I Liked The Font Ok??! Oh And Where Mom And I Bond.. Yes, Really!

So y'all are a bunch of whiners.. Yeah.. I said it. Whatcha gonna do? HUH?

You: I don't liiiiiiiiiiike your new font, Angel.. It's haaaaaaaard to reeeeeeeaaaaaad.. It huuuuurts my wittle eyyyyes...

Moi: Wah wah.. cry me a river people..

So fine.. y'all obviously don't want to challenge yourselves.. or risk a TINY bit of eye strain.. so I changed it back.. ok? Happy now??!

Sheesh..

Oh.. and my mom is so NOT a zillionaire.. by the way.. in case you were planning that big surprise marriage proposal to me. Yeah.. you can ditch that idea.. my invisible friend.. You'd have better luck with my mom. I hear she's accepting them all over the place.

My brother was apparently smoking crack.. or so my mom thinks when I asked her about the money..

Mom: WHAT did he say?? *laughing and in shock at the same time*

Moi: That you had *fill in blank with large sum of money and add many zeros here* dollars invested..

Mom: Um.. is your brother on drugs??! I do not have that kind of money.. Where did he get that idea?

Moi: Well.. if he's on drugs.. apparently from that. But no, I don't think he's on drugs, Mom. Delusional, yes. Drugs, not so much. But he said he helped you invest it.. no?

Mom: Please.. I do my own investing and it's not like your brother knows anything about that stuff..

Moi: Phew! I'm so glad you said that. I was really starting to think I didn't know him anymore..

That's basically how that went. Oh and my brother is like the biggest lying liar ev-er or completely thinking of someone else he helped invest much money with many zeros. I don't ask.. what's the point? He's married and his wife gets to look after him and all his (many) idiosyncrasies. Bless her.

Unless my mom is totally lying.............. Noooooo........... you think? Crap. I don't know.

Wanna hear the best part???! You DO! I KNOW you do! Ok. This isn't it, but it prefaces: I met the soon-to-be-step-father this last weekend and hey, he was pretty nice. Ok.. so far so good. He and Mom are actually cute.. a little gross, but cute nonetheless. They seem very happy and he doesn't seem like a serial killer OR a carnie! YAY! Glad I got that out of the way! I mean, it was awkward and Mom was very wrapped up in him and we didn't do much after I arrived on Saturday - just movie'd it all evening, which didn't make much time for talking, but I figured Sunday we'd have a little more time.

Um.. you know.. insert the usual 'Wrong!' here..

Sunday Mom invited our ENTIRE extended family on her side up for Easter dinner. When I say extended, I mean my cousin's half sister, my cousin's neighbor's children, my aunt's EX-step kids and her husband and their kids.. you get the picture? Two aunts and their families didn't even show! Can you imagine?? THEN if you throw in all the dogs, there were like 42 people, large, small, and furry occupying the kitchen, dining and living rooms. The children cried, threw fits, talkedtalkedtalkedtalkedtalkedohmyGOD.. we ate, MMMMM TURKEY.. and somewhere in the middle of that (this is the best part by the way), the step-dad-to-be's daughter and HER family showed up. They have SEVEN CHILDREN.. (I'll just let that sink in for a sec..) of which she kindly only brought three. Um.. she's 36.. you do the math (ok ok, I think this is the 2nd marriage for both of them, but if you leave that fact out it sounds way more shocking, right?).

So there we all are.. VASTLY uncomfortable.. and I'm trying to make conversation with them but not really wanting to. I'm more focused on seeing if I can dive into the mashed potatoes and sorta hide there... No such luck tho.

We were on the far side of the living room and Mom and Dale were on the far side of the dining room and this = not close, ok?? Mind you, there are like 26 zillion people inbetween - and she tried to get her dad's attention so she could say grace. I ask you.. grace? And you ask back.. um.. is that so bad? To which I reply, no.. not COMPARITIVELY to what happened LATER.. um.. no. But her dad couldn't hear her so she gave up and she forced her daughter to say it for her and the rest of them. And I was SOOOOO nice and VERY sweet (I was!) and I gently told her that she might have a hard time with that sort of thing on this side of the family cuz tho I thought some of them probably believed in God and all, they weren't particularly religious. But I tried to reassure her by saying I thought Mom was sort of getting back into it. And do you think she said, Oh.. that's good.. or, Oh, that's nice..?? No.. it went like this exactly:

Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: Well, I should hope so because I don't want Dad to stop going to church just because, you know, he's getting married.

Moi: *??????????*

and I thought..

Moi: *WTF?! Are you the boss of him (yes, I totally regressed at that point, what of it?)? And oh yeah.. he looks just like the type of person who can't think for himself. I completely see why you'd be worried.*

But really I didn't say anything after that and just stared at my food.. seething.

And she added..

Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: ..cuz MY girls go to Youth Group.

and I thought..

Moi: * 1) Wow, my condolences to your girls and 2) um.. so?*

Dinner being over, someone put in The Chronicles of Narnia for all the kids and for the zoning out adults (possibly me). Not long after it started, her husband, I'll call him Flanders for the purpose of this story, decides to pull me into conversation:

Flanders: *Very teacher-esque* So did you know this movie is a fable?

Moi: Excuse me?

Flanders: A fable.. based on the life of Jesus Christ.

Moi: *trying to keep from falling out of my chair in much shock*

and I say..

Moi: Oh.. um.. yeah.. I think I heard something about that.. *invisibly rolling my eyes*

but I THINK..

Moi: *WARNING! WARNING! Jesus freak approaching! And DUH.. cuz when the movie came out, that fact was sorta ALL OVER the news, tv, and radio.. but obviously I look like I've been living under a ROCK for a year so.. yeah, of course, I wouldn't know that.*

and, unbelievably.. he continues..

Flanders: Yes, well Aslan is God and the White Witch is the Devil.... *fades out cuz I can't hear him over my FREAKING OUT thoughts*

which are..

Moi: *OHMYGOD! Thank you SO much for pointing that out. Completely clueless here.. obviously.. good/evil, lion/witch - that was VERY confusing for me. Would've never guessed had you not helped me figure that out.. phew!* and *FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SACRED.. PLEASE SHUT UP!*

But he went ON about C.S. Lewis and how most of his writings were very biblical in nature and that current scholars are actually trying to make them into something they're not - which he never explained, but really, that was ok by me cuz I just figured.. what, maybe they said they were just... stories?? I was nauseous, let's put it that way.

For the record, I'm spiritual. I believe in God, or a higher power, in my way.. I don't go to church or believe there is only one way to worship IF you want to worship OR believe at all and, if not, that's ok too.. so me and God? We're all good. But you people know.. I'm.. opinionated.. strongly.. and of all people to start preaching to.. you'd think maybe they would've picked up on the hairs standing up on the back of my neck.. and maybe thought.. oh.. um.. honey.. she doesn't like pushy religious types..

I'm just sayin.. I would never walk into a stranger's house - a stranger that is marrying into my family - and start wearing God all over me - or anything else controversially big for that matter - politics, abortion.. Satanism.. I mean.. hi.. what if I went to their house and just rearranged their furniture into the shape of a pentagram?? There is having strong beliefs.. and there is simply being inappropriate. This was certainly the latter and to be honest, I didn't appreciate it. She implied this marriage to MY mother might actually have some sort of negative affect over her father's ways and beliefs (at 62, please..) AAAND assumed that grace is something we even do in our house! We don't! Ok? And you know what? God is just fine with that. And hellooo.. do you not know what assuming does, lady? Yeah..

And the movie? Can it JUST be a movie? Please? Seriously, you could make God and the Devil in any good or bad character in any movie respectively. Tho when describing the scene to my 16-year-old cousin I saw later that night, she said I should've asked them if they'd seen Brokeback Mountain and if they knew who God and the Devil were in that movie..... evil little girl, that one. Love her.

And I left.. pouting. Mad at Mom cuz she hadn't spent one minute with me.. and, more to the point, we were going to be related by marriage to crazy know-it-all bible thumpers! God save us!

But it really bothered me so I called her yesterday night.. and you (uh.. Megan & Kari) won't believe it, but it was the first time ever that my mother and I had a good conversation.. where we really talked and she really listened - at least that I can remember. I told her it hurt to see her flitting around worried about everyone else's kids but her own - being everyone else's mom but mine.. that he should've tried harder to talk to us if the two of them weren't so tied to each other's hips all weekend.. and there was just too much family there. I mean, he was marrying into the family, sure, but the family of us is what Todd and I thought mattered most.. and no, it wasn't intentional, but it really kind of sucked.

And so she listened.. and she apologized.. and she meant it, shockingly enough.. and then we laughed and laughed over Dale's crazy daughter and her crazier husband and I suddenly realized I had an ally in my mother I didn't know existed.. and you know what? I stopped freaking out. I just felt calmer.. and I knew this marriage would be a good thing for my mom and my family.. and despite the occasional step-crazies we may have to reign in quick-like (cuz you know I will given a next time, kids).. it's all going to be fine.

I wish I could tell Dad he was right.

This Ends With Cake..That's Not Bad, Is It?

So I have news.

Are you sitting down?

This is what my mother should've prefaced with when she told me she was getting remarried.. except I was sitting down. And I couldn't speak. Yes, shockingly, this is possible.. only a few times in my life, but yes, believe it.

You wanna know what else? She's known him for 6 weeks.. SIX WEEKS! If you count this last week I've been digesting her news, I guess 7. Um.. yes, whatever you're thinking, I've already asked her.. with exactly that tone you're asking it. And no, I haven't met him yet.. in fact, she's only mentioned him a few times. I don't even know his last name. I suddenly feel like this is probably how most parents feel when hearing this sort of information from their offspring - however, I'm betting there's usually a pregnancy involved (BITE YOUR TONGUE PEOPLE.. EW!) or a lot more time invested. I mean, we know nothing about him. He could be crazy.. or a serial killer.. or.. or.. a carnie!

But this remarrying thing.. I've never had to go thru it. My mother has only dated 2 people since my father died 6 years ago.. so I don't think she's rushed it and I certainly do want her to be happy.. but um, he still has to be my step-father when all is said and done. Not to mention he has children of his own - and voilà - instant step-siblings: two brothers and a sister. Ok.. so I have to admit.. that's.. intriguing as I've never had a sister. But since they're probably close to my age and have families of their own, are they really going to want to go out of their way to get to know me and forge a relationship? I mean, I know I'm feeling awfully hesitant about that.. and if they were all gung-ho about it, I'd be a little suspicious. So I guess if nothing else, maybe we'll all bond over the fact our parents are completely out of their minds. Eh.. a silver lining is a silver lining. I'm trying here..

In the meantime, there's.. um.. actual bonding over this situation with my actual brother. I know.. wierd. And we discussed my concern some other friend's have voiced when I told them this news. ''Do we think this guy is after Mom's money? I mean.. she doesn't really have a lot to get.. um.. does she? To which I expected my brother to simply echo my thinking.. And, if you know me at all, you also know how often I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong WRONG. Like in this instance. Granted, it's invested, but my mother, apparently, is doing just fine. A-lot-more-zeros-than-I-thought fine. Like.. so fine I wonder why she maybe keeps telling me to get my own place and when I answer that I can't afford to live without at least one roommate that maybe she doesn't sort of OFFER to help me. A little. Like.. AT ALL. Not that my mom isn't generous.. she really is - when she wants to be.. and not that I don't understand working for what you need and want.. but let me tell you something - whatever I know about budgeting and keeping myself out of debt has all been self-taught - by LOTS of trial and error.. and more error than anything. Besides that, she'd rather give me things that collect dust than cash any day.. what is with that?

So THEN.. already trying to fathom the my-mom-is-kinda-rich confusion I had, which was plenty to deal with, my brother tells me not to worry about Mom or her money. That he just knows it's going to be fine. You want to know why? Dad told him. My father.. you know.. the one who DIED 6 years ago?? Yeah.. THAT one. Obviously, I can see some of you are shocked.. understandably.. and some of you are just laughing cuz you think my brother is crazy. I, however, did not bat an eye - did not even flinch, no no.. I did not. Why, you ask? My brother is a bit eccentric.. oh and he's annoying, sure.. but crazy he is not.. The appearance of my father isn't even the point cuz my father has appeared to me before - but only once and in a dream about a month or so after his death, which is probably normal I would think when you lose one of your immediate family members. Without going into it too much, I woke up from the dream upset, but the room was.. tingling. I don't know how else to describe it. An energy had been there and I knew it was my father, but it dissipated very quickly. Still, it was so.. tangible. And I remembered this when Todd told me Dad had appeared to him recently AND that Dad has done this a few times.. wait.. A FEW TIMES?? WTF? What am I? Cut glass?? Like I said, it's not the fact I question he appeared.. but why he hasn't appeared to ME! Hi.. I'm sorta his daughter.. adopted yes, but that meant they really wanted me. Todd was an accident. HELLOOOO??!

Oy.. all joking aside, I wonder how other people handle something like this.. keeping the memory of your father, although a troubled individual, but still so lovable with all his imperfections, sacred and then trying to make new memories with someone who's to fill that void that's been vacant for a long time. Oh and incidentally, who will make your mother probably happier than she's ever been - as you've known her to be unhappy more than you've ever known her happy. Sad, yes, but true. It conflicted me that her first words about my new step-daddy-to-be were that he was completely different than my father. I know how she meant it, but still - ow. And then.. why did I feel hurt by that? This stuff.. wow - it's complicated! Let the psycho-analyzing begin.

But I know.. this is not about me. Yes, hi, let's stop being so self-absorbed, Angel.. I'm just saying.. this is a lot to take in and I'm trying. I'm going to be her maid of honor and that's pretty cool.. Thank God I get to help decide what I'm wearing, otherwise you'd never see pictures.. and that's still fairly unclear at this point. And no, do NOT suggest I go for the bouquet at my own mother's wedding.. that is not a silver lining people.. that's just.. creepy. But it is next month - oh please, like you thought they were going to wait to get married when he proposed at 6 weeks? Why do that?! Yeah.. now that spinning feeling you have? Multiply it by 10 and that's what I'm coming down from.

Wait.. we were focusing on the positives.. um.. it'll be fun! There'll be cake.. right? Yeah, cake is something to look forward to.. and champagne! God bless champagne! Yes.. of course, my mother's happiness.. blah blah blah.. but YAY! CAKE!

50 Things

The list virus: It's going around..and I'm a big copy cat. Yes. Yes I am. All the cool girls are doing it.. and besides, anything good I've ever said was probably stolen anyway..

50 things about me (more than you ever wanted to know):

1. I hate my middle name, which was my grandmother's first name, and she, incidentally, didn't like it either.

2. My mother wanted to name me Babette Marie. Babs for short. My father wanted to name me Angel. Guess who won. And, also.. Babs?! WTF?

3. I've been fired from 2 jobs and forced to resign 2 others - in the last 10 years. Not an authority issue, more of a this-job-sucks-and-I-have-a-bad-attitude sort of issue. Yeah.. nice. I'm working on it.

4. I'm afraid of water I can't see thru for no apparent reason.

5. I've had very deep, happy, movie-type love twice in my life and even tho they ended, I'm still good friends with those exes.

6. I've been an extra in an independent movie.

7. I've waited on Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick (when they were dating), as well as Joe Cocker, who called me 'love', shared an elevator with Lorenzo Lamas (who is actually, really hot and way tall even if not the most incredible actor ever..), Keith Richards brushed by me in Vegas, and I partied at Wesley Snipes' rented bungalow (and by bungalow, I mean fucking AMAZING pad) in Vancouver, BC til the wee hours where I also saw Vin Diesel, and then I shook Wesley's hand and he smiled at me and said 'Thank you for coming.' He's much much shorter in person and not a good dj. Don't hire him for that.

8. I went to Norway on foreign exchange for a year after I graduated high school and cuz I got into trouble 2 different times - once for riding in a boat with a bunch of drunk friends (a big no no there) and the second time, for skipping school and lying about it, I was sent home after 2 1/2 months.

9. I had a drink thrown on me in a bar after I had a large group of complete drunks kicked out for throwing ice at me and being complete asshats. My attitude and sharp wit, not to mention their idiocy, may or may not have had something to do with that.

10. I've wanted to change my last name to my birth mother's for at least six or seven years.. and haven't because I don't want to hurt my (adoptive) mother.

11. I can't not bite my nails unless they're manicured every week - which is expensive people.

12. Fuck is the best cuss word ever - in my opinion.

13. I don't think I could live without hummus, peanut butter, Thai food, Mexican food, or chocolate.

14. I really am within six degrees or less of Kevin Bacon. More like one actually.

15. I have three pairs of jeans. Yes, really.

16. I'm actually fairly ashamed to be an American currently.

17. I'm really hoping the Mariner's don't completely suck this year.

18. After moving anywhere, I always have about four or five boxes that I just don't know what to do with and that sit for a minimum of six months out in the open, in a state of half-unpacked. I really suck at that.

19. I can't watch horror movies - I was scared to death after the stupid Blair Witch Project and The Ring.

20. I hate to lose.

21. I was a cheerleader in high school - and have pictures to prove it - but quit when it stopped being cool - tho I think that was always the case. It just took me two years to figure it out. Still, I was always on top in the pyramids so shut it.

22. I won second place in our high school talent contest my senior year with 3 other ex-cheerleaders making fun of cheerleaders in a little number we choreographed to 'Oh Mickey.' Let me tell you, it was awesome. Treena, Kari, and Megan - you better back me up.. you were all there. Wait.. Treena.. weren't you in it with me or am I totally wrong?

23. I won second place (are you seeing a pattern?) in my grade school's spelling bee ONLY because we ran out of time and the official was hurrying and didn't define the word 'reign' after giving it to me, so of course I spelled it r-a-i-n. Um, yeah, then he defined it and the other kid won. Bastards. I'm not bitter tho.

24. I stole a really expensive office chair from one of my jobs that laid off its entire staff when they went bankrupt and finally sold it this year for $300.. and it made me really happy.

25. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.

26. I also stole nail polish when I was 12 or 13 from the store where my own mother worked.. and was caught. Was so grounded.

27. I've wanted to be the lead singer in a band for as long as I can remember.

28. I had braces for 4 1/2 years. FOUR AND A HALF YEARS PEOPLE!

29. For any wound, injury or little hurt I ever had when I was a child, my grandfather would always say I'd be alright by the time I got married.. and I didn't find it funny til much later.

30. I can still fit into my prom dress from my junior year.. and it's actually a little too big.

31. I was painfully shy til high school.

32. Tho I can't stand Britney Spears, I have to admit I still really like 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and 'Toxic.' I still like 'Genie In a Bottle' by Christina too.

33. I believe in some form of higher power, tho not necessarily God, plus angels, ghosts, life after death and reincarnation.

34. I don't, however, believe in a hell or the devil. I think we create those things for ourselves while we're alive.

35. I'm pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-whatever the fuck you want to do with your life as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else and you don't try to tell me what to do.

36. I believe in soul mates, but don't think it has to be in a lover/husband/partner-type.

37. My longest relationship was one year. Yes, go ahead.. cry.. send money. Or chocolate. Or wine.

38. When I was little, I thought I'd grow up to be a waitress, a librarian, or a nurse and my brother would be a fireman and we'd get married. Um.. ew.

39. In second grade, my best friend, Laura Gillette, and I shared a boyfriend, Sean Dewey, who would put his arms around both of us during show and tell.

40. I met Luis, from Sesame Street when he took a directing class one year at my college, Southern Oregon.

41. My birthday is my favorite 'holiday'.

42. I'm afraid of dying - especially being stabbed or being completely deformed and harmed in some sort of awful car accident.

43. I was a virgin until I was 18.

44. I hate being cold.

45. I'm always cold.

46. Anything carbonated gives me ever-lasting hiccups.

47. I can get rid of hiccups every time by eating a spoonful of peanut butter.

48. Of the many pet names given to me, my favorites were from my father: Suzie-Q, and various lovers: Kitten, Boo boo, and Babygirl.

49. I've been in A Midsummer Night's Dream three times and played a total of five different parts inlcuding one lead (Bottom).

50. I talk in my sleep.

Phew.. that was much harder than I thought.. Who's next?

April Fool's = Happy New Year To Me!

You know what today is?? My first anniversary of writing this little, pink blog! It's true! I can hardly believe it myself. It started out being my clean slate.. my fresh start from a rocky first part of 2005. I made it my New Year's, which I'm going to keep up and make my own tradition - just in case the standard New Year isn't shiny enough for me, and in most cases, it isn't. This year started out rather the same way as the last few and you know.. it's time to feel new again.. thus I give you spring! Have y'all noticed that it's spring in Seattle? Ok.. um.. it's spring everywhere.. I suppose.. but for those of you who aren't here.. TA DA! Spring is! And also - YAY!

It makes such a difference for most of us in the northwest who require light therapy in the dreary wintery months to have SUN! It's been shining, and tho still chilly, it hasn't been raining for 45 THOUSAND days straight and we all, and by we I mean me cuz that is who I'm writing about, smile more and there's just a general lovely feeling going around. Plus a good amount of time has passed between the beginning of the year - that part that sort of really sucked and was composed of all kinds of sad and self-pitying over my fragile little heart and maybe the cute boy.. but hey.. nevermind that now.. cuz.. LOOK! SPRING! And, like waffles, spring can make everything better. Yes, waffles. You heard me. Shut up.

But I feel lighter. Maybe even slightly hot-air-balloonish lighter cuz happy seems to be coming easier and who doesn't like happy? Oy.. I know.. it's taken about three months to get that petite little ticker of mine to heal over, but I just feel what I feel and I don't rush myself.. or go postal.. so be grateful people cuz my personality could easily lend itself to that sort of thing. And tho difficult, I knew the letting go would eventually have to happen. I mean it kinda helped that boy stopped any drunk dialing he was doing in the wee hours on the weekends.. (in his defense, it was only twice and he called himself on it by the end of the second call actually.. so don't be too harsh), but I wasn't any better thinking I could handle hearing about who he'd been dating.. err.. other things ending in -ing. I had this theory that seeing his very obvious moving on would help me close the door more completely. Um.. yeah.. just to let you know.. in practice.. that's a bad theory. Don't feel the need to test it yourself, ok? I mean boy is special to me.. he knows this.. but I really do look forward to the day when we can care about each other and there's nothing complicated or wistful about that. And tho the theory didn't work out in every way I planned, that little ache afterwards didn't last as long either.. so hope and I are hanging out again, you know, just coffee, but still.. that's something to smile about..

Speaking of smiling.. for many reasons, but one of which might include dating.. there may be some of that happening in my world. It's still very early to tell anything at this moment.. but according to Léonie and what she knows of Americans from tv, my three different dates recently are just standard everyday fare:

So you see, I know that in Sex and The City people go on multiple dates all the time, and that it is not only normal but postively encouraged, but that is in America. In America people go out on dates with more than one person in a week and that is fine. The thing is, you see, I am not from America. Clapham is not America, even though it is similar because there is a McDonalds and you do sometimes see fat people*.

*Just a little joke. There are no fat people in Clapham.

Ha ha.. *ahem* no no.. the three dates a week isn't something I'm trying to pursue on a regular basis.. it just sort of.. happened that way.. chatty chatty here, let's do something there.. and before I knew it, any space I had between the visits with the mommy friend and my nieces, the really horrid horrid play Keith and Abby and Chloe and I saw, laundry.. oh and sleep just filled up. Accidentally. But.. um.. it was fun. Kinda.. I mean, as fun as small talk with a couple of wrong people can be.. and that's really all I should say about it for now other than it's nice to recognize the possibilities again, which I always knew existed.. it's just.. I know. That's all. Ahh.. it feels good to feel good.

Aaaaaaaand.. drumroll please.. well - fake it, ok? I've also got a BRAND NEW ROOMMATE! Whoo hoo!! *Applause* One who isn't 40 and overtly affectionate at inappropriate times.. or ALL the time as the case might've been. Let's meet Kyle, shall we? He's 25, doesn't really pay much attention to whether I'm cute at all or a three-headed troll, does the dishes, AND doesn't leave the seat up! Yes! He's normal! But for his age, he's pretty worldly, done some traveling, plays his guitar quite nicely, and seems kind of like a little brother. The Boy (now capitalized so you don't get him and the roommate confused being in the same paragraph) and some other friends really don't like the idea of me continuing to live with a guy - and tho I do appreciate their concern, they just need to trust me. It's going to be fine.. you know why? It just will. Are we all clear now kids? Sparky? Loren? Keith? Pixie? Ok, good. I just need to finish unpacking now. Ugh.

Since I finally seem to be taking a bit better care of myself all around, I also took steps towards figuring out why I've had this chronic ache in my hip for the last few years and which has only been getting worse. I've been slightly pigeon-toed since I was a kid.. something I'd been teased about growing up and of course, hated about myself, but the right people in my life have found it cute and endearing, if in a dorky way - and it'd be nice if that's all there was to it, but it does have detrimental effects as far as pain due to exercising over time. Do you think the doctors have any idea why exactly? Does the emphasis on 'any' assist you in coming up with a two-lettered answer?

We started with x-rays and the radiologist began my tiny bit of panic when he wrote down I might have 'hip dysplasia'. If you didn't know, this is something German and Australian shephards are prone to from too much overbreeding those types of mixes.. I'm sure I can look forward to strolling around in those fun doggy carts later in life.. can't you just see it now? 'Wrong growth' was also mentioned.. I love those warm, fuzzy and completely fucking vague diagnoses. My orthorpedist, Dr. Watts, didn't really agree with the radiologist - um... shouldn't they CONCUR or something?? NOT that he could tell ANYTHING from the x-rays, he also said. Um.. ooook.. Other than a slight inward turn on the right, my hips are actually not so out of whack.. yes, that was the technical term. Tho he did think maybe it was bursitis - inflammation of the bursa - don't ask me what that is. Do I look like I could even try? Please.. But since I had pain, regardless of whether he could actually tell what is wrong with me or not, he said we (I love their collective terms they use) could do a few things: an MRI or a bone scan - both of which sounded quite scary, not to mention might require lots of squinting when I opened any medical bills after - OR he could give me a cortizone shot in the hip.. and I thought, well, shots aren't so bad.. it's just a little pinch at first.. no big deal. So this is what I opted for thinking oh Mr. Doctor probably knows what he's talking about.. Mr. Doctor probably does this all day in his sleep and is probably right about many things very smart.. Mr. Doctor also put a FIVE INCH NEEDLE IN MY ASS AND OWWWWWWWWWWWOWOWOW!STOPSTOPSTOP! God!

Sooo.. THAT was fun. If it turns out to be bursitis, 'we'll do the other side.' Um.. yeah.. can't wait! Hold me back! In the meantime, I'm doing all this fun physical therapy - and I don't really mean fun.. I mean all these silly leg lifts and stretches and it's frickin hard actually, but I do think it's helping, maybe.. ok, I really don't know. Let's just pretend.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, and I'm sure it probably is, I'm trying to make a career change and looking into actual theatre jobs.. like a position in which my degree might be useful and not just for dust collecting. What a concept, right? I've had this nifty idea for a couple of years of trying to get into casting directing and recently I even went to lunch with a contact at the Seattle Rep to discuss it. What I learned is that I'd have to intern and before that, be offered the one of 12 internship positions over hundreds of others who apply, it doesn't pay well and the hours are the same ones I have now, meaning I couldn't do both jobs at once, and thus (did you notice I've used this twice so far just in this post?? Such an underused word!!), would be pretty impossible. And then, like a little light of hope to guide my way, Pixie unexpectedly sent along a little gem of a find this week - a very interesting possibility that's opened at the Intiman Theatre and they need someone like yesterday. It's not an internship and it does pay, tho theatres are non-profits so it could still be a crap-shoot, but I'm getting things organized so I can apply. The important thing I realized tho is even if I don't get it, there's more than just a couple of opportunities out there by which I could make a career. I just have to rub those two brain cells together that are fighting and frickin figure it out..

So that's the latest - besides seeing many a play recently - one tonight at the Rep with a cute date and one last night with friends that was so God-awful and I mean that literally as it was in a church.. tho honey, God could do nothing to save it, sadly.. but hey, there were cookies! And now I am off to work cuz I am THAT dedicated.. and THAT behind, more to the point, that suddenly now I work on weekends. *Sniff sniff* Don't cry for me Argentina.. I'll live.. a cute boy later and a sunny day feeling, even if it's fairly grey outside, are enough of a reminder of my sparkly new year ahead. Spring forward indeed..

Meme

Pomgirl tagged me. I think it's an epidemic.. this 'meme' thing, which, by the way, am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell 'meme' means?? Apparently so. It's four letters.. FOUR. How hard could it be? But no.. I remain clueless and just do what everyone tells me like a mindless little sheep. Just like my mother always said, if everyone jumped off a bridge, I'd obviously need to do it too. But hey, I'd be cool then.

What were you doing 10 Years Ago?

Let's see.. I was 24 and it was my first year in Seattle. I lived in a house with 4 other people and my room was in the basement. The owner's son, the third one back in the cro-magnon evolutionary line of the human race, lived in the house with us. I lasted 6 months before me and another girl couldn't take his caveman behavior anymore and moved out together.

The only job experience I had was waiting on tables and working as a barista.. so the first job I landed here was slinging coffee in Wallingford at Nice Day Coffee. Already you can sense the irony, can't you?

It wasn't far from my house in Ballard, but was owned by this lying, cheating, cocaine-addicted narcissist who was related to the Paul Mitchell empire and sniffed all his daddy's money up his nose. After three days there I couldn't wait to quit - it was that bad. He went thru four managers in my 2-3 months there and only after my first few weeks, our banks started letting us know our $150 paychecks were bouncing. He said there was a 'misunderstanding' at his bank, accused us of stealing the deposits, but I finally just started cashing my paychecks at his bank immediately so I could then deposit them into mine.

The guy was sick - grossly overweight, talked with this ridiculously high voice, denied his own homosexuality as he was married, and oh yeah.. had the ugliest baby I'd ever seen. His power was in manipulation and fear. I once witnessed him threaten a sweet and passive 18-year-old when she simply wanted to talk to him about how he treated her. He actually told her he could make it so she 'never worked in this town again.' Riiiiiiight. We all hated him immensely. I watched many a big blow out between him and numerous quitting managers out in the street - it was the norm.

He 'fired' me the day after his wife came in with their frightening example of an offspring. He said she'd told him I was rude to her. Um.. hi, do you think I didn't know who she was? I was very nice and needed the job at the time, but that was his nature and she was obviously as coked up as he was most of the time.. I counted it a blessing that he actually did me that favor and not long after that, he drove the place into the ground, someone else MUCH nicer bought it and turned it into a cybercafe. *Shudder* So glad that's over.

5 Years Ago?

I was 29 and still reeling from the worst year of my life. 28 was my favorite age, but that February, my grandfather (my mom's step-dad) died of cancer with all of us surrounding him at home. If you've never seen your grandmother hysterically crying over the man she's loved for longer than you've been alive and telling him it's ok to let go, feel lucky. It was one of the toughest things I've ever witnessed, but I felt blessed to be there when my grandfather passed.

That May, one week after my father's 54th birthday, and the day after Mother's Day, my father died in his sleep. He'd been in remission from leukemia for 5 years, but over time, the harsh medicine and his condition had just worn his heart out. He was already on a list for a new liver, which I knew he'd never last long enough to receive.. and if I was actually wrong about that, I didn't think he'd survive the transplant or at least not the recovery that would require. Again I had to listen to my mother's hysterical voicemail before she actually reached me at work to tell me the news. It was pure torture.

Only one month later, still struggling to break free of this auto-pilot my body clicked on all on its own, my grandmother (my dad's mother), who'd been in a retirement facility and who barely recognized us anymore due to advanced Alzheimer's, finally died. I was happy for her cuz she just missed my grandfather so much who'd died years ago during my freshman year in college. She'd not been the same since anyway and she was only waiting to go in order to be with him again. The only negative part was the funeral, where, only one month prior, I'd seen all the same people who'd come to my father's funeral. Dad's side has a huge extended family and we knew most everyone in that small-town community so the church was packed both times, but the only people I remember even being able to relate to were my 14-year-old twin cousins. Ali, my boyfriend at the time who lived in Vancouver, BC was called a lot cuz he was the only person I felt could console me.

Ali and I broke up the next month in July - I don't remember the rest of the year very clearly after that. We'd been together close to 8 months and before him, I thought I'd never loved anyone so deeply. He was going thru his own crisis of trying to take care of himself and trying to support me emotionally while 3 hours away so visits only every other weekend became too much of a struggle. We didn't last more than a week without talking cuz we were still really close, but I mourned that relationship for two years before I finally let it go. Surprisingly, we're still really good friends after all this time.

1 Year Ago?

Recovering from yet another broken heart in January. Let's just say the first quarter of the last few years hasn't been my time.. I think it's mostly my fault in setting up false expectations that the new year will bring instant happiness, just add water. I was also struggling with a friendship I adored, but couldn't seem to find the balance in figuring out who we were to each other and because of a stupid secret someone else informed me of in a not so nice way, we stopped speaking to each other for about three months or so. During that time, we both did some discovering and after much discussion, made up. We've since become much closer friends and I'm really grateful for that. Unlike the boy at the time, she was much more vital to my life.

Five snacks you enjoy:

My Rockstar hummus (roasted red pepper and jalepeno)
Luna bars - peanut butter cookie, to be exact
Trader Joe's multigrain crackers
Granny Smith apples and peanut butter
Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered soy nuts

Five songs (you think) you know by heart:

The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels Band (I grew up listening to country music since that's all my parents listened to.. and I still love this song.)
Criminal - Fiona Apple (You should hear me karaoke this one.. ooh. I rock!)
Shape of My Heart - Sting
Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin
At Last - Etta James

Five things you would do with a LOT of money:

Pay off my family's and friend's debts
Travel the world
Buy a much better car - stay away from Fords people!
Buy a house
Put the rest in savings!!

Five things you would never wear:

A Britney Spears concert t-shirt
A muu-muu
Combat boots
Anything in support of George W. Bush
A tongue ring (ow!)

Five things I should never have worn:

Neon
A peach satin bridesmaid's dress (Pom - I wore one too!)
4 inch heels in the 7th grade (what was my mother thinking?)
Shaker sweaters
My Midsummer Night's Dream costume my junior year of college - ohmygod.. let's just say being fairies in painted bodysuits wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Five things I enjoy doing:

Reading blogs, books
Hiking
Going to theatre and movies
Not working
Kissing (like who doesn't..?)

Five bad habits:

Procrastinating
Whining
Biting the skin around my nails
My occassional road rage
My lack of patience

Five people I would like to do this:

Kario
Doug
Adammmmmm
Treena (just do it ok? God.)
t

Vegas - for REAL this time! And you thought my other posts were long..

I feel awful I've made you, all my darling friends and my other 4 readers, wait with bated breath for MY Vegas story.. mainly cuz it's probably all going to be a complete exaggeration just to make it look better than it really was now. But you should keep in mind that this was a work function.. however, you probably don't work with the same type of people I do.

But let's get to it, shall we? Oh goody!

Friday: Loren and I headed to the airport extremely giddy as we coffee'd and scone'd ourselves in advance preparation for any possible airport complications we might've encuntered. One cannot deal appropriately with the stress of airport security measures, which, these days, equals practically stripping down to one's skivvies in front of 150 other strangers doing the same thing, if one is still in a sleepy daze.. no no.. the caffeine must be working thru the system by the time you have to arrange and rearrange proof of the existance of you along with 14 different boarding passes and id's and high school prom pictures or you're screwed. But it still should be obvious that the cutest gay boy ever and his bestest fag hag wouldn't be carrying any concealed bombs in their shoes.. please darling.. that was soooooo last year. We're a little more fashionable than that.

Then we get on the plane, fly fly fly.. la la la.. and no problems until:

*Voice over intercom* 'We're coming up on a little turbulance, so the fasten seatbelt sign has been turned back on. Please return to your seats.'

I really didn't think anything of this.. even with some of the shaking.. and it seemed.. oh, maybe a little.. excessive.. but I was the picture of 'calm'. Yes I was. And then.. we DROPPED. Like a fucking ROCK. For probably two excruciatingly scary seconds. Did we hear everyone go 'OH!'? Did I almost throw up that coffee and scone?! Did I FREAK the FUCK out??! Oh yeah.. all of the above and I can tell you Loren thought I was going to break his frickin hand I was holding it so hard.. I didn't open my eyes again til we were landing. And you KNOW I wasn't the only one freaking out cuz EVERYONE ON THE PLANE CLAPPED. In relief! So there! Pffft.

I felt ill for the next few hours but we were thrilled to be in Vegas finally. Then I got a call from one of my co-workers who'd arrived earlier telling me that the Ultimate Fighting Championship was being held at our hotel, which I didn't really get until she said they were all in the lobby and they were all hot. Suddenly now I was paying attention. Go figure. After Loren and I checked in, we saw a few ourselves.. and oooooooh my.. one in particular, niiiiiiice arms, very attractive.. and all I could think was, oh honey.. that pretty face of yours is going to be smashed in and broken tomorrow night! Tsk, tsk.. what a shame..

We checked out the room, which had a pretty fabulous view, tho attempts to take pictures of it at night did not fare well considering the flash prevented seeing anything but the backlight of the room itself. So I gave up that idea. Instead we decided to wander before dinner thru the New York, New York and the MGM. The MGM lions were very impressive and I took a bazillion pictures of them cuz even tho they looked at me like I could've been an appetizer, still.. CUTE!

Dinner was at the Pink Taco, the so-trashy-we're-hip name of the restaurant in the Hard Rock casino. And while waiting for our reservation with 20 minutes to kill, I won $20 on the quarter slots! Yahoo! Of course I lost $10 of that in the next two minutes and decided to cash out. I thought, hey.. gambling is easy! Well.. sorta.

At dinner, where most of my office was continuing the buzz they started on the plane, a bachelorette party (one of a kajillion I saw while in Vegas) sat outside in plain view of our table.. and, thusly, I give you what eventually led to, example A: which doesn't look so bad, but one second after this picture was taken of Kyle, our VP of sales, he buried his married face into the oh-so-buxom bosom of the girl with the shiny red bra. Yes. Lovely. And on their way out, the bride-to-be, who wore a becoming veil of chiffon with CONDOMS sewn in it - yes, all the rage in Milan this season I hear - addressed my side of the table saying they were composing an alphabet photo journal and they were on the letter 'D' . so guess what they needed a picture of.. oh c'mon, just guess already. There lacked any hesitation on our part in pointing Kyle's direction for the example they required - for which he obliged immediately followed by screams and oh's shouted from the opposite table. My co-worker did her best to shield her eyes, but I fear she may be scarred for life. However, in Kyle's defense, he's got some snazzy boxers. As boy so astutely observed when he accompanied me to my office Christmas party back in December, "You guys don't have an HR department, do you?"

I then proceeded to spill a large amount of food upon my pretty shirt. Why why WHY am I blessed with that particular skill, I ask you..? So Loren, and I, along with my co-worker, Darlene, and her daughter went back to the hotel - not thinking we would miss out on the ENTIRE rest of my company going to Crazy Horse Too for LAP DANCES! I mean what is a trip to Vegas without a lap dance people??! I think a very dull one, yes I do! Tho it did probably save me a thousand pictures of me with my face turning 80 shades of red in front of my co-workers so I'm a teensy bit grateful that didn't happen.. but that's all. LAP DANCES people! God!

After the lap dance extravaganza, the crew rejoined us back at the Hard Rock where there was quite the frustration as we tried to get into Body English, Hard Rock's nightclub, which, by the way, if you LOVE lines and cheesy long-haired soap opera looking guys with clipboards who promise you they'll 'be right with you', then GO MY CHILDREN, GO! But we are not those people and there was much irritation after promises of VIP-ness were not remembered.. and I watched my sales manager and her cute boyfriend convince them to let us in and um, hi, no, we aren't buying any bottles, let alone three.. whatever dude.. let us IN. And we got in, shockingly. But once inside, Loren and I looked at each other after only a few minutes hearing the worst hip-hop ever and seeing just how crowded it was, we thought, hmm.. yeah.. don't think so.. and we left to gamble instead.

Aaaaaand.. I learned to play craps!! I did! And I was winning! Well, cuz this guy next to me just told me to play what he was playing - but I was winning! MONEY! Like.. lots! Ok.. $10 at a time.. but still! I got to roll the dice and everything! For 10 minutes! They said that was a long time, ok? And I did my best to restrain myself from kissing them like they do in the movies - but there weren't any slow motion effects to go along with it so I thought, um.. no.. that would be so not worth getting some weird dice disease cuz I didn't know where those dice had been.. no no.. but I did learn something while winning lots of money.. which was not, to be clear, NOT how to keep it.. and um.. shortly thereafter, I was losing all said money won. No real shocker there.. I have better luck throwing $100 bill out the window people.. but I left with $30 and that was fine with me.

We tried to find another nightclub, but had a hard time admitting maybe we weren't going to find the music we particularly liked and certainly no where without a pretty steep cover. So since the city doesn't really sleep, we thought we'd better. 12:30am on our first night in Vegas = done. Yes, we're sissies.. just frickin say it already.

Saturday: Loren had a fabulous idea to head down to The Paris and have crepes for breakfast. On our way down to meet Jamie and her girlfriend who were coming with, this random drunk got in the elevator and on his way out asked us if we'd heard about the DEAD BODY that was found in the hallway on the 25th floor the day before... yeah.. just throws that out there - no pleasantries, no 'Have a good day'. No! Dead body is the first thing he can think of. Um, hi.. that would be a NO, we hadn't heard and oh yeah, thank you for ruining my appetite. But then of course he left and we were like.. oooh.. was CSI and homicide here and everything?? The answer was yes. Yes they were.. and crap! We missed it! There was some glory in being the first to spread the news around to the group and witness the shock - I know - sue me for that bit of morbid enjoyment. I'm evil.

We really got to exploring then. The four of us wandered down the strip, took pictures, walked by Elvis and dammit if I didn't get a picture of him - again, what is Vegas with no picture of Elvis?? I know.. my bad. But we saw our first-and-only-real-life showgirl in front of The Paris, got our crepes - which took FOREVER - ohmygod, Saturday morning in Vegas - DO avoid brunch if you can - and then wandered over to The Bellagio where we took the BEST PICTURES EVER IN THE HISTORY OF PICTURES in front of the Jesus Saves guy. We, of course, thought we were causing such a scene but I don't think the Jesus Saves guy was really paying close enough attention. I told Jamie and her girlfriend they were going to burn in Hell anyway - just for effect.

The Bellagio was beautiful.. and we took many pictures as you'll have to check out in the flickr badge cuz Blogger is being difficult.. but again, don't view them as a slideshow or you'll miss me being all kinds of funny and humorous and all things comedic in the comments. Yes you will!

We then hit the roller coaster at The New York, New York and all I can tell you is that thing fucking scared the crap out of me! It was great! It was fast! And I thought I was going to DIE! I mean, I LOVE roller coasters, don't get me wrong.. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. But the pictures didn't lie.. you know the ones they take during the ride while you're screaming your bloody guts out.. and oh yes, I look like the first anonymous girl about to be killed in any given horror movie - THAT scared. True story. Needless to say, we didn't need the pictures to remember the ride.

We were exhausted after that so we tried to nap, but Darlene found a t-shirt with my name on it that she wanted to give me (so sweet) so after I retrieved that, I had to switch elevators in the main lobby in order to get back to my room.. and on my way to my elevator, I felt someone quickly brush by me, someone I only saw a partial side view and mostly the back but noticed the Rolling Stones concert t-shirt on him.. and then I remembered they were at the MGM that night and it was about 5-ish, which made sense that it was probably sound check time and he was hurrying and I saw how thin he was and then the hair, greying, curly, pulled back with a headband and a glimpse of the wrinkly face and then.. OHMYGODWASTHATWASTHAT..? And I locked eyes with only two other guys in the whole crowd of people who were doing the same thing and once words came back to us there was much nodding and shock over having just witnessed the one and only Keith Richards in our midst. Ok, well.. maybe YOU'RE not impressed.. but I get star-struck easily.. and damn, that was fuckin cool. Tho I did think it a bit narcissistic he was wearing his own tour t-shirt..

We met up with the rest of the work crew for dinner at PF Chang's and dear God, drinks were coming slow. Even the CEO was ordering doubles with the rest of us - but Angel doesn't drink doubles.. except wow, they were really good.. so somewhere after dinner, as Loren and I left to kill a little time before the Cirque Du Soleil show, I think I realized I'd had about four of those double gin and tonics and became drunk. But hey, a fun drunk!

We took pretty pictures at The Wynn, but couldn't stay long and made our way back to The Bellagio for Cirque Du Soleil's 'O'. We were so fucking excited we could hardly contain ourselves.. but this is the only picture you get of that.. the ceiling.. cuz they have usher nazis and pictures of these pretty pretty people and all they do are NOT allowed.. I'm sad for you. But we were thoroughly wide-eyed and amazed at the whole experience, including when one of them, who was very very attractive and a perfect specimen of the human body, caught our eyes directly and then playfully splashed both me and Loren! Really! Like a couple of times! And we laughed and thought, oh you silly.. DO IT AGAIN!, but um.. we had to contain ourselves, unfortunately. The front row SO rocked by the way..

The rest of the night was fun, even if O was hard to top. There was some dancing til dawn, some looking really really good, thank you very much, and enough attention from strangers to last me thru to the trip home. Oh and sleep? I think Loren got 1 hour to my none.. but when fun is to be had.. what's sleep?! Eh.. not important..

Well.. until it was time to go.

Here's what the shuttle and all the waiting at the airport due to a delayed flight did to all of us: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH! Yes, be glad you weren't there. Me + Loren = whiney! Ok.. I was the 'whine' part and Loren was the 'y' part, if you want me to be fair.. but this is why we gave up on pictures too. We all looked exactly like we'd stayed up all night.. you know.. cuz we did. Hmm.. yeah.. not pretty.

But honestly, tho it was disappointing to see the Seattle city lights after a long and PAID FOR (yes, that wasn't anything to sneeze at) weekend of partying and know I had to get back to being regular, old me - still broken a bit, tentative - it was nice to leave the extreme stimuli of Vegas behind. For my first time, it didn't suck, that's for sure.. but that much fun people.. expensive! And I totally understand now why people say a couple of days in Vegas is all you need. There's only so much you can take.. well, unless you're Satan.. right?

But if you're just Miss Devylish - who's mostly, almost entirely made up of so many things angelic - Seattle will do. It's not lit up 24/7, we don't party every night, but we do have the best mac n' cheese in the country. And that's all that matters.

7 things - cuz this is STILL faster than writing about Vegas

I've been tagged.. by the cutester Texan. It's not MY fault people. I mean, when one has been tagged, one HAS to respond in kind and follow thru. Not to mention she did this days ago and I'm just catching up which makes me an awful friend of my favorite bloggers.. so I'm required to comply. Besides, this is much faster than the detailed novella I'm writing about Vegas and I will have to hone those brevity skills quickly and decide what is really important cuz goddamn I'm wordy.. as boy knows when he came over last week and I tried to simply tell him the story. About 30 minutes into it he said I needed to find the shorter version and wrap it up. Um.. ya think? Seriously, I have no impromptu editing skills when it comes to the spoken word. Sigh.. it's a process people.

SO.. without further ado:

Sevens

Seven Things to Do Before I Die:
1. Really travel - most of Europe, back to Norway, and Costa Rica to start
2. Stop biting my nails (I'm progressing!)
3. Learn to play the guitar - well
4. Pursue some aspect in film, theatre, or music as a profession
5. Become financially stable/comfortable or just win the lottery
6. Fall in love with the 'right' person in all degrees
7. Find my birth mother

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Be any taller
2. Eat sushi
3. Roll my tongue
4. Become a Republican
5. Be less emotional
6. Love camping
7. Deny myself daily chocolate

Seven Things that Attract Me To Blogging:
1. It's my creative/emotional outlet and saves me from getting writer's cramp
2. I've got readers! And they've become friends! OMG.. it's insanely exciting!
3. I've learned many a new word - thank you dictionary.com and your thesaurus!
4. I'm way funnier here than I am in a journal
5. My favorite bloggers bring me into their worlds I would never know otherwise.
6. I discovered I have a talent for writing that's not too shabby
7. Mundane events become terribly noteworthy when exaggerated into the written word

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. Shut up! (the shocked/I don't believe you version)
2. Fuck, WTF, Motherfucker.. or something like that
3. Endearments - honey, sweets/sweetie, dear, baby, babe, sugar, love, tiger, and still Sparky sometimes for that particular person
4. Shocking/Color me shocked (sarcastic versions)
5. Love you (to most of my friends on a daily basis.. just in case)
6. If by ____, you mean ____ (complete exaggeration and nothing at all like the first ____) then yes, that's exactly it.
7. Rad (yes, we already had this discussion that I'm bringing this back, so shut it)

Seven Books I Love:
1. Catcher In The Rye - J.D. Salinger
2. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
3. James & The Giant Peach - Roald Dahl
4. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal - Christopher Moore
5. Angela's Ashes - Frank McCourt
6. Like Water for Chocolate - Laura Esquivel
7. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood - Rebecca Wells

Seven Movies/DVDs That I Watch Over and Over and Over Again:
1. The Breakfast Club
2. French Kiss
3. The Princess Bride
4. Chicago
5. Amelie
6. Closer
7. The Royal Tenenbaums

Seven celebs who I would be friends with
1. Ellen Pompeo
2. Reese Witherspoon
3. Adam Brody
4. Margaret Cho
5. Kiera Knightley
6. Natalie Portman
7. Ben Folds

Seven People I Want To Join In:
1. Pixie
2. Ironika
3. Mr. Bloggerific
4. Treena
5. T
6. Adammmmm
7. Doug

*** Pomgirl and Lady Miss you've already been tagged by our blonde conspirator or I would've tagged you..

**** And all the rest of y'all, go ahead, just cuz I didn't have the room to tag you, definitely.. feel tagged! Knock yourself out already... geez!

This isn't the real thing, but I promise it's coming!

Ok ok ok! I didn't fall off a cliff or anything and I know you're all just DYING right where you STAND of curiosity over what happened in Vegas.. and for the love of everything that's good and holy.. I'm working on it.. really and truly! Let me give you the break down of the last week tho:

Monday: Day off for Vegas recovery - no computer. You people KNOW I haven't yet found the Sugar Daddy store or the Free Computers and Free Money For Angel store so, you know.. issues there.

Tuesday thru Friday: Work work work, blah blah blah - fighting off cold attempting to attack my oh-so-innocent immune system and not doing a very good job of it.

Wednesday night: Saw boy for second time since break up in January and the evening went well actually - much LOST and Vegas catching up and positive feelings after.

Thursday: Um.. yeah.. screwed the positive feelings apparently.. could I have cried like 8 rivers? ALL. DAY. LONG?! Probably.. but this was also attributed to girly hormones and not just the company of the ex the prior evening.. honest! I mean, estrogen and progesterone are very powerful forces in a woman's body. We could be superheroes.. if crying during those cotton commercials saved the world from evil or something..

Friday: Better - also, cool banquet my friend Matt took me too and random university party after where I felt sorta old. Sniffles and general achyness finally took over.

Saturday: Again, no computer on weekends kids - and off I went to Woodinville to see my friend Kari and her darling family. Was tortured by cuteness of Erin and Lauren, ages 6 and 3 respectively, who begged, pleaded, and bribed with adorable dancing and acrobatic feats in order to get me to stay over night. I mean.. what's an auntie to do under such extreme circumstances? Deny them?! Oh right. YOU try it.

Sunday: After breakfast with the girls and leaving Erin in a puddle of tears (knowing full well this was my fault since she's clearly inherited her auntie's drama-queenness) upon my departure, there was much oohing and ahhing during the late-morning manicure had by me and Ironika B. I was then supposed to hit Bainbridge Island to see yet another niece I haven't yet met, but plans were changed and my schedule was revised to errands about town, then back to Ironika's for a little Pride and Prejudice which was actually very funny and don't let it fool you, a total chic flic.. and then right off to a drink with Keither, for brotherly mentor-ish career advice til late in the evening.

And hi.. we are then back to the work week where people are thinking of quitting (not me) and I have a doctor appointment for possible hip issues cuz I'm apparently 78 and not really 34, and there's another girlfriend in crisis.. I mean, if there was a way to create three of me minus the part where I talk so much, it could really be useful!

Hope you are all well and I'll catch up with you soon.. promise!

The Vegas experience

Well.. I really should just leave you with only this picture to say it all.. but that wouldn't be very nice, would it? Needless to say people.. I survived Vegas! But barely. I wish I had time to write it all out now, but a taste will have to do for the time being cuz even with the day off on Monday to recover, I'm not yet back in tip-top shape.. no sirree.. still much sleeping to be had and I'm wondering how I'm going to encompass the entire weekend into one post adequately! Oh the pressure! And um.. honestly, with all the drinking.. I'm wondering how I'm going to remember it all..

The pictures are uploaded on Flickr for your viewing pleasure my lovelies.. just to your right, one click away.. don't view them as a slideshow or you won't see my oh-so-funny descriptions.. cuz that's what it's all about.. me.. being witty. Yes it is. Shut up.

But I'll leave you with a few teasers:

1. First night - dead body in the hotel.. CSI and EVERYTHING!

2. Ulitmate Fighting Championship men were sort of ALL over.. and we saw them and their hotness and EVERYTHING!

3. I may have seen a Rolling Stone IN PERSON.

4. There may be a story of how I learned to play craps.. and maybe how I won.. and then later, lost.

5. The VP of my company.. that's vice president, thank you.. may have DROPPED HIS PANTS in the middle of dinner in front of oh, everyone AND a bachelorette party.

6. There was a very very fit half naked O acrobat who may have caught our eye and then *gasp* splashed us intentionally in a flirty fashion.. and we may have been totally fine with it.

7. We may have walked 42 THOUSAND miles and I wanted to rip off my own leg and chuck it in the pool at Mandalay.

8. We slept Friday night.. and that was all.

Oooooooh.. that's all you get for now! Ha ha! I promise you'll get a full report as soon as I'm once again a stable individual.. (and realizing what I just wrote.. keep your comments to yourselves..)

Mwah!

Countdown to VEGAS!!!

I'm so FRICKING excited!!! Good God you'd think I've never gone anywhere before.. oh wait.. well, Norway definitely counts.. Hawaii's not attached.. but Mexico and Canada are.. dammit.. Ok.. so I've really never been many places, and the last vacation I took was last June to Sonoma and San Fran, which reminds me not to wait so long between vacations!

But in like.. oh.. 12 hours plus.. um.. oh.. drat.. I don't do math people!! Let's just say really really soon I'M GOING TO BE IN VEGAS!

Ok.. delerium is setting in.. And also, I'm crazy. I've got a ton of shit to do before I get up at the crack of ass dawn.. and like 82 bags to pack .. so I'll miss you while I'm gone my lovelies! Be good!

YAYAYAYAY VEGAS!

Mardi Gras lite = less calories than the real thing! Well, not our way..

So Pixie and I went to have ourselves a little Mardi Gras fun on the hill last night.. and let me tell you, Seattle was having NONE of it. What a boring town we live in. We skipped downtown cuz I'm sure the extreme opposite of 4-people-in-this-bar is 18-frat-boys-trying-very-badly-to-hit-on-us and that was less than appetizing than our other options. Plus, Pixie is always fun to hang with and she even let me play in her dress up closet. If by closet you think I mean ENTIRE ROOM of wigs, belts, boas, and all types of slutty/burning man/goth/hip wear.. yes, that's exactly it.. ooh the choices!

After choosing a little blue number for the Miss D noggin, Pixie coaxed me to hurry up my dallying self so we could get going on the fun fun fun! And no, it didn't matter no one was out but us. There were chocolate martinis to be had, hummus plates and too much cheese to be eaten.. and we turned heads wherever we went, tho Pixie did remind me that that's not always a good thing.. however, girly-gras was a success.. as you can clearly see.

The little blue number is travling onto Vegas with me and Loren thanks to Pixie's generosity.. Clearly, NOW I'm ready.. Vegas baby, Vegas!

How many words CAN I capitalize?

It's now 11:45pm on Sunday night.. and I'm taking stock. Yes, watch out, for you will be amazed at how distracted, but at the same time, productive, I've been since my last post. There are many many things to be grateful for and I shall count them down for you right now.. yes I shall!

1. DAYS have passed with NO drama occurring whatsoever! Shock and awe, people.. shock and awe..

2. There was fun had.. like.. two days worth at least.. AND.. in a row!

3. I saw a really really REALLY great play.

4. I saw a really really REALLY great concert.

5. Someone from my past found me all random like and she wasn't a stalker - that's always good.

6. Um HELLO SATELLITE TV! And.. um.. YAY!

7. FIVE days til VEGAS!

Ok.. that's enough.. and I'll start from the most obvious.. you're probably wondering.. um.. hi.. yeah.. Vegas??! You've sorta left that out of ALL your posts lately.. WTF? And.. uh.. are you taking me?

Well.. yes, I have left that out.. mainly cuz I'm retarded and of scattered mind lately, I've simply forgotten.. and no, sorry.. no room for you, tho yes, you're completely lovely and I wish I could take you, but Loren, the bestest EVER gay boyfriend a straight girl could ask for, is coming with me.. as is my whole office. Did I mention they're paying for oh.. EVERYTHING? Not gambling.. no no.. but you know.. airfare, hotel, 2 gigantic dinners and most likely drinks (my office.. um.. drinks a little..) for anyone who's been there a year or more AND a guest. We will be staying at the fabulous Mandalay Bay Hotel.. Hi.. it's GOLD. Like the whole building! And since yours truly has never been to the hotel, let alone Vegas (oh, I know.. don't start - I've been to Norway, ok? Have you?!), so I'm utterly clueless as to what's going on there, let me tell you, other than from heresay.. but there's a river that runs thru this hotel.. a RIVER people.. and a WAVE POOL. Where people SURF. Like.. for real. Like they were in the OCEAN.. except, TOTALLY NOT.. cuz they're IN THE LOBBY.. or at least that's what I'm imagining.. so don't ruin it for me til I can take pictures and prove it to you. Don't think I won't either.

It's going to be RAD (Yes, I'm bringing that word back. Shut up.)! Loren even got us Front. Row. Center. seats to see the Cirque Du Soleil's show 'O'. I'm not even going to tell you what he paid for EACH ticket cuz it's simply gross.. Let's just say he won't be splurging on me for any number of holidays or birthdays for years to come..

And WHO watched Grey's Anatomy tonight in the most beautifully CLEAR picture I've ever seen in my life?! Oh dear God, when The Satellite Guy (he corrected me when I called him *gasp* The Cable Guy) was completed and was about to leave, I had to stifle the urge to hug him. It was difficult. I already have all the Lost episodes ready to record.. and every single damn minute of the Oscars on Sunday, since I'll be coming back to sanity from Vegas - the pre-show dallying and gawking at everyone's cleavage in their overpriced gowns as well as the main show and of course, the aftermath discussing who messed up in dress choices and who was cute as could be or annoying-as-ever-Tom-and-Katie-gagging-combo and then I have ALL. DAY. OFF. the next day to watch all blissful zillion hours of that fine fine evening.. I love that shit. I'm ridiculous. Yes I know this already.. be quiet.

That leads finely into Swimming in the Shallows, which is this fun play I saw with Keither on Thursday.. and yes, I'm so going out of order.. so sue me. But this play is great! It's funny! There's a shark in it! It's done by Washington Ensemble Theatre, or W E T as they're called, which couldn't be more perfect for a Seattle-based theatre company. The acting couldn't have been better really, the set was simple, yet very cool, the script is contemporary and quick-witted.. and um.. the guy who played the shark was cute. Not like I noticed or anything, he's probably 12, but.. still. If you live here, seriously, go see it.. like, now. I'm not kidding. Don't make me come over there..

Friday night was Brandi Carlile, and Wow. A-MAY-ZING voice, which I think every time I see her, and oh.. randomly, we were right next to her GRANDMOTHER whom I had to gush for a moment all over cuz I told her we thought her grandaughter was incredible.. She said something to the effect of 'Oh, we think that too,' and called me 'baby' a few times when she asked to get by us. Tee hee..

And get this.. I got a message on myspace yesterday from a very nice girl named Treena saying something about me looking good, hi, how are you, see you later. That was it. Obviously, I think, well, that's nice of that very nice young girl to find me all out of the blue and say such nice nice things and then I see her cute little profile and she's from Lincoln City, where I went to high school, and in the span of a millisecond I put all the things together and then it hits me: Um.. duh.. that's TREENA.. like, the Treena who was in the same high school class as YOU dummy (this is what I was saying to myself.. not you, the reader.. out there.. duh.. unless you know her.. ?)! And we exchange a few messages over myspace and I read some of her blogs and, get this.. she sounds just like me. Like a lot lot. And I'm trying to remember.. I didn't think we were that close, but we had many of the same classes, hung around the same people, tho I was much MUCH nerdier and oh, you should've just SEEN my eyebrows.. well, you will never, but trust me.. scary. Me = big BIG dork in high school, tho at least not completely stupid.. and her = rather popular, fun, sweet.. don't have anything bad to say about her at all, especially since her parents owned a candy store in town and there's really nothing bad you can say about someone who's parents own a candy store now can you? I think at some point we were cheerleaders together, but it was 17 years ago, so I could be wrong. Yeah.. hi, did you catch that? SEVENTEEN YEARS.. AGO. In the past. When perms were in, people. Oh.. it was a frightening time. But it made my whole day to find out what she's been doing all this time - girl's in the Air Force.. da-ham! She's married, two gorgeous little girls and we'll be trading more pictures of all our friends' kids I'm sure and reminiscing like mad. Isn't this world so tiny sometimes? It's just wee!

Last night - yes now Sunday is last night cuz it's Monday at 7:06pm right now - I do have things to do people - I did get busy tho - noooo.. not that kind of busy you filthy filthy monsters.. somehow I just got on a mission and now I'm almost completely unpacked! Things are starting to get organized and up on shelves and there's almost no newspaper OR cardboard left at all! And the roommate is almost picked.. skies are looking bluer even tho it's terribly rainy and grey here.. but I refuse to see that! Things are shining up.. they really are! Ok.. I'm delirious.. vegasvegasvegas!!

Aaaaaaaaand.. the brevity skills are so sucking.. have you noticed? No? Hm.. you look a little like a LIAR.. but that's ok. I like you for that. Keep that up.

4 days til VEGAS! Whoo hoo!

Random brightness

You know what I'm doing? Reading blogs.. Yes, the ones to your left. Err.. wait.. your right. Yes.. and also, I'm tired. But people, I'm doing some catch up! I've been so self-absorbed (yes, I said it..) that I've neglected YOU, my lovely little writers. You who write much, MUCH shorter than I! So you'd think it'd be easy! Quick like bunny.. but noooooooo.. I'm bad. I left to see a movie with girlfriends and how DARE I?! So I'm BACK! Just for YOU!!!

Ok.. so really I sort of um.. FORGOT the on call phone, which, when you work for a very small telecom company where you and your co-workers do a variety of tasks, including taking turns answering repair calls in the middle of the NIGHT, which is very not during the regularly scheduled working DAY.. you sort of have to do this once in a while.. like, um.. tonight. So I came back for it. AND you! Don't forget YOU! Really!

Did I mention you look really good today? Oh yeah.. you really do.. Is that a new shirt? Good color.. oh yeah.

But back to me.. and I will be brief (Ooh aren't you SO proud? I'm SO working on my brevity skills! And I'm getting better too! Ok.. maybe not just yet.. but it will happen.).

Tonight I hung out with the girls, Fatima and Abby, and we saw The Family Stone. There wasn't a lot of catching up time cuz it was a rush to the movie, a $4.50 bargain I might add at the Admiral Theatre.. yes I just might! Tho there may have been some pretzel splurging at the concessions by.. someone, I'm not naming names, who also may have added some it's-so-NOT-real-it-will-prevent-your-body-from-decomposing-when-you-DIE-but-you-love-it-anyway nacho cheese (notYOcheese) with that.. And oooh it was gooood.. and oooh the movie was kee-uuute! Ok.. I just need to say.. Luke Wilson? Yeah.. um.. dreeeeeeeee-meee! Mmm.. scruffy.

And then you know what else? I got a message from my friend Jay.. who's so so gorgeous, and yet, really just rambles on and on.. and ON when he leaves you a voicemail.. and he's STRAIGHT (Straight boys and rambly don't usually go together.. right? Not in my world.)! Don't believe me? I could tell him to call you.. seriously.. you have NO idea.. but there I was, laughing.. and you know what comes with laughing don't you? Smiling! Yes, I was doing BOTH of those things SIMULTANEOUSLY even! It was maybe even MAGIC. A doctor didn't even have to be called!

Ahh.. so, here I am, acknowledging silly things like a bargain movie with the girls and random messages from flaky, but not completely invisible, friends are good for me. Aaaaaand I almost forgot to mention the surprise Ironika B. bestowed upon me last Saturday - a cheery mani/pedi with Starbuck's in hand as my present for Valentine's! And ooh you should just SEE my toes girls.. SO pretty!! I swear, this is the cure for not biting my nails! Wish I'd thought of it sooner (and yes, T, I recognize you suggested this idea not terribly long ago. I just didn't really believe it'd work!).

Tomorrow is a play with Keither, Friday night is a Brandi Carlile concert at The Showbox with my friend Scott and his pack of 'gays of our lives' cuz we are big fans of great singers.. but you can't throw a stick without hitting a great gay singer these days.. not that there's anything wrong with that.. that is what the boys like, so I'm told, and Saturday I'm checking out some new roommate possibilities and OHMYGOD the CABLE GUY IS COMING! I'm not.. um.. excited about that or anything.. but if he just happens to get it ALL working and it's a bee-u-tee-fully CLEAR picture BEFORE the new Grey's Anatomy on Sunday, I think I may actually spontaneously combust! Hopefully not before the show tho.. or before the NEW LOST EPISODE as well. Duuuuuuuude.. I can barely contain my excitement.. tee hee!! <--- See that? I said 'dude' at 34 years old AND that is me containing, but barely.. honest!

It's nice to have some small sparkles in my world.. Even without the sun in this dreary winter, there's a tad bit of shine and I'm diggin' it.

Limping along

Hallelujah! It's over.. Sorry.. you HAD to know that was coming.. even if yours truly had not one, but three invitations for mixed company on Valentine's, it was a bit tough to remain bright and sparkly throughout the day. By 5pm, I was feeling not so shiny cuz honestly, I just missed boy.

Broken hearts are so not the rage kids.. No matter what anyone says.. don't believe the hype.. they're totally overrated.

I did get flowers tho.. a gorgeous bouquet of irises, daisies and lillies and my company for the evening couldn't have been sweeter.. however, loss.. change.. healing.. it's a lot of work to get thru and tho I did my best to keep it at bay that night, I knew that little ache was still there stewing. I mean, I'm doing well.. really.. and then sometimes, um.. yeah, not so much. But you know.. Life. Goes. On..

And Life has NOT been quiet in the least.. no it has not. Bad Life! No biscuit! Remember, I'm quite the magnet for drama even if I am trying to change that.. and there's been an unprecedented amount of crazy going on this last month and a half that's been sucking the life out of me, which involves a variety of people.. friends, new roommates, the new landlord.. good God.. if everyone doesn't fucking calm down, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to. But I tried.. tried to be reasonable and logical with everyone and in some cases, I succeeded. The landlord and I will be fine even tho he did raise the figures for the move-in costs from when we talked to the actual signing of papers - sure, sure.. I'm made of money. Yup.. totally. The new roommate is already moving out (don't make me go into this story.. at least not for another month. It's being resolved and another roommate will be found for the first, I hope.. and ohmygod.. will I have things to tell you people.. and you will say very delicately.. um.. helloooo.. how did you NOT see that coming??? And I will say very obviously.. um.. hi..yeah..you are talking to an idiot.. so.. um.. that's why.) and it's just better that way.

In other cases, it's likely another friendship could be severed over hurt feelings and misunderstandings.. tho it won't be for any lack of trying to save it on my part. The recent birthday invite excluded me and I surmised from that her final decision was made without my direct involvement. Dissolving a long-term friendship is not easy for me, especially when trying my best to cope with the most recent divergence in almost-boyfriendland to our own individual republics.. I'm just saying.. the rain of bad luck could STOP now.. um.. anytime even... Sigh.. I mean, girl is loyal to a fault - mine and theirs.. which is something I should probably work on, but, in hindsight, I've found when friendships are over, however difficult, it's probably been in the best interest of everyone involved, tho the jury's yet to make a formal decision on this one. We'll see..

Because of recent happenings, as of late, I've felt so very small and little girl-ish.. I've been wishing that my father were still alive to run to so he could tell me things will be ok. There's just that craving to be covered, to feel safe in the arms of a caring protecter.. Honestly tho, I don't remember either of my parents ever being that way too often, but my friends (especially the girlfriends who are incredible mother substitutes at times as I mentioned in the last post) have done their best to fill in when they can. But that urge for being sheltered by a strong man is something primal I've always needed. And no, I've never claimed to be the best feminist role model. Other than my father, there used to be more reliable male friends of mine upon whom I could rely.. and now, it's a smattering of exes who have remained good friends, but are rarely available or my friend of 15 years, Keith, who's like my older brother and therefore, even as faux family, he can't disown me.. Yet, male or female, I don't want to max out the patience of those who love and support me so I'm working to find my own inner-strength to break down the issues I'm facing into smaller ones I can manage.. calmly, gracefully.. remembering to breathe helps.. and I think it's working.. slowly.

And you know.. here's the best thing, to me anyway.. My little Jersey cow of a kitty is happy. Look at her so frickin cute playing with her catnip-filled mouse. This is a very happy girl, yes it is. Although, last week.. um.. we did have one little, tiiiiiny mishap involving her first outing one morning when she didn't come back. I had to leave for work, but when I returned, I heard her crying cuz she was trapped up the hill in the briars across the street and had been there ALL day. After much whining from her and me both, cursing myself for being a bad mommy, some trudging thru the thorns with my handy kitchen shears and never-ever-used-before gardening gloves (man those things come in handy!) while making A LOT of noise which she hates, she figured out how to get out on her own and without any harm done to herself, I might add, while I managed to scratch the crap out of my ENTIRE body in random places in my effort to SAVE my little girl.. there she was.. la la la.. in front of the house looking perfectly FINE, curious as to what the hell I was doing with a panicked look of relief on my face! Um.. yeah.. nice.

So the moral of the story here is not to get caught up in the briar patches.. cuz um.. when it starts to get really noisy, you'll find your way out all on your own.. (???) Or.. even if the thorns of life ruin your expensive jeans and snag your nice sweater, the reward is that you solved the problem on your own and found what you'd lost - maybe even something you weren't looking for to begin with.

Sounds like a good ending to me.

Strength of the female

I have a lot of people I'd call my friends, tho the group has dwindled some in recent years with prioritizing of who really matters at all times and who is merely an acquaintance or someone I'd rather not know at all after some thinking. I used to lean more towards male friends years ago when I was just starting my time in Seattle cuz that's just the way it happened, but over time, I've established a more even playing field in the men to women ratio and actually, whether there are more of them or not, my female friends find a way to stand out.

Among my group of girlfriends there accumulate various sorts of unfortunate circumstances endured in their pasts ranging from extreme physical and mental abuse, a plethora of conditions, illnesses and/or diagnoses to abortions, heartbreaks, deaths, random dissolutions, divorces, bad marriages, and worse parents. These struggles aren't how I identify them, but knowing they didn't escape their history unscathed, I'm awestruck at the amazing women they've become despite those challenges that could easily have broken anyone. In some of their situations, I really don't know how they survived..

Some of these women have children, want children, or are about to have children, some are great explorers/travelers/adventurers, they all inspire and challenge, they lead, they question, they answer, they feel.. Within those silver linings, they still have their own issues of insecurity, fear, lonliness, happiness, and hopes for success and worries of failure as mothers, friends, lovers, people. They admit their mistakes, try to see where they can improve, they remain open to suggestion and growth in order that they might learn something new. None try to be perfect, and we all second-guess ourselves from time to time, but, to me, their imperfections are what make them the extra sparkly diamonds they are.

Each of them has an incredible beauty about her that can quietly overwhelm you if you're unprepared. I'm not talking about the physical, tho that's a given and each woman has something rare and unique about her that causes heads to turn wherever she goes.. but they also have a power I've noticed - and I'm not kidding - be it an aura that maybe a few might be able to see, but which I don't have to in order to know it's there when I'm with any one of them. Combine a few in the same room and the energy is fierce. These women are striking, dynamic, determined, strong... and that's the allure I'm talking about.

In this time of self-reflection and review I'm going thru, each one of my girlfriends has given me at least one piece of ever-so-sound advice and/or a nudge of the positive for my ego like they were shiny pieces of candy made just for me. When opened up, the wrapping makes the happy, crinkly sounds of Christmas and once tasted, the sweetness of it all takes over and there's simply nothing I can do but feel loved and accepted. Being around them is addictive and tho the attractions to them for me are different, I can see why the men in their lives are as drawn to them as they are. Some are guarded and don't grant their trust easily, but the rewards of being patient in that aspect are certainly worth it for the tenacity of their loyalty alone once you've crossed that invisible line from acquaintance to friend. And, when you're in need, they don't fail to come thru for you.. ever.

These are women who know the meaning of friendship - a fundamental principle - especially as we get older when friendships are harder to create in the real world away from college campuses and hometowns. The girls have found new communities in their neighbors, their leaps to new careers, Burning Man, book clubs, play dates, writing retreats, drawing, dancing, and yoga classes.. yet they still understand the commitment to cultivate the old friendships that already exist - some for years.. the friends that know them inside and out, who possibly knew them with braces and big bangs and it amazes me that our lives can move in completely separate directions of house buying, career building, and family creating, yet we still manage to find the time to spend together, never running out of things to discuss even tho our interests aren't always the same.

Recently tho, a self-esteem deficit has permeated the group more than a little and it's not just me mucking about in uncertainty of self. It's funny how we more or less just echo each other in times like this.. the same things are said - you're smart, beautiful.. and you matter. Maybe it's not quite that simple, tho those things do help to hear. We ask questions, we delve into the situations which reflect a thinking that circles around co-workers, friends, family, and lovers 'putting up' with us, and we try to convince each other away from those damaging thoughts pointing out it's not just we who need to work at the relationship, work situation and/or family life. So we listen as one of us plays the story teller and with every other word, inflicts her own beating upon herself, calls herself crazy, and sometimes denies her feelings are even valid. The others of us are immediately there for reassurance, to pull her out of that dark place she's created, help her see the light that we already know exists around her that brightens our day, which brings life to those who love her cuz the positives by far outweigh any faults she may have, but are hard for the rest of us to find. The inner strength and confidence are there. Sometimes we all just need to hear what we already know about ourselves.. OR when the self-pitying gets to be too much, maybe even a good swift kick in the ass can do the trick. Don't think the girls aren't well-skilled in that.

When I'm in any difficult situation, one or two of them always pop into my mind and I do my best to channel their personality and see if any of their natural grace with which they solve problems has rubbed off on me. Sometimes I can tell it has.. and other times, I think I must not have paid close enough attention and need to take better notes. One of my favorites that has finally sunken in is from my best friend, Fatima, who always lets me know when she thinks something is complete bunk by saying it's simply not worth it. He's/She's not worth it, the argument isn't worth it, worrying/obsessing/talking about it Is. Not. Worth. It. And you know, I don't even have to think about it cuz instantly I know she's right.

My friends are my chosen family. They know I'd do anything for them even tho I have to remind some of the more stubborn girls regularly that it's ok to ask for help. I'd answer a call at any time of day or night, would be there at a moment's notice for support or just a shopping date simply cuz they asked. But that's an easy repayment for what I know their friendship gives me.. it makes me a better person, makes me stronger, bolder, and happier, makes me scrutinize my past mistakes and helps me prevent from making more of the same.. and it makes me feel incredibly blessed that they're apart of my life..

Of all my friends, my girlfriends are integral to my life. I need them. That's all there is to it. I've told a few of them recently I'd simply die without them - and tho it's an exaggeration, to some extent I feel like my spirit would give up if they weren't there. They've become a requirement in my world and it'd be a lot less colorful if even one of them wasn't in it. They make me feel brighter from the inside out.. like a little lantern - ok, like a very talkative little lantern.. but whatever.. Their unending supply of support, generosity, honesty, strength, kindness, or a handy firm tone when it's required doesn't surprise me. I know them.. they're capable of anything and I could never say I'm grateful enough. In their company, I glow just from the light that radiates from them.. and when they laugh, they shine - all north star like..

I hope they know how much they mean to me.