Another Year, Another Blogversary For Me!

I can hardly believe it's been four years since I started blogging. That's a long time and a lot of posts that have encompassed some good, some bad, some difficult and happy, lots of break-ups.. and I hope more love than anything. A friend who apparently has been reading since I began said I sound calmer these days. I laughed. I just hope I've grown. I have my days and my bad habits and God knows I know how to rant and go on, don't I? Don't answer that. But I think I've grown up a lot, right here in front of all four of you. Thanks.. for allowing me that time, that is. I'm glad I have this.. I'm glad you're all there.. even if it's only virtual. Don't think that doesn't still count - because it does.

******************************

Last week was really pretty tough. Not that you're asking of course.. but you know, this blog is sort of all about me. I could say I'm not self-absorbed here, which you and I both know isn't true, however, it is my blog, right? I digress..

There are moments that bring a lot of light and joy. I don't love the way it comes and goes - the weight on my chest that makes me throw myself on my bed in a pile of tears or a good friend or even a kind acquaintance that takes the time to make a difference in my day and bring a smile to my face. It's a lot like this weather - grey and cloudy one moment and bright and sunny the next and I wish I could just bathe in the warmth of the latter. I'm trying.

The break up setting in combined with the usual hormonal shift was just slightly less than crushing and all I could hope for was the time to pass so I could get beyond it and feel better. It took forever, let me tell you. Most eternal weekend ever - and not in a good way.

As we're hitting the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival VIP night with friends tonight, Jake and I had to make sure we were outfitted appropriately. I was so looking forward to spending part of my Saturday afternoon with him. But as my emotions would have it, they were very close to the surface that morning and as soon as he walked in, they refused to be stifled much.

We made it thru brunch, which was lovely. It was good to see each other and I could see he just wanted things to be light. I really did too. I tried to be strong. His suit consisted of pretty much the first things he tried on from the first store we entered in Madison Park and it was gorgeous and perfect and such a deal. We even picked out sweet cuff links. We found the perfect tie downtown that was almost exactly what I'd envisioned. The last stop was Red Light back on the hill so I could get some shiny white gloves and that was that. Three hours had gone in a flash and I spent most of it wishing quietly in my head, trying to keep my emotions in check, and when I wasn't succeeding, holding onto him and trying to understand why we weren't together.

I was kind of pathetic.

He was very patient.

Until he wasn't.

Not his fault - I pushed for answers he couldn't provide once we pulled up to my house where I just should've said a sweet goodbye, given him a hug and gotten out of the car. But no. I had to say more, like I hadn't said ALL the words I could think of already because for some reason, I thought maybe if I found another way to tell him or show him how much I loved him and he realized how much he loved me, he'd see he was ready, he could be in this with me. And the tears! God.. where does all the water come from? No wonder Jake was frustrated and unable to say anything new and trying really hard to maintain his own composure.

I walked in the house and let myself cry it out - um.. for a couple of hours. Tho I was completely exhausted by the time I got to my show at Annex that night, I was grateful for the distraction and FINALLY, somewhere in the middle of the show, things eased up on my chest and it didn't hurt so much. I could breathe! I could laugh! And I sighed for relief that this was a really awful day - but I think I'd made it thru the worst part AND LIVED!

Sunday had me feeling like ok.. I will get thru this now and yes, it's sad, but he's still in my life and that's something positive. I also found a little more acceptance that it's more than likely he won't find his way back to me. And, even if we could manage that, the relationship we had is still over. We won't ever have the same relationship, which is a good thing because by the end of it, it was such a struggle - tho of course, it was really the happiest I've ever been in my life and that's saying something.

I ran around the city doing lots of errands and my spirts just felt much brighter. I was looking forward to some time with The Artist's new girlfriend, MJ, who was coming with me to see Sunday In The Park With George. The free tickets were courtesy of L'il Peach, Boz' girlfriend, who works at a bigger local theatre, which is nice that we have that world in common. I'd never seen it, but had heard much about it - mainly that it was about being an artist - and of course, loving that artist. Couldn't be more perfect right?

Once the show started, both MJ and I were immediately fascinated. The state-of-the-art tech effects transformed the whole museum-like setting on stage into a giant canvas with animated bits and it was simply magical. Seriously, it took our breath away.

The story? Um.. closer to home there. The entire first act is about a very dedicated artist - and the woman who loves him just as passionately - but he clearly makes no room for her and she can only feel in the way for so long before she finds the strength to leave.

Yup. Awesome.. as in cried the ENTIRE time.

The second act shifts to 100 years later and takes place in 1984. This was easier to get thru, but the connection remained and we were still tearing up at the end. It was incredibly moving and beautiful.

I raved to Jake about it the next day including everything it brought up for me. It stayed with me - the fact that creating art takes so much dedication and passion - and I was grateful to share that world with him even if we're not in the same portions of it.. We both love it, are driven by it - he certainly has more at stake than I do and it makes me really proud that I've been steeped in that life with him, even if only for less than a year.

So upwards and onwards, right? Let's test it with SEAF: one crazy and sexy event where I will be with some of my favorite friends and favorite now-ex-boyfriend. Yeah - I know - brilliant. Certainly not the best plan I've ever had. My stomach's in knots and my emotions that had been so good about finding other things to do this week have now risen closer to the surface. I'm challenging them to find Hope and Happiness and Love when he walks thru my door tonight so I can smile easily and joyfully - feeling no weight of what we are not any longer - and just enjoy myself and the time we have together.

Breathing helps..

A lot has happened in the last 12 months. This time last year I was grieving over a relationship that had been more dysfunctional than happy, I'd thrown myself into the theater community where I would meet wonderfully talented people who will probably always be a part of my life and renewed a passion for this art I cherish.. and I fell in love so powerfully, so completely that I discovered a freer and happier side of myself. I saw that in how he saw me. I've never felt so beautiful and so loved before.

I know now how strong I am. I know what's worth fighting for and that I fight for the right reasons, but I really hope over the coming year I don't have to continue to fight that hard. It's exhausting. Still, it's good to know what I'm capable of. It feels badass.. like I'm the Dirty Harry of Hope.. but you know, not as sweaty.

So here's to love for all of us.. the complete kind, the good kind, the best kind. And to this blog - and myself - a pat on the back for another year well spent living in that love as much as possible.

Take A Deep Breath..

I went for a walk today during my lunch break. It was sunny and warm with a slight breeze. Kind of the perfect day.. and despite the gorgeous smells of flowers and freshly cut grass and feeling the sun on my face, I couldn't make myself walk any faster than a leisurely pace. I couldn't find the energy for a smile for the dog-walkers and joggers who passed by. I kept noticing the stress in my forehead and thought of my friend Nic, a close friend who died while we were both in college, when he reached over one day and literally pressed out the wrinkle between my brows and told me to relax. I hadn't realized I was doing it. I tried to press it out myself today. I also noticed that I was taking these occasional deep breaths and big sighs. Fatima explained, when my stepfather was in the hospital, why he had a respirator even tho he could breathe on his own. It was because when your body is that injured, shallow breaths take over and your body doesn't naturally take in enough oxygen. Today, I could relate.

The break up sunk in today. The feeling that something is definitely broken. I have plenty of moments where I'm not feeling so down, but today it bordered on the crazy.. you know that feeling after a break up that seems so confusing - at least for me, I go thru tears and frustration, questions that aren't really answerable or are completely irrational. And Jake got the brunt of it.

It's not that I feel badly or apologetic for my behavior - I did apologize, but only because I saw what I was doing and couldn't stop myself and it wasn't making the situation between us easier. He understood and was extremely patient. He couldn't answer my questions very directly tho he tried as honestly as he could and he knew he didn't make me feel much better.

But you can't sit around crying all damn day or worrying about the future when you have no idea which way things will end up.. right round - or wrong.. and I'm so over it - being miserable. I don't know how much time he needs, I don't know how we will change once that time passes.. I'm trying really hard not to live in the unknown because that place is awful. I realized today I just have to process the grief and find a way to be ok without him even tho I don't want to admit we're over for good. We still talk - tho at some point, more space will be necessary - he's bad at taking that as well.. but it will just add to the confusion if we don't and my friends are for days like today. To tell me I sound a little psycho or bi-polar.. but they understand that's just normal for this situation. I don't want him to see me going thru the process - it's ugly as all get out. I just hope the light we see in each other manages to keep us connected thru the worst parts that we're feeling now.

Call me ridiculous.. but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Missing Piece

There's only so much you can do when you've reached The Impasse with the person you love. You can try to fix it, talk til the wee hours - thru tears and meaningful words until your eyes are all puffy and red - frequently and often, provide patience and understanding.... But if you want the relationship because you want him and he wants you but isn't sure about the relationship - then stop. Just stop. How can he figure out if he wants a relationship while trying to be in one? Even sort of almost in one, or whatever we are/were..? He can't. You can't. It's not helping, I said, this limbo, for either of us.

So I found the strength to let him go. For weeks/months/...? For now at least.. I can't think further than that because I don't want to.

Go. Be yourself. Don't fight it so much. Don't try so hard to figure it out. That's too much pressure. Just be you.. without me. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do..

I'm committed to two projects at his theatre - one in May and one in June. I will see him. He will see me. We will be good to each other thru this and I have to hope we'll come out the other side somewhere positive. Hopefully together.

Honestly, I don't know..

I realized yesterday that all my boyfriends and I have always had some sort of pet name for each other. Jake and I never found anything we easily gravitated to. We were always 'love'. From the beginning it was always 'Hi love!' or 'Morning love!' in our emails or texts or words. I know it's silly to hang on that, but he's my love and I'm his. To me, it said everything we needed. Everything we were.. are.. shit.

I feel in my heart we belong to each other.. I think he feels that too. I have to believe it'll work out eventually.. but right now, it just feels like hell.

A Good Day

I'm feeling listy today.. and that's long overdue.. 

What makes a good day? I'll tell you:

* Feeling the first REAL day of spring - almost summer-time weather in Seattle.. a lovely 65 degrees that built into around 72. 

* Wearing sandals.

* Feeling like for once, I got enough sleep.

* Not yawning all day or feeling like I need a pick-me-up cup of Earl Grey.

* A good, long cardio-ish walk around my office's neighborhood for lunch instead of going to the gym. I got a little color on my face, broke a sweat, ran stairs and took in all the blooming trees and gorgeous water view of Lake Union. 

* Taking a picture of my lunch destination, under the University Bridge, where there's a pretty view of the canal and the pink trees and weeping willows to send to Boyfriend. 

* Opening the windows at work and feeling the breeze.

* Having a good day at work and feeling productive.

* Eating a yummy sandwich. 

* Feeling appreciated.

* Feeling pretty.

* Humming.

* Actual singing.. like.. loudly.. 

* Leaving work and feeling like the day wasn't and still isn't wasted.

* Driving with the window down and the sunroof open.

* Hearing church bells loudly as I drove by playing in time with the song playing in my car. It's kind of awesome.. I felt like the queen or something.

* Happy scooter people.

* Kids playing little league baseball.

* Watching Emma Kitty take another tentative visit outside our new apartment because my front door is wide open to let in the light and the sun and the warmth.

* The curried chicken salad I'm just minutes away from buying at Madison Market right before I'm headed to rehearsal tonight. 

* Honey Dijon Kettle Chips.

* Passover treats from the Boyfriend.

* Sweet notes of condolences from the Mom of said Boyfriend.

* The smell of my neighborhood from all the pink trees, magnolias and dogwoods.. God, it's fantastic.. 

Farewell..

He's gone. My stepfather. Passed just around noon today, a couple of hours after they took out the breathing tube. He'll be mourned by all who knew and loved him. He'll be remembered fondly. 

I'm sad it took so long to warm up to him, but I'm so glad to have known him.  He was gentle and kind to my mother and provided a love in her life she may never have known without him. Still, they had barely three years together.. and I so wanted more for her. That's what I ache for.. the pain enveloping her at this very moment.. that she'll have to process and work thru on her own. It's not fair.

I know Dale didn't want to leave her this way. I know he at least got to communicate with her and say he loved her and goodbye. I know he's at peace and I can only hope my mother finds that soon as well. 

Goodbye Dale.. I hope your heaven is filled with westerns, bottomless coffee, feisty dachshunds and a comfy chair. The world was a better place while you were here.. quirky sentiments and all. I hope you'll check in from time to time on Mom to make sure she's ok. She'll miss you so much. We all will. 

Elegy

My mom met Dale in a casino of all places. After six weeks of knowing each other, they were engaged. I was stunned. She was acting like a 17-year-old. It was his third marriage and her second. Both of his previous wives had passed away and Mom was also a widower. Seems everyone was taken by some form of cancer or another. I wasn't overjoyed about it. I didn't want another father and just didn't know what this person she'd known for such a short amount of time would bring to her and our family.

I was Mom's maid of honor. I had horrible hair having gone to a new place and they'd destroyed it. I just wanted everything to be perfect for Mom and I felt kind of awkward. But Mom was beaming. You could tell she was nervous, but happy. I don't remember the last time I'd seen her that happy prior to that day. I'd never seen her that happy with my father ever. I knew she'd made the right choice and I was glad she'd found a new companion. She deserved to have love like that in her life. She deserved to find something more complete and fulfilling than her first marriage. 

It was really hard for me to get used to the idea when they first started dating. I put those feelings aside for the wedding, but it took a while before I really felt comfortable chatting with Dale on the phone or in person. He never asked me to call him 'dad' or anything like that.. and when he and Mom wrote up wills and that sort of thing, he made sure that if anything happened to her, all of what my father had left her would go to my brother and me - and not him first. I was grateful for his consideration and it gave me more faith he loved her for the right reasons. 

He was kind. He was supportive. He was also interested in what was going on with my life. When I had trouble at work and wasn't doing so well there, he shared a story with me how he'd just returned from Vietnam and wasn't coping all that well either. He'd gone to counseling and it took time for him to figure things out.. but it was the sweetest way to tell me he could relate, things would get better, he told me how strong he thought I was and that he was so proud of me. My parents never said things like that.. I was touched at his compassion. 

When Jake and I first started dating, he met my parents before I met his. Just the way it worked out. They just happened to be coming up for a visit and Jake spoiled us all, driving their car even to take us somewhere we could eat with a gorgeous water view I'd never been to. They loved him immediately. And for some reason, because Dale really liked him, that really meant a lot to me. I just hadn't had a father for years and my father was so hard to love sometimes. It was just nice to feel like I not only had chosen a good man to include in my life.. but that I also had a really positive father figure to support that idea and show me that not all fathers have to be angry all the time. Dale was tickled for both Jake and me.. and it was a good feeling. 

Thru this new partnership my mother made, I watched her change. We became closer, she became more loving and supportive and spent a lot less time guilting me for this or that. She was happy. They took weekends away, saw lots of their relatives, and she had instant grandchildren, which really thrilled her to spoil. 

Well after the snow melted here, they came up for a belated Christmas holiday bringing all our presents, Jake's included, with them. They came to see Marat/Sade at Balagan, which I'd stage managed and even tho they didn't get an ounce of it, they praised it highly. Jake's parents were there that night too and they met briefly. I introduced Dale as my dad. I didn't even think about it and didn't notice I'd done that. Hanging out with Mom at the hospital, she told me that after I'd left them to settle into their chairs before the show that night, Dale had elbowed her asking, "Did you hear that?" It had meant everything to him, she said.. 

It's funny how strong men get so soft as they get older. From hearing stories from his sons, Dale was a lot like my dad - angry sometimes, fiesty, hard to get along with. My grandfather was the same way with my dad and his brothers. But as a grandfather, I never saw that side. He was a big teddy bear with his grandchildren. Dale had found that softer side by the time he met my mother.. I was grateful for that because she didn't need another temper like my father's. He'd learned how to treat a partner and tho he didn't let her walk all over him, he called her on her bad behaviors firmly and lovingly. I think they annoyed each other in all the good ways a partner should.

I called Mom today before my rehearsal started at noon. Things had been up and down all week. She sounded more and more tired. There was still hope, but we just didn't know. Some things had been improving, but other things had worsened. She said today wasn't looking good. He had a fever of 101 and the infection hadn't gone away. She was in the ICU and couldn't have her phone on so she'd call me later. I told her to call me immediately if anything changed. During a our break around 3pm, I called again - she said it was no good. She was crying already. I stepped out of the theater and she said the infection was in his kidneys and liver for sure. Everything was shutting down. He wasn't conscious. She was going to have to let him go..... She sobbed into the phone for a few seconds.. then told me not to come down, I'd spent enough money.. and I started to cry at that point because I could care less about the money, but I also don't have enough to go again. My grandmother is getting on a flight tomorrow morning to be with her so I was relieved for that. She said Dale knew I'd been there and was glad to have seen me. She also said she was glad I was there for her. I just sat there listening, starting to cry myself, not knowing how to console my own mother. 

She signed off saying she was going to go sit in the room with him. I don't know how long they have together, but I know she'll be there til he passes. 

I left rehearsal, found Jake across the street at his theatre where he instinctively just held me while I cried in his arms. I made calls to my brother, my other relatives.. sent texts to my friends who've been checking in. Eight came by to sit with me and let me cry on his shoulder for a while and just listened to me talk about it. I'm going to go see Fatima now and take a therapeutic trip to Target with her, probably staring at the cleaning supplies for 30 minutes like we used to do and laugh. Then I'll play with her children, which is always good for the heart. Jake will be coming over late tonight to sleep next to me, not with any promises of anything for the future of us, but just because I need him. 

It's weird to talk about someone like he's gone when he's not yet. It's weird to be here when my mother is somewhere she doesn't even live grieving the loss of the love of her life in a hospital ICU. It's weird to feel so many things and then nothing all at the same time to the point you don't know what to do or how to feel and you're just numb sometimes.. and then crying the next.. and then numb again and walking around in circles.

I didn't know him for long, but he made a significant mark in my mother's life.  He changed her - for the better. That change in her changed her relationship with me, which I never thought would happen. He was my second father. He was a good man. I loved him. I'm ever so grateful to him.. and he'll be missed so much.. 

Limboland Delirium

Hospital nods: The head bob acknowledgment between the same people you see day after day in the ICU waiting room and walking thru the hallways and giving/getting their cars to/from the valet. Occasionally they ask if we're coming or going, Mom will say how cute their children are, we commiserate on the quality of the hospital food. 

We walked by a couple putting on those yellow disposable gowns before they went into their relative's room - and Mom instinctively started helping the husband because he was having a hard time and we all laughed together. Then she helped the wife and they smiled and joked with her graciously as we walked on.. 

Hospital jokes: We wait and wait and wait for the RN to come by and give us updates when we are newly arrived into Dale's room every day. ICU nurses are all business, which they should be.. but a filler RN came to attend him last night as they seemed short-staffed or just busier than usual. His name was Andrew and when he was ready, he started checking everything and letting us ask questions. Mom asked him personal questions like how long he'd worked there, if he liked it, that sort of thing. She said we've been really happy with the quality and help from everyone there except the only complaint was we wished the waiting room was bigger. To that I added that wasn't the only complaint - we wished the food was a little better. Mom chided me saying the fries at lunch were good, I agreed and Andrew piped back with a joking smile saying, "No trans fat!" I'm not sure why it was so funny, but it made us feel a bit more at ease. 

We're doing a bit of laundry today and since Dale is so heavily sedated while still under dialysis, we'll be heading out to check out Newport Beach and distract ourselves a bit. I leave tomorrow and I'm torn for a variety of reasons. Part of me doesn't want to go back to deal with my own sadness and of course I don't want to leave Mom either. I'm not sure what I'm doing to help her while I'm here.. I sometimes feel more helpless since she's so good at taking care of everyone else and really not good at letting anyone take care of her. 

Jake texted that he's back in range from his trip and it triggered.. you know.. stuff. 

My heart hurts for too many things. I find myself wishing things could be different, cursing this lack of luck for all of us, and really really trying to think positive. I'm trying to be realistic tho and prepare for those possible losses because I don't want to pretend it's not going to happen. Boy and I could permanently be over.. Dale could lose this battle.. We're all just waiting in limbo for our answers.

Auto-Pilot

I've escaped from the rainy, cold and uncomforting Seattle to the muggy and foggy city of Newport Beach, California. Not much more comfortable here, but it is a change of scenery. 

I arrived in Burbank, sunny and 80 degrees, was provided a rental car and headed south after letting Jake know I'd landed. I drove under a sign on the freeway saying 'Los Angeles' and called one of my college girlfriends who lives there to catch up. We commiserated over the rush hour I was driving thru and the buzzing motorcycles who are allowed to drive in-between cars here scaring the bejesus out of you. 

As I neared the hospital, I recognized signs for Huntington Beach, a well-known surfing area and I saw a couple of surfers riding the curving waves. I'd never actually seen something like that in person before. It made me smile despite the situation and in my head I thought of the many Beach Boy's songs I listened to growing up. 

When I saw my mother, I took in where she was mentally. She goes into caretaker mode when things like this happen. Her first husband, her mother-in-law.. now her second husband nine years later.. and I just want to make it all better when I'm completely powerless to do so. She's barely eaten, isn't sleeping well and I've come down to be with her. 

Dale came down to be with his family for his niece's funeral. She had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer three weeks ago. She'd started treatments, but some sort of blood clot caused her death in the midst of all that.  Dale had been doing his own chemo and radiation treatments for the cancer that's in his bile ducts. They'd put a 'stint' inside him to help process something from his liver and intestines.. and tho the chemo and radiation have helped shrink the cancer there, it also seemed to cause some abrasions from this stint within his stomach unexpectedly and he'd started to feel kind of lousy before he left. When he arrived in California, he was coughing up blood. He was admitted to Emergency that day. The next morning, Wednesday, he started to bleed out, coded, was resuscitated, and was sent to surgery where they filled him with at least 15 units of blood. In a couple more hours he would fall into a coma with all his vital organs shutting down. Mom called me in tears and said he probably wouldn't make it. He'd signed a DNR and wanted no heroics if he wasn't going to come back in any sense of normal. But, three hours later, miraculously, and even to the shock of the nurse on staff, he woke up. Vital organs were coming back but they were still concerned about his liver and kidneys.

I arrived Thursday afternoon - a little loopy from trying to manage that LA rush hour and a set of mapquest directions to Hoag Hospital. Mom led me right to ICU to see Dale and tho he was sedated, he was just getting to sleep. He knew I'd arrived. He knew Mom was next to him and that was some relief to all of us. She told him she loved him and you could tell he wanted to reciprocate, but couldn't. 

Over the last two days of going from hospital to hotel to crappy restaurant to hotel to hospital and all over again the next day, nothing has really changed. They started dialysis last night in hopes that the kidneys would kick-start themselves. They should be able to determine if they're going to respond or not in the next couple of days and are keeping the dialysis constant. His liver is looking better, but who knows what that means.

I've been hiding in the wifi lounge at times to do my own coping because the ICU is so dreadful and Mom called me to meet her down in the cafeteria this afternoon. She looked like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and I could tell grief was taking over. She got on the phone with Jet Blue to see if they would help her cancel both their flights out and we were both relieved to hear they would. Watching her tho.. her hands shaking when she tried to write down information, her eyes welled up while she told the person on the other end that her husband might not get thru this and I didn't think she was going to finish the call without breaking down. I reached for her hand.. but she couldn't look at me. She said she just hoped he makes it thru this, but we both know there are so many more hurdles if he does. The kidneys could start working, but he still has the cancer to fight. It's just looking so unlikely with all these odds stacked against him and my mom is looking more sad, more tired and more broken than I've ever seen her. 

It's good to have something else to focus on besides my own broken heart which feels so insignificant compared to what Mom is going thru right now. At the same time, Jake is the only person I wish was here more than anything. He's been supportive and sweet knowing this whole situation, but was off to Joshua Tree yesterday for his hiking excursion where he has his own thing to get thru and a lot to think about. I hurt without him, I miss him constantly and in the moments I'm reflecting on that, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat as I try to keep myself from crying for my own reasons. My friends have been there when I needed the sound of their voice and a sounding board to vent, my tough-as-nails grandmother has been great because she understands my mother and I both, and the rest of our family has reached out to offer any help they can and are standing by for updates whenever we can provide them. 

I know the heart has an unlimited amount of capacity for love, but I'm reminded how much strength I'm able to channel as well in the presence of extreme pain and loss. The weight of a grieving mother and a second father fighting for his life certainly puts the feelings of loss for my relationship into focus.. and it shows me what's important to life. Jake is probably not ready to be the partner I need no matter how much we love each other. I don't know that for sure, but I'm prepping myself for that outcome. What I see in Mom and Dale is that they're in it. They'd risk life and limb to fight for it.. that's exactly what they're doing now. Nothing can keep Mom from Dale's side and right now, it's the most precious thing. 

Ok.. I should join them in the ICU and see if I can channel an ounce of her courage.  

The Worst Part..

This is the part I hate. The part where you know sleep will be the only thing that will bring you any relief.. but waking up is the hardest. You have that brief moment where you come to.. and then reality hits you square in the chest and knocks the wind out of you because you remember what's happened. You remember you went to bed with swollen eyes and a giant hole in that same chest where you've barely been able to breathe since you accidentally started having the conversation, which you didn't mean to have.. yet it had to happen.. you just wish it didn't have to happen right then. You weren't ready.. and you sort of were.. but you were hoping for something you kind of knew wasn't coming either. His willingness or just sheer ability to fight for you.. for both of you. For the love that you wanted to so badly to be enough - because there is no lack of that. And goddamn, that is what doesn't make any sense to you because that's there. It is. You know it. He knows it. You're each the most significant love of the other's life.. and yet.. there is no room for you in all the things he has to do, needs to do.. wants to do. It's what makes him thrive.. what makes him happy.. it's what sustains him. And, ironically, why you fell in love with him.. that love for his art, his ambition, his magic. God.. he's so much magic..

He has to figure it out on his own.. so I have to give him that space because I know what I want. To be with him, love him, to be loved by him.. it's really that simple. To share lives. And I know he loves me.. but.. well.. he's just not there. He doesn't know how to make that decision right now.. it's not that simple for him for some reason.

Is this where the age difference finally comes into play? Is this where we have to give up? Where we say we're in different places and it's just one of those situations that no matter how much in love you are, it's not going to work? How does that make sense?! Cuz it doesn't.. it really doesn't.

He's my favorite thing.. he's my heart.. my love.. the light and sparkly in my happy.. my favorite Scrabble partner.. a damn big portion of my life.. and I just can't imagine him not being apart of it. Do we have to let go to come back together? I don't know.. I'm not doing it. I don't think he is either. But we have to.

Yeah.. I really fucking hate this part..

Moving Beyond The Mess

I think I'm a nomad. Ok.. well, a cute doe-eyed nomad maybe? Alright.. not a nomad in the true sense - I don't go from town to town wandering aimlessly. I'm more like a singing minstrel with a purpose.. or something. I just move a lot within the same city. Like a viscous merry-go-round.. which district will it be this time? How long will it take me to get to work during the week? Is there a bridge of any kind I'll need to cross and do I have to take I-5 to get there? I've been here 13 years and every time I get settled for a while, something changes - opportunities reveal themselves, shifts happen.. some good, some not. It's just change. You'd think I liked change with how often I relocate, pack up my things, unpack my things and resettle.. but I think I'm just grasping for a different feeling, a new understanding I hope washes over me when I fall asleep in my bed the first night after moving to a new place. It's not something I always find, but for some reason I keep thinking it will happen.

For me, I always notice about two other things are happening when I'm prepping to move. Whatever significant relationship I have with a man is usually strained by either the moving or just because of the relationship itself and wherever I'm working is bound to be ending soon or there's massive amounts of ugly going on. So yeah - relationship drama? Check. Work complications? You bet. Not sure how it happens, but it's always the holy trinity combo.

It's not all tragic - Boyfriend and I are still together, madly in love, but we're struggling with how little time he actually has for us as a couple. We thought about breaking up.. but that wasn't something either of us wanted to do. I'm sure it doesn't help to make those decisions when your girlfriend is crying all over you.. but let's keep in mind the hormones were raging and tears were easily drawn for just about any reason. Not that a looming break up isn't a reason to be upset, however hormones always incorrectly heighten any situation adding to its dramatic effect of The End Of The World As You Know It or something close to that.. if you know what I mean.. and I'm sure you do.

I was then written up at work for not getting my time sheets in promptly. Don't even ask.. I can't explain it because I just get irritated and indignant about how it's not a performance-affecting mistake in my clearly ignored humbled opinion. And sure, there's more to the story, but honestly? Not a lot. That's really why I was written up. It really was something that was an accident and not malicious or done out of disrespect for The Man, no vengeance behind it at all. Didn't matter - it still sticks. Branded forever. Ugh.

I choose to move on. I'm trying this new philosophy.. this new thing for me. Letting go. I'm not good at that At. All. Ask my former roommates. Hell, ask former friends (one whom I just had a dream about recently and that we ran into each other somewhere.. She even came over to ask why I hadn't said hello to her and then suddenly, we were just ok again. That wistful feeling of love and happiness for a very missed friend washed over me and when I woke up, I was so disappointed that it hadn't been real..) - they know how I am. I can try til I'm blue in the face, but I suck at picking my battles. With this move, I wanted to leave the past in the past, start over fresh, on my own, let the stupid shit go that for some reason has found its way under my skin and expel it. Yeah.. I know. It sounds near impossible to me too.. but you know, it's early. I just moved. I'm going to try to roll with the punches a bit more, breathe before I speak, ask myself what I hope to get from any given conversation or point I feel I have to make right at that moment.. and um.. I guess we'll see if I start making some headway. I mean, spring is almost here. I need to shine a light onto some things that have been too dark for my own good.

And speaking of my new place.. I have to tell you how much I love it. It's all mine! Ok, Emma seems to think she has a stake in it as well, which is fine.. but otherwise, it's funky and not cookie-cutter at all, has its own personality with its odd little cupboards and basement feel.. but it's cute and sweet and just enough room for me and the Boyfriend even tho he's too tall for a couple of spots - but he has yet to hit his head. We have plans to paint and I just have to decide what colors and where. My very own interweb connection was installed this week and cable will have to come later. There are still a few boxes of books I have yet to deal with, but I have lots of storage so anything I don't want in the direct living space doesn't have to live there. Ha!

So my apartment is a happy, but messy space right now - which is sort of how I feel inside I suppose. The sun's been shining the last couple of afternoons and it's Friday, which means a freakin early meeting at work, but in return, I get done early. I can feel that pull of spring so close. Plans are being made to meet with friends more often to combat the long waits between the time Boyfriend and I get to spend together and keep myself from feeling wrapped up in his world too much, I'm at the gym more often, my Netflix subscription is getting its exercise as well (Hellooo 2nd season of The Tudors, whoo hoo!), and my own rehearsals start for Annex's Love's Tangled Web, which I'm stage managing. I should have plenty to keep me busy, including said painting that's necessary to brighten this new outlook.

I hope every time I move it's not me trying to run away from problems I can't resolve. I know I have lots of work to do on myself. About every three months I realize another new element of something else I was already working on needs to be addressed or that maybe I should work on whatever I'm already dealing with in a different direction because whatever I'm currently doing isn't working. I'm kind of a mess sometimes and other times, I think there might be some actual magic within me. I just wish I could channel the magic more often and use it in conjunction with what's messy so at least my bad days and regrettable moments seem.. oh.. shinier and less offensive.. or maybe invisible or um.. like they never happened. Something like that. Yeah.

Ok.. back to my new and improved drawing board!

For Him..

I've been trying for the last few days to write something that equalled an appropriate romantic feeling to reflect today and the love I have for the Boyfriend. I know Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday - but I don't buy into the marketing. I simply love love. Yup, I'm one of those girls. I just don't see anything wrong with having an international day of celebrating it.

And this man.. ahh.. overwhelms me still when I spend any significant amount of time thinking how he moves my whole world.  It took a while, but we've found we do have our issues. I know.. big shock. It can't stay movie love forever.. but that feeling sure lingers in the memories.

Now we're something a lot more real. The love between us is more a fact than a feeling and oddly, that's so comforting. I mean, it's still a feeling of course. Anyone who's seen that boy look at me sees what I see.. it's sparkly, that magic. And tho sometimes I still can't believe I'm the recipient of that specific look, I strive to become that person who never takes it for granted and always shows him how much I love him in return. He called us a good work in progress.

He makes me smarter, makes me laugh. He makes me feel beautiful in moments I'm so not. But then suddenly I just am because he said so. He tells me things will be ok when they're so not just because he knows I need to hear it. He listens when I talk, tho he hates talking, but he's coming around.. and he hears me, sees my perspective and then tries to meet me halfway. He's the person everyone listens to when he walks in a room. He's driven, challenged, and one of the hardest-working people I know. He never gets mad.. ever. He's admirable. He's dorky, sweet and amazingly talented. He thinks I'm cute and that my feet are too. He loves my family, friends.. and me. He loves my heart, he says. He's a gift. He's the love of my life. 

Somebody Loved
by The Weepies

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into, you turn me into
You turn me into somebody loved
Somebody loved, Ooo, somebody loved

Going With The Flow..

I'm sure you all go in phases just like I do.. and my writing is no different. Sometimes I want to write about everything.. and sometimes, like when I started letting go of the journaling that took the actual handwritten word, I just couldn't relive things and didn't want to go back over them. Mostly, handwriting became a pain. It's not like the angst of growing up anymore - living that is. I'm not scribbling thru my tears that a boy said something viscious behind my back or that my parents had grounded me for the zillionth time. It's a lot more of reflecting, seeing where I went wrong, asking how I can grow from that and what happens from here.

And finding the time.

How does life get exceedingly busier as one gets older? Do we make excuses or is it really that busy? I know certain friends have started families.. and I see how that keeps them busy. Children need so much looking after that parents just run out of energy by the end of the day and you can lose touch with your grown-up and non-procreating friends because your life is filled with Dora the Explorer, a precocious two-year-old and another not even a year old.

I can't exactly relate other than I'm the auntie to those examples and quite a few other special small people. I love that part. Knowing them since they've been born, seeing them grow, become incredibly smart and ambitious. I see that joy in parenthood and one day and maybe I'll explore that with a partner. Not right now though.

Right now, I still feel like I'm in my twenties. Maybe because a lot of my friends are barely 30 or younger or they're not married, even if they have significant others, and we all rent, for the most part. There's certainly a lot less bar-hopping and a lot less pressure to be a certain way, which I'm so relieved by. I don't have to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I can be at a different type of bar where my friends and I can play board games all night. Not one where the girls are outside puking and the guys are throwing punches - tho that type of place, like in Belltown, has never been something I've ever been interested in.

I love the core group I have. We don't see each other all the time, but I've seen a vast improvement since the holidays have passed, which is nice. We're all different types too, but I love that the there's such a likeable energy between everyone. Even the Boyfriend has a man-crush on Boz.. and they don't get to see each other often, but his girlfriend and I appreciate the witnessing of a possible new friendship. Boyfriend needs some new people in his life and I'm happy that I have such good friends around me that those things are possible.

Now that I'm no longer apart of Boyfriend's theater company, I'm hoping to see some positive changes in us as well. What we've found tho is that regardless of the drama inside the theater, we have some communication challenges. I think we'll work thru them. It's just a matter of undertanding the other person a little more and seeing how words said one way can set someone off or hurt them and said another way are a lot more productive. It's also making sure that both of us don't take each other for granted - especially with how theater can suck all the time and life out of you. It's demanding and the hours can be grueling when getting ready to put up a new show. He's got more pressure than that because he's the owner/executive director of his own theater where I can come and go from any theater that has room for me, do my job, and leave once the show is over. He can't do that because there's always the next show to plan, meetings to have, board members to secure, money to raise. Somewhere in all that, there is trying to spend time with girlfriend and trying not to fall asleep while spending said time with said girlfriend. It's a difficult position for him to be in and we rise and fall sometimes because of the stress all that creates. We're both hopeful tho. The future isn't discussed in concrete terms, but the connection between us is strong. Love is enough right now.

The newest development is a relocation - yes to be closer to the Boyfriend and a little more of city life on Capitol Hill. Also a teeny bit closer to work. I'll be paying a little more in rent, but it's a cute little mother-in-law one bedroom that I get to my whole little self. All my utilities are included, the pet deposit was waived, which Miss Emma was thrilled about, there's a nice washer and dryer in the small garage where I also have my own space for storage, and a small backyard, which Miss Em can wander in and feel all Misstress of Her Domain. We're both pretty ecstatic about our new digs and tho moving is our least favorite thing to do.. oh.. ever, we're in high spirits and collecting boxes like mad. There will be painting as the inside needs a little bit of a facelift that way. I hate that dim yellowish off-white they paint for a generic glow in most places. I need a little more warmth and the landlord is very kind and willing to see what I do with the place.

It will have been almost a decade since I lived on my own. The last time was when I was 28. I was in a 400 square foot apartment where all the bathroom fixtures were mauve and there wasn't even enough room for a couch or an extra chair. My bed was used for any seating needed and since it was so small, I never had anyone over really except those I dated and then the bed served its purpose.. And I was pretty happy with my little digs tho the building was incredibly old. Even had original tenants I was told from the 60's (I think I met her once. She was asleep on the stairs, with grocery bags still in her hands. I thought she was dead and maybe screamed, which woke her up and she chastized me for being so loud because she was only napping.). The second floor smelled like someone was constantly chain smoking in it, which I couldn't stand, but I lived on the third.

I left to find comfort in the company of a roommate when everyone died - my maternal grandfather that February, my father that May, and my paternal grandmother in June. My boyfriend, Ali, and I broke up in July due to all that weight so my heart was in a good state of shreddedness by then and I just couldn't bear coming home to being all alone any longer.

I hope I'm a much different person than I was then. Stronger anyway. I used to crave being around people all the time. Now, I enjoy the time I have alone when I have it.. and sometimes, I really only want the Boyfriend if I'm needing company. I love my friends tho, love seeing all of us grow apart and together, evolving and morphing into grown ups - tho not one of my friends, even those who are parents, look their age.

So tonight is celebrating the cementing of the new digs with friends around, board games, drinks flowing, laughter, living thru Seattle's grey and chilly winter.. and waiting for the brightness of Spring to get its ass here. Boyfriend turns 27 next week - and we celebrate that too this weekend. I'm looking forward to spoiling him and showing him I'm in this whole-heartedly with him. My stepdad is also doing really well, surprisingly, with all the radiation and chemo treatments that he's had the last three weeks.. and in a couple more weekends, I head to Portland to see two of my closest college girlfriends I haven't seen or talked to in about 14 years. Horrible pictures I'm sure will ensue.

Life. Is. Good.

To A Shiny And Happy New Year

Hi 2009! I know, I know.. you've been here a while. Geez.. sorry.. Been a teensy bit busy here. And I'm guessing you expect me to write something and honestly I WANT to.. I DO! Yes! But things are going in a million different directions and I'm finding it just a wee bit hard to focus - unless that focus means being horizontal and shutting my eyes, which is better known as sleep - and get time for penning The Wildly Uninteresting Life & Times of Dear Old Me.. know what I'm saying?

I mean, the holidays are over. Talking about them seems uh.. a little late tho yes, they were lovely, Christmas was essentially cancelled, as I thought it might be, because of the annoying snow that wouldn't stop or melt or stop making it difficult to get around for those of us who have lives and whose lives don't consist of getting around in the midst of said snow. Ugh. It was cold, I'll give you that.

Hanukkah was also nice with Boyfriend's family. There were presents, lots of wine and Scrabble on the new fancy Onyx version Boyfriend gave his parents, and plenty of latkes to go around - tho there was one single attempt to put ketchup on them, by yours truly, which I do not recommend because it takes the whole holiday feeling out of everything in a millisecond and suddenly you're just eating breakfast. Not the same. No. No it is not. The toppings should only be applesauce and sour cream. You may have a taste test of up to three types of applesauce as we had going at our table - this was ever so exciting, I must say - but again, leave the ketchup in the fridge. You have been warned.

The turn of the year brought a lovely evening of debauchery Boyfriend and I hadn't had in some time. It was the last party he'd have in his rented condo with the stunning 180 degree view of downtown Seattle complete with the Space Needle right in the middle and perfect for New Year's Eve fireworks watching without having to go outside. There was champagne, chocolate fondue, dancing, yelling out the window to anyone and everyone as New Year's Eve celebrations are wont to do and some drinking of abscinthe we could've done without.. because.. ew.. but that was the only downside. And, in my heart, I also quietly celebrated six months of being with this fantastic man who still leaves me speechless (unless he's making me giggle) when he looks at me and tells me very matter-of-factly that he loves me. Mmm.. it was a good night.

Once the new year began, we were all back to reality, back into rehearsals and prepping for the opening of Marat/Sade. We had some long hours, Jake certainly more than anyone else as per his usual sense of dedication, and after an exhausting week of tech, dress rehearsals, and plenty of notes, we had a successful opening weekend with two nights sold out, one of which had standing room only. My whole family even ventured out! Tho that part of the evening wasn't as successful. Note to self: Don't take parents out to hip, upscale new faux Mexican tapas joint on a Saturday Night in Capitol Hill. Uh yeah.. they were sooo not into it. Live and learn.

And speaking of living/learning, Boyfriend and I came to a big realization recently. With the stress of the most recent show, there was a hard, but necessary decision to be made. My involvement in his theatre leaves him no escape when he's actually away from it and where some couples might be able to find a balance because of their common ground, we can't seem to. We can't separate our titles from our relationship and it's taken its toll by maintaining some distance that's hard to span when there are the normal every day problems that arise in getting a show up and even a few people who just aren't very kind and can't manage, even in the smallest way, to be genuine to me. Without Boyfriend, I feel lonely there and as if the work I do and the rapport I've tried to cultivate is ignored or dismissed. When you put in that much time somewhere and you are denied but a few friendly faces, it takes a lot out of you to continue to dig in your heels and keep smiling. I would've kept at it had that been the only issue. I'm stubborn, if nothing else, but once it filtered inbetween Boyfriend and I, there was really nothing else to be done, so I announced to the company I'd be leaving at the end of this show.

The few responses I received were expected, but I was grateful for their sincerity. And it's not the saddest thing because I've already been welcomed onto another project starting in March by a neighboring theatre company and will sit in on their next company meeting this weekend to see if they have a place for me in their ranks. I've been advised not to jump into any one company just yet and to take my time, find more work - maybe some that pays - get my resume out there - now that I've really started to build one for production and stage management and the doors will start falling open and I will apparently have to try hard to keep my door from being knocked down. I don't know if that's exactly true.. but I think I might be on a roll.

I'm hoping that with this bright and sparkly new year comes the same kind of potential - some that's shiny and full of brilliance. I need to figure out where I want to go with this theatre world I've created as well as find the balance between being so busy, making time for my relationship as well as all my non-theatre friends who've been patient and waiting for time to catch up. I'm also in better communication with my family, which is good and also sad sometimes. My stepfather just started chemo and radiation this week and tho Mom is in good spirits, I'm dreading the possible changes in her and my stepdad when those treatments start taking their toll on his body. I'm hoping though.. just hoping.

Not to mention - someone is going to be inaugurated in like five days. How frickin awesome is that?!

Ok sparkle and brilliance.. come get me. I'm waiting.

Go Away Snow Days.. So Over You

Ok.. um.. I'm done with it. The snow. Dude. I'm not kidding. Mom just called and cancelled Christmas. CANCELLED. CHRISTMAS. Hi. I'm a little pissed now. I mean, we're in Seattle. WTF is going on with this foot of snow?! And tomorrow they're predicting another 1-3 inches?! Crap.

I mean.. this stuff is fun:

Ana and I went on a snow day excursion thru Fremont yesterday and it was the perfect temperature.. well, with leggings on underneath my jeans, two pars of hiking socks, hiking boots, a tank, a long-sleeve shirt and wool turtleneck on along with my coat, scarf and gloves. Yeah.. perfect!

We shopped, had very fancy hot chocolate and found very fancy snowmen!

Yes! And that was all great and lovely.. and we had heaps of fun. Yay fun!

But you know.. that was Sunday. Today? Today is Monday. Today I had to go to work. And I made it there! Yay! But you want to know how many times I got stuck in the snow just attempting this get-to-work feat?! A frickin lot. Ok.. just two. But there were two more times when I tried to make it to Boyfriend's after work. That's 4 (FOUR!). AND.. for your information, I now know I need between two and three really strong guys to push me out when this happens. Now.. in this weather, there are plenty of two or three really strong guys.. but not many who don't get exasperated quickly when they find that my ass is stuck again RIGHT AFTER they JUST helped me get unstuck. Yes. Annoying. You don't even know.. I was this close to throwing a complete tantrum in my car because I was so utterly frustrated and near tears after successfully getting just blocks from Boyfriend's house and finding my car really doesn't like snowy intersections. No. Not at all. And strangers? Really not that nice. HI! IT'S CHRISTMAS PEOPLE! Would you mind HELPING a tiny little girl with big brown eyes get out of the way instead of HONKING at her? Yeah.. that'd be GREAT! Thanks SO much! You're AWESOME! And by awesome, I mean the meanest person ever.. so there.

Yeah. So Boyfriend came to my rescue. Literally. I was on the phone to the police pretty close to freaking out and she's trying to calm me down and telling me she knows exactly what I'm going thru and then the strangers push me out twice and I just pull over in the snow and give the fuck up. Yup. That's what I did. Turned off the car, said goodbye to the nice police lady and waited in my Stupid Snow Frustration. Jake arrived a few minutes later and I'm convinced nothing will change when he drives and he will only spin out like I was doing, but he smartly backs up and gets onto the road that is better (why the hell did I not think of that?!) and all of a sudden, we're at his place and that's that. Like magic.

I hate it when he's right. My hero! Yay!

But now we are at his place and we're making baked doughnuts for Hanukkah and corn muffins with honey and blueberries.. um.. for no reason.. just because. And mulled wine! And we're going to play Monopoly with his roommate and who knows what else!

I hope you are having fun wherever you are. Don't feel too sorry for me but you could pray for this silly snow to melt and the next Winter Storm Of 2008 that's due tomorrow night to kindly pass us by quietly and non-dangerously and stuff.. I would appreciate it. Because then maybe I could get to see my family and show off the Boyfriend and Christmas wouldn't be cancelled.. I mean.. c'mon.. you have to admit canceling Christmas is the lamest. Poor poor me! Send Bailey's to cheer me up! Or Kahlua! Or money! I'll save you a muffin.. yeah?

Snow Day!

A week before Christmas and I think it dumped about five inches of snow on us today. The temperature never got above 30 and for most of the day it's been between 25 and 29 degrees anyway. We're just not used to this. It's crazy!

My very first winter here - I think about 13 years ago now - it really snowed. Up to the car door handle. People were housebound for like nine days. We all got a teensy bit of cabin fever tho I'm sure the people who normally love snow had a great time. Some North Westerners like myself aren't all that fond of being cold. I know. It's like me not liking fish. I know.. I'm weird. Whatever.

The Boyfriend and I have been having a good day. I got up to go to work out of habit.. and when I got out of the shower, Boyfriend mumbled that I should look out the window, which even tho I'd heard it would snow in the middle of the night, hadn't checked. There was at least a couple inches that had fallen and it was snowing lightly but steadily. After trying to figure out if I should go into work and doing a little over the phone, it was determined with only two people out of our company actually made it in and that the office was going to close later in the afternoon. No sense of risking an accident especially since I just found out my two front tires are barely legal to be driving. Sort of forgot to rotate the tires in the last two years.. oops! So.. um.. NO WORK! YAY!

The first order of business today: Breakfast! Jake doesn't live far from the main thoroughfare of Capitol Hill so we walked the four blocks and gawked at all the people sledding and the businesses that didn't seem to be open and damn it was cold as the snow was really coming down.

After breakfast, we both got hair cuts and then did some window and grocery shopping since it seemed we weren't going anywhere far after we got home. Then we watched a bunch of Secret Millionaire episodes (have you SEEN this show??! AMAZING! You need a tissue EVERY TIME!), 'napped', then really napped.. ahem, he made chocolate bread - yum! - and these spicy sauteed brussel sprouts for lunch.. we've been random about our eating and doing things. I can't explain it. Hibernating I suppose and trying to keep the ADD boy from going batshit. He always has to be doing something.

Tonight is very exciting. We are continuing the baking trend now that his roommate, Nick, is home - after a slightly treacherous drive back from the eastside where he slowly slid into a telephone pole and then decided to park the car and walk the rest of the way home. Boyfriend is making dinner first, Iron Man is on the movie list for the boys since neither has seen it, and I'm going to make cranberry orange muffins (fat free!) while they do that. Nick is at this very moment putting on holiday music - ahh old Dean Martin.. I could just swoon right here.

I'm going to go help Boyfriend with dinner so I hope you are all settled in for the night and staying out of the snow and ice. Cuddle in with your loved ones, play some Scrabble, and drink some hot chocolate.. Mwah!

Some New Holiday Traditions

Wouldn't you know it? December is here! Holy crap did the year go by fast.. like.. seriously. And the people are already going holiday bonkers because let's be honest - it sort of drives yours truly a bit nutty when I see Christmas trees PRIOR to Thanksgiving. I'm just saying people.. overachieve much? Settle down already. Wait a day. Can't you? Apparently, they can't.

I'm not a Scrooge. I love the holidays. I just wish the songs playing everywhere weren't the the worst ones of the bunch. You know.. the really annoying ones by the people who can't sing or shouldn't sing.. or like five of them singing badly together. Because it's Christmas they think they should. Someone should really clear that up for them.

I also wish I hadn't seen like 134 diamond commercials letting me know that my boyfriend must not truly love me if he doesn't get me one or I don't love my mom if I don't get her one.. Obviously, a diamond, or eight, says everything words couldn't possibly say.. even tho.. um.. there are words I say.. and have said.. and could say.. but to the diamond people, I've missed the point. I think the diamond people should try saying 'I love you' without a box in hand that has something shiny in it. I bet it's hard for them. Poor saps. No, literally.. poor saps.

Maybe I'm just jealous because financially, life is a bit on the budgety side. And don't get me wrong, shiny and blingy things are lovely when you don't feel it's force-fed to you that you have to have one or get one for someone, etc. Personally, it just doesn't take a lot to make me happy. I love candles and scarves, books, magazine subscriptions cuz I never do that myself.. I don't need trips or electronics or gadgety things.. I like thoughtful things. I love stuff like high tea shared with one of my best girlfriends, which we still have to do together for our birthdays, Kari! A movie out with Boyfriend rather than another Daily Show (or as we've been doing lately, dinner with like four different ideas that don't really go together but are still very tasty all on one plate and catching up on season 5 of The West Wing.). Easy things like that.. except that finding the time is never that easy. Maybe that's what I want this year: Time. More of it. Santa? You hear me?

Actually, before that - I want to get rid of this cold. Can Santa bring me wellness and health early? I mean, please.. I've been more sick this year than ever before. What is the deal? I had the flu not once, but twice this year.. and the second time was the most miserable 10 days ever. I think since then I've had about 17 colds.. including one set of nasty sniffles over my birthday weekend. Hi. All sorts of lame that was. I think I'm just about out of sick days at work and that NEVER happens. I never use sick days in the first place but now I'm almost out?! And this one - man.. this 'almost-bronchitis' can go any day. The coughing is consistent enough to rattle my brain and sound like I'm close to dying, but not enough to keep me hacking away so much that I can't breathe - so hey, there's that bright spot. Yay! I won't crack any ribs it seems but I'm guessing the copious amounts of Airborne and Vitamin C I'm downing are attempting to strengthen this weeny immune system enough so I can at least continue to get paid at the cubefarm and still answer questions like, 'Wow.. you ok over there? Gonna live?' after a lovely sounding coughing spell.

So yes.. first health and then time. Got it? Um.. gift-wrapped please.

Really, I'm not all complaining. Thanksgiving was actually really lovely. Jake rolled his eyes a bit as I guess I might too when you're so used to spending time with your family - I mean, if it was my family, I understand that eye roll.. but they're not my family, they're his.. and I rather like them.

We had Thursday Thanksgiving with his aunt and uncle and 40 other people I'd say at their co-housing place. I'd never heard of co-housing, but it was très interesting. It's like a housing complex but with people who like and know each other and plus a huge sort of communal house for big dinners, weddings, festivities, whatever. Why don't more people do things like that?

The food was spectacular, there was heaps of wine, lots of chat with the family and everyone who's heard of Boyfriend's theatre and saw Arabian Nights.. I had a good time, tho Boyfriend seemed a wee bit distant.

The next day he got up early to go shopping for supplies so he could make biscuits from scratch to bring with us to dinner. I had leftover spinach dip from the office potluck that went over well too. The rest of his family and some of his parent's neighbors there, we dug in for our feast, played one round of Scrabble I confidently kicked serious ass on, devoured homemade cobbler and pie for dessert than I sneakily came from way behind to win the most exciting round of Apple To Apples ever! THEN.. and you won't even believe this.. THEN his DAD suggested we watch Love, Actually! Who's dad does that?! It was pretty great.

The review in the car was standard about the evening Boyfriend and I had just had with his family. And I don't even remember how it happened.. or who said what.. but it became very clear he was annoyed with me. Not angry, just.. irritated. And he didn't want to make a big deal about it, but I pushed because I'd felt it the night before too and as it came up, it's been happening more often that I'd noticed. He'd say I'm too loud or give me a look if he thought I misspoke or interrupted someone at the theatre. He couldn't be specific in his instances and I just said I was sorry if I made him uncomfortable, but I couldn't be sorry for being myself.

It came to light that even tho he seems comfortable and extroverted in every situation, maybe he's not or maybe he's a teensy bit quieter and calm about the whole thing whereas I'm a self-proclaimed hyper chihuahua about most things and have been accused of being from New York in other instances where I'm as honest and direct as I wish other passive-aggressive Seattlites would be more often. So there.

But I was honest about that direct person I've become. I know it can be brassy to some, but I was painfully shy when I was younger and it's taken me a lot of work to get past that. I was made to feel small all the time. I don't like feeling small in my grown up relationships - and he didn't realize he was doing that, but I was just relieved he didn't think it was something that would keep eating at him or cause him to end things. It seems it's the baggage from his past relationship where he often apologized for things she said or did and he wasn't treated well. And it was such a relief to get to that point of realization. I felt good that I'd stood up for myself, but wasn't defensive, asked questions that helped us find answers which enlightened us both, and after a few hugs and kisses to make up and maybe wiping a few errant tears away from my face, we understood the other a little better. Maybe we loved each other more.. I don't know. I love him quite a bit already.. I mean, his biscuits were pretty good.

And the next night we had a date. Dinner was about four different ideas all on one plate, we sat in front of The West Wing for hours while I coughed all the way thru, discussed politics, had great sex, and I fell asleep next to the most important thing.. the only thing I want for the holidays. 

Now.. what the hell am I going to get him for Hanukkah?

Self-Reflection

This year's holidays prove to be a little non-traditional for a wide variety of reasons. I won't be able to make it to see my family due to all my work and rehearsal conflicts, but I have another family to join, which makes me feel all love-full inside. And, in reflection of all that's happened throughout 2008 so far, I have a lot to be grateful for. I decided to be listy today because really, do you have that much time this weekend before you get to your turkey or veggie-turkey eating? No. No you do not. That pumpkin pie is calling and your grandma's homemade rolls. Dude. I get it. So here goes..

I'm grateful for:

* the love of my family - my mom has never been so happy and supportive and my stepfather has proven to be a constant source of strength for all of us.

* that even tho my stepfather was recently diagnosed with a pretty yucky cancer, we just found out it's type 3, which hey - isn't as bad as type 4 apparently - and he'll begin chemo next month (not fun). He's facing that challenge with courage in the face of all our anxieties about it and I'm ever so proud.

* the moment that Boyfriend fell in love with me about five months ago - a moment I won't ever forget and wasn't sure would happen because I know how maddening I can be sometimes. He can change my whole perspective on a crappy day because he's such a bright and positive force. He isn't afraid to call me on my shit and listen when I need it.. and he cops to his own mistakes as well when we have the misunderstandings any couple would. He's adorable, funny, crazy smart and sexy, and one of the most fun people I know. I'm completely and fantastically in love with him.

* Jake's family - who are welcoming me to their Thanksgiving and Hanukkuh holidays. Their Thanksgiving is probably similar to my family's, however, it will be my first Hanukkuh, which apparently isn't such a huge deal to any of them, especially Jake, as it is to me because hi! MY FIRST HANUKKUH! Duh. I'm excited to spend holidays with his family because that's part of him and they drink wine and laugh like he does and I see where he gets certain aspects of his personality from his mom or his dad.. it's just all kinds of awesome. And we play lots of Scrabble! What's not to love?

* my friends:

to Shine, who's been my little sister and put up with the good and the bad of us living together, but who I love as family with all my heart.

to Fatima and Loren - even tho I never see them, like ever, but when we get together, it's like no time has even passed. They are still two of my favorite people cuz we all just get each other.

to Kari and Megan who I've known since high school and will always be in my life - Kari especially who is always just a phone call away and never questions when we haven't talked and I need her or she needs me - we're just there.

to Eight who always shows me there is more to life than what I already know, the ever adventurous in many things, who pushes my comfort zone, and who I'm so happy to see is graced with a smart and sexy new love who is completely sane, kind, and without drama. Congrats dear friend!

to Jason and Mike who come out when they have time for wine, theatre, and other random events and who are two of the kindest male friends in my life.

to Abby who is now back in the area with her new baby and family and who I always miss more after seeing her gorgeous face in our brief moments of catching up.

to Erin, Paul B, Paul S and Boz to taking a great risk on that crazy adventure to Burning Man with me this year - what amazing times we had, what a story we had to tell once we returned, and what a lovely bond we all created. So happy we had that together!

to the girlfriends I don't get to see often but whom I love anyway - Ana (with whom we shared a lovely last minute birthday party), Katie, Cindy, and Cayetana - love you to bits and wish I had more room for more time with all of you. Let's try to make up for that..

* this new love - Balagan Theatre - the beautiful chaos that's become a new home of mine where I get to work in the arts, make things happen, be apart of a creative energy that I've been needing for so long. It's wonderful and stressful, but there's so much life there, even if the drama is offstage at times, I love being apart of it all.

I hope everyone takes a moment to reflect on what you have, what others do not comparitively, and remember how lucky we all are. Hug your family and friends, tell them you love them, make a donation, skip the madness of Black Friday, unless of course it makes your mom happy (which it did mine last year so I understand), and have a very safe and happy holiday!

Now go! Eat some pie!

Things Like This Make Me Happy

A month or so ago, Boyfriend sent this clip of this guy Matt to me. I'd never heard of him, but apparently, people were wondering where the hell he was. I'm always late to find out everything clearly because I wasn't wondering at all. But once I saw where the hell he was and where the hell he'd been, I understood why everyone was.. well.. wondering.

As I'm a complete html moron, I'm unable to get the comments link to show up if I embed the actual video from either vimeo or youtube. Lame. So I had to resort to just linking it below.

Watch the video all the way thru. It's soooo awesome! Like crazy awesome! As you watch you might start smiling quite a bit. It's sort of like watching the Free Hugs video but sillier. And the last shot ends in Gasworks Park in Seattle.

Spread the love today!

Where the hell is Matt?

Yes We Did..

It really happened. We voted in the first African-American chief executive. Not that it's about color, because it's about how he convinced us that our government wasn't protecting its citizens, that he would change all that, and he said it like he meant it, remaining calm and cool throughout.

I still can't believe it's going to happen in just a couple of months. No more Republican-out-for-the-rich-and-fuck-the-rest-of-America while the rest in those red states still believe W was the answer to all their problems for some reason beyond my understanding and that McCain would bring something that W may have missed. Palin was the scariest answer to a VP in years and we can only thank the majority of the country for waking up to that fact that having a regular old 'joe' in the white house wasn't actually the best idea after all. Someone who knew what they were talking about might need to be a requirement.

It's a new day. He's got a lot of work to do. He'll make mistakes. He won't be as favored all the time as he is right now.. and we have to hope he'll come thru it all. The next four years will be really interesting I think..

And, for the first time in a very long time, I'm so over the moon to be an American. We did it! Yay us!

Now all we have to do is make people realize that everyone should have the right to marry. Seriously.. what is so sacred about the heterosexual divorce rate? Shame on you, California..

Will She Rise..

God.. this was a really hard day..

Finally thinking I'm on the mend, I came into work. Still sniffly, I managed thru tho. But not long there, I'd missed following up on something I didn't see as urgent from last week and my lead - someone who used to be a friend and has, since he's become management, changed so drastically I don't even want to know him - became so upset with me he had to pull me into an office. I'm told I 'don't pay attention', that I'm 'making excuses', that my 'work is suffering' - none of which is true. My work is not suffering or he would've had something else to tell me when I asked what else I'd dropped. He wouldn't hear about his inconsistancy from me, that when I go to him for help he wonders why I didn't do it myself and when I try to do it myself, he asks me why I didn't escalate it to him. No. The talk wasn't about that, it's what I'd failed to do, which we'd gone over three times. I said each time I was sorry, I would fix it immediately, but I didn't understand why he was so upset. He said I knew exactly why he was upset. For the reasons he just gave. Ok John Wayne. Fine. I dropped my head. Said 'ok.. is there anything else?' And with his 'no', I left - almost in tears and fighting to keep them back. How's that for a motivating conversation? I worked til 8:30 - 12 hours - thru lunch and beyond to catch up what I'd missed from being stuck with a cold this week and home for a day so I could be out tomorrow and Monday for a weekend away with the Boyfriend. And I still feel like I failed..

Mom called before that - my stepdad was going in for surgery right then - said it'd be about five hours and he'd be out. They were going to remove the tumor they still couldn't determine anything about and call it a day. They've done four biobsies that were inconclusive so we really didn't think there was much to worry about, but it was causing him a variety of problems regardless.

When she called in the late afternoon, much longer than five hours, I figured it had to be good news and she was headed home. Immediately, she said it hadn't gone well and I could hear her choking back tears. The doctors went in and could tell right away it was cancer. It'd spread all over his gall bladder. They told her they couldn't operate because it's so intrusive around that organ, it would've killed him. And then she sort of broke all over the phone. She couldn't answer any of my questions really, she didn't know the answers and said the doctors would tell her more later - but all I could think of were horrible things like how much longer does he have to live and isn't that what they do on Grey's Anatomy when there's nothing they can do? Look in, go 'ohmygod', and sew them back up, telling the patient in the next scene how sorry they are but they couldn't do anything and by the way, you really don't have much longer? I mean, if they can't remove it, isn't it bad? Too much tv for this one here, clearly.

It's a bad day when your mother calls you crying.. that's all I'm saying.. and then I'm crying and feeling so sad that she has to go thru this all over again. It sucks. It's unfair. It's all kinds of lame.

Um.. also? My 37th birthday is Sunday. So you know what I'm grateful for because I already have them and don't need anything else? Shine's hugs when I get home from this crappy day, my cat, Jake's hugs as well once I'm packed and head over to his house to sleep with him for the first time in three days, that I'll be allowed to cry on his shoulder and let it all out - all of it - til I have no more left and can fall asleep feeling safe and loved.. and then off we go tomorrow morning - after I've put a cold compress to my swollen eyes probably - to Victoria for a well-deserved, long overdue four-day weekend where I get him all to myself and we can have high tea and walk aimlessly in the rain and pretend we're fantastic world travelers (ok I'll pretend - he already is) and feel drunk from all the love between us - or because of many drinks.. whatever works. I'm not picky at this moment.

So off I go! No gifts please.. just send love.. or I guess wine would be ok.. or money.. a new job wouldn't be half bad either.. but don't knock yourself out or anything. Just suggestions, mind you.. And you know, take care of you. Tell your family you love them, ok? Just saying..