I could barely keep my eyes open and crashed for an hour long power nap once I got there. I woke to the sound of my cell vibrating (it's just the cell people.. keep your minds OUT of the gutter please!) and it was my soon-to-be roommate, Sunny. The short version of his message of bad tidings was that this 5-bedroom house is only leased to 3 people and, after the walk-thru today, the almost-invisible landlady decided to remind him that 3 is the maximum amount of tenants she wants. Seems there was no convincing her that 4 or 5 people could be as responsible and clean and almost exactly just like 3, except, well, not, and she was adamant that only 3 should be living there. After talking to me for a bit, he called her back, courage renewed, and tried to reason with her again.. to no avail. She, of course, had no time to really get into it and is going to call him tomorrow to discuss it further, but I'm guessing she's going to continue to stand her ground and we will all, in short, be fucked.
This..yes..this is definitely a problem. I don't like to move, as is stated very clearly a few times as of late. I can move in - apart from her blocking the access to the doorway - that wouldn't be hard. And, once I'm in, she'd have a difficult time getting me evicted without cause. Seattle is often on the tenant's side when it comes to a lot of rental issues - however, the cost would certainly be more than expected and yours truly needs to save save save - mainly cuz I suck at doing any actual real life saving, but I'm trying to maintain a budget here. AND who the fuck wants to deal with a bitchy landlady every month who doesn't realize she's making money off the people who live there and threatens that very income by being said bitch since uh, we can leave you know.. with only 20 days notice too..duh. Since some people are intent on shooting themselves in the foot, why not just let them? I love watching Darwinism in action, don't you?
So Sunny and I had a talk tonight. Sunny is a sweet guy - really - and you know, a guy. Guy roommate = killer of very small but scary spiders, bbq champion, and general fixer of any small household things broken. I need him. I've only lived with women the last few years and it sucks to throw a bbq party and realize, uh.. who's running the bbq? Three high-pitched 'not me's' later and you're looking at some under-cooked chicken and some irritated friends like.. well, this was probably not the best idea. Besides, the male energy is a nice change. Plus, we don't have to share a bathroom. This is key. Therefore, I proposed after Bitchy Landlady's call tomorrow, hoping she gives in, but if not, that we plan another course of action: finding a new place altogether for us to move into in August. He dug the idea. I told you I was good.
Cross your fingers July moves quickly or I will have nothing more to write about but the pain and anguish of moving forever. Dammit.. now where is that pen with which I can stab myself many, many times..?!
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